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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP cant hold a job and he thinks i dont support him

140 replies

soconfused40 · 21/06/2017 12:56

Hello all. I wrote another post sometime ago regarding this but there is a new situation. DP of two years can not hold a job. He has changed 4 or 5 (i lost count by now) in the last 6 months . It is always their fault , they are always try to make him leave because they are jealous of him or worried about their jobs because he is so good, there is always a bad supervisor that will bully him etc. After the first 2-3 jobs i realized that there is a pattern, it can not all be that bad or that jealous of him so there must be a different reason Despite all that i am always supportive to him and i never raised my concerns.
Lately when he complains about his latest job i am trying to show him another perspective. For example when he says that the supervisor bullies him i am saying that what he describes its within the "normal" , he isnt there to be friends. Or when they installed a system at to ensure that all employees do their job i said that its not that bad they are just trying to ensure that people do what they are paid for.
Apparently that means that "i can not support him", " i always support his enemies", " always taking the side of people who dont like him", "he wants a wife that he can talk to and he doesnt want to tell em things because i dont support him". When i remind him that i supported him every time and i just try to give him different perspective he just carries on, he isnt interested to listen the explanation
I am confused as i dont understand why he would think that. Also i am afraid that he really believes that they are all against him and jealous and thats why he is losing the jobs. We dont live together at the moment and i never supported him financially. But we are planning to get married and then his actions will affect our both lives. Any perspectives, opinions appreciated

OP posts:

mellowbean · 21/06/2017 13:36

you are worrying about somebody who doesn't worry about you. Its time to re-evaluate your relationship. I might even suggest you DP has MH issues.

OliviaStabler · 21/06/2017 13:37

he isnt interested to listen the explanation = I want everyone else to change, I refuse to do so.

Don't marry this man. He is fundamentally flawed.

Slimthistime · 21/06/2017 13:38

I knew it was you as soon as I read the first two lines

nothing will change

also he is showing you clearly who he is

leave him. what is the point of carrying on like this?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2017 13:38

You would have to be crazy to marry this man. He is showing you who he really is. Believe him!!

imjessie · 21/06/2017 13:39

He is always going to be like this , he sounds narcissistic ! I know a few people like this and it's always someone else's fault and they just need to grow up and realise a boss is there to get the job done and telling them to do this is not bullying Ffs!! I'd bin him asap!

caffeinestream · 21/06/2017 13:39

He's not going to change.

Run before you're legally tied to his mess.

sobeyondthehills · 21/06/2017 13:40

A slight different point of view, my friend's partner is like this, went through something like 5 jobs in 8 months. She refused to marry him till he sorted it out and to his credit he has done.

Think he has stuck in the same job for 4/5 months, however everytime he has come home and had a bad day, she is on tenderhooks as to whether this is going to be the day he quits or gets fires, or just decides not to go in

Shwangalangadingdong · 21/06/2017 13:41

I remember your last thread as well. Stop wasting your time and energy trying to understand him and fix him and just leave without any guilt you deserve to be happy

paxillin · 21/06/2017 13:41

Bin him. You'd be back here during your early divorce when he wants half of your money.

Adora10 · 21/06/2017 13:42

4-5 job changes in five months but yet you are not supportive, he's taking the actual piss or else as has been said, he suffers from some personality disorder where everyone else is to blame.

You really want a future with this person, you must be mad.

SasBel · 21/06/2017 13:44

I remember your other thread.
Truly, you are worth so much more love and support than this guy is offering you.
Please leave the man child, and value yourself.

Thesingingtoad · 21/06/2017 13:44

Please don't marry this chump, run for the hills as fast as you can!

Thesingingtoad · 21/06/2017 13:47

Oh, and if you marry and divorce, he won't just want 1/2 your money, you will have to pay off any debts he runs up too.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 21/06/2017 13:48

It's a simple pattern - everything that goes wrong in his life is someone else's fault. Whether it's at work or at home (ie you're not 'supporting' him).

He's not going to wake up one morning and facepalm 'Aren't I stupid'. He won't change. It will ALWAYS be someone else's fault.

Get out now and then at least it won't be your fault for the rest of your life.

annandale · 21/06/2017 13:52

Oh, that's my dad!

Don't marry him. You are already finding it difficult. Imagine the same thing for 30 years. At some point he will be 'selfemployed' ie unemployed, but because he is 'building up his business' he won't be able to do any child care or chores. If you're really unlucky he will be extremely susceptible to flattery and people who 'get him' which will mean he is ripe for scammers and criminals.

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 21/06/2017 13:52

As others have said do not marry this man. Do not move in with him. Do not have any joint finances with him, do not even share a store loyalty card with him. Any of these would make a link from you to him. Given his employment record I doubt if he will have a good credit score. By not facing facts that it is something wrong with him that causes all the job losses he could be preparing you to feel sorry for the poor hard done by and you feel the need to support him financially et al.
Definitely never have children with him. He will do nothing and will not put in any financial assistance. He is likely to make out that he is a great father and you are as nasty as his previous employers.
I know someone who has a partner with a pitiful employment record but he was always bumming that he had all the qualifications and that he was the star turn at every job. She believed all this didn't listen to family and friends. Now she works all hours while he is supposed to be the home parent. No housework gets done!
This can surely not be the life that you would want.

RandomUsernameHere · 21/06/2017 13:53

He sounds a bit paranoid or like he has other issues. This is not normal behaviour. Hope things work out for you either way.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/06/2017 13:54

Imagine 5 years from now.

You: "DH can you help bath the kids. Need to do the washing up."
Him. "No, they dont like me. They always splash me on purpose and mess about."
You. "Can you do the washing up then?"
Him. "No, the washing up liquid makes my hands itch. Why do buy that one?"
You. "You picked it."
Him. "You never support me."

Want that life....No?" Sack him then.

alltouchedout · 21/06/2017 13:55

He actually sounds potentially unwell. That level of paranoia and sense of persecution is not normal.

In any case, for goodness sake, don't marry him, don't move in with him, don't link your finances. If you really want to be with him tell him it's not happening until he does the work he needs to do on himself. if he's worth it, he'll do that.

PurpleWithRed · 21/06/2017 13:55

What everyone else says. Leave now before it's too late.

RideOn · 21/06/2017 13:56

Even if he got a job now and kept it for 6 months, his attitute still stinks. Unless that genuinely changes there is no hope. You cannot change him, accept him as he is.
He has absolutely no plans to change and doesnt accept what you are saying.
I bet this attitute extends to other areas than just work.

Marry him if you want to continue in the same situationuntil one of you dies. (except he will also be financially dependent on you)

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/06/2017 13:56

Why on earth would you marry him? He's a man child.

ETAtomorrowsometime · 21/06/2017 13:57

I have an old friend who is like this also. We are now in our late 40s and she has never ever held down a job for longer than 4-5 months. It is ALWAYS someone else's fault. Usually they are threatened by her abilities and competence, or else they fail to see she is too good for the tasks they try and get her to do.

It's exhausting enough being her friend, and I have withdrawn almost entirely. (She is selfish and self-absorbed in other ways too).

If you are not ready to bin him now, then please please do not move in with him or share anything important financially with him until you are very very very sure that all your fears and concerns have been dealt with in a way you are happy with.

Good luck.

sadsquid · 21/06/2017 13:59

Pleasant, healthy, functioning people don't go on about having 'enemies' or burn through jobs that quickly. Please please please don't marry him or entangle your lives/finances. A life with him is going to be chaotic and unhappy and he will blame you for the problems he causes. Whatever you love about him, there will be someone else out there with all his good points and none of the bad. This is not someone to tie yourself to for life.

Thesingingtoad · 21/06/2017 13:59

Falling in love and shagging is one thing, but sharing your life and finances with this loser - just why?

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