Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you have a relationship w someone less intelligent?

167 replies

lizzieoak · 20/06/2017 05:55

If someone ticked many other boxes? Was kind, handsome, good in bed, nice manners?

I sometimes come back to thinking about an old bf who was so lovely, but didn't have quite the knowledge base I do and tends to be a bit gullible. I worry I'd get frustrated or bored?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 20/06/2017 08:22

It would be a deal breaker for me. If you're concerned from the get go that you'd get bored then you probably will.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 20/06/2017 08:23

You can't have everything op, no-one is perfect.
I think compatibility and having fun together (amongst other redeeming features) is more important than how clever a person is.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 20/06/2017 08:27

I do know someone who is very mismatched, she is by far the brighter one and yes, it is a sore point in their relationship but ultimately they are building a family and being a 'team' in life, and she's learned to get her intellectual fulfilment in other ways.

It matters a lot to me and I tend to go for men who are very similar to myself, which is very academic and interested in discussing the world, other people, politics, books and so on. I have had boyfriends who were not of the intellectual type (though doing degrees etc) and I could see it wasn't going to work in the long term, even when they were really good looking to compensate! It's not about paper quals as such, but most of the men I meet and like have good paper quals as well as being highly successful, there aren't that many Richard Bransons out there, not that he's my ideal man.

I'm sure I'm also not most men's ideal woman, so it cuts both ways!

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 20/06/2017 08:35

DH always says he's thick compared to me, but he isn't, he's really knowledgeable and smart but is dyslexic, and struggles to spell because he wasn't supported at school in the 60s. To me, that doesn't matter - I will happily do all the admin stuff because it's not his strength, and he does the practical stuff like driving (I can't for medical reasons), DIY and so on. We split all other stuff equally. He often surprises me still after 18 years together - if we hear a piece of classical music, he usually knows it's name and the composer, whereas I wouldn't have a clue and it's not like he listens to classical music ever, and I found out recently he can play the clarinet!

I think other qualities are important but sometimes what is perceived as a lack of intelligence can actually be a hidden disability like dyslexia.

moutonfou · 20/06/2017 08:45

There are different kinds of intelligence. I couldn't be with somebody less emotionally intelligent than me. I think DH and I have a mature way of approaching disagreements and I couldn't go back to arguing with a brick wall as in previous relationships.

I am more academic than DH but then he is an amazing guitar player and I can barely pluck a string.

And we both have a curiosity about the world and stuff in general. I don't think I could be with somebody who wasn't curious and didn't want to know about the things around them.

raindropstea · 20/06/2017 08:50

I have and not to toot my own horn, but his grammar and writing skills improved because of me because we were together 3 years. When we first started dating he was one of those who didn't know the difference between "your" and "you're" -- though those are just minor examples.

He was the type who needed to be constantly entertained with films, video games, etc. I'm not saying this indicates a person isn't bright, but it certainly isn't mature. He couldn't sit and watch a pretty sunset at the beach with me because he found it "boring."

I am currently with someone who thinks he's highly intelligent, but won't put in the time to further his education or gain qualifications and wants quick ways to make money. I want the relationship to work, but he shows me time and time again that it probably won't. :(

Bluebellevergreen · 20/06/2017 08:58

People beed a ladder to get off their high horse. I get what you are asking OP.
But there is intelligence, emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Intelligence is hard to measure
My DH is very intelligent and has high emotional intelligence
However I am very good at problem solving and I am very interested in art, politics, literature. And articulated. My skills at managing emotions are shit. DH is a much better person that I am.
However, I do miss what I have with other friends or I had with exes, being able to discuss certain matters for hours

So yes OP I get your question. I wouldn't change DH as he is absolutely wonderful but I do long for those conversations as I need to get my brain exercise daily, like a thirst I have.

Dont be mean to OP people, she is asking a genuine question

senua · 20/06/2017 09:00

Compatibility with your partner in intelligence is a necessary, but not sufficient, criteria for a good relationship, IMO. The older you get, the more important it gets. You can no longer kid yourself that they might mature into something; if they haven't got 'it' by 30 then they are never going to have it

TheStoic · 20/06/2017 09:05

I wouldn't be attracted to a man in the first place if he wasn't clever. At least, not beyond the first conversation.

Twinkie1 · 20/06/2017 09:08

Bloody glad DH is willing to have a relationship with someone less intelligent than him! 😂

Lancelottie · 20/06/2017 09:15

Not sure I could say which of us is brighter.

We both have moments of staring incredulously at the other, thinking, 'How the hell can you not know that?'

We also have moments of thinking 'How the hell can you work that out so quickly?'

Sadly, mine tends to be instant recognition of crossword anagrams, his tends to be 'where the water leak must be coming from/what's gone wrong with Windows this time', so I spend a lot of time feeling remarkably dim except for about five minutes each evening.

Cricrichan · 20/06/2017 09:25

I find intelligence really attractive so I wouldn't be attracted to someone who isn't intelligent.

steppemum · 20/06/2017 09:32

I think it is like anything else, if it matters to you, then it matters.

One of the things that attracted dh to me is that we could discuss and debate things, we are both intelligent, and wanted to be free to be ourselves with the person we married.

We have different strengths of course.

But that is only one aspect of our relationship and it needed to be balanced in the other areas too. Highly intelligent men who have a selfish/paternalistic streak are horrendous.
I often think that when we meet someone, we shoudl ask, when we are retired, will I want to be sitting having coffee/lunch with this person every day, will I still want to talk to him, will we have anythign to talk about? And for me, equal intelligence is the answer to that. Or maybe part of the answer, as it needs to come with humour, kindness, love etc.

I have always wondered at the old fahsioned company director marries his secretary relationships, as it seems so unbalanced, but then I think it is becuase the intelligent partner (in that case the man) wants something quite different at home. At work he has to challange/battle/discuss and at home he wants to be loved and relax and not have to be brilliant all the time.Unfortunately that tends to go with the 1950s little wifey syndrome.

MyheartbelongstoG · 20/06/2017 09:37

I'm an Accountant, my boyfriend is a scaffolder and he is so much more switched on than me in many ways.

He thinks I'm smarter than him but I disagree as he's very bright.

Imagine if the tables were turned, you'd think he was a tool.

Istoletherainbow · 20/06/2017 09:44

My DP is an actual genius and, well.....I am not. Yes, I do sometimes worry that perhaps I'm not clever enough for her, but unless she's specifically talking in detail about her work, or thesis, when she was doing her PhD, I can't say I feel inadequate or unequal. We are able to have interesting conversations about various subjects and sometimes I will have more knowledge than her and vice versa. My point is, on paper, she is certainly more intelligent than me, but we are still very compatible.

Compatibility is multi layered. It's either there, or it isn't and quite often, you can't put your finger on it.

Foxdale · 20/06/2017 09:58

An equally valid question would be...

Would you have a relationship with someone who is MORE intelligent than you?

If they thought about YOU with the same contempt that some of these posters here think about less intelligent men, you would be pretty disgusted.

newbian · 20/06/2017 10:01

Foxdale I don't see much contempt?

Seriously some people are just highly sensitive over this topic.

steppemum · 20/06/2017 10:12

Foxdale - it isn't contempt.
It is honestly looing at what makes you compatible.
As a woman who is 5'8" one thing for me is also height. I would feel physically uncomfortable next to a short man. (as a bf, not small men in general!)
Does that make me contemptuous of small men? No, just honest abbout what works for me.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/06/2017 10:26

I was waiting for someone to mention height.

It seems it's perfectly OK on MN to say "I'd never go out with a short man, or a fat man, I just don't fancy them." But someone mentions intellectual capacity and she's some kind of intellectual fascist Confused

B19M · 20/06/2017 10:43

No, I wouldn't have a relationship with anyone shorter or less intellectually capable than myself. Tried both, and it's not for me.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 20/06/2017 10:49

I couldn't have a relationship with someone as defensive and thin-skinned as you, foxdale!

NataliaOsipova · 20/06/2017 10:51

Would you have a relationship with someone who is MORE intelligent than you?

Probably number one criterion for me, if I'm absolutely honest....

DH is more intelligent than I am; I am better "educated" than he is. So I can hold my own. As others have said, a lot depends on the gap and how that manifests itself.

GloriaV · 20/06/2017 10:55

The high flying company CEO - might be intelligent but then he might be a highly tutored ex etonian with all the privilege that bestows.... and actually just average intellect.
His secretary might be less intelligent, but if she got little encouragement and went to a bad school then that is not guaranteed.

My Sis went to school 7 years after me - by then it was all free writing, school should be fun bollox and she still can't spell

Hont1986 · 20/06/2017 10:59

Having a MENSA membership is a red flag tbh.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 20/06/2017 11:09

My sister ignored it, and one reason they split was because conversation was so frustrating as he just didn't understand.

My biggest question is, why doesn,t this seem an issue for men?