Would you have a relationship w someone less intelligent?

[lizzieoak]

If someone ticked many other boxes? Was kind, handsome, good in bed, nice manners?

I sometimes come back to thinking about an old bf who was so lovely, but didn't have quite the knowledge base I do and tends to be a bit gullible. I worry I'd get frustrated or bored?

I think it's a valid issue. Mismatched anything often brings discontent.

Like Polly, I have more on paper, but my word, Dh having flunked school because he was bored, is one of the most intelligent and quick witted, dry people I have ever met. All my friends think so too. He is an incredible people manager and this is being regularly noticed at work.

So.......

Depends how mismatched and how you 'fit' all round?

God, the OP's getting a hard time here! I'm sure we've all come across people who: are proud of never reading anything; have zero intellectual curiosity; are completely lacking in interest in current affairs; who deride arty/intellectual pursuits; and often are inverted snobs. I certainly have come across a few of these people in my time! Granted that if you did an IQ test they wouldn't necessarily be dunces, but in day to day life, you'd never know.

Now they might be great casual friends, amusing, life and soul of the party types - there was a man in our friendship group who was a lovely guy and incredibly good looking in a double take sort of way (until he opened his mouth and vapid nonsense came out) but as a life partner : no way!

I think it's a valid issue too, you obviously want things in common with a partner. No different than wanting a matched work ethic, morals etc.

It's hard to define intelligence isn't it? I'm better educated and process new info quicker than dh. I get frustrated explaining things sometimes. But then he has skills and a way of seeing the world that bring a lot to the relationship.

I think it depends on you personally, especially after reading so many PP saying they couldn't.
I've only dated one guy who was more intelligent than me, he was a junior doctor and while academically more intelligent I cut it off as soon as I found out he was into drugs and drank almost none stop.
My DFiance is not very academically intelligent and we have different views on politics and the like, he does try to have informed discussions but I do get a little frustrated about it sometimes.
However, we have the same family values and views on financial decisions etc (saving for a better home, not wasting money) and that's more important to me.
We learn from each other and I wouldn't change his intelligence for the world.

To be with someone who didn't know or understand a decent amount of my conversation would end up irritating me. I would also not want to be constantly teaching someone "things" - this

I had an absolutely lovely boyfriend as a teenager who was very creative and interesting, however over time I found myself teaching him about lots of things - particularly "how the world works" stuff, that he simply hadn't picked up at school. He really struggled with critical thinking, which in my late teens I was developing. I found it really frustrating, he felt upset and stupid no matter how nice I was about it and it just didn't work out. We're still friends and successful in both our fields- him acting and me in academia

Agree there is a diference between having lots of qualifications, and being smart. I coudn't be with someone who was wilfully ignorant of the world around them and had no interest in finding out. The sort of person whose knowledge starts and finishes with reality telly.

I'm more intelligent than DP (soon to be DH). I'm a Mensa member, I read pretty widely and follow politics and work in The City.

DP isn't unintelligent by any means, he has a Masters but in a more vocational subject (sport science) and is a personal trainer. He's less interested in politics than me but happy to have a conversation when I rant about something it comes up.

We have a pretty wide gap in income too.

I don't really find it an issue...sure, we both know it's the case (he has said so) but as long as we can have conversations about things it doesn't matter to me.

We have shared values, a similar background, the same goals and he is a lovely, loyal, thoughtful, supportive and brilliant feminist man and I wouldn't want to be without him just because I'm more intelligent. He brings plenty of other things to the table.

My DP can be a bit of a Wally at times but it doesn't bother me, I have some Spld's and he never judges me for that so I won't ever hold his occasional lack of common sense against him.
He's the most wonderful person and it would be stupid of me to throw away a life of happiness and comparability because he's a bit of a Wally at times.

But yes, I agree with PP that a massive gap wouldn't work for me (e.g. Joey Essex).

I am a bit of a snob when it comes to "intelligence" and I think this is hindering me as I enter the world of OLD
I hate being asked "how's you?" because it makes no sense how is you?
I cannot stand it when people get your and you're or there, they're and their wrong.
I know that's not the be all and end all but it really bothers me so I can't see past it.
I don't care what qualifications someone has or not but a basic grasp of grammar is important to me.
I also like to have discussions about world affairs etc so could never be with someone who didn't take an interest or form an opinion of their own.

There are different types of intelligence... academic, emotional, ... so I'd say it depends on yourself.
I'd say me and OH are well matched. Although on paper, we don't look like a good match... different backgrounds upbringing, qualifications. (Basically the artificial stuff) But we complement each other- both in personality and interest. What works for us is being open and interested in new/ different things. We work well as a team and can fill in each others gaps.
So I'd say a difference in intelligence is really about how you perceive yourself and your relationship.

How lovely are those saying it makes a difference.
My dh will often get things like grammar or spellings wrong, I let it go unless it's an important thing he's doing.
You shouldn't judge someone based on their intelligence I don't think

I think a big difference could be a problem. The intelligent one would get frustrated/bored through lack of interesting conversation.

Many years ago, when we were still in our twenties, DH and I took an IQ test. He scored 154 and I scored 140. I shudder to think what we would score if we retook the test today! I reckon I would struggle to reach 100 these days! Post menopause, my mind has turned into mashed potato! I can't recall words, names etc and it takes me ages to think something through. Thankfully (?) it's mutual, as DH seems to be much the same, although he's still better than me at crosswords!

I think it's important (to me) that my partner matches me intellectually.

Do you struggle to discuss certain subjects?

If the intelligence gap is too wide, it probably won't work.

One person will always be more intelligent than the other. My DH is very intelligent, but I'm not unintelligent myself.

Socio economic and intelligence gaps, are key factors in relationships.

I have an IQ higher than Carol Vorderman.
I have a degree and a postgraduate degree.

Hubby failed his olevels.

However, he remembers much more than i do, and is much more adept than i am at a lot of things.

we make a great team

I've never had a relationship with someone who wasn't on roughly the same level as me intelligence-wise. As others have said I wouldn't want there to be a big gap either way. I also wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't have the same sense of humour, or the same moral values - for me it's all part of how you connect with someone. Probably pretty narcissistic but there you go!

I've met plenty of people who I wouldn't consider especially intelligent who have a degree.

It's not a twatty quesion at all. People have no problem admitting that looks are important in attracting them to a partner, even though that's something inbuilt and beyond a person's control, just like intelligence. And yet arguably far less important than their intelligence.

No, I wouldn't want a partner who was significantly less intelligent than me,
although that certainly wouldn't necessarily relate to actual qualifications - that's a very narrow definition of intelligence. I'd consider it more imortant than most other attributes tbh.

I expect a partner to be my equal in all aspects. They have to be bright enough and world aware enough to hold an intelligent conversation. I don't care if they don't have any formal qualifications, because that really only measures how good you are at passing exams.

I did go out with one guy who had fewer and lesser qualifications than me. He was bright and fit my exacting criteria, but my goodness the disparity in our educations was an issue for him. He was convinced I must be 'looking down' on him. That relationship did not last.......

I find it very odd the people are talking about qualifications when OP never mentioned them. You can tell if someone is more or less intelligent than you from spending time with them.

No I wouldn't. A certain quickness is important to me (luckily not quite as important to DH as he has the edge over me )

I don't see why you shouldn't judge intelligence (or any other attribute) when choosing a partner.

I don't understand why people are giving you a hard time, OP. I couldn't go out with someone noticeably stupider than me. Intellect is massively important to me, more than looks. And you can be smart without being well-educated, so it's not that. I just get on better with people whose brains process stuff at more or less the same speed mine does, if that makes sense. DH is the perfect match for me as we think at the same speed and in the same way. Interestingly, despite coming from different countries and backgrounds, we had a very similar education, although he seems to have come out of it knowing much more than I do! I love it when he educates me (and he's indispensable in a pub quiz )

I think you need to feel equal, but that doesn't mean the same. DH and I bring different things to our relationship. Perhaps I have a broader 'knowledge base' than he does (if you don't include football trivia - ha!) but I respect him for his views and experience. Respect is crucial and it sounds like you don't respect your ex, which would be a deal breaker for me.