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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H has taken son away

243 replies

ElCorazin · 18/06/2017 23:09

My (d)h had taken my son away without my consent. As he (h) is working a night shift he has taken him to stay with a school friend. I called said school friend's mother and she refused to discuss with me.

My h is controlling and emotionally abuse even and uses DS to threaten me. I am unwell with depression and taking medication, my depression (made a whole lot worse by dreadful relationship and lack of support).

H says to me that I am 'unfit' to look after DS and he has now done this. The reason being I have been in bed and crying today and more or less begging him to show me some love & support, to no avail.

Surely this woman cannot hold my son against my wishes? God only knows what tale H spun her about my so called 'mental illness'... he also told me he called mental health services to 'get me help' earlier.

He does this in a threatening and menacing way, not out of any genuine care for me. He stands over me and shouts 2 in from my face YOU. NEED. HELP.

I'm scared and utterly desperate that he's taken my son away and humiliated he's involved a school family like this.

I have called the police & am waiting for them to contact me. I have never invoked and services before but feel he has crossed a red line now

OP posts:

indigox · 19/06/2017 00:05

He was carted off to a friend (not even in his class and doesn't know v well) with a parent clearly gullible enough to believe (doubtless) my husband's lies.

Yet you remain married to him?

FlossyMooToo · 19/06/2017 00:05

I dont think anyone has mussed that asprin.

FlossyMooToo · 19/06/2017 00:06

missed

MuffinMaiden · 19/06/2017 00:07

I can't believe anyone is saying this is ok. An abusive husband takes his son to the house of a child he barely knows, the mother of this child won't even speak to the OP about her son and she's supposed to just leave it? Wtf mumsnet?

knockedover · 19/06/2017 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MandateMandy · 19/06/2017 00:08

Her husband made a decision about his son based on his concern about the ops ability to look after him. But it's fine for her to go against his wishes in a way that will damaging to the child??? I would not leave my child at home with someone who was crying in bed all day. I am not unsympathetic to the op and her mental illness. I would also not leave my child in the care of someone who was bedridden due to any other illness. But my concern here is for the child. It will be so upsetting for him to be removed from the other house by the police.

FlossyMooToo · 19/06/2017 00:09

Muff nobody does think its ok but we do not know the whole story so if the child is safe its probably best to leave him there tonight and get the right support tomorrow.

MandateMandy · 19/06/2017 00:11

It's a horrible situation. But unless you absolutely and definitely feel that your child is unsafe or likely to be harmed where he is then why not leave until the morning.

LunaMay · 19/06/2017 00:13

Why do you all assume the child is safe? How is the OP to know if the woman won't even talk to her or reassure her?

C0untDucku1a · 19/06/2017 00:13

You dont sound llike you are fit to look after your child Atm.

Neverknowing · 19/06/2017 00:14

If it's this bad you need to leave your husband. He's going to keep doing things like this and it's going to fuck your son up, my sisters dad did shit like this and it affected my whole family and childhood. Please be strong enough to leave him and take your child if he's abusive.
I hope you and your son are okay.

knockedover · 19/06/2017 00:14

swizzel
Really.
Police can be heavy handed dealing with mh issues, often leading to situations escalating because they can't converse sensitively, it's not pleasant and can cause unnecessary stress. Not always of course but often enough for me to be wary.

importanceofhappiness · 19/06/2017 00:15

I can see it from the dad's point of view actually. He's been dealing with his wife in bed crying all day and now has to go to work, not knowing whether or not his wife is capable of taking care of his son while in bed crying, and has arranged for his son to go to a friend's house so he doesn't have to worry.

We're clearly getting half a story here. I suspect the dad has the son's best interests at heart.

MVLipwig · 19/06/2017 00:15

Of course the friends mum is going to tell her the son isn't present. Rightly or wrongly (rightly judging by OPs state rn) she has been told OP is in the middle of a MH crisis and isn't fully capable of looking after her child right now. I feel I believed a parent may endanger their child and they were with me on authority of the other parent I may well not tell them to come and collect their child, because I would be concerned for the child's safety. The friends mother is likely doing what she thinks is safe

FlossyMooToo · 19/06/2017 00:15

Luna we can only assume that the other parent has not put his child in harms way.

He is with a parent from school so not a stranger as such. Not ideal either but we do not know how serious this is.

MandateMandy · 19/06/2017 00:17

Luna why do you assume the child is not safe?

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 19/06/2017 00:20

my depression (made a whole lot worse by dreadful relationship and lack of support)

So this issue has been going on a long time - what are your plans on getting out of it/leaving husband?
Why are you still with him if he treats you like shit?

I have been in bed and crying today and more or less begging him to show me some love & support, to no avail

Why are you begging him when you say he's controlling and abusive?

Your child is not a weapon for you to use in your dysfunctional relationship.
Where was your son whilst all this hysteria was going on? Having to watch/listen to it all?
He's got school tomorrow and needs a good nights sleep under the care of a responsible adult.

You may not want to admit it but from what you've posted it sounds like you are happy to go round in circles rather than take action and end the marriage.

You need to get some help in sorting out your relationship with your husband.....this situation can't carry on as it is.

NorthumbrianGirl · 19/06/2017 00:21

I think the H is completely in the wrong here. This is not the action of the supportive partner of someone having a MH problem. Op, are you going to ask him not to return home?

But I would wait until morning before retrieving the son.

innagazing · 19/06/2017 00:21

I wonder why dad didn't ask the gp's to have him this evening, instead of some unknown woman?

MandateMandy · 19/06/2017 00:26

Well she clearly isn't some "unknown woman" if both the op and her husband have her phone number.

indigox · 19/06/2017 00:32

I think the H is completely in the wrong here. This is not the action of the supportive partner of someone having a MH problem. Op, are you going to ask him not to return home?

The OP by her own admission has spent the day in bed crying all day, he had to go to work. Was she in a fit state to look after the child whilst he wasn't there?

The woman isn't an unknown, and she has her number so it's not a random where there's been no previous interaction with.

Untangled07 · 19/06/2017 00:37

He sounds like a responsible father. If a woman said that her depressed DH had been in bed crying and hysterical all day, surely nobody would advise she left her son with him while she went to work?

Beeziekn33ze · 19/06/2017 00:38

If the police are involved, especially at night, wouldn't they contact social services? OP's son could be found an emergency foster home which might well confuse and alarm him.
OP - are you talking to the grandparents? Are they your own parents?

TrinityTaylor · 19/06/2017 00:39

Op, can you think why your husband has chosen this woman? Is she an old friend? How come he knows her as a school parent but you don't? Has your child never been close to her child, had them round to play etc? How does your husband even know her to take your son round there, surely he has not chosen a random phone number from a list of school parents?

TrinityTaylor · 19/06/2017 00:40

Also why has your dh not taken your son to his grand parents? Could they perhaps help here, by going to get your son for you?

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