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Original poster

H has taken son away

243 replies

ElCorazin · 18/06/2017 23:09

My (d)h had taken my son away without my consent. As he (h) is working a night shift he has taken him to stay with a school friend. I called said school friend's mother and she refused to discuss with me.

My h is controlling and emotionally abuse even and uses DS to threaten me. I am unwell with depression and taking medication, my depression (made a whole lot worse by dreadful relationship and lack of support).

H says to me that I am 'unfit' to look after DS and he has now done this. The reason being I have been in bed and crying today and more or less begging him to show me some love & support, to no avail.

Surely this woman cannot hold my son against my wishes? God only knows what tale H spun her about my so called 'mental illness'... he also told me he called mental health services to 'get me help' earlier.

He does this in a threatening and menacing way, not out of any genuine care for me. He stands over me and shouts 2 in from my face YOU. NEED. HELP.

I'm scared and utterly desperate that he's taken my son away and humiliated he's involved a school family like this.

I have called the police & am waiting for them to contact me. I have never invoked and services before but feel he has crossed a red line now Sad

OP posts:
FeckinCrutches · 18/06/2017 23:46

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FeckinCrutches · 18/06/2017 23:47

You aren't thinking clearly!

Whosthemummynow · 18/06/2017 23:47

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FlossyMooToo · 18/06/2017 23:48

Shit- so it's fine for h to do this to me then?

Nobody has said that.

What is being said is that if he is safe then leave it until the morning, take advice from the police and get yourself some suppirt so that you feel strong enough to deal with your husbands abuse.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/06/2017 23:49

Is it possible that this woman is having an affair with your H? Just seems a bit odd for him to be at the house of a child he doesnt know.

Call Womans Aid, get you and your son to a refuge. Please. Call them tonight.

pieceofpurplesky · 18/06/2017 23:49

I mean this in a good way OP but maybe your H is concerned about leaving DS with you if you have been in bed all day crying and asking him to love you.
Maybe your depression and MH is not helping you see the bigger picture. I suffer MH problems and depressions and sometimes I just can't see the picture.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 18/06/2017 23:49

I think YANBU but the problem is really with your husband, not the woman. You have to leave him and arrange contact times.
Do you have any family support? You sound like in a tough spot OP. If you think your son is safe, I think it is not in his interest to create drama.

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 18/06/2017 23:49

Do you have transport..?

CAN you go and get him..??

FlossyMooToo · 18/06/2017 23:50

Does the OP really beed that on her plate too Hmm

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/06/2017 23:50

The Op is ill and her husbands idea of support is to scream in her face and call her down, but she is the problem?

FFS, what happened to support on MN?! The OP is clearly having a crisis and the last thing she needs are bitchy comments about her not being fit to look after her own child.

OP, report this thread and ask it to be moved to relationships, you will get better help there.

knockedover · 18/06/2017 23:51

Unfortunately op if you don't have the energy/aren't bothered enough to go to this ladies house, the police may well see it as diminished responsibility. A functioning parent in this situation would find a way to reach their child. Sorry but involving police could backfire, do you have a drug/alcohol issue keeping you at home?Flowers

KeepServingTheDrinks · 18/06/2017 23:52

In purely legal terms, those who have parental responsibility have rights over the children.

Most mums do the majority of the care, so if things ever get to court, the courts usually (not always) find in favour of the mother.

However parental responsibility is given to both parents who are named on the birth certificate when the child is born. Both parents have equal rights over things like where the child is educated, what it wears, where it goes on holiday, what it does socially, whether or not it goes to church, etc.

Unless it's gone to court or there's some form of social services intervention, then your H (assuming he's the DS's father) has equal rights to you about where your DS spends his time.

Legally, your DH hasn't done anything wrong.

If the police intervene, I imagine they will decide (very quickly, because they don't tend to hang about) who the safest person to leave your child with is. So they may phone your DH and ask him to leave work, they may decide to leave your DS where he is or they may return him to you.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 18/06/2017 23:52

In purely legal terms, those who have parental responsibility have rights over the children.

Most mums do the majority of the care, so if things ever get to court, the courts usually (not always) find in favour of the mother.

However parental responsibility is given to both parents who are named on the birth certificate when the child is born. Both parents have equal rights over things like where the child is educated, what it wears, where it goes on holiday, what it does socially, whether or not it goes to church, etc.

Unless it's gone to court or there's some form of social services intervention, then your H (assuming he's the DS's father) has equal rights to you about where your DS spends his time.

Legally, your DH hasn't done anything wrong.

If the police intervene, I imagine they will decide (very quickly, because they don't tend to hang about) who the safest person to leave your child with is. So they may phone your DH and ask him to leave work, they may decide to leave your DS where he is or they may return him to you.

SpareASquare · 18/06/2017 23:53

You really need to hear what posters are saying OP.
If you don't want to go and get him yourself, please leave him be for the night and sort it out tomorrow. Think about how distressing it may be for him to be woken up to the police being there for him Sad

He has been cared for by others while you have been unwell so I don't understand why THIS one night is different? He is safe, he is there with the knowledge and permission of his father. The mother here isn't doing anything wrong and it won't help you to focus all of your anger towards her.

Sleep on it and make a plan for resolving this. You need to speak to your GP as a matter of urgency I think.

MandateMandy · 18/06/2017 23:53

You are not concerned about your son -your son is safely tucked up in bed asleep with your husbands consent to be staying away from home. You are only thinking about yourself and what you want. You want the police drag a sleeping child from bed at midnight for what reason? You have said yourself that you have been in bed, crying all day - is that what you want your child home to see?

It very much sounds like you do need psychiatric help and I urge you to get it. But I also urge you to let your child be for tonight and sort this out tomorrow.

FeckinCrutches · 18/06/2017 23:55

Urrggh I'm reporting for the 3rd tonight.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/06/2017 23:55

It would help her understand why this is happening.

If he is having an affair then she can protect herself and her son better by knowing the truth.

FlossyMooToo · 18/06/2017 23:57

Not right now it wouldnt!

There is noway right now the OP can know the truth so it wont help at all.

OP have the police called back?

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/06/2017 23:58

The woman wont even talk to the OP on the phone or admit that her son is there, so the OP turning up on the doorstep isnt going to achieve anything. She wont open the door or let the OP in, whereas if the police do attend then she will have to discuss it.

Where did the OP say she couldnt be bothered to go?!

KissMyShoe · 18/06/2017 23:58

Your husband is probably thinking he's doing the right thing by your son. His mum had been in bed crying all day. Your husband seems to have done it out of worry. He clearly trusts this woman to look after your son because i doubt he'd just drop him off to anyone.

Having said that, your husband isn't going the right way about supporting you. He could have done the decent thing and sat you down to explain maybe why he thinks your DS should stay at this woman's house tonight.

Given the fact that he didn't even talk to you about it I think you'd have every right to feel the way you are right now, is be exactly the same if I were in your shoes.

Also the woman your DS is with isn't to blame. Your husband had obviously told her not to talk to you about it and as you said you don't know what lies he's been telling her. I feel for you I really do but I do think your husband is BU

KeepServingTheDrinks · 19/06/2017 00:00

eeek.

Sorry for posting twice (esp when it was so long).

I understand your post PyongyangKipperbang and I agree the OP needs support, but I (and I think others) are very concerned that she's not in a state to look after her child or look out for his best interests. I completely agree that if her "D"H is abusive she needs to get away and take her son with her. But phoning the police at 11pm on a Sunday night because she doesn't like what her DH has done isn't putting her son first.
She can call the refuges on Monday when DS is at school and they will almost certainly help her get away.

But by doing what she's doing, it's only going to call her DH's attention, so she's not safeguarding herself or her son.

Swizzel · 19/06/2017 00:01

Unfortunately op if you don't have the energy/aren't bothered enough to go to this ladies house, the police may well see it as diminished responsibility. A functioning parent in this situation would find a way to reach their child.

Really knockedover? That is so untrue, it's laughable. The police will see it as: OP is not sure what to do (it's not exactly a situation people face every day). They will listen to what she has to say, and advise her according to the law. I'm not sure where you've got this drivel about them seeing it as diminished responsibilty, because that's just BS.

OP - have you got any family or friends who can give you support at the moment? If your husband is treating you badly, then perhaps you should get some legal advice, because an unhealthy relationship is only going to exacerbate your feelings of depression. I hope that things work out okay for you.

SparklyMagpie · 19/06/2017 00:01

You don't even mention if you fear for his safety?
If i was that bothered and worked up about it i'd be right round there.
Your son will be fast asleep.

Apart from the fact your husband send him there, is there any other reason you feel you need him with you now?

MandateMandy · 19/06/2017 00:03

Jesus pyong get a grip! Who said anything about an affair? You really are letting your imagination run wild aren't you. How is complete speculation about her husband's fidelity helping her or her child - particularly when she is in the midst of a mental health crisis?

asprinklingofsugar · 19/06/2017 00:04

I think what a lot of people are missing here is that the op has phoned this woman, (who her h says has her son), and this woman, who she doesn't know, has not denied that the son is there, confirming the h's story, and is refusing to discuss the situation (and therefore give him back).

A few people have told op to pick up her son, but the situation could get messy and she is clearly not feeling well which could amplify the situation. Also I'm sure the (majority of) police officers are professional/experienced enough to explain to her son that it isn't his fault, and that they are taking him home because is mother is worried about him.

OP is there any friends or family nearby you could stay with? You admit you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and I, for one, are concerned about how your husband will react when he finds out what you've done tonight. For what it's worth, I think you're well within your rights to do this- you're concerned, and I think you have every right to be as you know nothing about this woman, and your son seems to not know them very well either. You could assume your child is safe and happy but the truth is you don't know what this family is like and living situation is like so it is natural to be worried and want him to be with you where you will know for certain he is safe. Also, while legally your husband may be allowed to do this (I'm not a lawyer and have virtually no knowledge of the law), it is definitely not fine for your husband to treat you like this and explicitly (and in a way that is frightening and humiliating for you) go against your wishes when it comes to decisions about your son, especially when you've made it clear you don't agree with them.