Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

Adorable! Looks like a Russian Blue? They have wonderful loving personalities - just what you need!

Beautiful. Bet the children love him. Or her?

Only got her home late this afternoon and she wouldn't come out for the dc when they got back from LCBs.
They did meet her earlier though.

As far as I know she's just a moggie. Though she is the most stunning colour. Her paws are almost silvery

She's been prowling around this evening and seems reasonably happy with me as long as I don't move around too much.
But she's not found the litter box or her food and water, which is concerning.
Bf was poorless when I suggested leaving the lights on for her downstairs or sleeping on the couch so I've compromised and only left the kitchen light on so she can find her bowls.
I'm so smitten already.

Love her. Just the ticket!
Nigel is off to a festival this weekend-wish me luck!
Have a nice weekend onit and cat, and everyone else

I dont want to patronise you, but just trying to help... if I move my cats litter tray I always pick them up and physically plonk them in it so they know where it is- don't then take them out- let them get out themselves and then they get their bearings. Apologies if you already knew this.

My cousin advised the same thing stormsurfer but I was too much of a wuss last night. I was reasonably sure that she'd find it as she'd been exploring in that direction and, sure enough, this morning when I checked she'd done a poo.
I'm ridiculously proud of her.

I have had the draft of the separation agreement from the lawyer.
I owe LCB just shy of £40k.
He wants to formalise contact but I need to stick firm with it. I'm happy and, most importantly, the dc are happy too. If he's unhappy, that's neither my fault nor my concern.
He will raise the divorce as the marriage having irretrievably broken down.
I suppose it will please him that he won't officially be an adulterer since he's divorcing me.

Good luck nigel have fun

Formalised contact seems a good idea for that piss-taking bastard.

Is the amount you owe what you expected? I'm hoping it's less, but I guess you had a good idea of what it would be.

Glad he's going to have to foot the bill for the divorce. As it should be.

It's more than I'd like to be paying him, but I hopefully won't need a mortgage for the full amount as I still have some savings.

It sticks in my throat that the bastard is content to leave me relying on benefits so he can get his "fair share"
If there was any justice he'd be walking away with 2 broken kneecaps and a distinctly lighter wallet.

But I'm richer than him in so many ways. I have the love of my children, family and friends. The respect of those who've heard my story and the knowledge that I have done the very best I could for my dc.

I'm under no illusions that the future might will be financially difficult but I'm free.

He's likely to lose the respect of the dc in time, when they find out the truth. His relationship is based on deceit and manipulation and he has to live with what he's done. To his dc, his wife, his family, his friends and her husband.
Now I'm sure he doesn't actually give a shit because he's a psychopath but, in that case, he's even more to be pitied. Because he'll never know what real love and happiness feels like.

Well said onit!

onit, you are flying ! well done, so far from the mindset all those threads ago.
Personally I hope he finishes alone & miserable, & hopefully, she will move on to another younger model & take most of his assets .

Love the new addition to your family! Wish I wasn't allergic to them otherwise I would love to have a cat.
Is the amount you owe him based on a 50:50 split? Has your lawyer tried to argue that it should be biased in your favour. I am sure you have said previously that your career has taken a back step due to DCs. My understanding is that counts towards you getting more than 50% of the assets.

it wasn't worth the argument.
Scots law is 50/50 regardless and I was told as I'd got a few more pieces of furniture (15 year old couches, the dcs beds and wardrobes plus the dining table and the marital bed which I sold to buy a new bed) it wasn't worth it.
The fact I walked into marriage with a £25k job and he left me on a fifth of that, is also irrelevant apparently.

If only I lived in England.

I am separating under Scots law and my solicitor has told me he fully intends to go for more than 50/50. You are right that it is more clear cut in England. But I have been told I have a good case for it. The reason you have been given seems a bit rubbish to be honest. Obviously it's difficult to properly compare since we don't have each other's full details though but I have certainly been told it's possible under Scots Law. You just won't get as much a deviation as you would in England eg 60/40 is probably the highest you can go whereas in England 70/30 is normal.

I got 64% under scots law, but I had to wave any spousal support which in theory I should have been entitled to for 3 years.

But as you said, onit, you have the richer life. I loved your way of expressing it! Gonyersel!

So the dc go away for the week with LCB tomorrow afternoon. I'm actually petrified at the thought.
BF is coming over to see me when they go and, if he has to go home on Friday, I'm seeing my girlfriends on Friday night.

I'm going back to work on Saturday. I'm ready I think. So that takes care of the weekend.
I have counselling on Monday so that's a normal child free day.
Then I have 3 days to fill.
I need to arrange a mortgage.
Still haven't had my roof looked at.

I need to do lots of jobs round the house but I can't seem to motivate myself. Neither dd or I have curtains yet because I haven't got round to putting the poles up. Ds's wardrobe/cupboard hasn't been tackled since the new boiler went in there and I've got tons of stuff I should be selling.

I should be able to fill my time but I'm still dreading it.

Thinking of you Onit. My DC had a week away from me with my LCB at beginning of school holidays. First time for me too. Was horrible in some ways but at the same time gave me a chance to catch up on rest for myself. Don't think I had really realised how exhausted I was until they were gone. I also had great plans to do all the things that needed to be done that I never get the chance to do. I barely did any of it partly due to lack of motivation and partly because I had friends determined to keep me busy so I wasn't feeling sorry for myself! Keeping busy is definitely the way to go. Is he taking them abroad or staying in this country?

Nigel's back- bit muddy
Mine are going away for a week with their dad soon too...its my danger time when they are gone for long periods as I really get low.
This time,all being well however, I'll be moving house which will prove a good distraction. Good that you've got stuff planned in...and that you are back to work-hopefully the routine will help?

Welcome home nigel! Fun was it?

Dc had a friend sleeping over last night.
There is a late play date (pizza for dc, wine for mummies) at this girls house on Friday. My 2 go away to LCBs on Thursday so I hadn't mentioned it to them. I'm going if bf isn't staying.
But, last night, their friend asked if they were going to the play date on Friday. They both looked at me and I said I hadn't mentioned it because they were at their dads. Ds says "but we're not going on holiday till Saturday mum. Can we go?" I said they'd need to ask their dad. "Can we ask him?" So I said they could phone him today.
So they did.
Dd says "daddy we're begging you! Can we go. Everyone else is going. Pleeeaaasssseee!!!!"
He's on the spot. Says he'd made plans. Not sure. Asked them what was going to be happening. To explain it to him .
Then manages to say "I think it's ok but mummy needs to tell me all the details."

I text him to say I didn't tell the dc, their friend had asked if they were going because everyone else was going.
Then gave him times etc.

I was sent this in reply…

I was upset with the phone call earlier. This isn't something the kids should be able to dictate and as it's on my time I should have been asked by you or (friends mum). In future if a parent asks you if the kids can do something and it's on my time then you or they should contact me directly. I now find myself having to rearrange plans that I'd made to accommodate this which I will do on this occasion. I'll drop them at (friends mums) at 430 but as we are going on holiday the next morning I'll pick them up again at 9. (I'd told him it might go on till 10)

I won't dignify it with a response.
I mean seriously, what does he think is going to happen in the next few years?
And if he chooses never to parent them, they'll potentially plan all their things on his time because he will never say no. Or they might even take that as him not caring whether he sees them or not.

Anyway, for the first time that I can recall, I didn't shake whilst reading it though I did have a wobble a little later. It actually amused me.

Why did I live with this asshat for the last 7 years and not realise that he is a crap parent?
I mean I'm not perfect, I'm sometimes pretty damn shit but the majority of the time I'm good enough. But this guy has no concept of consequences. For an intelligent man he lacks the ability to play the game a few moves ahead. He never sees anything coming. And it's no longer my job to point them out. I have better things to do like figure out how to do everything I need to do so I don't cry like a baby when the dc leave and get myself in the mood for bf.

Great time, ta
That response is practically word for word what my one sent me when this situation first came up for us...it's actually made my eyes goggle a bit how much they sound the same!

As mine are a bit older than yours, we have this situation more and more.Stbexh has slightly calmed down on this although it stills comes up every three weeks or so, and I still get the slightly accusatory tone and almost the implication that I have somehow coerced the situation so that his time will be encroached upon (and of course the poor me, I'll have to change my plans act). Kids have a social life, shocker. They also spend time with their friends on 'my time' too...As you say he will need to get used to it pretty quick, as most kids, when given a choice of fun time with mates vs doing stuff with their parents will chose the former over the latter, especially as they get tween age and up. Or he could, you know, have some involvement with the kids and invite their friends to his house on 'his time'? (Except he probably pretty much left all that sort of kid networking to you when you were together and would find that a bit harder to start now-but that isn't your problem, though I'm sure he will find a way to blame you for that as well 🙄)

'The kids shouldn't be able to dictate this'
Word for word! How is them asking to go for a play date them 'dictating' anything?What a mad way to look at things...I almost feel sorry for both of our ex's onit-because, as mine is beginning to find out, as they grow up, they start to want to do their own thing and make their own choices-and if their Dads see it as a slight against them personally it's not going to work out well for anyone involved.

Onit, I agree with him and to be honest I'd nip the pleeeaaassseee way of doing things in the bud. Its manipulative and not something you really want the children to be comfortable doing as they get older because of the circumstances they're in.

You were correct not to have told the children about the playdate and when your son heard about it you should have said no, you cant go because you'll be at your dads, or you should have phoned LCB and talked to him yourself. It just wasn't fair on your son to have been put in the position where he had to make the call you didn't want to make.

And a playdate till even 9pm instead of 10 the night before very young children are going on holiday? I'd have said 7pm then had them straight home for a bath and bed. It would still have given time for the children to play and have tea with their friends but it would, more importantly, still allow them a decent nights sleep before travelling. The children are facing a hard day on Saturday and instead of being set up to cope with it they've been set up to find it harder.

And was it wrong that he wanted to know what the playdate was about? How could he have made a decision on it if he didn't know what the evening was about?

No doubt there will be people who say it you handled this really well, you're correct, and yes, he's an arse. I think though that on this occasion it would be wrong to cheer you on 'just because' when nothing has been done in the best interests of the children and you and LCB have both handled this equally as badly.

I think you either have to leave all playdates and parties to him to organise or be made aware of when the children are with him, or you're going to have to get to a place where you can make the calls yourself and deal with him. Is it reasonable to expect the parent of a friend to call him as he's suggested? Yes, it is, but to be honest I doubt very many of them would want to get involved in whats a horrible situation.

In future if a parent asks you if the kids can do something and it's on my time then you or they should contact me directly - does he really expect their friends parents to ring for his permission for the children to play together??

He is unrealistic, and he's (as usual) making this into a much bigger drama than it needs to be.

Rhubarb I really don't see the problem with the dc asking him directly if they can go to their friends house. Presumably they ask onit these things directly too? So why not their dad also? If he doesn't like the children's manner of asking (rather than the fact that they asked him directly), then he needs to address this with the dc, as all parents have to do from time to time.

I don't see that you did anything wrong here onit. LCB is being his usual entitled self about what is a very normal request.