Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

The chances are that he will have less & less time to offer, the baby & its mother will be have their demands. There is a big enough age gap to make doing activities together problematic (ex kicking a ball in the park)
I doubt that he will ever enforce more contact, but just dropping it in so you are miserable.

re not spotting I was being dominated, I was busy, I let him do the money etc, because, he was the provider & this was not the UK, so I didn't know the tax/bank/accounting system & I was up to my eyeballs with kids/schools/meals etc. I figured it was sharing.... More fool I

yearofyou the freedom programme is run by Woman's Aid. It is for any woman that has been subjected to abuse- emotional, financial or physical. It explains the main styles of abuser and how they exert power and control. You can do the programme online and I believe it costs £10, or you can join a group. I have found it incredibly helpful. I first contacted WA when I reached crisis point and thought I was losing my DC to him permanently (he lives overseas). They immediately arranged me a one to one counsellor, counselling for both children individually and I got on the waitlist for the next Freedom group. We are also still on the waitlist for family therapy with them as my relationship with the DC has been so damaged by his lies. In our area once you finish Freedom they offer another group called The Tool Kit which helps you learn new ways to handle issues and develop assertiveness... but I've not got there yet and I don't know if all areas do it. HTH.

onit sorry if I hijacked there to say about WA. I agree that you are not stupid at all- none of us are- in fact one of the greatest things I have learned so far on Freedom is that abusers actually target intelligent, caring, accomplished woman. That in itself has helped me feel less of a gullible, trusting fool.

Oh and yes we don't notice as we are so busy being decent people who forgive and explain away our abusers "quirks" and believe that compromise is important in relationships. But I've day we wake up and realise what we thought was compromising was actually us being dominated and manipulated and lied to.

I still don't recognise the man he turned out to be. I can't understand why any father would basically tell his DC what an unstable monster their mother is and then happily swan off back to another continent and leave his DC with this supposedly appalling mother for months on end. Oh and when the DC panic and say, no, take us with you, don't leave us here with her....he turns around and says oh but you're much better there despite her. Which is code for I don't want you here spoiling my bachelor lifestyle, I just wanted to destroy your mother because I could.

oops I ranted again! You'll be sorry I'm posting again!!

Stormsurfer - thank you very much for your helpful post. It's not exactly what I need but I'm sure it will help others. I'm also sure onit doesn't mind the slight detour. She's a woman of class and care. Thank you.

You're welcome. And I agree, Onit will want to help others in similar situations.

I spent a bit of time today actually reading living with the dominator.
Dd has a piano lesson and I spent the whole time highlighting paragraphs of it.

I will try to read a bit more tomorrow.

I also searched for a freedom programme but the closest I could find is 40 miles away. Or a 3 month wait for one a little closer.

I’m sure I’ve looked before and had similar results.
Find it really odd that there are no courses running in the city. There are none in my area either.

And rant away stormsurfer we’re all friends here

onit did you try Saje Scotland? That is who is running my freedom group. And I don't think I'm all that far away from you.

www.sajescotland.org/the-freedom-program/

And nigel we’re definitely going for a drink when the divorces are finalised.
I’ll buy you a very large gin and a packet of peanuts

Thought I’d replied last night but obviously not

thanks stormsurfer*. That’s the one I found. It’s a bit out of the way but if it’s the closest there is.
I’m off on a day they have a drop in thing. It’s a bit further away again but I might try to be brave and go to that. Nit sure about walking in by myself though and my friends will all be working.
And I still can’t get my head in a place where I actually believe it’s for me.
I wasn’t battered. I had a “good” life. I was provided for.

Yes, I get that, totally. Neither was I. And TBH until I stopped communicating with him verbally, I still doubted it. But now I only do text and email and when I actually see what he says in black and white and can reflect before responding, it is so clear. Also WA do say that survivors all say that the emotional abuse is much longer lasting and harder to recover from precisely because it is not a clear cut broken nose etc, it is far more insidious and harder to know what the reality is. I know we have never met, but if I am free when you are going I would be happy to walk in to the meeting with you if you need that support.

That you say " provided for" is in itself telling Onit. In fact you were n a relationship where you both were making an equal, though different contribution. Whether contributing financially by working outside the home, or contributing by taking up the lion's share of childcare/domestic responsibility (also a financial contribution btw).

You should see it that way, and so should he. If he was the "provider" you think he was, he would still be , wouldn't he? Rather than not properly supporting his DC, and making you jump through hoops.

That's the thing about control and abuse. It doesn't stop when you physically separate. He wont change. That's why the FP is so helpful. It not only helps you identify what went on, but often what still is.

I remember what a mutual friend said after I left my XH, and he was being especially abusive, withholding money and more. He said that behaviour alone (post split) was justification for my leaving. If he could behave like that ...

Was an eye opener, though as been said is a long process, and even now I shake my head sometimes at something I remember. I hope you keep considering FP.

Well said mrsp

I’ve read half of living with the dominator now.
There’s things which are glaring but there are also things that make me think he wasn’t really abusive.
I never felt threatened with violence.
He never raised his hands.
I was never scared.

Yes you won't have them all, but many of them. For example I didnt think there was the sexual aspect at all, then today at my group I realised there was but I had buried it. From what you have said, he exerted power and controlled you and that is abuse in a nutshell.

He just wore me down.
As I was reading I remember home correcting my pronunciation of certain words. In front of his family. It was all in good humour obviously but I remember excusing myself to go to the loo and feeling like I needed to do better.

That"s cruel. And abusive.

The more clever they are, the more they are able to make it very subtle and you end up doubting yourself. It is indeed death my a thousand cuts instead of one blow. There was an article in the Daily Mail today about emotional and it was very clear about how they wear you down. Worth reading (I don't often say that about the DM!!)

I have read all your threads Onit.And theres one thing i have to say,he doesnt hold the power.You do.By moving on and getting away from him.And you are getting away from him.Bit by bit.He knows it too,thats why he throws things out there.

But you are not stuck in a relationship cause you have to be,you are in a relationship cause you want to be.Hes opened your eyes.

How's your week been onit?

Been a busy week.
Second snow day here. Got at least a foot of snow and red weather warning.
Should have been working today.
It’s a moot point now, but I was worrying about the loss of pay but my work decided to close so it’s all good.

Lcb texted yesterday to say he’d be working at home so could help with the dc; but as the warnings were not to travel, it’d be difficult.

Like I’d let my dc out in a car.
I told him they’d not be going anywhere.

I also said I was trying to figure out a way I’d not lose a days pay.
He offered to take them a day next week so I could make up my hours.
So he can’t fulfil his commitment because he moved away and I have to give up my weekend off to make up hours because of it.
Fuck him!
Like I can dictate my hours anyway.

He actually said he could “help with the kids”.

I mean I knew this was what would happen when he moved but it’s hit home that any and all school closures, illnesses, etc fall on me. He will be able to look like he’s offering but not actually have to do any parenting. Because I’m not going to make my sick child leave their bed any more than I’d be letting them get in a car tonight to travel in blizzard conditions for no other purpose than to appease him.
Yet another way to keep me in my place as it’s my employers who have to take the hit when I need to stay home. And my attendance record that suffers.

He asked this morning what time to get the kids today.
Quoting weather warnings being lifted and forecast being ok.

I replied saying the conditions here are awful but we’d gone out walking and, if he parks his car a few minutes away and walks to collect them, he can pick them up a bit earlier than usual. So he can have more time to safely get them to his.
I added I’d expect them home if the forecast changes for the worse. And though this is unlikely, because of previous misunderstandings I felt the need to be explicit.

I almost spat my coffee across the room at his response.
Fine about the plan to collect them but he added at the end that he didn’t appreciate the tone and that in all his communication with me he feels he is respectful and he’d appreciate if I would stop talking down to him.

I obviously forgot the wee ego stroke. Poor baby

How funny Onit. What a twit!!!! You are doing well. I like your tone - keep it up.

in all his communication with me he feels he is respectful - hahaha (falls off chair from laughing).

He really doesn't like being told, does he?