Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

I strongly suspect he is trying to needle you. As well as being a shit parent.

He will be aware, at some level, of you moving forward, and out of his control. And he wont like it, regardless of what he has done.

Again, make your point, tell him what he needs to do, but don't get drawn in to any drawn out discussion.

I agree with Agatha, It is expensive & a miserable task.
Tell him he will be giving the nits to everyone in range if he fails in this parenting. & they need to remember to change the sheets, towels, wash hats, hoover car seats, spray collars, sofa..........
No point in you doing it if they don't.

It took me almost 5 years to realise I couldn't co-parent with my ex. We would agree mutual goals, rules, rewards, punishments etc. and they would all go out the window on his watch leaving me to pick up the pieces on mine. I now "Parallel Parent", which basically means I do what I think best when I have my kids, supply him with the info he needs and walk away, assuming he won't comply, when he has them. Unless they're at any real risk of being harmed (mine are not) then there is really nothing you can say or do to make him behave as you see fit, or as your children deserve.

My Ex of 15 years gives me no notice at all as to when he will be in town to visit (haven't seen or heard from him since November) and we all recognise that as being the only power play he has left in his arsenal. Until very recently it drove me crazy and I would push for dates, now he often breezes into town to find that everybody has plans already and they don't include him.

Karma is a slow cooked dish, and I know it seems like he has it all right now, but he will get what's coming to him (and it will break your heart) when his kids would rather do anything than hang out with him.

Yep, what Agatha said. Tell him it needs doing ( as he failed to do it properly the first time-it doesn't matter that he didn't read the email properly-he's a dad isn't he? He should bloody well know how to treat effectively for nits-it's not your job to tell him), and that's all there is to say really...

I need to abandon co parenting in favour of parallel parenting I think. I just need to alter my mind set drastically!!

I’m about to go into my therapy session.
I’ll read through all your comments again later and update.
Thank you all for your thoughts

Just to let you know onit (forgive the pun!) that you can get head lice treatment for free from your pharmacy under the minor ailments scheme

Ive had a pretty shitty evening and just about to try an sleep.
I used conditioner and the nit comb on the dc when they came home. Took over an hour so no story tonight and late to bed.
Then after they went to bed I did me but I’m so fucking angry I could spit!
I’d actually been ok.
At counselling I basically got to the point I was alright. Just need to lower my expectations. Bide my time. It’s not worth getting upset over etc. Don’t engage. Don’t reply to his shitty response. And I was ok.

But, I made the mistake of asking ds tonight if his dad had said anything about not treating him and he told me that dad had said he didn’t read the email because he was too tired.

I want to shout from the highest building/plaster Facebook/hire a fucking sky writer to tell the world that this self proclaimed super dad can belong to the pta, take his dc to every movie going, every fun activity within a 50 mile radius, give them every meal over his weekend in restaurants and cafes or feed them but he can’t tip a bottle of nit lotion on his sons head because he’s too fucking tired!!!
WTF does he think I am?!?
I’m on my fucking own here 12 days out of 14 taking care of everything, shattered beyond measure sometimes but just fucking doing it because I love my dc to death and I just fucking have too; and he has a fucking partner to share the load with on the 2 days a fortnight he’s actually supposed to parent them, and he’s too tired to read an email about the health and well-being of his dc which was no longer than a twitter post?!?

I have to admit I was quite open about how angry I was at him
I told them that his being tired was no excuse. That they were just as important as the baby and that his neglect meant they’d have to endure the nit comb at least once more this week and we’d have lots more work to do stripping and washing bedlinen etc. That it was disrespectful of their dad to think his time is worth more than ours. And selfish. And thoughtless.

I should be sleeping now as I’ll need to be up at 6 to get us all showered and ready for work and school. But I’m so tense with rage.
And I cant fucking do anything or say anything because it will achieve nothing. The man has no shame.
And as for her I hope her nipples are shredded from breastfeeding, that her nit riddled hair is falling out (like mine is) from the stress of being a new parent. That she is watching his behaviour and seeing how one day she’ll be in the receiving end of his narcissism.
Her karmas in the post but I’m still pissed that he seems to get away with everything and walks around like his shit doesn’t stink

*or feed them shite

He is a prick. But, this is what he wants. You up to high doh, and I expect his current partner on edge wondering what is going on.

He did read the email. He ignored it and then wound you up using your DC. And also unnerved them by indicating he thinks so little of them that he can't be bothered engaging with their main carer/resident parent.

At the risk of driving you mad. Freedom Programme, even online.

The suggestion up thread of parallel parenting is a good one. Expect nothing, and assume you are doing it all alone (which you are). Enjoy the support you have, including BF.

You cannot control what other people think about him or you. So don't give it any space. You will be much happier if you let it go, and so will the DC. They will already be working out what is going on, and will draw their own conclusions as time goes on. His loss.

KOKO.

Thanks MsP
I have downloaded living with the dominator on my kindle but I have no attention span for reading anymore. I’ve started reading it loads.
My local WA only runs when I’m at work and I’d prefer to speak to someone face to face.
I know it’s all excuses.
It’s on my list but I never get far enough down it that it gets to the top.

I have a temperament that involves speaking out.
I know everyone says Parallel parent, Grey Rock, Ignore, don't get drawn in it's what he wants.
Personally I would give him a call, & tell him precisely what you thought & incidentally these nit potions are NOT good for us, its pesticide on your skull.
I hate him, I hate his partner, but honestly the idea of having to treat a baby with nit treatment makes me sad.
I would say he was a sad excuse of a father to all 3
& I know you don't agree, but this is how I am.

He's a twat. But we knew that. He won't change I don't think.
I hear you onit. I know how tiring it is and then how shit it is when you ask the other parent to do some actual parenting rather than the Disneying and they just don't...

This too will pass... it will. And without any help from that mug. At least you can look back on it and know you did a good job and he can take no credit for your fabulous kids.

The bastards too tired to read a 100 word email from me but has just now sent me a 2 pager with his rota for the Easter holidays.

I swear to god a judge would not convict me of a ran over him in my car

Grrrrr I'd send him a mail saying
"too busy to read this bollox", I might have time when you man up & treat your children's head lice; Tosser

Ignore it, send him a brief email with what you want to do re the Easter holidays and when he questions it simply say ' i didn't have time to read your email, sorry'

Self important little fucker isn't he?

I've said it before and I'll say it again: lucky escape Onit.

Agree. So well shot of him! Controlling arsehole.

I don't be so tempted not to let them go anymore at the moment. Them seeing him is making more work for you. If they'd stayed with you, you'd have treated them full stop never mind properly and you probably wouldn't have to retreat.

I've not commented for a while onit, I've had a 4 month stretch of trying to cope with my DC having been "flipped" against me by my ExH and have not been in the best place, but I have thought if you often and read your updates. I want to second MrsPs suggestion of the Freedom Programme. You can do it online. I have started going to one and also have a WA counsellor for one to one. The help and support they give is amazing. I finally feel able to move forwards and start a new chapter.

I would be..

I started reading living with the dominator again. The first but that stopped me in my tracks was the bit abouthow everyone thinks we should know what was happening and why.
I feel like the biggest fool for not seeing it but it seems that it’s similar for everyone. That’s comforting in a crappy kind of way.
Reading a bit more is one of my to do’s for today. Along with the mountain of ironing. Shopping and cancelling a couple of unnecessary direct debits. Belt tightening in earnest now.

I live in fear of lcb turning the dc on me, stormsurfer. Glad you’ve got support. I really need to call WA when the dc are off school.

Though I

Oops.

Though in other news I believe I’ll be getting divorce papers pretty soon as he’s been contacted by his solicitor.
Also they asked if he still wants to push for more contact and he has said not at the moment but may pursue it in the future.

Guess his new family are enough of a replacement and he’s shown enough effort to make it seem like he’s just another poor dad with a malicious, bitter ex wife using the kids as a weapon.
Cunt!

If it ever happened that we are both divorced we should have some sort of party onit.
Mine still hasn't gone through. I beg of you. I just want it done now.

That's horrendous storm. I hope you are ok.

Oh Onit, I feel your rage . . . He's the fucking gift that keeps giving . . .

I don't condone violence at all, but honestly, if I was driving and saw my sister's knobhead, controlling ex crossing the road, I would not hesitate to accelerate . . .

You are not a fool, because if you are, so is my dear sister and lots of other fabulous women on MN and RL who have to deal with this neverending shit.

It's all about control with these men. My advice is to ingore and detach. Stay businesslike in your communications. Be firm and stick to established routines with regards to the children. Don't give him any headspace. Adopt a neautral tone. Set aside time once a week to deal with his crapppy correspondence and don't engage with the rest.

You are brilliant! 🏅

Try and look at it this way: loss of control = increase in (ridiculous) demands.

That whole thing about pursing further contact eith the children in the future is his way of reminding you that he is still in control. Don't let it rattle you. He doesn't give a shit about the children or anyone else, apart from himself. I bet life isn't peachy creamy for him atm. He's only trying to exert control over you, because he's flailing in every other respect.

Stormsurfer please could you tell me what and who the freedom programme is for? Is it for relationships that have had DV?