Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

I hope you are not feeling too low Onit, but it's o.k.to feel crappy about the the whole shitty situation.

Got a text first thing this morning saying as he’s on paternity leave he can collect the dc at anytime.
I replied that they had plans and he could get them at the usual time.

I’ve eaten everything this week but also managed the gym 3 times so hopefully the damage isn’t too great.

Dd is excited about the baby. Ds a bit less chatty but seems ok.

I’m ok.
The bf is coming up this weekend. Dc have mentioned him at least as much as the baby this week and dd actually said hi to him on the phone this morning. Not planned. I don’t normally speak to him when the dc are around but he was having a problem this morning and wanted to speak. The dc would normally be at breakfast club but we’ve been having more relaxed mornings recently and going in later if I’m not at work.
Dd asked if she could say hello and they said hi and he asked her if she was looking forward to school today. She said yes and when she said bye, ds shouted bye too.

I’ll have a proper chat with bf this weekend about organising a meeting of some sort.

I’m consciously trying to not get upset about lcb, ow and baby.
It’s difficult to stay on track but I’m getting better at catching and checking myself.

The dc are ok and that’s all that matters now.

You are so strong Onit. Maybe this is time to allow bf to meet them & so become an open part of your life. & Change the dynamic in both your & LCBs homestead !

If been following from afar and think you've been a stellar mum to your dcs. Keep it up.

Bf and I had a lovely weekend.
Dcs returned tonight and were in good spirits. They’d not been disturbed during the 2 nights they were away which is my main concern.

I have told my dc that it might take a while till they meet the bf. This is true. He lives 100 miles away. We can’t just pop by. But I have laid the groundwork. The bf is on board too. But he has been for a while. Just need to figure out how, when and where to do it.
The long distance thing is really hard.

I’m so much less afraid of what might happen. I’m a better mum now than I used to be. Free from lcb and whatever it was that made me so ridiculously uptight about everything.
When I’m stressed I’m not a good mum. I have been dealing with it by looking at my trigger points (mornings before work and bedtimes) and I’m trying to be more relaxed. So I don’t send them into breakfast club unless I have work and we try and have breakfast together. And bedtimes a bit more fluid to avoid me —losing my shit— being a bit shouty.
It dawned on me I was still thinking about what lcb would think.
He was so keen on breakfast club.
But I’d used it as a way to keep routine after the split and when I was still in the shitty bit of the processing stage.
I’m passed that now.

Really need to get to sleep now. No rest for the wicked.
Hope everyone’s had a good weekend too

Sounds good Onit, that you are able to analyse & adjust.
If you don't need them to go to breakfast club, don't. (unless they want to go) it will take the pressure off leaving earlier, & give you more time with them.
Could you ask them how they feel about it ? asking for their opinion would make them realise you are listening & respecting their needs,

mix, that’s what I did . Asked if they fancied having a bit more time at home a couple of mornings. Have breakfast with me, play a bit before school, finish homework (which is always so difficult to do because they are rarely at home after school).
And they’re loving it!
They’ve noticed I’m more relaxed (“you haven’t shouted this week mummy ), and they like feeling like they’re lying in some days (they jump in bed with me after they wake up and we snuggle till one of us —me— has to pee).

Anyway, I’m pleased with how it’s working and glad they are too.

But, on the afterschool front, I’m after some advice if anyone has a suggestion.

The dc are returning from lcb almost every time complaining of feeling sick.
Mainly dd who suffers with car sickness. But also occasionally ds, who came in tonight with hiccups, face covered in chocolate biscuit, book in hand, saying he thought he might be sick.
Dd took more than 30 minutes to go from near tears with nausea to saying her tummy felt better.

To paint a picture, one night a week they go from school around 3.30pm to his place at least 45 minutes away, he feeds them a meal and then returns them home for 6pm through stop/start rush hour traffic. My guess is they spend at least an hour coming home.
The other weeknight (tonight) they go straight from school to an activity which takes an hour or so, they eat a packed lunch type tea (which he brings) at that venue (sport centre) and then spend the rest of the time in the soft play there before coming home.

I have noted complaints of tummy aches/nausea every time they do the longer drive from his (including the Sunday of his weekend) but also a few times after their activity (as tonight).

I want to draw his attention to this.
I asked dd on Monday if she’d told daddy she felt ill in the car. She said she had before but not that day. I said then that she needed to tell him, but it feels wrong to make her entirely responsible for that and I want to follow up so he’s aware.

But I’m struggling to word an email that actually does anything more than make a statement.
I want him to acknowledge there’s an issue.
I want him to suggest a solution. And I actually want him to know that, if he can’t come up with one, that my solution is that they don’t do the drive to his on a Monday to come back an hour later.

What I actually want is for him to realise his moving away is having an adverse affect on the dc and take responsibility for that but I realise I’m on to a loser .

Help if you can, or tell me I’m being petty if you think that too. I still sometimes don’t know if I’m just nitpicking or if it’s a battle worth fighting.
But I feel this is important.
Is it?

It's definitely worth an emailing outlining the facts of this onit. It's actually ridiculous that they have to sit in the car for that amount of time - 1 hour 30 mins min to 1 hour 45 mins - to spend 45 - 60 minutes at his house. A better solution might be for him to take them for dinner somewhere local that has a children's play area so that he can spend quality time with them.
So yes, definitely worth telling him that they feel car sick, that they continue to feel car sick for around 30 minutes after getting home. And that he needs to come up with a more workable solution to his mid week contact time so that they don't spend all of it feeling distressed.
Out of interest, do they feel sick on the outbound journey, or is it just the return journey when they have eaten? I'm wondering if the travelling on full stomachs is making it worse.

There are 2 issues, is it car sickness? or is it hygiene/junk food induced?

If they are reading in the car its inevitable they will get car sick.
Is he giving them too much junk to eat, before or in the car ?
Does DD know she has to sit in the middle & look out of the front, & not at her phone/book/toy from the start of the trip?
Can she open the window a crack for fresh air.

My DD responded well to a"bracelet" that is like an elasticated tennis sweat band, it had a "bead" which presses on the inner wrist which is an acupressure point. (I don't know if its airy fairy, I just know it seemed to diminue car sickness.) I found it in the chemist.

What about a msg.
^We have a problem with DCs retuning home unwell.
DD sick on insert days/dates, time to recover
DS sick on, ditto
It is something you will have to address. it is possible it is car sickness, in which case I suggest there is too much transport on X day. when between 3.30 & 6.00 they are sat in the car for the best part of 2 hours.
Clearly this is not time well spent
There are basic rules for alleviating car sickness, you must get them to respect them being the responsable adult present.

It is possible you are feeding them too much junk, &/or not getting them to wash their hands after sport/day in school/eating McDonalds.
I am not prepared to have them returned sick every time they have contact^

It is worth addressing, in the simplest of terms. But it is also a battle you might not win, as ultimately his time, his rules. Not fair I know and agree, but there it is. He has not put the needs of the DC first before, and hardly likely to now unfortunately.

It's not worth you being drawn into a flurry of emails that let him back into your head, so bear that in mind. May also be worth waiting a few weeks just in case it is partly also anxiety induced with the waiting for, and arrival of the baby?

It's not worth you being drawn into a flurry of emails that let him back into your head, so bear that in mind - absolutely this.

What Mrs P said
I think just email him, stick to the fact Dog the matter, allow him to take measures to alleviate the situation, raise it again in a few weeks if it's still an issue and he's done nothing. It's all you can do.

I really don't want to hijack this thread but onit could you offer any advice as my husband has told me he is leaving within the next few weeks. What can I prepare as I have a few days off work to get organised. I have just read your threads and you are an anspiration :)

Rosie, so sorry to hear this, you need to start a new thread, everyone will post !

I will do, thank you

So sorry rosie
I’ll look for your thread and comment if I can add anything useful. There are so many amazing women here.

Thanks for all the suggestions.
I’ve pared back to the bare facts ie the dc are coming home nauseous. It has been a regular occurrence in the last few weeks. Can he speak to the dc to try to figure it out.

It’s all about the dc and fuck all to do with me.
He has an opportunity to fix this without me getting involved.
We’ll see.

Absolutely right Onit it is all about your kids. Don’t let him into your head with long emails detailing his perspective and dumping guilt trips on you.
He is a total shitbag, a grade A c*nt (I don’t use that word lightly) and you mustn’t let him in to your head. You finally have a lovely, decent, kind man in your life looking out for you and giving you very sound advice. Don’t let that waste of space into your head. Your kids are getting car sick with all the travelling. What does he suggest to remedy it? End of.
Hugs to you x

Onit - apologies if too left beam but your post about the DC feeling unwell rang a bell for me. I was in care and didn't have any set pattern for when I would visit my birth mother. My foster abuser carer would come into my room and tell me to get up if I wanted to go and see bm. When it came to going back I don't recall knowing the time the car would come for me but I'd feel tearful the minute I got in the car and start to feel sick. I know the situation isn't the same but there is something there about not being happy. I didn't want to go back to the foster parents as they were abusive , I was full of emotion re BM and now I'm not making any sense.

I’m so sorry YearOfYouRemember. That must’ve been awful for you

My dc don’t appear to be unhappy about visiting their dad and I really hope they’re not unhappy when they’re coming home.
I’ll keep it in mind though in case of any future issues.

I felt mine was the opposite so it would seem like I thought they were unhappy coming home but I truly didn't mean that. It could be they are sad to be leaving their dad and new sibling. It's hard for them but you are doing a great job with them. I didn't see your thread from the beginning but I've got the jist and the children will be fine with you as their mum.

Did you get a response from him onit?

He said he knew nothing about them feeling unwell until that day when dd mentioned something as she was getting out of the car.
He said he’d speak to them when he saw them.
Not sure if he did as the dc couldn’t remember when I asked them.
They were fine after returning on Monday but he’d had them all day as it was the holidays. They didn’t travel so far coming back either as they’d been out somewhere closer to home. Also the traffic would’ve been less due to the holidays.

I guess I’m just watching and waiting.

Last week Dd came home telling me that a girl in her class has nits. I checked dd first and, as I found one and ds and I were both itchy, I treated us all. I’ve no idea how to begin checking my own head anyway
So, along with the carsick email I added that I’d treated them and that he’d need to re-treat them on Friday along with anyone in close contact.
He replied saying he’d do what was necessary.
On Thursday night I had to buy more lotion and then I re-treated myself. The bf was coming to visit on Friday and iI didn’t want to be dripping in nit lotion.
Dd came home on Thursday night saying daddy didn’t have any lotion and they’d need to take it with them.
I debated sending him a screenshot of the page on amazon showing how much the bloody stuff costs but I decided against it.
Fast forward to tonight. They come home and DD’s hair is messy (as usual) which reminded me to ask. Not before we’d all got comfy for s cuddle on the couch together.
Turns out he treated dd but not ds and presumably not himself or ow either. Or the baby which has a full head of hair!
I emailed asking him to confirm and I get a shitty reply saying he thought I said only dd needed done because ds had said he didn’t need done (of course he said that, he hates it!).
But after looking at my original email it’s clear I meant both of them. So apologies.

I’m so pissed off.
I now need to start treatment for all of us again.
Ds was scratching tonight. I feel itchy already. But all this treatment just makes it less likely it’ll work next time; not to mention all the extra fucking washing, time spent trying to wrangle them and all this because that fucking knobend can’t read an email!

Will this ever fucking stop?
I wish I’d just done it a day early for them too. Even though I have no fucking time because he only brings them home an hour before they go to bed.
I’m livid.
And I get “apologies”

I’ve half a mind to tell him I need them home early tomorrow night so I can take care of it.

BS he didn't read the email properly. He just couldn't be arsed. Another parenting fail. Twat!

Tell him you need them both treating before he brings them home tomorrow night as there won't be time once they are home.

As usual, he's being an arse.