Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

Try to calm down to a panic nigel!
He can’t just decide he wants them more.
You are resident parent.
Ignore as best you can till after Christmas and then speak to your lawyer.
Realistically he’s not getting to take them from you to put them in after school care, is he?

You have a lawyer, right?
Put him/her to work.
Your ex is a fucking asshat

I just found out he’s taking her to a fancy spa for 2 days at new year.
£800. A month before she’s due to give birth.
Guess money’s not so tight since he got the big cheque

Oh Nigel :(. What a bastard. Do you think that he's completely unaware of how inappropriate the timing of this is, just before Christmas? I don't. It seems that for some reason he gets a kick out of yanking your chain to keep you off balance and unsettled. Even if you accept his logic that 3 v 4 nights is unfair, how does it become fairer if he has more time.

You can't change how someone behaves but you can change how you react to him. Disengage. Tell him he isn't welcome over Christmas. Any normal person expecting to spend Christmas at someones house would realise that this sort of stunt would cause major ructions. Is he still expecting to come round? It's like he's trying to provoke you,no doubt so he can tell you that you are crazy.

nigel, still thinking about you. I hope you’re ok.

He’s definitely trying to provoke a reaction. His timing is impeccable. And deliberate

Presumably aiming for you to lose it in a spectacular fashion in front of your dc on Christmas Day.
Please, please, please tell him he’s no longer welcome.
If anyone else in your circle treated you like he has/is, you would not be contemplating playing happy families over the fucking turkey.
You deserve to, if not enjoy Christmas Day, at least not be spending it with the abusive bastard who will make you miserable at best and at worst will be goading you into losing your shit in front of your girls so he can prove once and for all how unhinged you are.
Please don’t let him.
They will understand.

We talked a few months ago, nigel, about if the lcb’s would expect their daughters to put up with this sort of treatment from their exes.
My ddad would be devastated if he was still here.
I’m worried you’ve not been back.
I’ll check in the morning in the hope you’ve had a change of heart.
Sending strength and a big hug

He is an abusive arsehole. I've said it before. The dynamic of a relationship continues after a split. Magnified in an abusive situation.

You have been managing, placating, wrongly thinking you both wanted the best for your DC. He is a controller. He may well be picking up on your tentative steps to move out of his control. This is his response. It is nothing to do with DC, al to do with dominating you (and them).

Please please call, email whatever WA. They will give you sound advice. And yes to your lawyer too.

I know it is scary, and hard to do. But, do it for the DC. They are already suffering, as are you. And if you can please do not respond other than acknowledging receipt of email. Then have his emails sent elsewhere than inbox, switch off phone etc till New Year. And consider not doing what he is telling you to do at Christmas. What more can he do ?

I have been there. I resisted advice. I managed, I thought. Best thing I ever did was to say No. I blocked contact (not saying you should). I agonised (have severely disabled DS) over impact on DC. You know what? We were all much better off, without his toxicity. Was hard, but so much better for DC (and me, less so, as I as was used to, and normalised it). Years on, all fine, DC and DD have good relationship, and my life transformed. Be Brave!

Just about to start work but wanted to check in.
nigel, you ok?

I have news of a different kind.
I’m meeting bf’s 2 ds’s next week
I’m shitting myself. More than when I went on the first date.
Teenage boys are scary!!

Teenage boys are scary!! they're not, they're lovely.
I'm sure it'll go well. Where are you meeting them?

I really don't understand, How many days are there in the week ? what is his aim 50/50 ? he would get another half a day.
Is he going to get the ow, involved in school runs?.....
honestly I can't see him going back to court, is mean ugly bullying, & if he sis, there is little likelihood he would win.
However on the back of this I would say he can fuck the fuck off for Xmas. you celebrate Xmas & Bday on Xmas day He can take them to his shitty flat for Bday & 2nd Xmas.
Stop this fuckwittery now

Sorry that was meant for nigel, hadn't refreshed.

Onit, be friendly & smile, teenage boys usually only grunt, so don't expect much ! I know I would be terrified, but I am not good at feeling at ease socialising with anyone of any age !
It's a big step, but shows bf is ready to be "serious" !

I’m going to his house. The day after Boxing Day. My dc are at lcbs. Bf wanted me to visit because I’d be alone otherwise.
He says they’ll probably just disappear to their rooms.
I’m feeling a little strange that I’ll be with someone else’s dc when I wish I was with my own.
Then I guess the next step will be bf meeting my dc.

Nigel please come back just so we know you’re ok.

I'm here. Sorry-just had a really bad day yesterday.
I've asked him to give me further detail
On what it is he's asking for. He has said he will leave it til the new year now. Which I read as 'I'm going to try and screw you over but I haven't got the bottle to tell you exactly how when I know I'm going to be spending three days with you over Christmas'. As such my anxiety is through the fucking roof.

I would think he will be going for 50/50 in terms of overnights through the month, but will still need me to pick them up from School and have them til he gets home from work. That's what the ow does with her exh (and didn't she wail about it to me for months on end when they were in the process of splitting up and before her affair with mine came out? It makes me feel sick that she is now encouraging this which she clearly is, although why that surprises me still I don't know).

I am going to try and make an appointment with my solicitor for early in the new year as this will end up in court I think.

He is taking them away from this morning til Christmas Eve lunch time now-and then the fun at my house begins. I just don't know if I will get through it-I feel quite sick.

That's exciting re meeting your bf's kids onit! But so nerve wracking I'm sure! Where will it be-his house?

Thankyou for your concern all-it does help to know people are thinking of me-really. I feel very on my own with it all in real life.

You’re not alone nigel
Do you have any rl support at all?

Nigel, that is a truly bizarre arrangement. A friend is being asked by her nearly ex for this and it sounded insane - like he's simultaneously asking to pay less maintenance as 50/50 but to also avoid the work, reduce her earnings and avoid paying for childcare. Courts don't fall for that shit do they?
Onit, good luck with the kids! How much do they know about you? And remind me, I recall you're a little younger than him- is it an age gap that's likely to "surprise" them?

Why is he going for 50/50?
Is it to do with maintenance do you think?

And yes, I’m going to bfs house to meet the dc.
I suppose I should being preparing my dc for the fact he exists too.

No I dont think so re the maintenance. It's all a contest to him. He feels I win by having them more I think.

I do have friends but lots of them are also friends with him or else I feel I've exhausted them talking about it all. My parents have early signs of dementia and can't really follow what's being said or can to some degree but I don't want to stress them out any more than needs be.

What ages are the kids onit?

Fuck that, nigel, tell him if he goes for 50/50, he will have to have them 2.5 days a week & do all the school pickups, packed lunches, sport kits etc, etc
& alternating week ends.
Just fuck off mate, you already pick up the slack, & had to change job to enable it.
Just tell him to JOG ON.
He does NOT get to dictate, just do not let him ruin your Xmas, tell him in view of his playing games, he can do one or Xmas.
Sorry, am SO cross about this. nigel, you have been & still are so strong.
DO NOT LET HIM PLAY THESE MIND GAMES

Bf’s boys are 14 and 17. He has a grown up son too who lives elsewhere so I won’t meet him.

If I was your real life friend nigel I would want you to share your stuff. Probably best to talk with one of your “proper” friends though, not one of theirs (mind boggles that anyone could side with him though)

Have you had any counselling? Or do what MrsP suggest and speak to WA.
I’ve struggled to get in contact with my local WA because they only open when I’m at work. I’ll have some time in the holidays to hopefully sort that.
If not it’s my NY resolution to do it because I’d like to arm myself for the custody stuff.
I think you could do that too.

I've had tons of counselling. I had to have cbt at first just to get me to the girls football matches without having a full on panic attack. (Because obvs the woman was here too watching her kid-she stood one end of the touchline, him the other, me in the middle trying to keep it together), cbt helped me do that. Now it's just normal counselling and it has helped-I think I'd have sunk without it. But it's just when I think things are getting better that he starts acting like this... and I'm not as strong as I thought. (In fact it's probably because things are better for me that he is acting like this really).

Maybe you should go out with his boys somewhere-dinner and a movie or something? Take the pressure off a bit? It's exciting though onit-big step forward!

Thankyou both-onit and mix...and anyone else who has commented on my stuff-it does help.

This is a message for onit and also nigel to wish you both all the best from someone who has waded through all this crap, and come out the other end.

You’re doing so well and I’m full of admiration for your strength and dignity. You will come through it, and as they grow up your children will understand and respect you even more. Keep going - it will get better!

And Happy Christmas

Oh Onit i have posted this on AleC thread tonight - I have lurked and occasionally posted on both threads but I feel so much empathy with both of you.

Wishing you and your DC a happy time over the festive season

( and to Nigel you are amazing to even contemplate having him at your house over Christmas, my STBXH is picking my dc up tomorrow and that’s more contact than I’d rather have all year)

This is longer than I intended but I really wish all of you (us!) a happy Christmas and an absolutely fucking amazing 2018, it’s about time xxx

I have lurked and occasionally commented on your threads as our situations are so very similar but do you know what dawned on me today?
(And I don’t say this lightly, I am in tears as I type having done my DC stockings etc on my own tonight)
But we have done it!! We have done 2017, a whole year without those selfish bastards who have caused so much hurt to their own children and to us. We have made it and given our children a good life and have things to look forward to for next year.
So happy, happy Christmas to you and your loved ones.
We’ve survived this year, next year will be better xxx

Merry Xmas to everyone
I know it’s a bit —a lot—shit for some of us but we KOKO.

Got my dc back tonight and they were so excited.
They opened their Christmas Eve box, put their new onesies on, ate chocolate buttons, had hot chocolate and I put polar express on which seems to entrance them (big win there so I was able to finish glazing the ham for tomorrow’s dinner.
We snuggled in my bed for a wee bit and watched the Santa tracker before they went off to bed.
I expected them to take ages to fall asleep but they were angels.
I managed to wrap everything in just over an hour.
I’m knackered though.
Worked all weekend and my Fitbit informs me I did just shy of 50k steps over Saturday and Sunday. The joys of retail at Christmas.
I guess I’ll feel less guilty when I do about 500 tomorrow

I hope you’re surviving nigel
Please don’t let the wanker get to you but if he does, kick his ass out!

Best get a little sleep. Dc will be up soon