Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

For Onit 💐 and Nigel 💐

Gracious ladies - you rock!

And that's made me sob (but in a good way). Thankyou all-really. It's so appreciated. I'm really struggling and it seems to have come from nowhere because I was doing pretty well or so I thought...but it really does help to know you are there x

Didn’t mean to make you cry nigel.

I’ve had a weird email from LCB informing me his mum is planning on asking me and the kids to go to hers for dinner during the holidays.
He’s suggesting I can leave the dc there for a sleepover for him to collect them the next day, perhaps by extending his weekend by a couple of days?

I’ve told him to bolt!
Well not literally tempting though that is.
I replied saying I’m still unsure of my working pattern and that I’ll speak to his Mum directly when I see her on Friday.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?
I really don’t know what to make of that.

Is it his sort of round a sour way of getting the kids to see his mum and I assume having to go less out of his way to pick them up?
But yes you are right-just Work it out with his mum. He doesn't need to get involved with that I wouldn't think?

Yes. Speak to his mum. Your relationship with her, as with everybody else, is fuck all to do with him. I suspect that irks him, and it's another way of him continuing to try and exert control over you (and possibly her). Also another unnecessary communication that gets you thinking about him again.

Up to you whether DC do sleepover. If they do, it doesn't follow that they go to him. You can make your own arrangements regarding that with her. He may well be trying to use his DM to undermine existing arrangements. Or to try to create problems between you and his DM, by involving her. All about him being in control always.

Is he doing ti so he can get extra days & then possibly quibble over money?
I expect she told him she was going to invite you to pave the way for any eventual fallout.So he thought he'd use that easy pick up.
Either way, organise what you want with ex MIL, & decide if the DC get to stay over with her or not with her, & then if it suits you LCB can have them.
If you had things planned tell him to Sit & Spin, you aren't seeing them much over Xmas as it stands.

My head is bursting with regular Christmas without dealing with his shit.

Do what suits you and fits in with your ex MIL. Nothing at all to do with him. Controlling twat!

And, its also up to you if they go to ex MIL at all. LCB can organise it in HIS time Don't be pressurised, If you have too much on, you say as much to her, Thank you & can you do this after the Xmas rush.......

balls to "Bold" effort

Sorry to go back to Nigel for a minute, but do you think he would make anything approaching this effort and sacrifice for you? You are being Mrs Doasyouwouldbedoneby here,which is admirable but definitely not reciprocated. He's never ever going to set an extra place at his table for you,for the good of your children. You must accept the new reality, which can be wonderful for you and your family but he isn't part of that anymore, through his own choice. I hope you put yourself first, where you deserve to be.

No, I don't think he would at all, nor would he off when we were married even.but I spend lot of time ingraining the mantra 'if they go low then you go high' into my girls-about various other situations (School friend stuff) and etc. Possibly I've gone too far with it in my own situation now, dunno.

How are you doing nigel?
Been thinking about you a lot this week.

Just wanted to check on you.

I’ve read this back. I’m worried it might seem harsh. It’s not meant to be. It’s just I know how much less pain I felt as soon as I stopped seeing him up close and personal. And I can only imagine your pain at having to host the motherfucker .

You say you might’ve gone too high trying to show your girls how to behave. It’s admirable. But it’s not healthy.
But you are allowed to reassess your decisions. You can explain that their dad hurt you without going into detail. This is not badmouthing him. It is merely stating a fact.
He can’t argue that he didn’t hurt you.
This is what worries me about my situation. He made me swear I’d never badmouth him and, because I saw what happened with my dsis and dnephew, I promised I wouldn’t. Not for him. For the dc.
But (and this took awhile to realise) he never made any such promise to me. And I’m sure you had no reassurance from your ex either.
You are allowed to explain to your dc that it hurts you having him in your home. If they knew how much, do you honestly think they’d want you to martyr yourself.
You can decide to go through with this Christmas if you feel it’s too late to change the plans, but please don't do it because you think it’s best for your girls. It’s only best for him.
They love you. And in time they will ask you why you were so accommodating to a man who showed you nothing but contempt.

Thanks for thinking of me onit. Both girls been sick this weekend and we have been visiting my mum and dad. Good to get away a bit.
I'm still feeling very low tbh... can't shake myself. Home with two poorly girls today and exh wants to come and see them. I Don't really want him too but again feel I can't say no. Need to work on being more assertive or else just being more resilient to interactions with him in the new year I think-either one would do, or a touch of both.
Hope you are ok x

Sorry you are feeling down nigel, but NO, he cannot just pitch up every time it suits him.
He fucked off with someone else, you are living separately, he has his contact timetable, he can phone or skype. Bollox.
I think if you get your new mojo in action now, it will help you feel better,
I know its easier said than done.
You just don't want him in your house. so NO

infact, what would you do if a DC was ill on his watch ? would you go to his place ?

Nigel probably wouldn't have to go to his if they were if they were ill on his time Mix, I bet they'd be at her house!

I had my ex in my flat for 5 years contact(sporadic and on his terms obviously) before it dawned on me that I never went to his. Nor would I have wanted to. I asked myself how it made his wife feel to know he was spending hours at mine. She had to humiliate herself calling to ask me if he was still here, hours after he'd left and done his disappearing act. There's nothing odd about you not wanting him in your new home, he is being inappropriate to assume he can come round in his old role.

Onit, I derailed your thread and I just wanted to say I'm sure you won't mind because you come across as such a generous,genuine person. I've read all your threads and am so glad for you and your children that you've dealt with your divorce with strength and dignity. I hope you have a lovely Christmas and I'm sure that you and your family have a bright happy future. Xx

Denise, I know, that is what I was pointing at,
Onit was clear that LCB was never setting his foot inside her gate.
I think you nigel should state the same, it getting you into a very bad place. I realise it is what the girls want, but actually, having a depressed mother is not going to be good for them, & you need to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of them.

How are you Onit ?

I probably wouldn't go to his if they were ill on his time no, unless it was for more than a day or so or they asked me to. But also I pretty much have them when they are sick 85% if the time anyway so it's not really come up.
I actually avoid going to his as much as possible as I don't like being anywhere she has been, (which I realise is pathetic).

I want to aim for a balance though. The girls need to see that we can Be civil and in each other's company-I think that's positive-but it does need to be more on my terms sometimes and when he has acted horribly then I need to get the balls to change plans and not allow him his own way I guess. That will be the trick.

Sorry onit. No more detailing!

SORRY ONIT Derailing again. Nigel you are not showing that you as a pair of course parents can be civil. You are showing them that he can rail road you. He KNOWS that you want the best for your children and he is using that against you to get what suits him best. Well what was best for your children certainly wasn't him leaving you for your best friend and then doing his best to screw you over afterwards.

THATS WHAT HE CHOSE TO DO NIGEL.

He did that to you, he did that to his children. I'm a child of a crappy marriage, my dad repeatedly did this to us. If I could advise my mum back then, honestly l would say to her Fuck him. Fuck him right in the ear. He chose what he chose,let him live with it and get on with your life.

For what it's worth,I get on ok now with my dad, my mum died at 59, I think her inability to let him go contributed to her early death. Actually I know it did. Tell him to spend Christmas with the woman he left your children for,and please please just have a wonderful first Christmas with your new wonderful family.

yes, nigel, you can be civil at school, or handovers, it lasts for a few minutes, you can then go home to your Sanctuary , & get away from him.
^"I've decided that at Xmas, you will not be staying the night. If you come you can come on Xmas day from 10 to 4, & take them on boxing day if you choose.
I am agreeing as the DC have requested thist, This will not be repeated."^

Boxing Day is DD's birthday which chucks a spanner in the works. I've thought about it every which way and I think I'm just going to suck it up this year, and next year we will have to do things differently. I would imagine he will have moved in with her next year which will put a different complexion on things. I don't see my girls wanting to spend Christmas with her kids (or her tbh from what they've said) so that will inform discussions. I just feel sad for the kids really-it's obviously not what anyone wants for them-but if course I know that they are going to have to get used to this as the new horrible normal.

Of course you must do what you feel is best, in most divorced families, one parent does bday & then the other re-does the birthday, the next day, or week, or contact day.
They will have to get used to it, and so will he

Hi all!
I’m really sad you’re still feeling shitty nigel. I really wish there was something I could say to convince you to tell him to fuck off.
I hope you find strength in the new year to say enough is enough.
It pains me that you aren’t thinking of yourself at all in this.
It’s hard. Really fucking hard to think you’re putting your dc second but, I promise you, you are not. I get that it’s a bit late in the day to change Christmas things on them now (though I like the idea of saying 10-4 only and I think you could explain that to your girls), but in the new year you sit them down and say you can’t do that again next year. And dad won’t be coming to the house again. That you all need to learn how to live apart. It’s what dad wanted and now it’s what you want too because he hurt you and it continues to hurt
Then you tell him. But just do what I did.
You’re not coming in my gate. End of. No explanation necessary. If he doesn’t know why give him my number and I’ll fucking explain it to him
I think you and I are very alike in that we’re good at the advice but not so good at following our own

Well he's messaged today to say he wants to revisit our custody arrangement. After nearly two years and me giving up my job so someone can be there to pick them up from school every day (I've taken a much more poorly paid less secure job to allow me to do this).He's now decided it's unfair that I have them four nights a week and him three.
He never gets home before 6 and usually later than that and never has. I pick them up even on his nights with them.How he intends to manage them more than he does now is not outlined....

I'm sobbing. If he wanted to stress me out as much as possible, which I suspect he did, well then he's managed it.