Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

It’s been a fairly uneventful week.
I’ve noted that he’s avoided picking the dc up from school 3x in the last 2 weeks.
I’m wondering if it’s becoming a bit inconvenient driving out here 3 times a week. Obviously it’s always work commitments.

In other news, the bf and I have briefly chatted about how we introduce each other to our dc.
I’m extremely nervous about it. I worry how my dc will deal with it.
Not least because they’ve got the baby coming in a few weeks.
But it feels like it’s getting close to the right time.
If I could remove LCB and his potential reaction and the subsequent punishment I’m likely to get, I’d be ready to tell my dc that I have a bf and he’d like to meet them.

What should I be expecting? I have my own thoughts but I’d like to hear what others have had happen. If you’d like to share.
I still have difficulty predicting what he’ll do because I don’t understand how his brain works.
It fucking sucks that I’m still basing my choices on what he might do.
But I don’t think he’ll let the custody fight go until someone in authority tells him he has no chance.
He doesn’t like to lose.
I really don’t know how he’ll respond to me moving on.
I believe he thinks I’m still pining for him and that’s why I don’t engage.
Ideally he’d not give a shit but I doubt that’ll happen.
But I’m more and more uncomfortable feeling like I’m hiding/lying since it’s become clear this relationship has long term potential.

I’d like to be able to live my life.

What about telling the DC's after Christmas and NY have passed and possibly before new baby arrives. Hopefully the twat will be too busy changing nappies and having sleepless nights to bother you too much.

I would expect him to try and disrupt and inconvenience you as much as possible re seeing the DC's, but come on girl you have done so well that you can't let the tosspot define your future.

Stop hiding your new relationship, his ego might take a hit but tough shit. Chin up and deal with the fallout with your usual style--remember you are invincible

Who gets the DC if he doesn't? If you are picking up the slack, why? I understand that we always want to do the best by our DC, and not see them let down/disappointed. We can't shield them from the reality of their dad's choices in the long term, and I don't think we should. Hopefully he is making alternative arrangements that don't involve you. You're not his go to in terms of chid care anymore. Either way note all of this in case it is useful for your lawyer.

New Year seems good re telling the DC. Christmas/New Year can be difficult enough, even without all the added stress you all have. Again, do what you want, and what you think will work best for your DC and you. Only you have the power to stop being controlled by what he might or might not do. The less you worry, the less power he will have.

Did you ever have a look at Freedom Programme?

Ive tried a few times to contact my local women’s aid.
Chatted to a lady who called me back but she wasn’t from the local place and she said I should speak to someone there.
Unfortunately they’re only available by phone on a part time basis and those hours all fall in my regular working pattern.
I have had a shift swapped next week though and it hadn’t occurred to me that I might be able to use that opportunity so thank you MrsP for nudging me again.
I’m still struggling with the idea that I might take that resource from someone more in need of it though. It’s not like he’s been (or being) violent towards me.

Well, always the online option remember. He has been physically violent towards you. In a way you are only just coming to terms with.

He has been controlling and abusive, and still is in any case. That's why the programme can help you. It may well be that by doing it you will be more aware of just how bad it has been/is. My experience is that even years and years later I can still be shocked at a realisation of what was going on. Do chase it up.

I think tell The kids in the new year. They will be fine with it i think. It probably won't even register that much and they have got used to their dads new life-they will easily get used to yours. It's not likeyour bf is there all the time so I don't think there will be an issue.

LCB's reaction is up to him. He can make things more difficult yes, but all that will do is back foot him when it comes to legal proceedings as I'm pretty sure a dim view would be taken of someone being deliberately obstructive due to their ex wife having a new boyfriend, particularly when they have a baby on the way with someone else themselves.
My ex pretends to be fine with the idea of my new boyfriend, then questions the girls about him a fair bit, in ways which he considers to be subtle but which the girls come home and roll their eyes at.In fact my youngest once got fed up and told him it was none of his business. (I was quite proud of her when I heard that). He believes that if he is fine with my new bf I will have to be fine and supportive of the girls spending time with him and my former best friend. I am neither, I just accept that I can't stop it. It's a vastly different situation so I don't see it as him being the bigger person, although he clearly does. ( again not a surprise as he tends to think the sun shines out of his own arse)

As an aside this week he has told me he believes he is compromising too much by having Christmas Eve- Boxing Day at my house. I had suggested we go away to somewhere neutral this year but the girls and he didn't want to apart from to centre parts which I just can't afford. His flat is not that big and the girls don't want Christmas there. We discussed it at length in September and he offered no potential alternatives, and still when asked has none to offer now.
He said 'it's not putting you out at all to have me at your house.Its me Doing all the compromising'. Because clearly its ideal to have someone who practically destroyed me in my house (my new house that I moved to to get away from memories of him and heal myself a bit) for three days and cook Christmas dinner for.It doesn't put me out at all. I am very angry and very upset. To the point that I don't think I'm going to be able to do it. but I have to because at this short notice I can't mess the girls about. sorry to hijack but it's actually made me feel a bit ill this week.

Nigel, The compromise is allowing him back into YOUR house. Frankly I think if you can't cancel, you tell him he can't sleep at your house.& suggest he comes just for Xmas Lunch, & it won't be happening again. Next Year he can get something organised if he doesn't like it.

Onit
I too think waiting till the baby is around would be good, hopefully LCB will be too busy to be difficult, but there WILL be questions about bf's pedigree, who he is, what he does, he will say "he needs to agree who his DC are spending time with" (I know, I know, the irony)
re picking up, if he calls to say he can't, you say, neither can I, he will have to find an alternative plan. & Yes, keep note

Oh nigel please think about yourself.
Your dc wouldn’t want you to be feeling as you are.
Can you feign illness?
Tell him you’re not fit to have visitors.
That he can take them on Boxing Day?

I’m angry on your behalf that you feel you need to martyr yourself (and worse that he expects you to do so cheerfully )

You are allowed to put your feelings first.
Here’s a big hug (((())))

If I said I was I'll be would just take them for the whole day.
A Boxing Day swap is out as it's DD's birthday. I just can't upset the girls by saying he can't come and they want him to sleep over. I can't bring myself to say to them that he can't because he's acted like an entitled bastard, and upset me too much. I can't give them that explanation but I can't think of another potential one. Nothing he wouldn't turn back on me and somehow make it my fault anyway. I just have to suck it up but I am so so upset and actually pretty angry. I've booked an extra counselling session next week as I'm genuinely worried about wether I'll cope with it or not .

Sorry to hijack your thread (again) onit.

Nigel,when someone has betrayed you it is not normal to have them to stay in your house,let alone at Christmas. Tell him it's off,let him call you selfish as any other name under the sun. Tell your children you are sorry but a parent not being there at Christmas is one of the hard things about divorce. He chose this. What you would be giving your children is a Christmas where you are bloody miserable to save his face. Stop it! No way on earth is this a good idea. If it is so necessary for you all to have Christmas lunch together let him book it and pay for everything. He left you. Family Christmas is one of the things he gave up. Sorry if it's harsh, but it doesn't sound like what you want, and if you don't want it don't accept it.

Nigel. I'm aware I sound as if I have shares in it ... but, have you looked at the Freedom Programme. It is so worth doing, even online.

I think you invented the freedom programme mrs p but you are right I should look at it.
Dd2 told me some of the stuff he had been saying about me last night. They had told him they weren't comfortable seeing his girlfriend yet. He replied that that was me and my opinion not theirs and that they shouldn't let me put them in an awkward situation. I never ever discuss him and her with them. She is never mentioned unless they mention her in the context of not wanting to see her especially. They are old enough to have worked out that she and he behaved badly without me having had to tell them and also wise enough to know that it's a difficult situation but I have been at pains to say to them that my unease doesn't need to be their unease about it if they are happy, then I am happy. So it feels unfair on so many levels that he has said that kind of stuff about me.
I saw him at their sports thing this morning. Being mr nice to everyone. It's quite hard to bear sometimes.
I will have a good think about Christmas and what we can do. It wouldn't be fair on the kids to disrupt them too much at this point. They wouldn't be happy and then neither would I. But I am going to have to do something to make it more manageable especially in the light of DD's revelations. He knows she is struggling with everything-but it's hardly any wonder she is, with him saying stuff like that about me. She's 10 for fucks sake...how is she meant to get her head around it.Im 37 and I can't get my bloody head around it.

nigel you can be ill enough not to have visitors but still ok enough for family.

LCB likes to parade around the school being mr nice too.
Fucking sickening but I’ve learned that the parents who speak to us both are not my friends.
I’m civil and polite but at least one of the mums has also backed off from me too so I think she’s picked her side.

Is your 10 year old your youngest?
I think you can explain enough about not wanring their dad in the house without laying it on thick. From what you say, they know he’s been a dick anyway.
By letting him in, you are saving his face. And destroying yourself in the process.

After advice from my counsellor and on here as well, when the conversation went that way after they asked about a bullying situation at school, I have told my 2 that ignoring bullies is the only way to remove their power. I told them they don’t have to be friends with people who hurt them and that applies when they’re adults too.
They know their dad hurt me. They see I don’t talk to him. They know he’s not allowed in my house. They will add it up.
As will your girls.
Big hugs nigel. Stay strong. You are a rockstar

He left you. Family Christmas is one of the things he gave up.
I think you need to talk to the girls, & change your Xmas plans,
Could you tell them that you moved to get a house just for you & them, & it does not make you happy having him in it.
You may have negotiate with him/them half the Xmas, but at least it won't be in your home.

They would be devastated.And they feel stuck in the middle as it is because for all that we've never argued in front of them they aren't stupid-they know there are issues there. I don't want them to feel worse when dd2 in particular is already struggling.

I think I'm just going to have to suck it up. It's two and a half days.
Not next year though. This is the last time. For everyone's sanity I think...

Your a better woman that I am.
I'm sorry the girls are still struggling, but providing them with a fake scenario, & damaging your mental health, is not really helping.
What are they supposing ? that next Xmas it will all be fixed ? What if they want a" family" Xmas every year?
You do not need to argue in front of them. He had the opportunity to organise an alternative, he failed.
It suits him doesn't it? You do all the work, (& finance the dinner ?) He gets his feet under the table, its all very cozy. Personally I would make him go home every night

You must tell him, that you are not happy with this arrangement & this will never happen again so you are not backed into a corner,

No-they have no thoughts of us getting back together. Very clear on that. Just that we will get on as well as possible and they won't have to choose between us. That's what they hate the thought of the most.

I'll be asking him for half the money for the dinner, rest assured. I might say to him he has to go home Christmas night but as he would be back here early doors Boxing Day for DD's birthday there probably is little point...

I think there's every point in telling him to go home Xmas night and return again the following day (at a time to suit you). It puts boundaries in place, it gives you some space from him, it reinforces that it's your home and not his.

YES, he doesn't get to slob around in pyjamas in your sitting room, brush his teeth in your bathroom. Go into girls bedrooms to say goodnight,
It makes ALL the difference, He gets the inconvenience of having to get a taxi if he has had a drink, or not drink,
He goes home to an empty flat with no Xmas spirit hopefully .
He can turn up at 10 am or whenever it suits you.
Please do this.

Sorry Onit ! hope you don't mind ?

I will give it sine serious thought... Thankyou all. And yes sorry onit-not my thread-I will cease and desist now :) x

Please don’t apologise nigel. This is not just my thread. When I come here to chat and offload it feels like sitting down in my mates house with a cuppa and a biscuit and that’s not just about me talking and you all listening. I’m not happy you’re having a shit time, but I’m happy you can share the shit around and hopefully feel a little better about it. Your ex is an even bigger knobend than mine I think and if I ever had the misfortune to meet him I’d love to rip his bollocks off and feed them to your ex best friend .
It’s shit that there’s more than me suffering through this type of situation but, I’m pleased we can be here for each other and feel less alone about the whole thing.
I wish you’d read back your post about Christmas as if I’d written it though, and answer it as though I’d said it.
You deserve to be, if not happy at Christmas, certainly not miserable, in your own space.
I only worry about your mental health and the message you’re sending both him (that he can still get what he wants from you, to your detriment, and that you should be grateful ), and your 2 dd’s that they should put their own feelings second in order to placate their dad (or any man) regardless of how they’ve been treated.

But, I agree if you’re going to have him there, you tell him to fuck off as soon as the girls go to bed and come back in the morning. And definitely make him pay at least half your food bill. More. Because I bet he eats what you give him while you struggle to eat anything.
Don’t offer him anything to drink other than water.
Please remember you aren’t making your dc make any choices. He did this.
And absolutely tell him not next year. Wtf, if he has the audacity to invade your home like this, next year he could be wanting to bring her too!!!

I’m truly sorry this is happening to you.
Looking back on my own situation, I mentioned the lack of closure at the separation agreement coming through. I realised that the biggest sense of closure I’ve had was the day he took the last of his shit from my old house. As he handed me his keys, I looked him dead in the eye (it might’ve been the last time I did that too) and I told him that, when I moved, he wasn’t allowed in my gate.
I shut the door behind him and felt such relied.
I wish you would do the same.
It won’t hurt your dc.
It will allow you some sanctuary from his continuing abuse. This won’t hurt your girls either. You’re showing them that setting boundaries is your right. As it is theirs.
I’m so sad for you nigel. Next Christmas you can come here and tell him to fuck off to his parents, or her parents or any one of the arseholes who are still friends with the fucker.
Massive, huge, enormous cuddles. Wish I could actually kneecap the bastard for you. But mostly I just want to hug you and feed you Christmas ham and gin .
You’ve been such a good friend to me through all this. All of you have. This is our thread. Not mine.

Beautifully said Onit x

Great post onit, from the heart.

It will allow you some sanctuary from his continuing abuse. This won’t hurt your girls either. You’re showing them that setting boundaries is your right. As it is theirs. well said Onit my Lovely.
This exactly.