Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

I’m sure he feels he lost last year.
His idea of a win this year is getting them on Christmas Day, which he didn’t last year as I wasn’t working.
But, as my work is what it is, I’m only ever guaranteed Christmas Day off. In the past the shops been closed on Boxing Day too but it looks like that’s not going to happen again anytime soon.

It upsets me ridiculously (and disproportionately) that he would suggest me not seeing my dc on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. He has a partner with him at those times. He actually thinks it’s acceptable to make me alone. I have no parents to go to.
I can’t stay with my sister.
I can’t be with the bf (Not that he’s aware of his existence yet)

It is the proof of his lack of empathy. But it upsets me that his gf, and potentially his Mum, also think this acceptable.

His mum is coming for train a couple of weeks. I will tell her how I feel about Christmas.
I will make her aware of my reality.
I wonder if she’d think his idea is fair then.

But I’m projecting.
He isn’t aware of my working pattern yet.

I might take the advice above and offer a Boxing Day morning pick up initially at least with the View I can negotiate back to Christmas night.
He might not be happy that he can’t drink on Christmas Day if he has an evening pick up OR an early morning one either.

I guess the fun will begin soon

It’s so hard :( and it ruin Christmas really either way).
Try the Boxing Day thing and negotiate back. At least you get them Christmas Eve and Christmas Day most of it I guess.

For my part it will be Christmas Eve to Boxing Day eve with my ex at my house again. Best for the girls. Bloody hard for me (and probably him to be fair as I’m sure he doesn’t want to be around me either). Feels harder mentally this year as it will be in my new house and I don’t feel that happy about him being in it at all (it’s where I went to get way from the people that have hurt me so it feels counterintuitive to invite one of them in).

Best of luck onit... I hope your ones selfish side will win out and he will want to drink with his witch on Christmas Day and leave you and the dc’s in peace!

I found an old diary when I was having a clear out today and it turns out the day he brought her to our house was our wedding anniversary.

I’m hoping I’ll stop finding stuff like this soon

And in other news, the minute of agreement has been signed by him, returned to my lawyer and he’s had his £40k cheque issued.

Ugh I know. You think you are doing well and something pops up to derail you.
As much as I hate him getting any money at all from you (the principle!) it’s a milestone of sorts....he doesn’t have ‘you own me money’ over you anymore...

onit....he can't hurt you any more, you don't care, you don't love him.
The small amount he can do of dicking about with DC you are now ready for.
Very soon the paperwork is done...
It's up to you to disconnect before his baby arrives to take several deep breaths, turn away & remember you are shot of that fucking bastard
Time goes so fast, (Yes believe me) suddenly your precious DC will be able to decide for themselves.
I believe that you should look ahead now & try to be as happy as possible. dwelling at the past is pointless can only hurt you.
Your best revenge is to be Happy

How are you Onit ? Whats happening this w/e ?

Hi mix
Not much happening atm.
Got confirmation from my lawyer regarding the minute of agreement so I guess I’m waiting for LCB to file for divorce.
Bf is coming up tonight while dc are away. I’m working all weekend but he stays over and has been doing wee jobs around the house while I’m at work.
Making tea for me coming home on Saturday night
I’m devastated about Christmas but I will suck it up because I just want the dc to have a fun time.
Xmas dinner is going to be as simple as I can get away with because it’s literally my only day with them.

later
Saw my friends today who’ve told me to be selfish and get the dc back on the Wednesday after Xmas if I’m not working.
I cried telling them that Christmas Day would be the one day I’d get.
I’ll ask the dc what they think too.
I’m not sure if I’m playing the martyr here so I will find my adult head before deciding.

So he brings them back on xmas eve , & collects again boxing day ?
Could you organise for him to leave them with GPs maybe & you collect as you come home ? Are they are local enough ?

Could you imagine changing your job? nothing sudden, but maybe you could find a job that suited better? with a pay rise ? (not that it will solve this Xmas)

Using gp’s would be wonderful but they live even further away unfortunately.
I don’t really have an option for using a third party.
Job wise, I’m not in a position to change job.
It’s entry level but I’ve previously been management level and, when the dc get older, I could return there I guess.
But the main thing is, I’ve been here so long I get lots of holidays.
It means my term time contract doesn’t really cost me much as I work eow even during the school holidays.
I also have a great pension.
I had planned to go to college last year when dd started school, to train in something I could do alongside my current job.
I’d still like to do that.
But until I’m secure in my position as a single parent I don’t feel confident I can take it on.
I guess I could look at it next year when the divorce is final and I see what happens with this baby situation.

All sounds like excuses.
But I have to reassess if the course I originally planned is still feasible. It might be I need to choose differently in order to provide better financially for my single income family.

Hope all you guys had a good weekend.
I’ll keep you posted on the next instalment as I’m sure there will be some developments soon.

How was your w/e with bf ?!

It was lovely thanks mix

But so hard now.
At first him living so far away was perfect.
No pressure. No chance of impromptu turning up at the door.
Now; I hate it. I miss him before he leaves. There were tears yesterday and another week to wait and would be 2 weeks but for a days holiday he has next Monday.
I’m dreading Christmas anyway because of not seeing my dc but it’s possible I won’t even have him if he gets the opportunity to spend more time with his.
But I’ll survive.

Try and think of Christmas as just a day...I know it’s bloody hard... But it really helps me to minimise it in my mind (if not outwardly to the kids)... I think I’ve just accepted it will be rubbish now until the girls are older-and even then they will have to split it between me and their dad and then their other inlaws eventually. So I’m
Trying to get used to the idea now.It’s one of the worst things about being a divided family I think.

The dc are so little still.
I worry if I downgrade it in my head, it’ll show.
I just want it to stay special for them at home.
He gets to offer them the big “family Christmas” that I can’t.
But we did different things last year (Christmas eve box with a Christmas movie, pjs, books etc) which is a nice new tradition. Moveable too.

Im anxious that because I’m working so much, I won’t havetime to make it as special.
Dd (who’s only 6) is already questioning Santa’s existence. Last year she wasn’t convinced about him delivering to 2 places over 2 nights. That’s not what she’d been told. She’s so sharp. She’s going to cut herself.

I’m so sorry nigel. I know it must be so much harder for you. Having to allow your ex into your home.
I can’t remember how old your dc are? Do they still believe?

I’m trying to empty the freezer of everything so I can get some easy cheats for Christmas in there.

We always have a ham (in coke; bloody amazing it is) and I’m thinking if I only do that I can just have it with mash, peas, carrots and sprouts (for me. I love them )
Some kind of ice cream for pud and that’s not a lot of work.

This week is ds’s birthday.
I’m so disorganised.
I’m waiting for nectar points to double but it’s cutting it so fine 😬
I can’t let him down.

Dd1 is 12 on Boxing Day, dd2 is 10. They don’t really Believe anymore but they pretend the do to me (and to themselves a little bit )
How do you do the ham in coke, I’m very interested in that!!

Onit is bite your hand off for that dinner of ham with all the trimmings.

In fact when I was in Scotland in the summer my brother made one for our family reunion at it was scoffed first.

Whatever you decide on for Christmas Day is going to be fabulous. Xxx

www.nigella.com/recipes/ham-in-coca-cola
For you nigel straight from Nigella.
It’s really easy. It’d need to be. I’m not a great cook but once you’ve made it, you’ll make it all the time if you want to impress without any hassle at all.

I’m going to make that ham!

It’s ds's birthday.
Just got them to bed and the bath is running for me.
I’m wrung out.
I was so stressed this week as I’d left getting his present really late waiting for the nectar double up.
I saved £40 on his Xbox but must’ve aged about 5 years worrying I’d not get one in time.
I did though

Had a little win this week and also a bit of a lightbulb moment.

The win is significant in that I had a run in with LCB which proves I can confront him on behalf of my dc without showing him any of my emotion.
This means he can’t feed off me.
I’m learning; finally

And, today, it dawned on me that the affair had been going on for much longer than 3 months.
I’m sure this is no revelation to many of you; nor will it be to any of my friends either but it hit me in the face like a shovel today.
Who leaves their 20 year relationship, 9 year marriage and 2 dc, or their 12 year marriage, for an affair of 3 months?
I was so smug. I “knew” when he walked in after they’d spent the night drinking after the rest of us had gone to bed.
I just knew when he walked in the bedroom that morning.
Well, maybe I did know but maybe I just knew he’d made his decision.
I’m not going to dwell on it as it’s actually irrelevant now but my curiosity would like to know exactly when it started.
The year before? Longer?
It’s possibly been as long as 5 years. Since dd was born.
He started drinking whisky then and hadn’t before. She drinks whisky.

Anyway, speculation aside, the other thing I’ve decided to do is write out the letter I composed to OW the week after he left.
I read it to my therapist last week and she suggested I write it out, read it aloud and then burn it.
Actually I didn’t read it to her, I let her read it (it’s on my phone) and she was keen that I delete it as I’m basically carrying it around all the time.
She had suggested too a few weeks ago that I write him a letter and burn it but I’m struggling with it as, although he'd never receive it, I find it terribly painful to access the feelings I have about him and his shiftiness,
Plus, I’m unsure what relief it will provide me, what peace.

Just wanted to update and wish you all a happy Friday

People say often it helps to burn the important letter......
I don't know it would work for me, but Why not try ? it certainly can't harm can write another !

I’ve burned a lot of letters in the last 18 months. Honestly it helped to write it all down-but further than that not really. Because ultimately I want to say all those things to the person involved and have them react how I want them to, which would be to show some guilt, some remorse, and to be destroyed as I have been. But that wouldn’t happen either so even if I had a face to face with them, it wouldn’t give me anymore closure either.
Apparently the trick to it is to make peace with the fact that they won’t give a shit what you say and work out that they and what they they think are irrelevant to your life. This the best revenge is to live your life well, regardless of them.
That’s the received wisdom on it I think. Fucking hard to do though.

I've heard the letter writing and burn it advice too. It's worth a try, it can't do any harm. I can't see that it would massively help either, although I guess some people must find it helpful or it wouldn't be suggested so often.

How are you Onit ?

I’m pretty good mix thank you. I hope you’re well too.

It’s been fairly quiet from LCB.
I did receive a big bill from my lawyer which I hadn’t been expecting which sucks.
But ds’s birthday has knocked me all out.

I need to sort xmas out for us. Find out if my dsis is coming here and if they do, what dinner will look like.

The bfs coming for he weekend tomorrow. I’m working but he'll potter around (hopefully fixing stuff) while I’m out.

I’m awaiting the next correspondence about the divorce too.
But tbh, if it is going to cost me anything, I’m not going to bother. I have better things to spend money on than that twat.

I haven’t forgotten about you all lm just living in the moment I guess.