Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

I’ll be signing the agreement as soon as it comes back signed from his solicitor.
The only sticking point is likely to be his wanting to formalise contact. Specifically his insistence that the holidays should be 50/50.
We’ve had more than a year of the current term time schedule. Holidays have been more fluid but I’ve tried to keep to the basis of the term time routine.
He’s had long weekends (an extra night and day on his weekend), the occasional overnight when he’d have them for tea anyway. He had whatever week he asked for in the summer holidays. I’ve been flexible about his family occasions.

My lawyer has told me the chance of him getting much more than he has, is probably not worth the cost of fighting it out in court.
And that his lawyer should’ve told him that too.

I’ll wait for the return letter.
I have no doubt he’ll take me to court. His ego will demand it.

Glad to hear you are close to finally signing agreement. It must feel a long time coming but also a relief to have it done and be able to move on.

Has your solicitor said what happens if he does take you to court over contact. Will it cost you too? Could he use that against you, thinking you will not want to pay for your own legal costs in court and so you will agree to his demands? I don't know how it works so would be interested to find out.

I’m not sure what would happen with costs tbh, ontobiggerandbetterthings.

I think I would potentially have to represent myself as I couldn’t afford it.

My lawyer hasn’t said what would happen. He only said that LCB would be very lucky to get more than he already has and therefore his lawyer should have advised him of that too.

But, he doesn’t know LCB like I do.
As I said, it’s the ego.
However, the baby might be a pull in the other direction. Babies are expensive. Big family homes in cities are expensive.

Lots of people have been trying to reassure me he won’t go to court.
But these are the same people who thought they knew him. Or who think he’s just a cheating twat.
I know exactly who he is and I have very little doubt that he will go to court because it’s what he should do because he’s a wonderful father who just wants to be with his children. And he has to continue the illusion that he’s Mr Nice Guy™.

And obviously I’m a bitter, twisted ex wife using my dc as a weapon to punish him.

It sounds a scary prospect. Let's hope your solicitor is right and that his solicitor will talk him out of going to court.

It's so sad that we have to overthink things when it's comes to our STBXHs and what they may do. It adds so much stress and anxiety to our lives which I think many people do not understand unless they have been in the same situation. I totally understand your concerns and why you feel he is trying to make out you are in the wrong here. It's something my STBXH does too. It is soul destroying.

I feel slightly better this morning about things.
I’ve been in a wee funk the last week or so. I think LCB moving house, change of routine with the holidays, missing bf etc had been taking its toll.
I’m dragging myself through it better this time though. It’s not as bad as any of the last low points, which is helpful in itself to see progress.

I have also become aware that he’s been advised that the court process for custody is lengthy and very expensive. But, most importantly, the current situation is likely to be seen by the courts as best for the dc.
I slept better last night than I had in weeks.
I know this is what everyone has been telling me for months but now I know he’s being told the same.
I guess he’ll have the discussion with his lawyer.
But I still worry that his ego is bigger than his wallet.

I had an email from my lawyer today.
I’ve been and signed the agreement so the next step will be divorcing the asshat

YAY, cause for massive celebration !!!!
Does that mean he will no longer attempt to move the goal posts ?????

& isn't it him divorcing ? after all I assume Mr High & Mighty isn't going to want to have a wife, whilst having a baby with OW ?
let him pay for it.

Ah great news onit...it is progress.... you are coming around when he lands a blow much quicker nowadays...it’s excellent to see... bloody proud of you...

Just checked in on your thread, onit. Sounds like things are progressing nicely.

How you doing onit?

Hi nigel and all.
It’s my birthday today
I’m ok.
Haven’t had any communication in over a week (texts about drop offs etc notwithstanding).
I signed the separation agreement what? 10 days ago and haven’t heard anything. Odd considering he’s so keen to get on with it. But I’m expecting another body blow in the threat of court. But, having seen his own lawyers advice, I’m not overly concerned. At least I’m trying not to be.
I am concerned that Christmas will be a sticking point and I’ll have to concede lots of time to him as I don’t get my term time during December. Though they finish quite late so hopefully it’ll be minimal if I can arrange friends to mind them too.

Life is so busy at the moment. The dc are back at school but have things on everyday and it’s a busy time of year for us with birthdays and Christmas fast approaching. Money is much tighter now the mortgage has to be paid. And time is tighter as I spend every evening on the phone to the bf.
That’s hard. I miss him. He misses me.
He stayed over last weekend and, when we woke in the night for s cuddle, he said he could marry a girl like me .
I put him right and said I wasn’t planning on marrying anyone again. I love him and I miss him like crazy most of the time but I’m not being someone’s wife ever again. And not someone’s 3rd wife .

I’m off to the gym shortly as I have myself a fright on Monday when I weighed myself.
I’ll be having cake with the dc later so I need to work for it.

If there are any updates I’ll be back to share and probably ask for help. Again.

Happy birthday lovely Onit

happy birthday Onit! x

Happy birthday dear Onit x

Been an odd day.
Got very emotional this afternoon when I arrived home to find a lady I barely know had hand delivered a card and left a present for me too.
After the dc went to bed I lost it completely and was sobbing and crying about my mum who’s been gone for 6 years.
I might be hormonal but I feel very drained tonight.
Been a lonely day and, though I like my own company, I wish I’d had a face to face conversation with someone other than my dc or the lady in M&S I had to return something to.

Birthdays are word at our sort of age anyway onit... I find anything that marks time like her a bit of a reminder of where I thought I’d be by now vs where I actually am and I sometimes find it hard to be positive about it.(even though on balance everything is ok and in some ways better than before).When there is no one to make a fuss of you it’s even worse.
I wish I had known in advance-I would have made a huge fuss of you!

You’re sweet nigel thank you.
I agree with all you said. Everything.
Not that my mum would’ve made a fuss but just being here would help.
Still feeling low today but gotta do to work. Need to get my face in.
Thanks for acknowledging how it feels. It helps

Oh sorry Onit, I missed the day. Lonely birthdays are sad & tend to make me look back & wallow.
Life moves on & forward looking is the only way to go.
I had a significant thing happen re my past & parents (deceased) last week... Big fat tears fell. But I know that there is no turning back time,
I suppose you just learn to live with it... & slowly slowly the aching recedes.

I hope you're picking up a bit today onit.

I am feeling a little better today, thank you Agatha.
Got my dc this weekend and we have a party tomorrow night.
No other plans for the weekend so hopefully quiet chill out time in the house.
Our next weekend is ds’s birthday so that’ll be busy.
Hope you all have a good weekend

Happy belated birthday. You are doing better than I can express. Keep going. Your children are so lucky to have you as their mummy.

And the Christmas email has arrived

But the thing is, because I work in retail and my term time doesn’t apply in December (no holidays allowed over this period either), the dc finish at lunchtime on Friday 22nd and from then until the following Thursday at 6pm, I will only see them for about 4-5hrs on last day of school, Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day till bedtime.
He wants to split their Christmas Day in half but , as it’s not my idea of fun to be travelling all over the country halfway through Christmas Day, never mind it’s my only day off, I won’t be agreeing to that.

I’m not working the Wednesday but I hate the idea of the dc being hokey-cokey, yoyo’d with a day here and a day there and a day back again, I’m still deciding if I should just suck up not seeing them that day.
It’s truly awful. And it feels like a massive win for him.
I guarantee he’ll still moan about Christmas Day though.
His suggestion is having them all the weekend before which is his and bringing them home at 1pm in Christmas Day
No fucking way!!!
He’s totally delusional.
Twat

Crap isn’t it. But whatever he “wins” this year, which he will feel is entirely reasonable, can become the precedent for your turn next year

Oh this is so hard.
Is he having them for all the holiday then ?
in that case you get Xmas eve & Xmas day, he can collect on Boxing day morning.
He won't be working, he can do the driving.

Is there any family/friend who could come to your house & watch them in the day & you see them in the evening for any of this time ?