Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

Not much happening but wanted to update a little.
I spoke to my lawyer yesterday and the minute of agreement is done and ready to be signed.
I can’t note anywhere that he committed adultery without it going to court where it would have to be proved. Obviously this would be much more costly so it’s not an option.
I guess I have plenty of evidence anyway.
I’m not sure why I want it documented. I want my dc to know it wasn’t my fault, I guess. When they’re old enough to know.

They spent most of the weekend at their grandparents because LCB was busy moving houses.

Things are moving on with bf too.
I’m now thinking about how to begin introducing him.
I want to wait till the divorce comes through but I think ds is getting suspicious of something. He reads my phone over my shoulder.

Any tips on how to begin talking about him. I’ve already broached the subject of mummy maybe meeting someone one day.
They seemed ok, if a little grossed out by the thought of me kissing someone

Just be honest with them-say you’ve met someone you like in a boyfriend sort of way and that you think he’s really nice and if they are happy to they can meet him and if not they don’t have to...job done...they will be fine. It’s the only time LCB’s precedent if introducing ow so early will work in your favour-they are used to the situation with him which normalises it for them regarding you.

I agree with nigels. Just be matter of fact about it and I'm sure they'll be fine. I'm glad things are working out well for you with him. An added bonus of course is that LCB is going to be so pissed off when he finds out. Especially if he realises you've been seeing bf for a while and he didn't know. Not that that matters, but it's nice anyway.

The kids will understand the reason for your divorce in their own time. I can understand that having the reason in black and white is important, but the dc will probably never see the paperwork anyway. They'll know the reasons from what you and LCB say to them, and from their own working out with regard to timing of meeting ow etc.

We’re out with my friend and her ds today.
She’s told me they were visiting one of their family on Saturday who lives a few doors up from me. Her ds saw my bf walking from my door and asked her who the man was.
She thought fast and said he was a delivery guy maybe.
But it’s made it more urgent I tell the kids. Because they might find out from elsewhere.
One of the neighbours dc at school or whatever.
OMG I am terrified now but will follow the advice to keep it matter of fact.
I had hoped to wait till the agreement was signed but nothing goes according to plan, does it?
Will speak to bf tonight and see if he’s ok with me telling them about him though I’m sure he will be.

Onit did you not know your friend had a relative living close by?

And to be honest I wouldn’t rush to tell the kids now because there has been a risk from the start that they found out via a neighbours child/ someone at school and it didn’t bother you too much then so don’t let it bother you now. Take a step back from it and give yourself from breathing space so that when you do tell them it’s on your terms.

I think I’m saying don’t have a knee jerk reaction to what you were told today.

It won't make any difference to your agreement, will it? Other than that, it probably is best to tell them before they hear from anyone else. Hope it goes well.

I was already thinking it was nearly time anyway.
Discussing with my friend today and we agree it would be best if I could introduce them in person pretty soon after explaining he exists. However, I only see him when they’re at their dads so it’s not going to be easy.

Do you actually have to introduce them? Wouldn't it be easier on them if you mention that you have a new friend but are taking things slowly and they will meet him when you are absolutely sure that the time is right, because their happiness is what comes first and you don't want them to meet someone who might not be around forever. Then they can get used to the idea of him,you can tell them what he's like and they will know that this new relationship won't change their lives the way LCB's new relationship has.

Kids being kids they might think it'll mean him moving in, moving house and another new baby thrown in. My son reacted with panic when he heard about exs latest baby, thinking I would have one too.

I was already thinking it was nearly time anyway.

Nearly time isn't the same as telling them now because you've been panicked into it.

AgathaF mentions your agreement and that was also my concern. Its always been my concern.

Life is pretty hard as it is right now Onit. Why would you want to complicate it for yourself even more by giving LCB a reason to have a go at you? Does that mean you cant have a life? No, it means nothing of the sort. It just means that wait until you can cope with him and his antics till you are in a better place than you are now.

CaringDenise has also brought up a very important point? Why do this to the kids when they're having to cope with so much already?

Way back you were very cross with me for questioning the wisdom of taking your BF to your house. My point always was - what if someone sees him? You were adamant it wouldn't happen and no one would find out. Yet it turns out your friend has a relative living a few doors away from you. Wasn't there always a chance you were going to be seen?

In all honestly I wouldn't be telling the kids anything right now. And when I did tell them I would only tell them I had a new friend. Do they have to meet him? No, not for a very long time to come. And even then I would only do it if I was going to be with the person permanently and we were close to becoming a blended family. They need protected from any more having to make sense of things and not managing to because they really are only little. Whats going on with LCB is enough for them right now.

You're always going to have to be the one to think of them first. Its just the nature of the beast.

However, I only see him when they’re at their dads so it’s not going to be easy - perhaps the three of you meeting him somewhere child friendly (park, McDs, etc) when they get back from LCBs and he's been at yours already would work? I was going to suggest meeting before they went to their dad's, but I guess it would be better if they were with you after in case they have questions or want to talk.

I agree wait until the paperwork is done if possible. you know LCB will make a scene.
It could be anyone coming to your house surely? someone posting flyers, or fixing your washing machine, or doing a roof quote, or just a cousin or simply a passing "friend".....don't panic

I too would wait. Whilst it is none of his business, LCB is bound to kick off/use it to unsettle the DC. And I know its not fair as the situation you find yourselves in is all down to him.

But, given his moving, the new baby etc your DC have enough on your plate. Your DS may be asking/looking simple because of general anxiety about more changing. You are allowed men to be in/visit the house, and if he asks then answer appropriately.

For the sake of such a brief period of time I'd hold back. And tbh I think I'd be inclined to hold back until after the New Year. Let the DC have as settled a Christmas this time as they can this year, not to mention yourself.

You can continue enjoying your relationship with your boyfriend in the meantime, and decide how to introduce him at a point of your choosing, and when you are in a better place. Suspect this will be better for all of you.

I’m going to leave it as was my original instinct.
If the dc ask about a man in my house, I can say I had a friend round to fix some things in the house. Which is true.
I really don’t want to reveal anything before things are signed.
Not that I’m sure what LCB can do with the information.
I have to stop anticipating.

I do feel immense pressure to get it right for my dc when I can see how badly LCB has handled this but, I can’t pretend my own life is unchanging. Not now. I can only try to handle my changes in a way which causes them the least trauma. And get my timing right.

I wouldn't say anything until every signed by LCB, because you know once he finds out about your friend he is really going to ramp he his controlling attempts on you.

Not that I’m sure what LCB can do with the information

I think our concern is you. We don't want you to be on the receiving end of him. You've been against the ropes recently and by being mindful for a while longer you'll be in a better position to deal with his spite once he founds out you have a friend.

Of course there's also the possibility that he totally blanks the fact you have a friend by way of showing you complete and utter contempt. It will be a case of thats how much Im not interested in what you do. Of course people will ask you what he said and what better for him for you to have to say - he said nothing. Im not sure Ive explained that well though. But I think he will question or have digs at you for your recent spirit and say ah so thats why you were determined to do x y or z - it wasn't about the welfare of the children it was all about your love life. You have no right to say anything about me.

You can also probably expect him to be more difficult in the future should he not chose to totally ignore you have a friend.

I honestly think you need to give yourself a break from him given how ugly he is without even trying. There's also the children. They'll probably have to put up with him asking about you and sly digs etc. He'll use this to make himself look good. He'll do whatever he can to discredit you. They've had enough to cope with. They dont need to know about your friend even a few months down the line from now.

There's time enough for everything Onit and when I think of this situation I think of my dad and him saying - dont trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.

If you're happy to leave it then that's what you should do. I wouldn't worry about the dc though, I'm sure they'll be fine with it when you do decide to tell them.

I agree with you Incie.
I think I just need to suck up the disconnected feeling. It is what it is.

Talking to my friend yesterday, we were going through options.
If I was to tell the dc about bf, I’m not even sure how I would be able to introduce them.
He lives so far away. Works all week. And only sees me when my dc are with their dad.
So, for the moment, I will swallow the feeling that I’m hiding something from the dc. It’s still unlikely they will find out. If a neighbour mentions a man to them, and they ask, I can explain he’s just a handyman doing a few jobs.
Bf and I aren’t going out in public. It’s all quite insular anyway. My friends haven’t met him and I haven’t met any of his people either. Not for any other reason that our time is so short together.

I do kiss him goodbye at my gate when he leaves so I will stop that. It’s at 8am on a Sunday morning. I’m not sure any of my neighbours are awake to see it but I won’t do it again just in case.
It was definitely easier when I was going to visit him.

I think LCB will be gutted, I really do, & I think he will want to know who BF is, what he does, his pedigree. because he will be spending time with your DC. he will be livid & start lording about.
I would have so much pleasure if I could be a fly on the wall, in fact if you allow it, I will fly over come & hide in a cupboard just to hear you say,
"Frankly LCB, I don't give a damn" :o)

To hell with being a fly on the wall. For the first time in my life I wouldn't mind being an elephant in the corner of the room.

Where's Nigel?

I agree mix - he will be sooo pissed off. I think that he thinks he has moved on and you haven't. You are still his possession, hence the controlling behaviour (although I realise that is his ingrained personality). I'll bet it hasn't even occurred to him that you might meet someone else.

I can understand your reasons for wanting to wait to talk to your dc about your bf. I don't know when your agreement is signed off, but if it is fairly soon then it makes sense to wait. However, you are allowed to move on in your life. Your dc will adjust to this and, I'm sure, take it in their strides. Particularly if it doesn't particularly impact on their day to day lives. So I hope that you just wait to tell them for as long as it suits you to wait, not because of any fear over LCB's reaction. He has dictated the way you live your life for far too long already. If you are concerned that your agreement may change because of your bf, then your lawyer should be able to either advise or set your mind at rest.

I will swallow the feeling that I’m hiding something from the dc

Onit, we're allowed to have a life, thoughts, feelings, that our children aren't party to regardless of their age.

When I was first setting off on my holidays my children were all laughing with me and during our laugh they said to me - mum, if a nice man asks you for dinner or for a drink you're allowed to say yes. They then followed it up with one of those big winks. I got the drift. But that was all that was said and to this day not one of them has ever asked if I did have dinner or a drink with someone. I haven't if truth be told because Im just not interested but just because they encouraged me and told me it was ok (I'd only ever been out with my husband so they knew I was clueless) it didn't mean to say I had to tell them if I had met someone on my travels. Im allowed my secrets whatever they are and so are you. We all are. Our children don't have to be party to every part of our life.

Dont feel bad that your children don't know. Especially when there is nothing really to tell them. And to be honest I think the fact there really isn't anything to tell them will make it more difficult for them to understand it.

btw, your DS should not really be reading your emails/texts. It will come to no good

Here I am...
Tbh any attempt to change your agreement because he has found out you are seeing someone would be ill advised on his part...he’s got some room in that department hasn’t he? He really couldn’t in all serious say anything at all about it.
Kiddo’s will be fine with it I’m sure though onit....and LCB can stick it up his jumper whenever you decide to tell him. It’s zero to do with him now...

Hi Nigel, its nice to see you