Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

Your attempt to portray me in a negative light is noted - oh I like that. Yes, broken record style answer.

He's really not going to want to do all that travelling, nor sitting being a McDad every week. In time, if that is what happens, your dc won't want that either and will probably start declining to see him.

He would abhor the McDad label.
I know he hates the Disney dad one.
Poor soul being forced by his harpie ex wife into being a cliché.
Twat.

I'm so using the portraying in a negative light thing!

You are so strong dealing with this, just keep holding your line

Haven't read the full thread onit but just wanted to say you are doing amazing.
I'm full of admiration for you.
Why did he decide to move and how far is he going ?
I love phrases like
Your life choices will neither affect my life or my children's.

Sock it to him onit. Fight like a boss 😀

Hi Dowser
I’ve no idea why he chose to move away from the dc.
OW’s pregnant (not sure if you’re that caught up) so obviously the 1 bed flat she was in (that he was sharing 99% of the time) wasn’t big enough.
I mean it wasn’t big enough for my dc anyway. They stayed a few times I think and slept on the living room floor.
I’m guessing OW doesn’t want to live in the suburbs. But he could (should?) have suggested (insisted?) on living on this side of the city. They are almost as far away as it’s possible to get as he will essentially have to drive in the opposite direction from here to get onto a motorway to come back. Otherwise it’s driving through a terribly congested city centre.

But apparently it’s my fault he will have to drive the dc through 90 minutes of rush hour traffic every week to give them dinner then another 30-45 minutes to bring them home.
I’m such a bitch.

I really truely would love to see inside his head for an hour or 2 in order to understand how it works. It’s baffling .

So I had to contact him last night as ds was upset that today was going to be his last afterschool club (because of his dads house move).

I sent a brief message saying ds was upset and disappointed that he’d miss his club, and could he see any way of allowing him to still go. I offered the option of me picking them up, giving them tea and taking ds to his club.

I got a relatively quick response saying he wasn’t aware I could pick them up on Mondays and he’d be prepared to do this till Christmas when the club finishes.

However I then had the onslaught of “to make up for this time...” including an actual timetable showing ds, dd, him and me and our activities after school

I sent a reply this morning asking if he will tell ds about Mondays or will I? And added that there was no point in causing further upset by altering any more of their routine.

I’m expecting a negative response retracting his agreement to allow ds to go to his club because he will lose time/I will gain time and that’s not fair.
At a session a few months ago my counsellor described him as a baby. He wants what he wants and that’s like a 2 year old.
I find picturing him in a nappy, dummy in, quite amusing and helps to calm me and, as I imagine him reading this I can actually see this big, hairy baby spitting his dummy out and flailing around having a tantrum.
It’s very therapeutic .

However, I will be so angry if he reneges as this is for ds. Not him or me.
The side effects are in my favour but at the end of the day, it’s all for ds.
The fact they’ll spend less time with their manipulative father is an added bonus.

I've nothing to add onit, just sorry you've to put up with this shit. The baby image is a good one!

Exactly, he is enabling his son to go to the club that he wants to go to, its not about the time either you or he spend with him.
In reality you have offered to do a favour for XH, either he accepts it for the good of his son, or he doesn't.

Wait, what? So his child
Is upset because due to him he can no longer attend his club. You've offered to do something to make sure he can still attend his club and he has then said he wants time back?
Just...no. For fucks sake... I'm all of appeasing people to keep and easy life and for the sake of the kids, (god knows I do it enough myself sometimes) but this is a step too far. He really needs to pull his head out of his arse.
This has really annoyed me on your and the kids behalf.
Not fair? For fucks sake! Nothing about what he has done or how he has behaved is fair is it?

Onit, Im not surprised by what he did at all. Did you really expect anything else?

Everything is all about him and anything you do with regards to making things easier on the children is seen as a weakness and a chance for him to exploit a situation. He has no heart. Not even when it looks as if he does. Its a veneer. Its a learned behaviour that deep down inside he doesn't actually feel. He just knows how to mimic it.

The sad thing is that the children are going to be affected by what has happened and I think the best thing you can do for all of you is to stop trying to make every thing right. I know how hard it can be with children when they are crying and wanting to do things but you are only human and it really is ok to not be able to facilitate everything.

Your answer to LCB was fabulous by the way and I just know you're going to turn this around so your wee boy looks forward to coming home from school and he doesnt miss his club. Hot chocolate every Monday with mum and tea on the couch in front of the TV?

My grandchildren used to do clubs after school and it got to the stage my daughter didn't know her arse from her elbow pick up wise so this term she told them they could do one afternoon activity each and to be honest I think they're all glad they're off the club merry go round. I think parents can let the children go to clubs because they think they're depriving them if they don't, its like playdates and sleepovers, but the truth is that they're not really necessary in the grand scheme of things and children aren't deprived if they don't go to them.

Oh and by the way I used your line today in a letter and I was laughing when I was typing it and thinking about the women here who are also trying to work it into a conversation.

Well he will come back on this, & say "I am missing out on my allotted time",
So you will have to say, "If you can't or won't facilitate it. you take responsibility for letting DS down. Your call.
This is going to come around over & over, with sleepovers/parties on "his" w/e. You cannot keep chopping & changing;

After counselling today I have received a reply. Amazingly he has responded to say that he will tell ds.
Though he obviously couldn’t resist saying that the initial change to their routine was my idea .
Eh, no! The change was brought about by your house move you self righteous fuckwit!

My counsellor has suggested a bit of ego stroking again because it will ultimately get me what I want in a way which makes him think it was all his idea.
So he’s asked to pick them up from school on his weekends which I’d basically ignored. But our current arrangement actually is that, if the dc don’t have play dates with their friends from outside school, he can pick them up anyway. It rarely happens (maybe 3 or 4 times this year) because these are our closest friends and half day from school on a Friday is the ideal opportunity which we all take advantage of because it’s important to all of us. The dc think of each other as cousins and call the mums auntie etc.
He did mention that it would mean play dates would be limited to every other Friday which I won’t agree to.
However, I’m ready to reply with a thanks for allowing ds to go to his club. I’m sure he’ll be delighted.
I’m also going to say that the dc would be very upset if they missed out on seeing their friends so, providing he allows the play dates to continue, I will let him know when they don’t have plans and he can pick them up.
This is essentially what already happens.l

Onit, I got confused. Your son will get to go to his club? I didn't realise that . Im really Sorry.

How does the club on a Monday tie up with thi?

But apparently it’s my fault he will have to drive the dc through 90 minutes of rush hour traffic every week to give them dinner then another 30-45 minutes to bring them home

Will your children then go to his house after the Club? And the Club is not an after school activety held in the school? Its outside of school?

I really should not have had so much wine last night.

Why does your counsellor want you to continue to stoke his ego, surely this keeps you attached to him as you are thinking more about his feelings rather then your DC and your.

I would have thought strong boundaries are the key here so both you and he know where you stand.
Amazingly he has responded to say that he will tell ds.
Though he obviously couldn’t resist saying that the initial change to their routine was my idea I hope you told DS the truth that it is because daddy has moved.

Since he’s agreed to ds going to the club, it means he’s agreeing to not seeing them on Mondays from now until Christmas. (At which point the baby will be a month away).
I had originally said nothing would change about contact arrangements due to his house move, hence him bitching about driving through rush hour etc.

But, when ds got upset about his club, I felt I had to step in and offer an alternative which would allow him to go. And have the added bonus of removing them from this psychopath for a few more hours a week.
This could only be by me taking over pick up on Mondays.
Which surprisingly LCB agreed to. He obviously didn’t want to do the driving rather than him caring that the dc would’ve been subjected to it.
He’s attempting to negotiate seeing the dc elsewhere in the week and I guess this is where I’m stroking his ego. Trying to make him think he’s winning a small fight, while still maintaining the status quo.

The reason my counsellor is suggesting it is because the constant nastiness is affecting me terribly (insomnia, low mood, etc) and, if I’m less confrontational, I can still achieve what I want in less damaging ways.

She sees it as a way to make him think he’s winning and therefore taking his attention from me and my dc.

Ds was a little upset at home last night. LCB had told him he’d get to go to his club but he’d obviously miss out on seeing daddy.
Ds wants to do both.
I gave him lots of cuddles and said daddy still loved him but it wasn’t possible to do both because daddy had moved away.
He was upset about missing daddy but he didn’t ever say he wanted to give up his club. He wants to do both.

I had anticipated LCB suggesting alternate weeks but I think it’s telling that he didn’t. He doesn’t want to do the driving. It’s as simple as that.

Ds is the child most affected by changes to routine. He has a lot of change coming but all I can do is try to minimise it.

The added bonus, is that neither of them have this contact on club day ?

also just to note, that when you facilitate club/party/sleepover you are not clocking up points.

LCB had told him he’d get to go to his club but he’d obviously miss out on seeing daddy - he just couldn't resist it, could he? Knob!

Thanks for the update onit
I didn't have little ones but boy was I relieved when ex moved to Dubai as I did have grandkids and it made their birthday get together s so much easier

He really is an utter prick.

Ds has changed his mind.
Spoke to me yesterday and I said he should speak to his dad about what to do.
That I’d be there to get him to his club if he wanted but if he wanted to spend that time with daddy then he should let him know.

Now, it’s annoying that I had to initiate contact over this. If I’d paid attention and realised that the next couple of weeks were school holidays, I might’ve left it before broaching it, but I think I’ve still made progress with this.

I’m pretty sure LCB’s worst case scenario in all this though was having to do this rush hour driving back and forth, back and forth. I’d anticipate he’ll be in his car for around 2-3 hours on Monday afternoons/evenings.
He used to have his sport practice on Mondays. Not sure that’ll work now either.

Probably why, despite ds talking to him yesterday, I’ve not had any correspondence about it.
I’m guessing after ds telling him he wants to see him after all, he’s feeling like he’s won and waiting for me to contact him.
I will let him think I’m the loser to keep his ego happy but, I think when the sense of victory wears off, that’s when he’ll remember the driving. Every week, Here and back, here and back. I’ll make a prediction that, when holidays are booked in future, he’ll choose to miss Mondays.

It's a shame in some ways that ds has changed his mind. I wonder if though, with this as an example, it would be better in future for the dc to liaise directly with their LCB if they wish to miss a contact visit, or change arrangements to suit them (sleepovers, playing with friends etc). It would stop LCB using changes as a power game to try to get one over on you, and remove you from some of the anxiety that these situations create.

I absolutely would do that Agatha but they’re still just a little young.
Plus I think he’d use it as an opportunity to manipulate them.
Ds said the other night (before he saw LCB and changed his mind) that he didn’t want to talk to his dad about going to his club.
I took that to mean he didn’t want to tell him he’d rather do that than see him.

I just remember the incident where ds called him to tell him he was sad when LCB missed a contact day to go on holiday.
LCB asked “you know I love you, right?”
And ds said “yes daddy” and the fucking manipulative arsewipe responded by asking “do you love me?”

If they’re left to make decisions with only LCB’s influence, I honestly think they’d end up doing nothing but spending time with him and potentially missing out on opportunities because they don’t want to upset him.

Then again, maybe I should just suck that up as, over time I guess, they’ll get better st that.
If I continue to fight their battles, I’m holding them back.

This is so hard! I can’t imagine how hard it must be for little people to understand

I can see your point onit, and of course you don't want to put them in a position of being manipulated by him. I guess in a year or two things will change from that point of view as they get older, or maybe before when the new baby arrives and LCB has less time on his hands to interfere with your life.