Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

He sounds an absolute tool. Just think - the OW has this all to come in the near future, because he will be the same with her as he is with you. Karma is warming her engines

Im going to disagree with this for the simple fact that his mind wont work the same way this time round. These particular people are not the kind of people who you can say of that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Him and this woman are onside together even if its the kind of onside that means she's going along with him against Onit. She'll be feeling a camaraderie with him. That they really are Romeo and Juliet and they're in it together. This isn't going to end when he gets fed up of her. This is going to end when she matures emotionally, see's him for what he is, realises what she's caught up in and realises that Onit was an innocent party all along.

From the outset Ive been convinced that changes were taking place in Onit that he could sense and he knew he wasn't dealing with someone who was as pliable anymore. Or it perhaps could be that he wasn't getting a feel good factor about himself from himself so he looked to someone even weaker that Onit to prey on. Either way, in the OW he found another victim.

He'll stay with the OW as long as it suits him and it could be for a long time because this time round he'll be better at keeping her on board.

Not only are you better than him at this, you're better than him at everything plus you have tonnes of posters cheering you on and giving support.

She'll be feeling a camaraderie with him. That they really are Romeo and Juliet and they're in it together - she might be feeling that, but I'd like to bet that he will shortly be feeling somewhat trapped. If he isn't already.

I dont think he will be Agatha because I genuinely believe he's pulling the strings at home.

I think he would have happily carried on the new childless life. I do not think he planned to procreate again & rewind to step 1. with sleepless nights, & an Older OW, who prefers getting drunk who will probably be handing him the proverbial baby.
They are living further away, he will be spending a lot more time in the car & ferrying between 1st DCs & new DC.
Plus all that puffed up school governors meetings & school meetings...
Plus do his job. Plus pay maintenance.
Is OW going to go back to work? will she still have her salary? Will he also get involved in child care drop offs, & later, even more clubs & partys?
I roar with mirth, his life is going to be awful.
Karma is indeed a wonderful thing.

Hyacinth I agree with you.
I had started to lose weight and get fit.
I was starting to stretch my wings or at least talk about it.
I’d seen dd starting school as the beginning of a new chapter in our lives.
I thought it’d see me and him getting more time together, the dc being more independent, my chance to contribute but also to do something for me.
I think he saw that as me being selfish.
He’d gone back to a sport he’d loved a few years before. And was playing 3-4 times a week.
I’d been vegetating because of illness and having 2 small dc.
I’m sure he didn’t find me attractive anymore. Probably not for a long time. I’d stopped feeling good about him too so I’m not blameless.
But I still loved him. I don’t understand that now. It scares me that I minimised so much. I was so naive. He fucking raped me! And I’m still minimising because I say that and my brain adds “but it was only once”.

He’s in the driving seat again but I’m sure she’s capable of being nasty in her own right.

A truly vile specimen he is! I'm so sorry you have to put up with this nonsense.

Hyacinth yes, I think you could be right.

I’ve had 2 responses, though one of those is regarding the October break.

He told me yesterday he was going on holiday yet I got an email at 11am this morning.

My reply will simply state they i illness mnîguI will not agree to mhid proposed changes

My reply will simply state they i illness mnîguI will not agree to mhid proposed changes

I didnt know you were a Gaelic speaker Onit.

I was literally falling asleep when I posted that

I was literally falling asleep when I posted that

I sent my reply.
If he responds with any suggestion he might not comply with our current arrangements (ie dropping them off later than agreed), I will let him know that my lawyer has advised me to call the police in the first instance. Even if I know he will bring them home eventually.

And the response has arrived urging me to reconsider.
As I’m not looking at it from the dcs perspective. I’ve refused all his suggestions to maintain the status quo.

He will have to drive them to and from his house for 2 hours of his contact time or take them to a cafe for hours.
Apparently by not accepting one of his many choices, I’m subjecting the dc to this. It’s my choice.

I’m such a bad mother because I wont lie down and sacrifice myself at the alter of his selfishness.
I’m actually gobsmacked that he thinks I owe him anything!

I want to try to explain the basics of making a decision based on possible outcomes. It speaks volumes that he made this decision and presumed he’d be able to dictate to me.
This man earns £50k and can’t make a simple pro/con list!
He studied physics. I didn’t. But I know day one, lesson one is cause and effect.

But I’m learning too. I won’t reply. Because I can’t teach him. He’s proved incapable of extrapolating even simple probable results.

I do wonder how he spins this to his friends and family. And if they can see his entitlement. Do they just not see it, or not know how to tell him he’s being a dick.
He watches the Last Leg. I feel like emailing Adam Hills. Maybe he can explain it to the fucking asshat!

Looking forward to a weekend with the dc .
Hope you all have nice weekend plans too.

Next week - parents evening

I'm struggling to understand...so he is choosing to move further away,asking you to later your routine so that his contact isn't affected by that choice, and then sayings it's your fault that it will be, because you won't change what you are doing to reflect his move?

And he can't understand why you won't?
Is he on glue?

is he on glue?

Maybe I should ask him that

You make me smile nigel

What a prize twat. A thick prize twat.

It speaks volumes that he made this decision and presumed he’d be able to dictate to me

And thats what its always been about.

I'd love to meet him in the flesh... just to see him in action really and wonder at his bizarre world view. And tell him a thing or too obvs...

"Reconsider".........Surely He should have reconsidered moving further away from his DC was going to make mid week visits misery.
He expects you to alter your work hours to fit in with his travelling.
What possible benefit is there for you?. even facilitating his visits with his children is not beneficial because he is not a good influence, & uses them to bolster his ego.

Could you reply asking him to reconsider his house move given The detrimental effect it will have on the children's contact with him?

Surely it should have been primordial on his list of criteria for deciding his new address. after all, there are 100s of thousands of houses on the market. It was his choice
if I move to X it will take me X to see kids.
I know he expects you just to adapt to his demands, but this has got me very cross.
Bitch OW must be frothing at the mouth over this.

I be inclined to E mail him back stating,

You have thought about 'reconsidering' his demands suggestions.

But due to him having an affair and leaving you and the dc that YOU are in no position to change as his choices have meant that YOU can not afford to reconsider as YOU are living in the only place YOU can afford to give the DC a stable home and for THEIR life continue with THEIR friends and school.

And tell him stop demanding that YOU change, make changes to YOUR life to help, when all of these choices he has made and he has to find a way to continue with what he agreed to do for the DC. And that he has now been told on more then one occasion that can not and will not disrupt your DC lives any more, and any further E mails on this subject will not be replied to.

I found something online that might become my stock answer.

Your attempt to portray me in a negative light is noted.

It has a nice ring to it.

I’m not going to ask him to reconsider his move because I’m actually glad he’s moving away.
It’s very selfish of me.
My dc will be negatively affected by this change.
I don’t want them having McDonald’s for dinner every week.
Or sitting in a car in rush hour traffic every week for hours, unable to play or do their homework.
But I also want him as far away from me and the dc as possible. And this move does that.
It distances him physically.

If she has a birth like either of mine (days of labour and emcs).
If he tries to take over like he did with me (which is my prediction).
If she has issues with feeding like I did with mine.
If the baby sleeps badly like mine did.
If she suffers PND like I did.
It’s going to get very difficult for him.
Something will have to give and I hope it’s us.
I hope this ends with his only contact being a monthly maintenance payment and a card at xmas.
My dc need parenting and he’s inept at best and totally irresponsible at worst.
I worry so much when they’re in his care.