Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

On it, juts ignore him because all he wants is interaction. This is one of those instances where its less said the better.

Silence is golden. but if you want to go for the jugular:
"Yes we share, I do my share, you do yours.
Let me repeat one last time, your change of situation, & geography is not my concern"

All this psycho babble shite buzz talk - parenting together.

Its a bullies charter.

Shared parenting = you doing what he tells you, just as it used to be. Ignore, he's getting desperate and baiting you.

Onit I hope the OW kicks up an almighty stink about having your DC around, as I fear he may try to get more time with your DC in order to reduce maintenance. This might be a long term game plan he has. So don't give an inch ever. Keep reiterating that stability and routine are in their best interest. Always.

YY Mix56. His move, his problem.

I don’t think ow has a problem (yet) with the dc being around. She’s helping him draft these emails. In fact I’m sure she’s mostly writing them.

According to her, because I expect him to deal with the consequences of his move, it’s the same as me complaining that my budget is tight. It’s unreasonable of me to expect him to continue to financially support me because its not his fault I choose not to earn enough money.

I’ve only ever asked for extras for the dc. And those extras are things he agreed to pay for like uniforms and activities.
I don’t expect him to support me. I expect him to support our dc.
She thinks I’m a moneygrabber!?!
I think she’s projecting.
Thinking about when her baby comes and the fact she won’t have full access to all his salary.

I’m not furnishing him with a reply.
He can whistle for it.
Nothing changes.
He tries to bring the dc home late, I’ll call the police.
He tries to drop them early, I won’t be home.

My friends suggested I sit down with him to get it over with but I won’t. Because it’s what he wants. Fuck him. He gets nothing from me.
I’m better at this than him.

Brilliant posts from mix and ballyhoo

Onit, the change in you is magnificent to see. You are no longer a quivering victim, you are a lioness.

KOKO

She's a treat isn't she that one?
Good girl onit-keep going...

He is crazy isn't he-the level of entitlement in his fully expecting you to alter your life in any way because he has chosen to move house to shack up with the woman he cheated on you with....it's breathtaking...

Fuck him. He gets nothing from me. I’m better at this than him - yessss!!!! With bells on.

Just wanted to pop in and say " Go Onit!", I haven't commented much but I am still following and checking in most days! You're phenomenal. Keep on your path! X

Hmm, that's what I'm expecting - she is resentful of the maintenance payments and she's going to encourage he has them more. So I really hope she finds it awfully hard having them around.

Having looked at it in more detail it really is total resentment on his part that he hasn’t forced me back into full time work.
With the intention of forcing me to give him the dc more because of his highly paid, flexible career versus my minimum wage, strictly rostered job.

And she’s doing a fabulous job as his flying monkey.

Interesting...we are having a few issues with dd at the minute and she really needs one if us around a bit more. H agrees with that but obvs it won't be him as you know, busy and important...but when I said I would take the hit for a year and cut my hours to be with her , he was hugely negative and said things like 'not everyone can do that' etc etc... it's only just clicked with me now that he resents the idea of me not having to thresh myself at work-presumably in his head I'm living the life of Riley and working part time whilst living off the maintenance he provides...never mind that I will have about 50 quid after all bills are paid and am effectively stalling my career-because our daughter needs a parent around more after school...

I've been trying to work out what it was and you might just have solved it for me-Thankyou onit!

Well I'm going to say to you what I'm going to have to do myself-you do what's right for you and the kids...and in your case that isn't acquiescing to his demands because in his head (her head) he's still providing for you...it's a warped way of looking at it from
Them and doesn't take into account that he is has a responsibility towards his existing kids as well as the one on the way.

When I was pregnant with ds, LCB actually said he resented the fact I could take maternity leave.
When I needed to give up my managers role after dd (mixture of childcare and my illness causing problems) he agreed because he earned more and had more earning potential. But he threw that in my face as me lacking a work ethic when we split.
I took him out for dinner for our anniversary 6 weeks before we split. I’d not long started an (agreed months before) unpaid break from work to get through the summer before dd started school, and he actually cried in the restaurant because he said he resented me having the luxury of doing that.
Like I was going to besponging off him while meeting my friends for lunch and cuddling dd all day

I’m sure that’s what he pictures me doing now. Like the pittance he pays for his dc (not me) even begins to cover what they cost.
And he tells me it’s well over what the law seems necessary. Like that’s something he should be proud of. Or thanked for.
Well have a big fucking gold star you fucking arsewipe
You’re dad of the year

Cried? Jesus god onit...I'm crying but for a different reason 😂. I've said it before but my god, you have had a lucky escape here...

haha, that made me snort nigel !
They do seem to feel that they get to wipe the slate clean & start again, & need to no longer concern themselves over how much it costs to feed, care & cloth their own DC. Very convenient

And now he's all set to do it all again - maternity leave, childcare, providing (barely) for another child. I'm guessing the resentment from him will kick in much quicker the second time around.

What an arse!

Or park well away from entrance where there are less cars and find a space that you can drive into and drive out of.

Sorry wrong thread!

That’s my thought too Agatha. And ow won’t be able to complain when he starts arguing over paying for her dc’s uniforms because she’s been contributing to his attempts to manipulate and control me.
See how she likes the thought of his new gf calling her what she calls me.

Well at least you're onto them. Make sure you get every single penny you can.

I'm trying to think of ways to beat LCB at his own game, so you can be prepared for when he starts, especially if he tries the court route. Things that would make a judge be in favour of you continuing to be RP.

You could do parenting courses/go to parenting talks, that kind of stuff.

Sign the DC up for things local to you that they love.

Continue to build a strong post break-up relationship with PIL. Come across at all times as super-reasonable and pleasant to them.

I don't think maintenance is affected by how much you have, it's how much he has. I wonder is the quick pregnancy a way of reducing the legal amount? What an utter prick he is.

He sounds an absolute tool. Just think - the OW has this all to come in the near future, because he will be the same with her as he is with you. Karma is warming her engines.

Onit, I think you're dealing with all this very well, and am rooting for you all the way.

He cried? The poor lamb.

It's both I think... in England anyway-they take into account your income vs his income and settle around that and what the discrepancy is and why you got in that relative position-ie you supported him to advance his career by staying home with the kids at the detriment of your own-gets taken into consideration I think.
I dont think he'll have the guts to do the court route though because to anyone observing proceedings as a neutral he would appear to be exactly what he is-a self centered, entitled knobhead who left his wife for more fun and freedom (in his mind) and who has now ended up in a worse position with another kid on the way and an increasingly nagging and shrill new girlfriend to boot. and we all know appearances are important to this twunt, so...

Not exactly the life he thought he was leaving for, is it? What a shame for him .