Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

what is this business with the coats?
As they wear them after school they count as mufti, therefore he doesn't have to pay half?
They guy earns 4 times your salary, & he is whining about £20 of coat ?

OK, fine, He can buy them mufti coats & keep them at his house, as the coats you buy are staying at your house.. musical coats as they get into his car
Tosser

My mortgage cheque arrived in the post today.
Why do I want to cry?

Because it feels like another nail in The coffin on the marriage. My decree nici came through a few weeks ago. It knocked me for 6...

Hugs onit xx

Thanks nigel

He's replied saying he's disappointed I don't feel I can attend mediation.

That he has a few ideas of how to manage things in the days he has them after school but that mediation would be more productive, less time consuming and confrontational.

I wanted to say that it might be all those things for you but it's not that way for me.

But instead I repeated that I would reassess after the separation agreement was done.

I wanted to say it would be less time consuming if he just answered a direct question. But instead I asked the same question again with a bit more directness for him to avoid.
What are the issues his house move will have on the dc and their current activities, and what is he going to do to manage that?

He asked for extra time over the October break. I offered him what has become the usual arrangement, but he's requested even more because that day clashes with his moving day.
He obviously can't have them then (they'll go to their gp's) so, in order for them to settle in their new home, he wants 2 other days/nights together.
I want to say tough shit.
He will have time on both his normal afternoons to show them the house. It doesn't follow that he gets more overnights just because he's moving.

I honestly don't know what's reasonable.
I can't see straight.

just say ,
No, I am obliged to work, you can't expect me to change my hours repeatedly. either you want them on the allocated days or you don't. I have to provide for my children. so stop fucking me about

No words of comfort for you Onit because some things are just absolute shite and crying is all there is to do.

So a hug for you, and one for you as well Nigel. Im sorry you're both hurting.

I was away for a week and came home a few days ago to be told my husband had visited our severely disabled son for the first time in 16 months. It absolutely floored me despite knowing he's a psychopath because of the level of contempt it showed. To deliberately visit when he knew I wasnt there. It also showed he has no thought whatsoever for our sons well being and he's nothing more than a weapon to use agains me. How the duck can you just turn up to see a lad 16 months later! Thankfully though our son was having his afternoon sleep and isn't aware his father was here.

A few weeks ago he came to the house to drop something off instead of getting someone to collect it from him and he sat outside in the car instead of coming in. It was also really hurtful.

So thats two episodes of contempt in a couple of weeks and whilst I know it says there's something going on his life and Im being punished for it, this time round I don't get any comfort from knowing it. I feel like crying as well.

One of his old friends, a sensible man who no longer bothers with him is my neighbour and well aware of what's what. He said to me - I saw him and I was actually hoping your lad would have punched him right in the face. That he'd give him the kind of black eye you had recently.

I wouldn't actually wish for that because it would show my son was in emotional turmoil but I wish to god someone would punch his lights out.

Also, who was it who said watch out for him offering to pay? Because guess what he did hmm

It was me. I just knew he would. We are both married to psychopaths.

I just saw your latest post

He's replied saying he's disappointed I don't feel I can attend mediation

Would you gain anything from it? I only ask because I was surprised when you said to him you would see if you could afford it. I thought you'd already made up your mind you were done with it.

I honestly don't know what's reasonable
I can't see straight

I think the way forward is to stop the piper playing the tune. Do what is best for you and the children. Dont over think it. I think when we overthink things we end up second guessing ourselves and getting all in a muddle that end up with not the best deciton being made. Trust your instincts.

He asked for extra time over the October break. I offered him what has become the usual arrangement, but he's requested even more because that day clashes with his moving day. Well he should have arranged to move on one of the days he doesn't have his children then shouldn't he.

I would be inclined to tell his the dc will be available his next contact time.

@Clutterbugsmum said! That should be your reply!

And when u do reply, also make sure to mention that you have already looked after the kids on one of his days so he could go on hols.

Tell him rather than bothering u constantly because he can't seem to organise his life properly and look after his kids of his prearranged dates, maybe he ought to go see a shrink and try to sort himself out before he brings another child into this mix!

If he can't cope now, what will it be when he does have a new baby? If u r going to have to look after the kids more, he's going to need to give u more maintenance.

I want to say tough shit - so say just that. You have no need to bend over backwards to accommodate his inability to organise his life around his children's needs (or what he perceives their needs to be).

Please just say no to the extra days - he'd say it to you, and with a lecture to boot. And you've given your answer to the mediation question, so no need to further engage with him about it. Ignore it now.

You can't see straight because he's getting back into your head, manipulating and trying to control.

You have an agreement. Barring emergencies stick to it. In any case it's better for the DC to have stability, and a fixed routine. He is at it now, pushing you to respond one last time, and again and so it goes .....

In some ways he is doing it precisely because you have made such progress, and he's reeling you back in. All this correspondence over coats, change of days etc. I note he hasn't responded to your question.

Let it go, respond reasserting current arrangements, ignore all his other stuff and then ignore. And mean it. He is making you doubt yourself again. You have, and are doing wonderfully. So are your DC.

Worth trying WA again, but look again at books recommended before. KOKO.

It's so hard onit. You are programmed to keep the peace by doing what he wants...you are still nervous of upsetting him and find yourself doing things you don't want to avoid upsetting him-and then get angry with yourself for doing so....and feel
Guilty When you don't acquiesce .it's familiar to me because I do it myself. It should be easy to stop but it doesnt seem to be.
A long conversation with my h today about can I swap some days because he is going away (with work), can he have the one weekend before as he is away (with her I assume) and me the one after...not convenient to me for many reasons but I found myself feeling I had to justify it all rather than just say no. (and even then I said yes to some of it). It disrupted my day having to think about it, I'm still bloody thinking about it now... and I don't know why because logically it should be a quick thought process 'do I want to accommodate him? Can I do so without inconvenience to me or the kids?' Say yes or say no, done.

I don't have the answers but I do get how you feel...

Aaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!!!
I'm still fucking awake

I'm sorry. I feel like I'm just barely treading water. But I also feel that if he pulls me under and I sink a little, I can push off the bottom and jump out. I'm stronger than he thinks.
I just need to believe I'm stronger than him. That I can do this.
I feel like, if I can get through this, it will make all the difference in my confidence.

He really has lost by choosing to move away. He can never argue that was putting the dc first. Or his desire to see them more and be a proper parent.
If he'd had to move for work or if his parents were sick (god forbid), he could argue he had no alternative. But he hasn't.

His latest email is summarised below.

His move means a discussion is necessary. As is being flexible about his days in future, so the dc don't miss out on clubs.
He mentioned the possibility of the dc taking up a sport seriously in future and the need for both of us to be involved in that.

But we don't need to think about that now, just his current after school days.

One after school he wants to take them to their activity then bring them home earlier for tea.

He's proposed an overnight as one option for the other night. On a school night.
Or dropping dc later. At bedtime. This would be ok as he's giving up time with them on the other day.
Or I collect them from his place. As I'm in the city anyway that day.

I've written my reply. I will send it in the morning then I will ignore any follow up.
He is in my head at the moment MrsP, but, naive as it might be, this time it feels like this is the last battle.
He's not breaking me. I won't let him.
I will ignore his bleating when he responds. I was ill today so had nothing else to occupy myself. I'm too busy now to give him any thought at all.

Why does his decision require discussion. He's made a choice and it doesn't affect me.
I've said although I've helped him with the odd occasion he hasn't made his contact due to work commitments, its absurd to assume I'd facilitate that on an ongoing basis as I have to work. And my job isn't flexible.

I've said I can take the dc back earlier on the one night but he'd need to up the maintenance to reflect the extra cost involved for me, including the loss of potential pay as I won't be available to work. I've suggested an amount.

I've said no to the later drop off on the other night. And no to fetching the dc from him either. I didn't glorify his sleepover suggestion with a proper response. Just said it's a school night.

I agreed planning for the long term was difficult.

And told him about ds signing up for a thing at school on yet another evening.

And that's it.
There's not much room for him to comeback. But he will.
I bet he'll be disappointed again. Or astounded or whatever

FUCKING WASTE OF OXYGEN.
SELFISH, ARROGANT, ENTITLED KNOBEND!!!!

He mentioned the possibility of the dc taking up a sport seriously in future and the need for both of us to be involved in that.

This ^ is what stuck out at me. He really is paving the way ahead to do what he likes under any guise. But by the same token its obvious that you have him so rattled with your refusal to lie down and have your tummy rubbed that you've even got him thinking years down the line in order to try and keep control.

I think I would just say - any talk of future hobbies is presumptuous and nothing to do with the here and now.

As for being flexible so the children dont miss out on clubs? I think its more like being flexible so he can do what he wants.

And I did think he was going to mention a mid week sleepover which is very clever of him because its means that in order to avoid it he thinks you'd pretty much agree to anything else.

Why does his decision require discussion? I think the answer to that is obvious Onit. You're not being a good girl and doing as you're told and he's just can't give up trying to make you. How dare you thwart him

I've said I can take the dc back earlier on the one night but he'd need to up the maintenance to reflect the extra cost involved for me, including the loss of potential pay as I won't be available to work. I've suggested an amount

Oh to be a fly on the wall

His move means a discussion is necessary. No it doesn't. His choice to move away from where his children live then HE changes how HE continues to meet HIS obligation to your DC not YOU finding a way for it to work.

You need to spell it out to him loud and clear that all the decisions he has made to live his life now is down to him. And the only thing you have to do is to make sure the children are available at the agreed times, and you have done and will continue to do so.

I really think you need to stick to the contact agreement to the letter for the next few months so he really gets that you will not be dictated to. And that it is important that he see the children at the agreed times for their relationship, and the children stability.

I think if he had chosen another day to move it would not have been an issue
I think if he had not chosen a place further away to move to, the mid week contact would not have been an issue
I think that every time there has a party on his time it will become an issue
I think that he basically decides what is best for him, then expects you to fall into step with his needs
I think that when there is a baby in the mix that it will get considerably worse, as OW will discover having a baby (& 2 young DC several times a week, or w/e) is going to be just very hard ! & she will expect him to be there & not driving X hours to pick up/drop off/school meeting/sports club.
In theory you both need to be adaptable, but I am betting when you ask for changes for work/holiday/sickness he will refuse.
So this is what your reply should say.
Continual changes in DCs routine are detrimental to their stability & counter any settled routine for myself.
I am not able to change my work hours each time you decide its more convenient for you.
If your situation changes it is your choice & does NOT need to impact on my or my children's life.
There is nothing to discuss, particularly if the changes & concessions only benefit you.
You have made your bed, you can lie in it.

If it wasn't this, he would find something else. You have been to mediation. You have an agreement. Simply repeat. All the rest is noise. Otherwise he will be back. And Back. And back.

You said you know he'll be back. So cut him off. All of the issues he has raised are his , you don't have to offer any explanations for your decisions. Scary but true. Ping them back at him, then ignore. He won't like it. He won't change. He won't suddenly become the father you want him to be. He won't suddenly value you. He is not worth your anger

I so appreciate all your thoughts and the strength you all have from experiencing this type of relationship strengthens me. I am seeing him as he is and, finally, I think I'm starting to respond to him in an appropriate way. Though it doesn't come naturally.
My instinct is to facilitate him. As it is to facilitate everyone. I'm a people pleaser and have spent a lifetime putting myself at the back of the queue. I haven't liberated myself from him yet.
When I can sleep with an unanswered email in my inbox, that. That is my aim. I want to be able to box him away and only think about him when it's convenient for me.

But my reply has been sent.

I'll have a response by the time I finish work today, I'm sure, but I have friends and their dc coming tomorrow afternoon and bf coming to stay over for the weekend. I have a ridiculous amount to do this afternoon before the dc get home, so I will be strict with myself.

Why does his decision require discussion - oh, because he just loves his discussions, doesn't he? Loves the sound of his own pontificating. Needs the control of knowing that he's dropped something on you again. Can't abide the thought of not having you under his control.

Great answers to his last email. Broken record answers from you have to be the way to go. He just doesn't get that it's all been agreed. He's never had to compromise or work around you or the children before. He's in for a bit of a shock.

I really hope you don't get time to look at whatever he send back until well into next week at the earliest. Have a great weekend.

Can't abide the thought of not having you under his control

Yep, he really is getting quite desperate now hence his need to be thinking a few years down the line when the children might take up a sport. You can just imagine him sitting there all riled up.

....thinking about who will prospectively take dd to jujitsu in 2024...

but he is worried.
He is wondering how he will drive from X, see kids & return to Y, then drive back to Z. to needy OW
he has already had to consider that it is going to be incredibly difficult to see his DC at the current level.
NOT YOUR PROBLEM. If it doesn't fit into his new timetable, well he forfeits, & pays you more.
as they say, He cannot have his cake & eat it too? He moved, he got OW pregnant.... Now live with those choices.

I've had a response.
Needless to say it starts with a deflection from my observation that any issues which have arisen from his house move do not affect me.
Apparently they should and do because we share parenting.

I'm at work now but will try to update later.

Let him waffle and blame. It's all he knows how to do. You don't need to validate it with an answer though.

Hope your weekend's been good.