Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

Onit, that is very good, what about:

"Your demand for mediation involves money & time I cannot afford
We have made an arrangement.
Any future alterations in your circumstances is not of my concern"

Hope counselling went well, and I suspect it will have helped you find a way of dealing with his latest attempts to manipulate.

Al of this is designed to get him back where he wants, right at the forefront of your thoughts. Where he imagines he should be. And to a certain extent he is succeeding, at the moment.

The best thing you can do (and I know it's hard) is to completely disengage. You need to find a way to not respond to him at all outwith the necessary arrangements re the kids.

His changed circumstances, his new house, his new baby, his new travel arrangements, and so on. Nothing to do with you, and not your problem to solve. If he has to make new arrangements, including financial ones it is up to him to do so in writing/email/via a lawyer. You can respond if needed. No mediation required. You are on your own with DC, and so he is too (OW notwithstanding).

It's hard to let go, to push him out your head. He's been there so long and you are used to the dynamic of jumping/appeasing him. But it can be done, and it will be so much better for you and DC when you get there.

Say what mix said. Very good and to the point.

Just on my way to work but wanted to update that the bank phoned yesterday.
They'll be issuing my cheque on Thursday.

Who wants to come to the casino with me on Friday night?

Congratulations. Great news

that's great onit.
Hand him back his money, one less thing he can use to contact you, & try to manipulate you with
You should say, child contact is in place, child maintenance is in place, from now on he gets school to inform him directly of any important things
& your paths need to cross more or less never, & he has no need to bore you with his constant neediness.
He has a new family he can go off & make the best of it. as far away from you as possible.
There may be the odd occasion like when you tell him school uniform/back to school preparation is his next year. holidays. but basically one email a month is surely enough

Wise words from MsP and Mix

Onwards and upwards, Onit. He's made his bed. Let him lie in it.

Good news. Tell
Him to go ask cash his Cheque and Fuck off whilst
He's doing it

On another forum I once visited people would say - tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck off and when he gets there tell him to fuck off some more.

We've had yet another back and forth regarding me asking for money for winter coats and boots for school.

Apparently because they wear them outside of school, they're not classed as uniform so I should pay.

I have replied saying they don't change out of polos and pinafores immediately after school either so that is an irrelevant argument.

I have also suggested that if every item being bought will require negotiations that perhaps we should agree an annual budget for school things and he can either pay it in a lump sum, biannually or add it to his maintenance payment.

Fuck this for a game of soldiers! Why does he want to keep me communicating with him? Does he honestly think I'll ever be his friend?
Is it a control thing? Is he regretting his decisions?
These are rhetorical questions. I don't actually think he's capable of regret or remorse. I think my need to understand him comes from a need to protect my dc.
If I didn't have them I'd just call him a cunt to his face, knee him in the bollocks and move on.

It is absolutely a control thing. And it's working atm, as you are responding which is what he wants. Your suggestion re adding it as a lump sum is a good one btw. The less contact you have with him the better. Your recent posts have had more about him again. That's what he wants. You thinking/engaging about and with him. School clothes. Christmas presents. out of school activities, letters from school, there will always be something for him to needle you with. You can break the dynamic, you can learn to really not give a fuck, you don't need to understand him. You will get there.

Sounding like a broken record but Freedom Programme/Living with the Dominator/WA. I know you think it's not for you but at least have a look.

Onit you have him sussed. It's all about him trying to take back control.

One thing I'll say though - I think it can be very normal for people to query what maintenance covers as new requirements come along. Things you don't think about when it's all being sorted out initially. I still find the odd thing crops up 4 years later.

Are the boots and coats part of the uniform and would they only be worn to school?

Sorry - to be honest if the boots and shoes will double up and be used out of school maybe it would be acceptable to pay half each.

MrsP I actually emailed WA a week or so ago.
They never replied.
I also see how much interaction I'm having with him recently has ramped up.
It's getting very close to settlement and, therefore, his filing for divorce.

FiveBoys in principle I agree. And I'm happy to pay half. But I bought these things last year and was too worn out to bother asking him to contribute so this year I guess I'm making a point.
I also admit I'm having a bit of a wobble over my finances as I'll pretty soon be a few hundred pounds a month worse off.

He tells me he's living off credit cards till the separation agreement is signed. His lack of empathy is fully apparent in this sentence.
Wtf does he think I'm living on?!?
And, when the papers are signed and he gets a massive cheque from me, I'll be a lot poorer than I am now.
The very fact he's arguing the toss about a hundred quid or so when he earns what he does and I'm getting the majority of my income from benefits just angers me and saddens me in equal measure.

My dd asked him a few days ago what happened to make him leave me. After telling her we fell out of love with each other she asked why. He said we'd had lots of arguments . I couldn't help but tell her that wasn't true. That we'd never argued. She said maybe I didn't remember but I said when something shocking happens to you, you remember everything. And I didn't remember any arguments.

I wasn't judgemental. I just said it matter of factly. But, how dare he tell her barefaced lies! I guess he's digging his grave. But my poor dc. To have that LCB for a father

Onit, I understand about the clothes and your reasons for doing it last year. I'm sorry it's now biting you on the bum.

I know we keep on telling you that he's lost control but I also know it can mean nothing in the grand scheme of things because it's just so bloody awful. Right now though when I'm thinking of him I see a man running on the spot in a hamsters wheel and getting nowhere fast. And the worse he treats you the faster he's having to run in order to keep up.

As for what he said to the wee one. To be honest I would just say daddy can say what he likes in order to make himself not look bad and because I love you I don't want to full your head with anymore nonsense. One day you'll be older and that's when you'll understand. But for now I'd rather think of Halloween and Santa Claus.

My husband actually said to my adult sons, you're men now and the truth is I didn't get sex. I was mortified and so angry I could have screamed. The truth of the situation was in fact the opposite so I said to my sons there's a box of home movies upstairs in my room that would paint a different picture and when I die you can take them back to your dad for me.

I hated my husband that day because he'd said that to our sons but I also hated him because he'd become a bloody cliche. He didn't have an original thought in his head and neither does yours.

LCB would probably say that to my dc too Five. About the lack of sex. Your ex is a manipulative arsehole.
I guess the difference between them and us is crystallised in this.
I would never tell my dc what their father did to me in bed which is a lot worse than me saying no. I can't imagine what that must've felt like for you Or your sons, who I'm sure, never wanted to think of you in that way.

Thank you for the suggestion of what to say to dd. I generally just say I don't know and they need to ask him.
This was the first time I've had a "report back". I'm not sure why I was shocked that he lied. But it threw me.
I suppose I expected him to be vague rather than blatantly lying.

That's such an awful
Thing to say to kids of any age five...
I'd say it's the lack of ability to know what is What is being said to my kids by my ex and his gf that I find the most stressful of all.
The girls tell me some of it but probably not all...and what I've been told isn't great...dd2 is pretty screwed up right now...I just want to shake him sometimes.... they bank on us not standing up for ourselves by telling the truth as they know we won't put the kids in a position of having to choose between each parents version... fuckers.

That's how I feel about it all nigel
LCB knows I won't badmouth him, but I've had no such reassurance. The fact that the ow thinks I'm a cunt would suggest he's not being complimentary about me to her.

Well he wouldn't be-because then they'd both have to acknowledge that they screwed over a lovely person and the fact they they are both shits.

I've just sent a one sentence reply to his chasing email about mediation, repeating that I can't commit to further mediation until I can reassess my finances.

It does mean I will be subject to whatever sob story he has about moving away and the "practical impact" he needs to discuss with me.

I had originally written a slightly longer reply but it was preempting his issues. My counsellor said I was rescuing him by offering solutions.
I'll see what the response is.

It doesn't really matter what his response is. Your position will remain the same, so that is what you need to keep repeating (if, in fact, you want to respond at all. You don't need to since you've given your answer). So, repeat the sentence you have already given, word for word, for as long as you wish to reply to him for.

Yes, he has your answer. And there is no point anticipating what he might suggest/do in future. You can deal with that if and when. That's the dynamic you have to break, anticipating, appeasing or sorting his problems/life. I know from my own experience that it can be really hard to do. I found that doing/saying nothing actually made me feel worse in the short term. I was so used to the way things had always been that I felt better, and more in control if I engaged/offered suggestions/solutions. But in fact things only really started to change when I disengaged from it all.

I spent much of my phone call with bf last night being told the same thing.

He says I'm too accommodating.
When LCB can't do one of his scheduled days next month, he asked if I can do it. Didn't give a reason but did say his dad could do it if I couldn't.
I don't want his dad to be put out (hours drive each way) and I can get back in time from counselling, so I said I'd do it.

I know!!! Bf was amazed that I didn't ask why he couldn't stick to our arrangements. What was more important than seeing the dc. I admitted I found it hard to question him as that seemed unreasonable. I know I'd hate LCB to ask me what I was doing. It's none of his business. But bf said, if he needs you to cover for him, it puts you out, costs you money (as I'll need to feed them) then it IS my business.
As it is, although I didn't ask, I know he's going on holiday with ow. Obviously that is more important than seeing the dc.

I will not cover for him again. But if he asks I will question him.

Bf told me he wouldn't ever ask me to do something I didn't want to do. That he respects me in a way LCB doesn't and probably never has. And that's why he expects so much from me and offers nothing but grief in return.

I have looked again at my reply and I have shortened it to a broken record type reply. Which will be the third reply of the type.

Also, who was it who said watch out for him offering to pay? Because guess what he did

I've declined his offer to pay. Said thank you but it's inappropriate.

I've asked what impact his house move will have on the dc.

And that's it.

Broken record type reply is good (if you need to reply).

If he responds to your question about how the house move will impact the kids, remember that it is for him to sort out and manage this, not you.

I'm glad your bf is being supportive through this.