Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

I really think that LCB should be communicating with the school directly himself. It's not your job to be forever having to forward on messages. If he wants to keep up to date with what his dc are doing at school etc then he needs to sort that out for himself, and not be harrassing you over it.

He's doing this to keep you on your toes and dancing to his tune again. I really hope you decline to engage with him over it.

or, when you read the notes/correspondence book, whatever, just deal with it as you always have, then put it in DC's bag when he has them, he can take the time to sift through & amuse himself reading them. Tosser

I still think Onit asking the school to forward things to him then forwarding him her email to the school is one way to put his gas at a peep re this situation. Its her drawing a line under it and saying - Im doing no more.

Onit I was thinking of you today and how you said you searched for receipts. This is what I use. I have a purple one for receipts that are maintenance related and another one for receipts that go through our office - medical bills, tickets, a new washing machine for e.g. I also have the organised mum book but I think it's too bonny to use so it sits on my bedside table. Previously everything lived in a big Tupperware box and if empty my bag every day. I have to because I'm not one of those put together ladies who stand at the till and fold money and receipts up all nicely before the leave the till. I kind of just take what's being given to me and stuff it in my bag. Then I'm surprised when I'm on my way to the ATM for more money and I find paper notes in my bag wrapped up in receipts.

The organised mum one -

boxcleverpress.com/budget-book-375.html

Thanks FiveBoys! For advice and cheerleading
I really like that budget book. But I think the purse is much more likely to be used. I'll see if I can find something like that. In fact I saw something in the charity shop up the road from my counsellors office and I'm seeing her tomorrow. I'll go back and look. I especially like being able to segregate the dcs expenses from household (my?) stuff.

I have an app on my phone called spending which is great (when I use it). I religiously did for 4 months from February to analyse my spending to check I could afford a mortgage. So I know I can do it if I want.
It's not pretty like that book though.

The school stuff is ridiculous tbh. He told me in this email that he'd emailed the school last year. I said great! You get the info. It's all good. But obviously he's missed some things. Or he's realising how much having a baby and living so far away will probably mean he's not in the playground twice a week soon. To talk to the one or 2 parents who speak to him because they're on the parent association with him.
He said no, over communication was best.
So I replied that I'd do what I'd been doing then and telling him the relevant information. Though he wasn't to expect to hear from me immediately as I was too busy to deal with non urgent stuff on a daily basis.
Funnily enough he hasn't replied.

I have however had a request to return to mediation.
Not least because the baby coming will require him to give up his flat to buy a family home and it will necessitate a change in the current arrangements.
He wants me to see the value in resuming mediation as a way to build trust and improve communication

Twat

Just delurking to say I wish I could think of a polite, mature way of saying "You can't build trust and improve communication with an abusive manipulative shit, so fuck off". Cos that's what I would say to him.
As it is, just ignore the twat as best you can.

You're doing great and he hates it. Keep on keeping on x

That is exactly what I want to say!

He's delusional. Or he thinks I am

He wants to keep controlling you. He has ramped it up again, had some success (in his eyes), and wants to press home his advantage.

You may want to wait until final settlement but you do not need to communicate re school stuff if they are in touch with him. If he is missing stuff it is his issue, and problem. In a different life, with a different, non abusive partner this would be possible . It is not with him.

He is moving forward with a new partner, new baby, new house etc, yet he still genuinely believes he will still have an ongoing relationship with you. With him in charge. To some extent he needs this. You , and your DC don't. Far from it.

Did you have a look at online Freedom Programme?

I contacted women's aid yesterday MrsP
Just sent an email but it's a step I guess. I still feel like I'm not who women's aid is for, if that makes sense.
But I suppose they'll tell me that if I'm not.

I think he trying to control you more or upping his control over you because OW is pregnant.

I don't think he wants/wanted another baby with OW (yet ?), so she is now controlling him and he kicking back by controlling you.

Why do you need to go back to mediation, you have agreed visitation and the financial side a couple months ago nothing changed.

He has too work how he is going to carry on with the visitation as agreed while his home situation changes it's not down you to change your life for him.

exactly, I wouldn't go back to mediation, not your problem,
He has got his new partner up-duffed, She obviously needs this to get equal, & probably got pregnant as an "insurance" even without really wanting to be,
So he needs more money, his problem
Won't have flat in near location, his problem
Won't be able to get to the school, his problem

None of these problems are yours, there is no trust, & never will be. communication is already over abundant. & one sided,
He can go & royally fuck himself.

Not least because the baby coming will require him to give up his flat to buy a family home and it will necessitate a change in the current arrangements - I completely fail to see why any of that is your issue, or should mean any change in your current arrangements, or should mean that you should go to mediation. He's poking and prodding to get a response from you.

Do you have to pay for mediation? If so, tell him you can't afford it.

Oh, and the bit about building trust and improving communication?? From what I can see there is way too much communication going on on his part. He needs to find a way of reducing the amount of needless communication he pushes your way, but not through mediation.

He says he wants to return to mediation to 'build trust'. I'd say what he actually means is he wants to return to mediation to try to get your agree something different to what has already been agreed, because now his circumstances are changing so in his head you will have to work around that. He couldn't be more wrong-his life, his issue.

He will struggle-may never-see how he is not your problem anymore and he will resent you for not jumping to his tune...sobeit... entitled idiot...I've said it before and I'll
Say it again-I know how hard it's been-still is-but you have had a lucky escape here really...

If he gets angry I would just use the line my exh used on me once-when I had just found out about what he had been up to and was extremely upset...'I'm responsible for my actions not your reactions to them'... dickish thing to say, but when someone takes that most selfish of lines you can't argue with them-maybe it will
Work for you with him.

I have told him that I can't afford it. And that it is inconvenient to use a whole day to travel to the city for an hours meeting.
He said it was saddening that I didn't care enough to spend a tenner to discuss our dc.

The latest email had me copied into one he sent to the mediator. Where he says that he is eager to restart mediation.
He doesn't share the email he sent a week or so previously which urges the mediator to write to me (as had been discussed before the summer) as he was having a new baby and needed to communicate with me, preferably face to face,

I hope the mediator recognises his attempt to manipulate and control her.

Can you not just politely say, ' if you want to resume mediation in order to discuss your new circumstances then I'm
Happy to attend, if you pay for it as I don't see why I should be out of pocket due to your need for further discussion-other than that I don't feel we've anything to discuss currently'? Shows willing but also that you are on to his motives...
Jesus he's a sanctimonious twat...

If there was anything pressing to discuss about your dc then I'm bloody sure you'd have heard about it before now, what with his love of sending you copious amounts of email communication.

Perhaps I need to write an email in order to clarify that I DO NOT want to communicate with him. That I DO NOT want to build trust with him. That I DO NOT need to discuss his problems with school communications, or logistics of his house move, or anything that he chooses to do.
That I DO NOT need to accommodate his circumstances. That I AM NOT his employee. I AM NOT his wife. I am the mother of his dc. I AM NOT his friend.
I am nothing to him and he is nothing to me.

I'm going into counselling now. I'll be back

I think that might be worth doing onit. His expectations that you will accommodate his every wish, and will accommodate his changing circumstances are ridiculous. He doesn't seem to understand that you are not part of his life any more, that you are the mother of your shared children, but that is it.

I think you are correct spell it out to him.
That his problems are just that his problems.

Actually better yet, maybe I need to say this to his face.
Deadpan.
No emotion.
Just a fuck off.

The problem with saying it to his face is that he will give an immediate response which might be upsetting, or prompt you to respond back in a way that you wouldn't if you had time to consider your response. I think an email would be better really. I do think it needs saying though.

Hope the counselling went well.

Onit I think that post of 11.57 was great but I'd say it in a way that you wouldn't look bad if he ever tried to use the contents against you. Be an iron fist in a velvet glove. Oh and I wouldn't be going back to mediation either. You've got him completely out of his depth and he's doing the adult equivalent of kids saying I'm telling mum on you.

Oh and don't rise to the jibe about the children. Just pretend you never read it.

Oh and I'd be prepared for him to say ok I'll pay for it.

And copy the mediator into your reply to him then say I'm now drawing a line under this.