Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

I will MrsP

I've reported it.

I'm just totally incredulous.

No wonder. There is no understanding. Also done that thing. You are doing amazingly well. He is not worth a minute of your time. And sadly, for all concerned your DC will realise this too.

I don't know what's happened, but I hope you're ok onit .

What happened??

Please don't say he's found this thread

Nothing so dramatic thankfully.

I saw something I shouldn't and I said too much here.
Just took MrsP's advice and asked to delete it.

I wonder how the ow can sleep at night frankly.
I felt sorry for her more than anything but she deserves none of my pity.
She has made her bed. Let her rot in it.

Well she can, but only because she has buried her own had behaviour for now. It will come back to bite her on the arse sooner or later...
I lie awake sometimes wondering how the woman in my situation lived with herself... and it seems to be by pretending she hasn't done what she did...but everyone knows she did. And it will come back to her in the end. The beauty of her being my friend for so long is that I know that deep down, beneath it all, she can't be entirely comfortable with herself. It's pretty sad really.I can and will move on. She, like the woman in your case, will always have to live with it.

I can't sleep tonight.
I have spent the evening trawling through receipts looking for evidence of what I spent on the dc for school. Then writing and rewriting and editing replies to his email accusing me of dishonesty and asking for proof of my expenditure.

I've gone from anger/rage to pure wrung out sadness via shame, bewilderment and humiliation.

He has since sent another email making veiled accusations of me keeping information from him wrt letters in the dc schoolbags.
After listing all the means of communication the school use (thanks for educating me you patronising, condescending twat), he namedropped various school staff members (by their first names, presumably to give himself some sense of grandeur) that he has spoken to about the lack of communication he gets from me about school.
Asking what I plan to do for parents evening. If we will go together (for the sake of the children)

Also to let me know, just FYI you know, that he is going in to speak to one of the classes about his job next week (I'm sure they'll be riveted. Civil service is so exciting ) and taking over as something with a TLA title, and will be in school on a regular basis.

Like I give a shiny shite other than to avoid the arsewipe next Wednesday when I collect the dc. No doubt he'll be hanging around playing the doting dad.
Or maybe that should be the day I go in and ask to speak to someone about being referred to the clothing bank as my dcs dad has refused to pay for uniforms yet and I can't afford to buy them coats.

Fucking waste of space, nasty, arrogant knobend!!!!

I've replied saying he is likely overestimating the amount of relevant info that comes home in their bags.
I wasn't mean, or overly sarcastic.
I actually think I should send him everything that goes straight in my recycling bin as soon as I take it out of their bags. It would be fun thinking about him reading both copies of the fucking primary times.
Or maybe I could put it through his letterbox.

I'm currently trying to decide which of 2 replies to send to his accusatory email.
The first is an explanation of what grant I got, how it was spent, what else I've bought and why I might not have receipts.
But it feels like I'm appeasing him.
Though I do say at the end that he can take care of all of it next year. And have all the receipts his heart desires.

The second basically says "fuck you! I won't engage in the argument. I have provided and will continue to provide for the kids with or without his help.
I said he wasn't generous as he promised he would be. That my dais got nearly twice as much for my dn nearly 20 years ago from her xh who had probably half LCBs wage.

I ask him why he seems so angered by the fact I can do this by myself (then clarify that it's a rhetorical question and I don't care why)
I ask him to remember this when his next child goes to school and see if he can get what his child needs from a £95 grant.

I really should send one but I can't decide which is best.
Poll anyone?

Onit, send the latter but just say that accusing you of dishonesty is
a desperate attempt on his part to engage you in dialogue and it wont be happening. That your conscience is clear and he can think what he likes. Then do what you have to do in order to get the clothing grant and tell him you're getting it and that will be the last you discuss it with him. Just keep on remembering Onit he's always wanted dialogue with you and its why you went to mediation - to avoid direct dialogue and someone else being able to keep his gas at a peep. Do not get drawn in.

Say no to going to parents evening together because the reality is that your not parenting together and this is all window dressing for him as is the giving a talk, and being a TLA or whatever it is.

AS for being on first name terms with some of the teachers? Well that was his way of thing to intimidate you but I'd ignore it whilst keeping it tucked safely away in my mind just in case you ever have to say to a teacher or the head - actually Ive been concerned about your lack of impartiality for some time now. In fact I would perhaps even say something at school now - maybe at the parents night. Or maybe thats a bad idea and someone can suggest how to handle it better.

You've mentioned humiliation etc. Well, once again I'll gently remind you that when he doles out the humiliation etc to you its because you have well and truly got the better of him. Its not something that you ever really stop feeling because you're only human but in time this will become a fleeting second of an adverse response to his antics and you'll be able to take it on the chin because of who and what he is.

Lastly, if it matters that much could you go to mediation about the school things, or perhaps your counsellor just to get it off your chest in real life so to speak?

Oh and ref the contents of the school bags.

I would just say that you'll be contacting the school and asking them to send him an electronic copy of everything they send out on a daily basis via the children school bags and that in future anything he thinks he's not received can be taken up with them.

I like that about not going to parents evening together because we're not parenting together. Thank you, Gindingaling

I will be seeing my counsellor on Monday.
She suggested a couple of weeks back writing LCB an open letter. By way of catharsis.
I haven't felt in the right frame of mind.
I'm not sure one letter would do it
Everytime I think I'm getting free of him he emails about school holidays or parents evening or whatever the fuck.
I want him to disappear. Leave me the fuck alone. Go die in a ditch somewhere. Preferably after being flung from a moving vehicle and lying in excruciating pain for a few days.
No. Actually, I want him to feel the humiliation I feel. To be exposed for what he is, what he's done, and made to atone. And be so hated by everyone that him and his whore fuck off never to be seen again.

My hatred for him is unhealthy. It feels like poison. But there is no sign of an antidote.
I hope for karma but then I think wtf did I do? Is this my karma?
Where's his? Seriously?
I need some satisfaction (and some sleep). My head is splitting.
I have 3 kids about 2 hours from waking up. I want my bf.

He did that himself gindingaling. Says he asked them a year ago as he thought he wasn't getting as much information from school as he should.

I will be seeing my counsellor on Monday
She suggested a couple of weeks back writing LCB an open letter. By way of catharsis
I haven't felt in the right frame of mind
I'm not sure one letter would do it blush

Onit, am I confused and it was not to be sent because Im surprised that someone who agrees with you that your husband is more than likely a psychopath would suggest you write him and open letter about your feelings. The things is that with these people they dont think the way we do and it will be a waste of time. The truth is that even if you stuck pins in him whist he was reading it it just wouldnt register - apart from it being seen as a weakness on your part and a change for him to use the contents as ammunition in the future. He will despise you for your weakness and your 'craziness'.

Everytime I think I'm getting free of him he emails about school holidays or parents evening or whatever the fuck

Youre not going to be free of him in the real sense for a few years yet so Id separate emotional freedom from the freedom of not having to deal with him regarding the children. They are two very different things and if you can sort that out in your head you'll be well on the way to freedom. And he actually knows that your well on your way to freedom and its why he tried to engage you in other ways so Id go back to only answering mails once a week or so, and making it clear that things like parents night will be done separately so there's no need for them to be discussed. Remember, he wants dialogue as a form of control and you dont have to entertain it except on your terms.

I want him to disappear. Leave me the fuck alone. Go die in a ditch somewhere. Preferably after being flung from a moving vehicle and lying in excruciating pain for a few days

This will pass as time goes by and its good that it does because it does all sort of things to your body chemistry that can manifest itself in health problems later in life.

No. Actually, I want him to feel the humiliation I feel. To be exposed for what he is, what he's done, and made to atone. And be so hated by everyone that him and his whore fuck off never to be seen again

I know. I really do. But what time has taught me is that it probably wont happen and I no longer care. You see, people will have their own thoughts on the matter but when people have voiced them to me the satisfaction of hearing what they think, and its not nice, really doesn't hit the right spot for any length of time at all. It really is of little comfort. The fact is that we have to stop wanting and needing it, and that does happen, but it takes time and I think you're still not long enough into this to be at that stage yet.

My hatred for him is unhealthy. It feels like poison. But there is no sign of an antidote
I hope for karma but then I think wtf did I do? Is this my karma?
Where's his? Seriously?

Again, time will be your friend but things wont just happen, you do have to work at it, make a determined effort to be in such a place that you can do the work on yourself in order to feel better. Putting a good life in place for yourself the way you are doing now is the way forward, it will be full of positives and you'll get to the stage where you like the feeling so when negative things come into your life via him you literally wont let them linger for anything length of time because you prefer being happy.

Re the schoolbag stuff - he said he asked the school to email him things but you don't actually know if thats true so Id ask them myself. I'd speak to the teachers/head of dept and I'd then follow it up with an email. You could even copy him in on it and say - please contact the school from now on in re the contents of schools bags.

Oh and this business of the OW being copied into emails - you do realise that you've pissed him off with your strength so much that he's now having to use her/hide behind her in his power game with you.

Dont worry about the kids this morning - just put the TV on. Its allowed.

This is too tormented Onit
You owe him nothing. Say you'll pay it all this year.
He can do it ALL next year, including buying & sewing the name tags, new shoes, new coats, new bags. Nothing could be farer .
Re coats, go in & tell them he isn't participating & do what you need to do to get a grant whatever.
Tell him you are not his secretary, he has asked the for school info, he knows perfectly well he gets any important info, & if he doubts it he can take it up with Lucie, Vicci & Soozie his good friends at school
For the parents evening, we are not parenting together so fuck off
Tell Cunt face to desist in copying in her own bile to your messages
& Fuck you truly.

Thank you gindingaling

You're right, you're right, I know you're right!

I am feeling under the weather and I'm exhausted. I'm not usually so bothered by him.
I have less time over my weekend with the kids to be around others and ironically more time to deal with his shite. So I have noticed I fixate more.
I have so many other demands on my time just now. Most of which are much more enjoyable or at least fuck all to do with him.

Fantastic post by Gindingaling. If you can, avoid sharing any feelings with your ex, for the reason Ginding gives (i.e. especially if he is a psychopath or has those traits).

I'd just say to him that you don't understand how his perceived lack of communication with school is anything to do with you-he is free to request letters from school himself.

With the the money for the uniform, 'here's what I spent, here's how much grant I got, let me know if you are able to contribute, let me know what you consider fair next time'

No further dialogue needed.

First names of the teachers--they no doubt think he's a Dick like everyone else does.my ex is a school governor. He loves it being the ace face at school-it's quite funny to watch really-especially as all the teachers are no doubt all too aware that he had an affair with his kids best friends mum, so probably have a slightly different opinion of him than he thinks they do. Not that it matters at all-the trick is to live life a step removed-communicate re the kids, and nothing else if it's at all possible. For the rest, CBT steps in there, so that when you feel yourself getting enmeshed in the sadness and outrage of what he's done you have a coping technique to reroute your thoughts.He doesn't deserve any more of your head space.

I don't know how many times I've started to write this, got distracted and then come back to it to find it gone

The amount of interaction with LCB this week has been awful. Even when he wasn't emailing or texting, I was composing and editing and rewriting and trawling through a years worth of receipts looking for evidence of what had been spent on school stuff. I was also having to initiate contact because ds was unwell and I needed him to help so I could go to counselling (not that I told him that). There has also been some changes to clubs which I needed to communicate.

My counsellor asked me what I wanted to achieve. I only need the money. And for the back and forth to stop. We went over the 3 drafts I'd spent the last week writing and they were angry, confrontational and self pitying. With the occasional fuck you comment.
I had no intention of sending any of them because even I could see it would achieve nothing. He would continue the argument and drag me down with it. And I would let him see my pain.
We decided on a different tack.
I'm not entirely comfortable with it but it did work.
He transferred some money to me this morning.
The tactic she advised was to stroke his ego. Just a little. Enough to make him think he's winning. But, though he might feel he's gained some power back, it's all bullshit.
I told her about what ow called me and she actually suggested that, before I delete the account, I forward his own email back to him saying I found the dc reading it on the ipad. He'd need to ask her to explain to the dc what a cunt is and why she's calling their mum it.
That is so tempting.
Though I'd much rather share it with a judge.
I would love to see his face and hear him try and explain himself.

I think it's a good way to think of what you want and how best and quickest to get it from him but I would struggle to be nice to him were I you. That said if you consider it as a way to manage a difficult problem then it's easier to swallow I suppose! All a means to an end. And actually you have the last laugh because you have managed him successfully...once again he has underestimated you really to his own detriment.

Why on earth is the ow calling you a cunt? What world do these people live in? No bloody shame

The reality is that a judge is unlikely to pay much attention to it (may well have a personal opinion on it), and it would make very little difference to outcome.

I's be reluctant to say that the DC had seen something that they hadn't . He has no scruples and may well dig away at them. I'd be inclined to keep a copy of whatever is useful and put it away. It may be at some future point worth having to share with DC, or whoever when they are able to comprehend/it may help them process what went/is still going on. Let's face it he isn't going to stop being a prick, or putting his own selfish needs above those of his DC.

Onit, I kind of stroke my husbands ego by saying things that can have two meanings.

So for instance I said to him a wee while ago - you've been such a good provider to our son, it was your way of making up for the fact you could
never cope with him in you life, that you didn't have what it took to be his father so you just provide for him instead, he's someone you pay for.

The silly man thought I was giving him a compliment and he said with a warm and cosy feeling in his voice - I know. He really thought I was being very understanding because all he heard was the praise - you provide for him really well. I still laugh at it.

I dont think you're at the stage for this yet and I think you'll regret doing it today but hopefully you'll get there one day and have a laugh whilst doing it.

So what would I be doing in your situation? Id be writing off the money for the uniforms and telling him you'll be applying for the grant. Then Id make sure the situation cant be repeated next year.

Re this weeks interaction - you've done it now and that will be it for a while.

As for what the OW called you. Something, you, obviously upset her and that was her payback. Did your children see the comment? If so I don't see anything wrong with doing as your counsellor suggested utb I also think just sitting on it is a good idea.

As for the judge making something of it - that goes back into the territory you mentioned in your last post of wanting people to know what he is and tell him and for him to be punished etc. Its not going to happen even though I understand all too well just how much you need it.

Please try and relax a bit. You've covered a lot of ground this week and its done now for the most part. Just get the uniform stuff sorted and other things will fall into place.

I can understand that stroking his ego sticks in the throat a bit, but try to keep it to the front of your mind that you've got one over him - again. Manipulate him like this when you need to.

Not sure about the counsellor's advice regarding what the dc saw. If they did see it then fair enough. If they didn't then I really wouldn't go down that road. There's too big a risk that it could blow up in your face and you would then lose that rather nice moral high ground you currently have. I'm not sure how you found out about this, you mention deleting an account so I'm guessing that's an email account you shared with him that he's forgotten you have access to. Happily, it means that you've got under ow's skin, which is a nice thought. No harm in sending it back to him telling him that you trust she keeps her vile opinions and equally vile mouth to herself, and doesn't allow her somewhat strong feelings against you to leak into her interactions with your children.

You say about the high level of contact with him. Was it all absolutely necessary? Was some of it him just bleating and could that have been dismissed and ignored? The amount of time you appear to have expended composing and recomposing emails must be annoying for you. Don't be dragged in to his level of communication though. You are autonomous and do not need to reply or even think about his every bleating unless you think it genuinely warrants your response.

Agatha, is of course right, he can send his incessant, moaning, self important, attention seeking emails, no need whatsoever to reply. let him bleat on.

I won't lie about the dc seeing something that they didn't see.
I think my counsellor is just as frustrated as I am that he seems to have no comeuppance.

I might still forward it though, when I'm ready to, maybe once the divorce is done, or when the baby comes, to everyone in his address book.
It's one of many fantasies.
With the transcript of the messages they exchanged the weekend ds was in hospital attached. The emails where he was threatening to leave me with no money. And the screenshots of everything else I have. The poverty pleading emails alongside the purchases of £150 lingerie, subscription to porn sites, holidays when he couldn't do school pick ups, dinner parties on his weekends when he'd dumped the dc with their gp's.

Fantasy is all it is though.

I'm off to a thing at school tonight and no doubt he'll be there.
Next month is parents evening

Hi Onit, I've been on your threads from the start and another one who doesn't post but gives a mental "hear, hear!" to much of the advice you get (could do with a "Like" button). Apologies though if this is not well expressed, but I don't understand why the onus has to be on YOU to let LCB know things about the school. Either you are primary carer and responsible for the children's welfare/activities in the week, or not. You are not sharing parenting duties so you don't have to share everything. Equally I feel it is slightly unfair for the school to have to remember a separate way of communicating with a particular parent -- my children are older so maybe I'm out of the swing, but at primary age a lot of communication was done through schoolbag. When they get older it's all email so not difficult for the school to add a second email address (although my school actually quibbled at that even since the system was only apparently set up to have one per child! ), but if it's paper-based then it's a hassle for them to remember to email an alternate and things will still get missed.

Would it work if you agreed with LCB that you will be responding/reacting to school requests in the week and will email him a summary in your weekly email of the actions you have taken? If it's a big decision, like joining a club or anything that incurs a cost, then usually the deadline is not immediate (I assume) so could wait to inform him on a weekly basis. If it's a quick "bring in a cuddly toy tomorrow" request, then he doesn't need to know anyway but you can inform him at the end of the week.

Maybe this won't work at all but it seems unfair to me that you should be left traumatised and I really think your earlier idea of limiting contact to a specific timeframe would help get him out of your head. I would also set up a different email address, either for him or for everyone else, and only check the LCB one at your set time.

I think you need to continue the great work you've been doing on defining rules of engagement and not straying from them. He's proven that he will stray from them whenever it damn well suits him, but if you put a few guard rails in place he can not take you down.

Hope that makes sense. Still here at your back!

Xxx