Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

He's been for his dinner tonight. Girls were keen to show him the hours etc and it's better for them that we appear to get on I guess... he managed to not say anything horrible about the house and was only here an hour really so not too bad...(could visibly see him mentally calculating how much of my divorce settlement it has cost me though and probably thinking he's paying me too much )

Which sounded like a stealth boast as it came out wrong-I meant because the house needs a shit tonne of very expensive work to bring it up to scratch which I couldn't do on just my wages if he wasn't paying me the child and spousal maintenance! Not that it's some sort of palace!

I didn't read it as a boast nigel
That's what I think I get even without him in the house.
Especially when I got my kitchen done and the old one was piled up in my front garden.
It's like we're not supposed to spend the maintenance on anything except things exclusively for the dc.
Because they don't use the kitchen or the boiler or the car or the washing machine.

I used every penny he "loaned" me to buy a tired, unloved, dated, but liveable house which has become a happy home.
I'm sure he resents that I landed on my feet.
But I think it was karma working for me.
If karma doesn't get him, at least I gave my dc a stable home which will be ours for a very long time.
Very soon he'll be in his 4th place in just over a year.
I seriously hope it's a real life Amityville horror (obviously notwhen my dc are there )

Show him the receipts/grant paperwork, he can't argue when the sums are proven.
Tell his parents, after all if he can afford another child, he can afford to buy shoes.
Am I imagining this, or can the new OW's income also come into his "wealth" ? there for you should get it recalculated, & he will be made to contribute more
hahaha !

I don't have all the receipts unfortunately. I have the bulk of them. But lots of the little things that add up, like school bags, socks, pencils and pencil cases, etc, were picked up here and there if I spotted a bargain as part of a big shop. Their bags, for example were bought in the January sales and put away. Plus I don't want him seeing my financial situation. I like that he doesn't know what I earn or how much tax credit I get or what my outgoings are. It's none of his business.
I was so angry about him contacting the council, I waited and called them myself on Friday. I asked how he would be able to find out about the grant. The guy on the phone was adamant they wouldn't disclose that information as it would breach data protection. I asked what details they would give out and he said they would only confirm that an application had been made in the dc's names.
I said I was very upset that my financially abusive ex was given any information at all as he was now using it as a way to further abuse me.

I want to write LCB a reply to his refusal to pay telling him he has breached data protection.
I also want to point out the irony of his accusing me of dishonesty. It is actually hilarious that he thinks he has the moral high ground in any of this. And even if I did get the grant and still asked him for full reimbursement, what does he think the money will be spent on. Booze and fags? Or the dc?
I want to tell the dc that daddy hasn't contributed anything to help me pay for their clothes or bags etc.
That I asked for his help and he refused.
That he thinks I'm not honest. But obviously I can't so I bite my tongue.

However, the dc are getting there with working stuff out. Ds asked if I was still a Mrs since I was still married to daddy. I said yes. Dd asked why daddy wanted to leave me. I said she'd have to ask him because I dont really know.
She said she'd never stop loving me.
Ds asked me if I'd still loved daddy when he left and I said yes.
Dd asked again why daddy didn't love me anymore and I said she'd have to ask him that.
Then dd asked how we'd met and I told them how for me it had been love at first sight. But that he took a long time to decide he loved me. That he was with someone else and we were just friends for a long time. That it had been 20 years since we met and I loved him all that time.
Dd asked if I'd still be married if daddy hadn't gone and I said yes. That I'd loved him for 20 years and I'd have loved him another 20 and probably another if he hadn't decided to leave.

onit, I feel you deserve a HUG

Yes massive hugs onit. You are doing so well

I expect he's told them he left because he and you didn't love each other any more. Probably made it sound like a joint decision and not his choice

I want to write LCB a reply to his refusal to pay telling him he has breached data protection - don't do this onit. He shouldn't have contacted the council, but it isn't him who has breached data protection, it's the council. I'm sure he'd take pleasure in pointing that out to you, so don't give him the opportunity.

I can understand how frustrated and angry you must be over this and over his refusal to step up and pay for his children. I still think you should take it up with him further. You don't need to give him your financial details, or receipts, but just tell him that they need further items for school that the grant doesn't cover.

Have you met with his parents yet? Not sure if it was going to be last week or this week.

Just got my mortgage offer!!!!

Ok now I'll say thank you for the hugs. They're much appreciated.
Outlaws are visiting on Wednesday.
Good idea regarding extra bits they need. A friend (who's more devious than me ) suggested buying it all again, taking a pic of the receipt and then refunding it all. I'm sure it wouldn't be that easy but I might do that.

I've decided to attempt to say something to my pil. Though I'm not sure what. Now that I have my mortgage I might say something about him now being able to buy the big house for his new family when he gets the big cheque from me. And that it makes my long term financial situation even more difficult since the new baby means he will likely cut the dc's maintenance payment.
If I get a question about that, I'll just say that when I asked for money for uniform he told me to apply for a clothing grant as he couldn't pay before the schools went back. So I can only assume the worst because I'm still waiting on him honouring his promise to pay for school clothes which I bought and paid for before I applied for the grant.
That it didn't cover half what I'd spent and I was now at least £100 short after buying shoes.

And I won't mention the council. It's an argument he wants to have so I won't.
I may suggest that since he doesn't trust me, he can do it next year himself. Including shoe shopping, laundering and labelling it before the term starts.
Fuck him! I will not be intimidated any more.

Yaayyyy - really pleased for you.

Good for you - I'm glad you're planning on telling the in-laws. He's shocking behaviour and the impact it is having on yours and your dc's lives should be visible to them.

And I'm loving the idea of buying it all again and then getting refunds.

And yes, definitely tell him it's his turn to do the going back to school shop next year. He is keen of getting his share of them, after all!

Fab news re mortgage (don't repay him for as long as poss)
Absolutely agree he can do the whole shebang next year... including asking for the grant in his name,labeling etc
Tosser

Great news on the mortgage offer onit!!

Have just had a bill from my lawyer. I really had no idea how much it would be but, although it's a significant amount of money, it's probably half what I thought it might be.

It does mean I'm not so worried about finally phoning the roofer to get that looked at. I might also splash out on getting my kitchen finished too.

YAY, all good news, yes get the roof looked at before the winter.

re the missing receipts, I totally think you should re purchase the shoes/most expensive things & then return.. even if you were careful buying in January, he doesn't have to know that.

See good things are starting to happen...onwards and upwards...

Would it be possible to pay for the lawyer out of the lump sum you're going to give him? It's a shame to take it out of your kitchen or roof fund, particularly when this is all his fault anyway.

I deliberately asked to borrow about 3k more than I needed to pay him, thinking it would give me a buffer in case of a massive legal bill.
It will give me a chance to pay off a chunk and the lawyer will let me arrange a payment plan anyway.
The hope is that, once I've no lawyers fees or mediation or any expenses related to this, I will be able to take stock of what I have left and set a proper budget.
At the moment, month to month, my outgoings are considerably less than my income; but I am very, very careful to the point that I'm constantly checking my account.
On a positive note, it means I've become much more financially aware.

I feel like I'm getting close to breaking the ties that bind me.
I will have debt when I've never been in debt, but it will be mine. And I'm quietly confident that I can cope and do more than just exist. I might even be able to take the dc on holidays when I had been sure this years would be the last.

Things are good at the moment

With a realistic budget a mortgage debt doesn't need to be scary, sounds like you've got it well under control on that front!!

Onwards to freedom!

Good news about the mortgage Onit. Feels like things are finally falling into place for you.

I really hope so.
Perhaps karma is just doing her thing for me and the dc, rather than against the LCB and ow.

So much I need to do but I'm exhausted.

Goodnight all

let go, not hold on.