Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

Yes, you will get thee onit...you have come so far, and done so well.
I guess it's the accepting that whatever you say won't alter their course or make them feel any different that's one of the hardest things about all this...one of the hardest hits to accept at any rate.

My counsellor recommended I listen to a podcast of Jeremy vine on Radio 2 from last Thursday.
Now he's not my favourite person but he was interviewing a psychopath. Like a normal one and so many things were scarily accurate.
Worth a listen if you can.

I've just listened to that thanks to your recommendation.

What did you make of it? Do you think he is psych or do you think, as Athena said, it's an easy out as a reason for relationship breakdown and the odds are he's more likely to be a cunt (paraphrasing there slightly!)?

Paraphrase away Joy

I'm convinced he is. He has too many of the traits to not be.

I see that it is an easy out.
It's also something that has crossed my mind. Am I only seeing it with hindsight? Rewriting history?
Possibly. But there is so much that he did which Athena described as psychopathic, that was just his ordinary, everyday behaviour.
Some things he hid well, like his callousness, but his mask slipped occasionally. When he came home gloating about managing to sack an employee who had been sick with mental health issues on and off for example.
Other things he took pride in. Like his fearlessness. Or he'd torment me with it because he knew that his standing on one foot at the edge of a cliff was terrifying to me. But he would tell me I was overreacting.

The thing that struck me was when Jeremy Vine asked her if she would kill someone to get what she wanted and her answer was "no, that'd be too much like hard work". Not, "of course not! Killing is wrong" just that it'd would be a hassle

I could hear LCB say that.
It's not that he doesn't know what's right and wrong. He does. He's learned it but he just doesn't feel it.
He learned what was socially acceptable. But he was a different man at home than in company.

It was an interesting listen.
I work with a lot of people with personality disorder and some of their traits are similar to those described. Occasionally I find myself
Wondering with some of them-are they Really sick or are they just quite unpleasant individuals-it's a fine line sometimes I think...

Yes her thoughts about her mask being based on social convention which keeps her in check and is the difference between her being psych but also a cunt was an interesting concept.

I thought it was a great segment and reckon there's at least a whole programme there if they wanted to focus on it.

Everything is based on logic and calculation and relating only to self interest. That could work in your favour though Onit as it'll make his behaviour and responses more predictable and Jim more easy to manipulate too.

*who the fuck is Jim? I meant "him" of course!

I sent a reply to the last email finally.
I did ask him to clarify if he expected the council to pay for his dc or if he was planning to reimburse me as he had been unclear.
I also asked if I should approach his mum for help as she'd bought uniform in the past (she'd insisted on buying one set of clothes for each of the dc when they first started school)

I told him if the class which is on his time is inconvenient, he could remove them from it but I wouldn't be able to pay for any other activities if he chose to stop paying which he threatened if I had the audacity to choose an activity he didn't approve of or move an existing class to a more convenient time for the dc.

And this was also going to impact on whether I could continue with mediation. That I'd need to reassess my budget after the separation agreement as my financial situation will become much worse than it is currently. Never mind that it takes up the entire day as I have to travel into the city.

I made no comment about his situation as much as I wanted to. I can't show him that his having another baby warrants my disapproval (or any response really) as it just feeds the beast.
He doesn't deserve my opinion.
Let him reap what he's sown.

I listened to it with bf (over the phone) and I'm sure he thought that I was just calling LCB a psycho because that's what you do, isn't it, when someone is a collosal asshat. But, after evey description, he'd pause the podcast and ask if that was familiar to me.
I'm sure he gets it now. It's the first time I've really shared the true extent of some of what I went through.

I'm glad he's more understanding now. Thank you Jeremy Vine!

I can't find the podcast, anyone have a link ?

I could only find it on iPlayer radio, not my usual source of podcasts. This requires you to register for an account.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0904hzh

thanks, I listened to it... 1% of the population, that's lots :o( !!!!

not smiling, screwed that up..

I thought that too mix.

Explains alot though I think about the way people behave...

I finally sorted out my mortgage application stuff.
I'm missing a bank statement but I've printed out my transactions. So I'm hoping that'll suffice.

I haven't had a reply to my email yet but I expect he will make me wait at least as long as I kept him waiting. He did forward it to ow though presumably for her thoughts on how to reply.

Had a bit of a chat with the dc this morning and they mentioned that LCB and ow are planning on buying a house together. In the city. Because there won't be room for all of them in either place. They won't be going to his flat anymore soon (the one close by). I said that'll make after school pick ups difficult but dd said that LCB said nothing's going to change.

Good to know

I've also had mil text and her and fil are coming through to see us and take us out for tea next week.
Still not sure how to deal with them. I feel like an obligation. I guess it's just going to be awkward.
I mean do I congratulate them on becoming grandparents again? Or do I ignore it?

Bf had a minor op on Thursday. Slight complication which kept him in overnight and he's in a bit of pain.
His oldest ds and both younger ones are there this weekend.
I just want to be there to make sure he's ok. He says I'm being supportive and caring from afar but it's shit. I'm mostly happy with the distance thing. I like my space and the fact I can be lazy. But it's crap when you just want a hug.

Glad you've got the mortgage stuff sorted. A weight off your mind at least.

The difficult after school pick ups will be for him to worry about and manage. Hopefully it'll go smoothly where your dc are concerned.

Hope tea with the inlaws goes well. Why do you feel like an obligation? I'm sure they're seeing you because they want to, since they see the children anyway. It's nice really to maintain some kind of contact with them. I'd take the middle ground where the pregnancy is concerned. No need to congratulate, but no need to avoid the subject either. They're probably worried about your reaction too.

Do you have plans to see bf again any time soon?

I'm seeing bf on Wednesday for a bit. And we spoke on the phone last night.

I had a bit of a meltdown last night after I put the dc to bed.
I knew I had to print off the separation agreement draft to properly digest it.
My laptop is grinding to a halt and it's so frustrating and I was sitting sobbing when bf texted to say hi.
How he can tell by a text message that I'm not ok is beyond me. But he phoned because he said he wasn't convinced I was ok. I managed to stop crying but I'm on the verge even now. Though I can't quite say why. And I can't let it out as I'm sitting in a coffee shop.

I am going to my counselling at 12 so I'm sure she'll get the brunt of it.

I had a reply to my request for clarification on the school uniform. He said he'd called the council and, because there had been a grant made in the dcs names he wasn't going to pay for something I'd already claimed for.
School uniform, bags, shoes etc cost me around £250 for both dc.
I was given £180ish in the grant.
I can't afford to let the other £70 go but I honestly can't face asking that cunt for another penny.
I'm exhausted with it all. I'm begging for him to pay for their shoes. It's not like I'm asking him to pay my gym membership or pay for my fucking counselling.

I'm feeling so low. It would be my dads birthday tomorrow and I think that's on my mind too.

Anyway. I'm still here. Just having another wobble. But nothing I haven't survived before.

To clarify, I made a claim for the school meals and uniform and had it granted.

My Polish friend was ranting when I told her "he has no honour!!"
Which, in her accent made me laugh a little. But she's right.

The best bit is the email he sent in reply was actually written by ow.
I saw he'd forwarded my email to her and he sent me her reply almost word for word.

How will she feel in the future when he does this to her?

I can't afford to let the other £70 go but I honestly can't face asking that cunt for another penny. I'm exhausted with it all. I'm begging for him to pay for their shoes
He's such a bastard. But don't let it go onit. Just factually state what you've said here. That your grant was short by £70 for their essential school stuff and that they still need shoes.
For what it's worth, I think you should let his parents know that you're struggling financially. As their grandparents they may be willing and able to help you a little with things. Perhaps they could pay for their shoes? Also, I think they need to know the reality of your situation. It could be that he's telling them you've walked away with far more money than you have and that he's the one struggling.

I agree with agatha. Explain to him in similar or terms that the grant didn't cover the whole costs of the kids school stuff. He needs a reality check. And yes, do say to his parents that to be honest you are struggling a bit with big expenses like these. It's shoddy behaviour from him and they might just get him to recognise that where you can't.
How do you know he forwarded the email to the ow just out of interest? Are you still able to see his email account? Useful I guess-but I hope you aren't torturing yourself
With it...
Chin up onit...at least your lovely bf seems to be a good un...

I have moved house this week, and although my new house is pretty much falling down and there is tons to do I don't feel like a weight has lifted a bit. The old
House was our family home-and the woman in my case had spent a lot of time there with me too when she was my friend. No memories but the girls and mine in this new house. Although exh is bothering to come and see it. I will say yes soon but just what a few more days of settling in before I let him darken the door

Just running out the door but wanted to say congratulations on your new home nigel

Do you need to let exh in?
LCB isn't allowed in my gate (though he did knock the door once) and I have to say, I LOVE that he hasn't been in here.

Great news about your new home nigel. Hope you'll all have lots of happy years there. I also agree with onit - why does the ex need to come in?

Nope Nigel do not let your ex in your new house. You have no memories of him there--why change that.
This is your own private personal space keep it that way