Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

I won't use the info I have. I'm aware it's not an official source and I rather like the moral high ground despite it being a pretty useless position.
It just pisses me off he can be so tight with the dc's necessities but can afford 2 flats and any number of outings with them. But that's because no one will give him credit for buying school dinners or gym shoes but he gets seen taking them here there and everywhere.

I also doubt the credit card thing is that bad. We used credit cards when we were together but always paid them off every month. I bet he's just twitchy because he hasn't been able to do that. The only debt we had was the mortgage.
I doubt, in a year, he's in £40k worth of debt which is the cheque he'll be getting from me soon enough, and I would imagine ow will be getting a similar sized amount from her dh too.
Bear in mind he's also clearing £2.5k every month after maintenance is paid. He chooses to spend £700+ on a 3 bed flat near the dc (which is used twice a week for tea and maybe one full weekend a month. Less since ow was introduced) while living with her in the city in one of the wealthiest postcodes, which probably costs him the same again.
He still has a grand a month to flash around after all that lot and the ow will be getting paid too.
He's not poor. His disposable income is probably equal to my total income.

You know, you should put those figures to him. The ones you legitimately know about. I suspect he doesn't credit you with the intelligence to realise this. Perhaps it's time he realised you can add up!

I started bashing out a reply to his email. I won't send it. The confrontation still makes me panic and I can only assume that he is spoiling for a fight.
I won't give him the satisfaction of drawing me into an argument. I get some catharsis from just getting it out there anyway. So here it is.

I'd like to clarify that you expect me to apply for free school meals and clothing grants so that the council can help me feed and clothe the children.
I should not be surprised, however, when you've left them to be largely supported by the benefit system for the past year and for the foreseeable future.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I'm ashamed of you. I'm sure your mum would be too if she knew. I'm damn sure mine would.

If you can't afford the children you already have, perhaps it isn't wise to father more. I'd also suggest that if you are struggling financially, it might be prudent to give up one of your 2 homes.
Just a thought.
You'll forgive me if I have little sympathy for your supposed poverty when your income is in excess of 10 times mine. It's likely that, after you pay rent(s) and maintenance, what's left is more than my total monthly income. I have to keep the kids with a roof over their head, feed and clothe them, transport them and entertain them.
And you have another earner (with her own windfall cheque imminent) to support your lifestyle choices.
I wonder if she is aware that sooner or later she'll receive the same treatment for her child/children.
Out of curiosity, are you claiming single person discount on your council tax for [the flat near home] since you still declare it as your main residence. Are the council aware it's not being occupied more than a few hours a week?
Is she claiming discount on your other home?
Given your position, it would be quite embarrassing if you were playing the system like that.
But you are an honest and principled man so you couldn't possibly be.
It's lucky you found a partner with equally questionable morals to support you in your endeavours.

Just about sums it up onit. I know the general consensus would be to not send it, to keep the moral high ground etc, but I'd like to think that hearing the truth might just make him think about the situation a little. Probably not, and it would probably have no impact on his behaviour, but I think in your position you would be completely justified in sending it. After all, what have you got to lose really?

I would be so tempted to send that.

I'd send it...but I am not level headed in situations like this all the time so might not give the best advice in this case...

Absolutely cracking email response onit

I would not be abled to stop myself from hitting send with a smirk though.
You clearly have more self control than I will ever have

I would be hammering that send key. I do admire your self-control.

There's a few of us on MN saying 'send the fucker'!

Usually .. it's the opposite ' 'don't send'.

But that email really highlights his hypocrisy in a way that is impossible for him to deny. As Agatha says - what have you got to lose?

At worse you'd get some some pompous reply .. but just bin it unread!

You've got more self control than me.

There is nothing in that email that he can argue about , it's all true.

I'd send it, it's a brilliantly written email.

What a beautifully eloquent exposure of just how low LCB is.

If I'd managed to write that I'd send it too.

I also think you should send it! Think it's a brilliant email.

Sorry if I am remembering wrongly. Just looking for a bit of advice- I thought I had seen you mention this before on one of your threads when you were talking about mediation. Was there something about discussions regarding if he was due to have DCs for his normal contact time but couldn't (due to his commitments not DC activities) that he was asking to swap days? If this is right what did you agree? Sorry if I have got that totally wrong!

It is a brilliant email. But don't send it. He'll be delighted to know he's wound you up, and all too happy to engage I suspect whilst "advising" you on how best to manage etc etc. Financial abuse is just another string to his abusive bow.

Ignore, ignore, ignore whilst making sure your lawyer is aware of the latest shit.

The only thing that will make him behave with any humanity, is being shamed into it be his peers knowing.
Maybe there is a bursar, social asistant at the school? I would honestly shame him via the means of letting the school know how he is behaving. It will get back to the head master,
Hahaha

Isobel a school governor ? Put an application into the hardship committee with copies of his email without telling him....

Isn't he, not Isobel. She's got nothing to do with this

I wouldn't send the email, I'd just stick to very basic, factual stuff "for the record", eg that you are unlikely to be eligible for meals/uniform grants because of his income; and that he previously requested to move the DCs' weekend activity and to this being in the week (attaching the relevant emails).

I would also report the basics to your SOL, that he's refused a request for money for meals/uniform and challenged DCs' activities sometimes being during his time with the DC.

I'm not going to send it.
I will need to reply to one or 2 actual questions. But I know my refusal to get drawn in annoys him so I'll continue to piss him off.
I haven't the panic I once had on receipt of one of his emails. And I don't tend to dwell on them much.
I churn out an honest reply, save it as a draft and then sometime later I send a short and sweet reply.

He'll get a shock when I tell him to double what I asked him for because I've since bought school shoes and trainers for PE.

I can't fucking sleep though. Got a massive to do list.
My house is being valued on Monday for mortgage purposes.
I have my lawyers draft of the separation agreement to read through (but need to find a pc to read it on as it won't open on my phone )
I was concerned about how I'm going to pay for all this legal stuff and it looks likely I'll be paying for it for a long time . I've no idea how much it will be but it'll be in the thousands. I guess around 8-10k.
I suppose I'll keep buying my lottery ticket.

And the fucking asshat wonders why I won't be friends!?!
Well pal, maybe because you forced me to spend the money for my dcs next 5 holidays on fucking lawyers when you could've been a decent human being and just walked away ashamed of yourself. Or died. That would've worked too.

It can't be healthy to carry this hatred around with me.
Will it ever go away? I could quite easily stab him in the side of the head. Twice.
I imagine truest awful things happening to him and I don't feel better.

And please don't admire my self control. At best it's self preservation, at worst just plain cowardice.
I've gone from being terrified of confronting him about things to being to feeling like there's no point. He doesn't fucking care. He doesn't see anything wrong in what he's done/doing. If he did, surely the shame would be unbearable.
Anything I do only has the potential to hurt the dc or his family maybe.
I doubt OW gives a shit. She's just as culpable at this point.
I hope the baby is a 14lb porcupine and she has the same hellish time with a new baby that I had in the 9 months before I fell pregnant again.

And I hope he suffers too. Though I'm unclear how I can wish ill on him without it hurting my dc.
Suggestions welcome for my plotting and strategies

I think your getting stronger by the day. And for what it's worth I would have send the email it was truthful.

There's so much I want to say to you, but it's dinner time here and I've had a few... Please look into Parallel Parenting, it absolutely saved my life when I was trying to raise three daughters with an sociopathic arse. It sounds to me like you're already on that path but it really helped me to realise I didn't have to "co-parent", I could leave him to fuck up on his own.

It's hard to get rid of the hatred. All that's helped me is CBT and time...

Don't lower yourself by wishing him and OW harm --Karma has a way of getting her own back when least expected

Continue as you are doing, live well and continue to parent as well as you have been doing. The DC's will grow up fast and will realise what a loser and horrible person both their DF and OW are.... I actually feel sorry for the new baby.

Counselling was hard today. She asked what I wanted to achieve with an honest reply to LCBs email.
I told her I was angry and wanted to shame him.
She asked if I was likely to get what I want and I know I won't. He's emotionally bankrupt.
She is concerned, however, that I have an outlet for my anger.
She suggested I print my email out, speak it out loud and then ritually burn it.

I talked about my trust issues with bf. That I have a voice telling me that I shouldn't believe him when he says he loves me. I don't believe there are any red flags. It's not bf I don't trust, it's myself.
I'm angry with myself for allowing LCB to treat me badly. Because I loved him. And didn't feel like I had a voice. Because I was so grateful he loved me (or so I thought) because he was out of my league. More attractive, better educated, from a good family, etc.

I've so much on my plate right now. I have a to do list which is pretty overwhelming. I'm on a path of avoidance.
But I'll get there. Because I have to.

You will get there. Look how far you ha e come already x