Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

Yes-mine made me agree that he would pay 100 quid of the maintenance money into our old joint account (rest into my account) and I would do the same, for stuff like dinner Money, football subs, trips etc.
I don't know what he thought I'd be doing with the money otherwise, (knobber). I'm
Pretty sure I've never given him cause to believe I would spend all the kids food money on drugs, booze or fast cars!( I've tried to ignore how offensive and controlling that is as it really makes no odds to me in practical terms and because I can't be arsed with the argument-he clearly values knowing how I spend what is in effect my money on our children),but it does make my blood boil if I think about it too much. Also he seems to think that he kids stuff costs 200 quid a month, which if it were accurate would be phenomenal, and I wouldn't today be wearing a top that I got 9 years ago and shopping at Lidl.

Glad you are feeling ok onit-and the DC and that they are home safe and sound.
I hope your friend gets off the fence but try not to be too offended if she doesn't. I find it hard to understand people like that-I don't think they realise how hurtful it can be to the person who has been hurt to not have a friend validate that with their reaction entirely.

It is hurtful.
I know she liked him but I'm sure some of my other friends and family did too. But they absolutely understood that I needed them to hate him too.
I told her about the baby and she said "really?!?" Then followed that up with "at least you know he left you for a long term thing and not a fling"
I didn't know what to say to that.
What should I have said?

Her and her dp are out for the evening and I'm babysitting her 2 dc and have mine too.
I'm hoping the dc go to sleep before they come home and I can go to bed before they come back.

Hmm, if that was my friend I would think she was being a dick and didn't actually like me much to be supportive. Not much you could have replied to that, other than ' yes, that makes it all totally ok then'

Is she jealous of you or is there something unresolved between you?

I doubt she's jealous of me. Not much to be jealous of tbh.
Unresolved issues? I don't know. I've know her my entire life. I've always thought of her as a sister more than a friend.
I think it's just going to be this way.
She asked if I'd ever se him face to face, for the sake of the dc and I said absolutely not.
She questioned if that was best for them and I said I didn't want my dc growing up thinking they need to be civil to anyone who hurts them like he hurt me.
That I don't want my ds to think he can treat women like LCB treated me, or my dd thinking that she has to accept this type of behaviour either.
I think it's healthier for all of us if I'm happy and they understand (in time obviously) that I refused to allow him to abuse/control me just to "keep the peace".

You know what-it might be better to give this friend a swerve for a little while...it's sounds childish but at the moment you need the people around you to be to some degree on your side, not being endlessly reasonable about his behaviour because it doesn't affect them directly and they are desperate (for whatever reason) to be seen as neutral.
Has she believed some bullshit he's fed her perhaps? Because to me what she said was insensitive at best, and bloody hurtful at worst.
I would disengage, politely, for a bit...maintain the friendship by staying in touch but be brief and avoid seeing her until you are strong enough to deal with her indifference.
Of course friends don't have to agree with us all the tjme.But when you are at your most vulnerable they do need to recognise that and sometimes get off the fence.

I've been thinking about it and although she was very supportive at first, since I've become stronger, not so heartbroken, since I got angry and started recognising his past behaviour, her manner changed.
Or perhaps it was when I started seeing bf.

Maybe I was supposed to be miserable for a lot longer.

Her problem then, not yours...
You just don't need it. I have recently followed my own advice and started distancing myself form some friends who started to be slightly 'tutty' when I was upset over something I had found hard (social stuff with the kids that required me to be in close proximity to the woman in my case) In my friends eyes I should have got over it by now. I think I am doing fairly well but that I'll get over it when I'm ready to...I am trying but I feel what I feel-and not without help from my friends as opposed to impatience.

Hi onit

Have followed your threads for a while now and just wanted to jump in and say christ knows how you are remaining so strong but fuck me im impressed. The latest bombshell would probably make me lose my brains - you're completely owning this.

I'm writing as my friend acted exactly the same way to me as yours is doing to you and I'm hoping you can be spared 2 years of pain like my so called BFF put me through (and still is but I've mentally walked away now).

Some friends are so very good when they're the steadfast sorted one and you're downtrodden and having a shit time. When I left XH and my life took a massive swing for the better (within weeks) that's set me on a trajectory that I'm still on now it seemed to go down like a pan of cold sick at a dinner party.

I would never ever have thought it of her but her face gave away her feelings at every turn when I spoke about how much BETTER things were without XH. When folk said how much I was back to my old self. When I met now DH she was - and still is - the only person not to like him. The snarky comments and digs along the lines of "I'm just looking out for you" became tiresome. Ten weeks after I had my baby she massively put the boot in about how selfish I was. I grovelled. Didn't realise I was in the throes of PND. Eighteen months on and a couple of frank chats later the shitty digs and spiteful comments are still there.

I ask myself again and again "is it me? And I being the oversensitive bellend here"?

It's not. So in offer to spare drama with innocent mutual friends I'm fading out the offensive cow and it feels good to have a finger resting on the delete button.

Moral of overly long story:
Some folk love you when you're suffering but back away when you suddenly take control.
Your friendship has now changed and it won't be as it was again as you're a different person.
Fade her out, and don't furnish her with any details of your life. They will be twisted and fed back to you shittily.
You have been through more than enough shitey bollocks this past year so don't let any more into your life.

It's astonishing how people can let you down in a domino effect after a major life change. You're ace and they're not. So NYAH.

I just find it all so depressing.
If there was one friend I thought I could rely on totally it was her.

You have had the courage to make major changes in your life and she finds this unacceptable. She would prefer you to be subdued, shocked and unable to cope.
Instead you are being strong, capable and adapting. How dare you!

She is accepting your exes deplorable behaviour as understandable and even excusable, whilst criticising your coping behaviour & accusing you of not making good choices for your children.

At this stage, I would cut her loose.
I would decide "those who are not for me, are against me."
Surround yourself only with those who offer you honesty and support, those who offer advice and not critisism.

When we face a crisis, we discover those who TRULY care about us.
The people who remain by our sides are not always who we would have counted on as friends.

Preach, hats 🙌

I am quite 😯 at your friend's attitude.

If she had walked in your shoes for a day, let alone a year, I wonder if she would be so dismissive of your feelings?

You must feel terribly hurt and let down, and it is no wonder: her lack of empathy (especially in view of latest (pregnancy) revelation shows a distinct deficit of emotional intelligence.

This must be so very hard for you, and I'm sorry that your friend is not being supportive.

Please don't doubt yourself Onit. You are doing great in the most difficult and trying circumstances.

For you 💐 xx

When this all first happened, all I wanted was for her to live closer.
She drove to see me after a 12 hour shift and stayed hours and drove home in the middle of the night.
She listened to me cry and rant and panic and offered practical and financial help (I never took any money from her).

Now I find myself glad that she lives 2 hours away. And that she doesn't call as often as she used to (I don't think this is anything other than her workload has increased dramatically and she is knackered).

It makes me so sad.

It's horrible.Another kick in the face to add to all the others. I have found it to be a bit soul destroying with my similar friends too. But I have decided to live my life as I see fit and cut out the people that aren't helping me right now. Recovery is tricky enough as it is/it a delicate balance staying on a level sometimes-you don't need to be derailed.

You might be able to pick up with her when you feel better.You might not.But to reiterate-it's her problem (and her loss) not yours

He has sent a reply to my email about classes and uniform and dinner money.

He's sent me a link to the forms for clothing grants and free school meals. Saying he's not in a position to pay for uniform till I transfer the money he's owed. That he's living off credit cards.

He's suggested he will remove payment for classes if I schedule them in his time or without discussing it with him. Despite the fact I've moved them from slap bang in the middle of both Saturday and Sunday to after school. One is on his afternoon but it means both dc go to one class instead of separately which is better for all concerned.
Apparently I didn't discuss it with him.
I did. I need to find the email so I can resend it.
In fact I believe he suggested moving them to after school first and I was against it in dd's first term as she was so knackered. He also arranged classes during his time before which he was obviously ok with and didn't discuss with me.
I guess it's me making decisions he's unhappy about.

I want to send him a link to family planning and suggest he should make sure he can support the dc he already has before having another. Especially when earns £50k a year but still he expects the taxpayer to clothe and feed his 2 existing children. Perhaps he should give up one of his homes if his budget is tight.
Am I supposed to feel sorry for him?

My heart fucking bleeds.

Sent you a link to school uniform grants? Fucking wanker

Does it escape him that his financial issues are down to his wandering Dick?

What a lucky escape you have had onit...

Perhaps your friend thinks it's better for the children if you and your appalling DH are civil to each other but can't tell you? It certainly seems to be the mantra now but IMO I don't think it's right in all circumstances. I also think a lot of people don't understand marital abuse unless they can see bruises.

She may be struggling to support you as she genuinely believes that you are behaving badly here.

My Mum never saw my father or spoke to him after he put her in intensive care. I understood exactly why she wouldn't. I couldn't understand why I had to see him though. I still have a relationship with him of sorts but it is all about guilt and frankly unhealthy. There were people on both sides of the family who thought my DM over reacted.

Perhaps you should show your friend the latest email and ask her how she would deal with it. If she's not shocked that he is happy to have an additional child when he can't afford uniform and school lunches for his existing children, then you will know to phase her out.

He's living on credit cards? Maybe he needs to give up the flat. And I would really be tempted to forward that to his parents- from what you've said previously, they might shame him into some acceptable behaviour

Sending forms for uniform grants?????

What an absolute tool he is eh.

Keep going op. You amaze me with your self control.
Karma will prevail

I think the governors would love to hear that !

infact, say "fine I will pay for the uniform, you can stick the 6K up your arse"

My bf told me to reply that's fine I'll let the kids know.
My dcousin suggested a link to an abortion clinic

God I want to shame him so much. But what would be the point when he has none.

I did some snooping and now know he's prepared to take me to court over the dc. Or at least threaten me with it.

But I do wonder what his lawyer has said to him in this regard.
I would like to think I can demonstrate how the dc are doing very well with the current arrangement.
That his behaviour has shown a lack of parental responsibility, and that he has continued to try to exert control over me in an abusive and threatening manner since I asked him to leave.

And I still have the messages. And many other secrets which could shame him not least of which is the fact that he raped me.

I also wonder if he used his credit card to buy £100 worth of sports equipment or to pay for the £25 subscription to what on further investigations turned out to be a porn site.

onit I don't know where you're snooping and getting this info from, but you do of course know that you can't use information gained from accessing his personal email etc accounts I'm sure. You have the moral high ground so firmly, it would be a shame to give him an inch of it because the idiot will clearly take it and run for a mile

Saying he's not in a position to pay for uniform till I transfer the money he's owed. That he's living off credit cards - keep a tally of the money and knock it off what you owe him, and tell him you'll be doing that.

He should have thought about all of that before he fucked off and started another family.

I also wonder if he used his credit card to buy £100 worth of sports equipment or to pay for the £25 subscription to what on further investigations turned out to be a porn site. Over the months it seems like he has been living well. Perhaps it has all been on credit card, but he always had a choice. I really would love OW to know about the porn subscription. Doesn't really speak well of their relationship, does it?

Dont know where you're getting the info from but please be careful he doesn't find out. He's sounds unhinged !