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Original poster

In our 30s, he hasn't made a move, sexually frustrated lol

525 replies

Dipsy86 · 14/06/2017 14:10

Been going out with my new boyfriend for over 6 weeks. We have seen each other basically every second day since we met! (we knew each other before, he isn't a stranger, known him since we were teens). We have been on about 3 "proper" dates per week, then coffees and lots of walks in between these dates. So we have seen each other A LOT!!

We definitely have that spark, he constantly tells me how attracted he is to me. He is always holding my hands, stares into my eyes and tells me how amazing I am etc. IT is really lovely. We have kissed a lot too. He is 33, I am 31. But I am now getting extreme sexual frustration lol to the point where it is starting to bug me. There has been ample opportunity for him to "try it on" and he hasn't. He has been at my house multiple times and i often think "this will be the night" lol and it doesn't happen. Instead he will just keep kissing me. He isn't a virgin, has had previous girlfriends, even one night stands (even I haven't had a one night stand lol).

I mentioned it last week and he said "oh we have plenty time to be doing that and get to know each others bodies etc, I don't want to ruin this and am enjoying taking this slow". I then said "you won't ruin it". I am past that stage now lol, I know we are both in this for a relationship. But I am literally at the stage where I can't take it anymore and it is actually awkward now as I am like just make a move on me after 15 minutes of solid kissing.

I mentioned it to some of my friends and each of them said they thought it was really odd, how much we have seen each other and no sexual moves have been made. I do not feel confident enough to make a move on him sexually as in my experience it is usually the guy that would initiate this first. I have laid plenty hints now and he knows how I feel.

He even told me he had even been to the gum clinic last week. He said "I want to start this relationship properly". Which is really sweet and I totally respect it. However, naturally I want to rip his clothes off lol.

What are your honest thoughts on this?

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 15/06/2017 10:14

Some of the replies on here are awful. He's controlling, he's narcissistic, he's abusive, he's got a micropenis, he's not normal...

If a woman came on here and said she'd met someone and had been seeing them six weeks, but wasn't ready to sleep with them yet, she wouldn't be called controlling, abnormal or narcissistic. She'd be told to wait until she was ready, and that any man worth his salt would respect that and be happy to wait for her.

MN and it's double standards at play. Again.

WannaBe · 15/06/2017 10:21

Shock at some of these responses. We're talking about six weeks not months or years here. How many threads do we see on here from posters who have been online dating and don't want to sleep with the bloke for a few weeks because they feel that's all he wants, and the unanimous response is to wait? Now we have a man who wants to wait and he's abnormal? So it seems that all the OP is interested in is sex and that's perfectly ok and he's the one at fault? Confused.

Ultimately if the OP wants to sleep with him then she needs to make a move. If she doesn't want to do that then she has to wait for him to do so. If he turns her down and she is genuinely so shallow that she would end a relationship if they hadn't had sex after six weeks then I'd say he was well rid tbh.

Brahms3rdracket · 15/06/2017 10:21

Completely agree with caffeinestream, some of the comments here are disgusting and fucking ridiculous. Whoever described him as abusive needs her fucking bumps read.

OP has now discussed the most intimate details of this relationship with friends and all of MN rather than just speak to the man involved. I'm sure he'd be absolutely mortified if he knew and I wonder if he would still want to bother continuing seeing her.

Also agree that it's bloody ridiculous to sit around waiting for him to initiate. Why can't you?

LottieandMia · 15/06/2017 10:22

'If a woman came on here and said she'd met someone and had been seeing them six weeks, but wasn't ready to sleep with them yet, she wouldn't be called controlling, abnormal or narcissistic. She'd be told to wait until she was ready, and that any man worth his salt would respect that and be happy to wait for her.'

Ffs sex, is a normal part of a relationship. Without sex you are not in a relationship. The OP and her partner are 30, not 17.

Withholding sex from a partner is abusive. If the guy doesn't want to have sex then fine but he should tell the OP so she can move on. I strongly suspect there is something more sinister going on here however.

Brahms3rdracket · 15/06/2017 10:25

He has told her. Read the thread.

caffeinestream · 15/06/2017 10:26

It's not fucking abusive - they've been dating six weeks!

Jesus Christ.

caffeinestream · 15/06/2017 10:27

And he's said he doesn't want to have sex yet. But people won't respect that because he's a man and something must be wrong with him Hmm

WannaBe · 15/06/2017 10:28

LottieandMia you are talking bullshit. If this is a regular relationship which has been going on for years and sex has never been on the cards then you may have a point, but to suggest that a relationship doesn't begin until you've had sex is complete and utter bollocks. What about couples who don't believe in sex before marriage? What about couples where one has a disability and sex isn't part of the deal for physical reasons? If all your relationship equals to you is sex then might I suggest you have a somewhat shallow view of the world.

And we're talking six weeks here. six weeks but yeah, let's tell people that they ought to be jumping into bed on first dates because anything without sex isn't worth anything.

AlcoholandIrony · 15/06/2017 10:29

^ right on the button @caffeinestream

WannaBe · 15/06/2017 10:30

Actually I'd suggest that it's the people who claim that no sex after six weeks is abusive are actually the abusive ones.

LottieandMia · 15/06/2017 10:30

No, he hasn't told her. He hasn't said 'I don't like sex' he has suggested they need to wait but he hasn't said why.

It's normal for women to want to wait before having sex because men do tend to use women and move on a lot I'm sure it happens the other way too but it is much less common. You can call it sexist to say this but that's the reality of it.

I've had experience of narcissists before and some of the things the OP says ring true. It's possible he's asexual. It's possible he has issues around sex through no fault of his own but what he is doing is wrong. He's withholding the truth.

LottieandMia · 15/06/2017 10:33

'If all your relationship equals to you is sex then might I suggest you have a somewhat shallow view of the world.'

Possibly. A relationship without sex is a friendship whichever way you look at it. The OP isn't happy. If I were her I'd move on.

caffeinestream · 15/06/2017 10:33

He shouldn't need a reason. He doesn't want to rush and have sex after six weeks. "I don't want to have sex yet" is a reason.

But of course, because he's a man, he can't want to wait. He has to have issues, or be abusive, or lying, or pretending, or be controlling, or a whole host of other things.

I despair of this place sometimes. The double standards are disgusting.

WannaBe · 15/06/2017 10:35

Bollocks. It's been six weeks. Added to which they know each other previously so I'd imagine that there is an element of not wanting to jump into a sexual relationship lest it changes the dynamic between them irrevocably.

Incidentally I've been seriously ill of late and my physical relationship has, shall we say, taken a bit of a back seat because of it. I suppose I'd better give DP back his engagement ring then since according to some I'm not in a relationship if I'm not having sex.

LottieandMia · 15/06/2017 10:36

Oh FGS. It's not wrong to say you don't want to have sex, but it is wrong to waste someone's time knowing you'll never be able to give them what they need in a relationship and knowing that you are incompatible.

Some of the people on this thread are obtuse.

Demesne · 15/06/2017 10:36

Hm, I think he does sound a bit weird. He's avoiding it for some reason or another and there really aren't any good reasons.

  1. He's waiting for STD treatment to finish.
  2. He's a virgin.
  3. He has something embarrassingly wrong with him.

The jokes about having a large penis are infantile and only add to the weirdness.

Honestly? I'd just be saying "Yeah, sorry, you don't seem to be sexually attracted to me and that's kind of a part of relationships for me."

Or maybe an even more vague, though no less accurate, that your sex drives seem to be mismatched. He's clearly got a lower drive than you and isn't really all that into it. OK, maybe after you nag him you'll get 2 or 3 goes, but then it will turn into "why are you always asking for sex?" or "why do you want it all the time?" or "I'm tired" and you'll be posting a sexless relationship thread.

LottieandMia · 15/06/2017 10:37

Not having sex because you are ill is entirely different to avoiding sex and not being upfront.

caffeinestream · 15/06/2017 10:37

Why does wanting to wait longer than six weeks mean they'll be totally incompatible, or that he won't be able to give her what she wants? Confused

Demesne · 15/06/2017 10:38

"I despair of this place sometimes. The double standards are disgusting."

Not really. Men or women - If you don't want to have sex with people, don't go on dates and talk about sex on them. Join some asexual club. Specify to your dates you're looking for sexless relationships. Or uninstall Tindr. Just be open about what it is you're after.

LottieandMia · 15/06/2017 10:39

Quite, Demesme

caffeinestream · 15/06/2017 10:39

So if you don't want to have sex with someone after six weeks, you can't ever go on a date?

Not sleeping with someone after six weeks doesn't mean you want a sexless relationship Hmm

LottieandMia · 15/06/2017 10:40

Caffeine - stop being obtuse

LottieandMia · 15/06/2017 10:43

His actions clearly show that he is hiding something, whatever that is. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it but it is not a good way to begin a relationship when the other person avoids being transparent

PookieDo · 15/06/2017 10:44

I think there is a difference here that something is off.

Ok if you turn it around to be a woman who wants to wait, but she is constantly making sexual references to the size of her breasts, that she's good at sex would this not be seen as confusing?
Also added that OP had to ask him why things hadn't progressed sexually and his response was he wants to wait as he is enjoying it - fair enough but he is almost teasing her with the anticipation. This suggests they may not be very sexually compatible. Not everyone likes a long drawn out sexual tension - some people find it a turn on.

Now if they had sat down and had an open and honest talk about the sex, this would suggest his intentions are honourable and well intended, but then why does OP feel so awkward and uncomfortable about it? This suggests his response made her feel uncomfortable and confused - as it doesn't quite match up with some of his other actions.

I was quite clear to my current BF that I didn't want to have sex too soon, and why - I will feel more relaxed and enjoy it when I know you better, also I want to be sure you are the right person. So I asked him to wait with a clear explanation which I felt was fair ground for him to decide to walk away if that wasn't what he wanted.

This could be all manner of things but it's mainly a communication problem. And women are telling their version of these things happening to them, which is also fair enough.

I don't agree with jumping him but op isn't going to do that anyway

WannaBe · 15/06/2017 10:46

"it is wrong to waste someone's time knowing you'll never be able to give them what they need in a relationship and knowing that you are incompatible." and people wonder why OLD is such a hive of men who are only after the one thing..... When of course what they really need to know is whether the woman will actually be able to give them what they want and whether they're sexually compatible. Because if they haven't given out after six weeks the whole relationship is obviously doomed and they ought to move on.