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Original poster

In our 30s, he hasn't made a move, sexually frustrated lol

525 replies

Dipsy86 · 14/06/2017 14:10

Been going out with my new boyfriend for over 6 weeks. We have seen each other basically every second day since we met! (we knew each other before, he isn't a stranger, known him since we were teens). We have been on about 3 "proper" dates per week, then coffees and lots of walks in between these dates. So we have seen each other A LOT!!

We definitely have that spark, he constantly tells me how attracted he is to me. He is always holding my hands, stares into my eyes and tells me how amazing I am etc. IT is really lovely. We have kissed a lot too. He is 33, I am 31. But I am now getting extreme sexual frustration lol to the point where it is starting to bug me. There has been ample opportunity for him to "try it on" and he hasn't. He has been at my house multiple times and i often think "this will be the night" lol and it doesn't happen. Instead he will just keep kissing me. He isn't a virgin, has had previous girlfriends, even one night stands (even I haven't had a one night stand lol).

I mentioned it last week and he said "oh we have plenty time to be doing that and get to know each others bodies etc, I don't want to ruin this and am enjoying taking this slow". I then said "you won't ruin it". I am past that stage now lol, I know we are both in this for a relationship. But I am literally at the stage where I can't take it anymore and it is actually awkward now as I am like just make a move on me after 15 minutes of solid kissing.

I mentioned it to some of my friends and each of them said they thought it was really odd, how much we have seen each other and no sexual moves have been made. I do not feel confident enough to make a move on him sexually as in my experience it is usually the guy that would initiate this first. I have laid plenty hints now and he knows how I feel.

He even told me he had even been to the gum clinic last week. He said "I want to start this relationship properly". Which is really sweet and I totally respect it. However, naturally I want to rip his clothes off lol.

What are your honest thoughts on this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dipsy86 · 17/06/2017 10:43

@allinthewristaction that sounds ghastly!!!!!!! Omg

Whatever it is, I am fed up now.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 17/06/2017 10:49

BOttom line is, you've made it clear you are up for sex and he's made it clear he isn't. For me, that would be enough to turn me off and squash my interest in him. Move on.

Flyinggeese · 17/06/2017 10:50

OP I like TFPsa's comment. '

Doesn't sound too promising, I'd recommend friendzoning the guy at least until such time as he decides to try & take things further.'

Good luck OP I hope this either sorts itself out or you manage to move on and be happy either single or meet someone amazing who you can act on the chemistry with. This guy sounds quite hard work emotionally.

Phoebefromfriends · 17/06/2017 10:52

Taking your time at the start of a relationship isn't always a bad thing and can be nice to build up a relationship before jumping in the sack, I find his lack of willingness to talk about it directly without innuendo childish or possibly controlling. If you are going to have a sexual relationship with someone you should be able to talk about it without it descending into a carryon film. Add that to this weird crap about talking about the size of it and snogging you in public I think he's incredibly immature and I would avoid like the plague. I wouldn't have an issue waiting for a bit to have sex but his strange behaviour around it would drive me nuts.

theredjellybean · 17/06/2017 10:56

OP...my exdh was like this....i carried on , eventually had pretty awful sex, thought he was inexperienced...nervous...nice....married him....had ED on our honeymoon..i was too young to know what to do....we were married 20 yrs, mostly celibrate ...eventually i had an affair...we parted and my exdh ( who i am now great friends with so should be dexh) soon met someone else...a man ! and is very happy in this relationship...oh god all the red flags were there...he was in denial/wanted normal family etc

theredjellybean · 17/06/2017 10:56

OP - dont be me !

user1471545174 · 17/06/2017 11:43

Narcissistic abuse waiting to happen, or gay.

Maybe both?

Dump him now while he least expects it.

DrizzleHair · 17/06/2017 11:56

My friend went out with someone exactly as you describe, if it weren't for the ages I'd think you were actually dating him but this was a few years ago and he'd be 38ish now.

He did OTT pda, complimented her all the time, never wanted sex - always an excuse.

They finally did it after 9 months, and he dumped her the next day.

No obvious ED or micropenis, he just couldn't cope with sex for whatever reason. I think possibly he was abused and doing the deed brought back painful memories for him? Who knows, and it doesn't matter.

I hope you get a resolution either way, but be prepared to never know the reason for lack of sex

nosugarthanks · 17/06/2017 11:57

Dump him now while he least expects it.

^^This. Expect him not to accept your decision and assurances of a wonderful future together, both of which only exist in his head. It's just not working for you and you have every right to move on now.

DrizzleHair · 17/06/2017 11:57

My friend went out with someone exactly as you describe, if it weren't for the ages I'd think you were actually dating him but this was a few years ago and he'd be 38ish now.

He did OTT pda, complimented her all the time, never wanted sex - always an excuse.

They finally did it after 9 months, and he dumped her the next day.

No obvious ED or micropenis, he just couldn't cope with sex for whatever reason. I think possibly he was abused and doing the deed brought back painful memories for him? Who knows, and it doesn't matter.

I hope you get a resolution either way, but be prepared to never know the reason for lack of sex

user1471545174 · 17/06/2017 12:02

keeponrunning is right about NPD, you really need to experience it on the receiving to believe it. It's not just someone being vain or controlling or a bit of a dick, it's a parallel universe of horror.

Have RTFT now and diagnose gay, NPD or both. The public snogging is clearly in the nature of an advertisement for anyone watching. He has no interest in getting to know your body. Save yourself OP and move on.

Pawsbutton · 17/06/2017 12:07

I had this situation.

He turned out to be gay.

29Palms · 17/06/2017 12:08

"I really don't care what your personal opinion of me is. It's not even possible for me to care less actually."

LOL I clearly touched a nerve there.

forumdonkey · 17/06/2017 12:17

If it was me, I'd invite him over and make your intentions clear ;-) if he avoids or makes excuses, I'd finish it and tell him you weren't looking for a friend, you were looking for a lover.

TaggieRR · 17/06/2017 12:23

Hope you can sort it and move on OP

Itsmytemporaryname · 17/06/2017 12:24

You sound like a really nice, open and fun person OP and I think life is too short to waste on people who aren't right for you.

He wants to take his time but you don't. Simple as that. Personally I wouldn't want to be sticking around to find out what his issues are. Some of the situations on this thread are hair raising Sad

mistermagpie · 17/06/2017 12:24

This sounds a bit like my BIL. Thoroughly nice guy, bit geeky maybe but good looking, good job, lots of friends etc etc etc. He keeps meeting girls online and then having these weird sexless relationships with them. Treats them like queens otherwise but is very much asexual in their encounters.

For him, it's severe anxiety (about life in general, not just sex), not much sexual experience and a lack of ability to communicate about it. He is a good guy in general but ends up treating women badly because he acts like this about sex and intimacy. My DH has tried to speak to him about it but he (BIL) gets embarrassed and so it goes on.

Either way, he sounds just like your guy in the way he behaves. And as much as I love BIL I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him in a million years.

Oysterbabe · 17/06/2017 12:36

I had an ex like this. Turned out to be ED - death grip caused by wanking too much and too hard.

LottieandMia · 17/06/2017 12:45

29Palms - stop being goady. You were the one who called me 'nasty' for having an opinion which I'm not alone in having, clearly.

leedspirate · 17/06/2017 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HopefulHamster · 17/06/2017 13:17

My friend was in this situation. Turned out he had a MAHOOSIVE penis and sex was painful and uncomfortable. He'd obviously had relationships fail because of it before. He lived at home and never really had girlfriends. He was chatty and fun but not very sexual. My friend couldn't take it. No sex for the most part, then very uncomfortable sex!

CiliatedEpithelium · 17/06/2017 13:47

I suspect that for him, 70 - 90% of this relationship with you is in his head. I suspect he has mentally put you on a pedestal. All the PDA and wanting you to meet the parents etc. is the fantasy aspect leaking out. I suspect that you making it clear you want sex with him is actually disappointing for him as it taints the image he has of you. This may be part of the Madonna/Whore complex or it may not but I reckon do a degree, he lives in a bit of a fantasy. Whatever the reason, now you have texted what you have texted, he now knows how the land lies. On your next encounter he has to either put out or explain why in order to keep you interested. This is not a failing in you it may not actually be a failing in him. It is what it is though. The ball is in his court now.

CiliatedEpithelium · 17/06/2017 13:48

TO a degree not do a degree. You wouldn't him as your chosen subject FFS!

29Palms · 17/06/2017 15:08

LottieandMia
It was your opinion, or rather statement, that I called nasty, and I most certainly wasn't the only one to say so.

I will not be engaging with you further.

LottieandMia · 17/06/2017 15:18

You singled me out and started on me because I have an opinion. What I said is not nasty - it's a fact. Unless you're the guy's mother your attitude towards me has been quite unreasonable imo.