In our 30s, he hasn't made a move, sexually frustrated lol

[Dipsy86]

Been going out with my new boyfriend for over 6 weeks. We have seen each other basically every second day since we met! (we knew each other before, he isn't a stranger, known him since we were teens). We have been on about 3 "proper" dates per week, then coffees and lots of walks in between these dates. So we have seen each other A LOT!!

We definitely have that spark, he constantly tells me how attracted he is to me. He is always holding my hands, stares into my eyes and tells me how amazing I am etc. IT is really lovely. We have kissed a lot too. He is 33, I am 31. But I am now getting extreme sexual frustration lol to the point where it is starting to bug me. There has been ample opportunity for him to "try it on" and he hasn't. He has been at my house multiple times and i often think "this will be the night" lol and it doesn't happen. Instead he will just keep kissing me. He isn't a virgin, has had previous girlfriends, even one night stands (even I haven't had a one night stand lol).

I mentioned it last week and he said "oh we have plenty time to be doing that and get to know each others bodies etc, I don't want to ruin this and am enjoying taking this slow". I then said "you won't ruin it". I am past that stage now lol, I know we are both in this for a relationship. But I am literally at the stage where I can't take it anymore and it is actually awkward now as I am like just make a move on me after 15 minutes of solid kissing.

I mentioned it to some of my friends and each of them said they thought it was really odd, how much we have seen each other and no sexual moves have been made. I do not feel confident enough to make a move on him sexually as in my experience it is usually the guy that would initiate this first. I have laid plenty hints now and he knows how I feel.

He even told me he had even been to the gum clinic last week. He said "I want to start this relationship properly". Which is really sweet and I totally respect it. However, naturally I want to rip his clothes off lol.

What are your honest thoughts on this?

I posted to excuse his comments but I've changed my mind now. I still think he needs space and has to trust (lots of us do) but he's going about getting the latter very wrongly. Not saying he's a bad person but he seems oblivious to the idea of building trust mutually and is just showboating and stalling. You're not moving on emotionally as a couple and that's impacting everything else.

Trust happens when you both let your defenses down for each other naturally and gradually in response to each other's responses. And that is what leads to love / great sex / both.

Good luck OP, please keep us updated :)

I think this guy is a headfuck, OP.

Sorry, that's not a very constructive thing to say.

I think the lack of sex is a small part of a larger picture, and you could spend a lot of time second-guessing yourself.

It's not unreasonable to finish the relationship because his communication is crap & he isn't meeting your physical needs. These are the real deal-breakers.

@moreprosecconow I completely agree

LottieandMia...someone who can't hold down a relationship is disordered. Really?

In a way it doesn't matter what the issue is, the upshot is the same - you're unhappy! Bin him.

I think you should give him one last chance, because there have been sparks and you have liked him enough to go six weeks. If it's because he's getting treated for an std or because he's just really shy and sexually inexperienced it could all work out. I know mean and women my age(50), smart funny social...but only very limited relationship experience. Because the first one ended badly, because they are the kind of person people Iike as friends more than lovers, or just bad luck.

Invite him over, have a nice meal, sit on the couch, say, I need a cuddle...kiss and then feel his crotch, over his trousers, and see if he's Hard.

If not, well, you know he's gay or super scared. If he is, any number of things.

Then start the talk. You say we have all the time in the world to get to know each other physically but that's not working for me. I'm so frustrated now that I am getting less into you. If you can't explain to me why you want go slow then I think we should forget the relationship and just be friends. Because not knowing is doing my head in and I don't want to wait without understanding why. Do you think you can trust me enough, as a friend at least, to tell me what's going on with you, and why you want to wait, and for how long?

If he tries to change the subject ...Come back to it....Could it be that you are .....recovering from an std....afraid of sex....bisexual and not sure if you are into me.. try to be kind and loving..."if you are a virgin it's fine, I would love to be your first" " if you are confused about your sexuality don't worry, I won't judge you harshly"...stuff like that.

Personally I would really want to know what was going on and if he could open up it would be the basis of, at the very least, a good friendship. ..

I wouldn't like the idea that 'respecting' me = not having sex with me
Me neither. There's nothing disrespectful about fucking.

He shouldn't need a reason. He doesn't want to rush and have sex after six weeks. "I don't want to have sex yet" is a reason
Not really, it's a statement not a reason. A reason would be "I don't want to have sex yet because..."

what on earth is he gaining from being sweet/nice/kind to me and having no sex?
To get you to fall in love with him so that when he disappoints you sexually you're less likely to dump him. Maybe.

"we have plenty time for doing those things and getting to know each others bodies"
In what ways are you getting to know each other's bodies though if he stops at first base!? He's only exploring your mouth! It's not even just intercourse he's avoiding, it's everything bar kissing, and that seems odd. Has he even touched your clothed breasts? Squeezed your bum? Anything?

How frustrating! I'd be getting fed and turned off too by now. It sounds like everything has to be his way. It is a bit of a red flag. Id say you absolutely need to know what's going on, and if he fobs you off again I would back right off, either totally if you feel it's done, or enough to give yourself time to look at the big picture.

I reckon he's a "nice guy". Not a nice guy. A "nice guy". The type who says all the things they think every woman wants to hear, lovey dovey way too fast, want to do the romantic things from films and expect you to be like a delicate flower who is shy and coy about sex. The moment you do anything unexpected or "unladylike" they show flashes of the real them (patronising you, nasty comments etc). And every so often you get a flash of the personality they are hiding eg dick comments, weird responses to things, sexual responses when the conversation wasn't sexual. Often never had a proper relationship or one where they haven't played "nice guy".

Are you sure he's not a virgin? Because the dick talk combined with avoiding physical stuff makes me think he's all talk and he's got no experience with it regardless of the (fictional) one night stands he talks about.

29 - I really don't care what your personal opinion of me is. It's not even possible for me to care less actually. If you're that fragile about something a nameless, faceless person says on the internet maybe step away from the thread.

We all give advice on here based on our own experiences - that's not wrong! And yes I do think he sounds disordered.

Of course you can't armchair diagnose someone as an actual narcissist. I'm using that word for a disordered person who has the real potential to harm their target.

You can't understand it unless you've experienced it and been on the receiving end of it. I think everyone needs to know that these people exist to protect themselves. Otherwise it can be very hard to know what the hell is going on.

I think the real problem here is his refusal to talk about it. He's not under any obligation to do anything he doesn't want to do and, as several PPs have pointed out, some of the suggestions on this thread to force the issue are very out of order.

But most adults would appreciate that this is unusual behaviour and that their partner may very well be struggling with it. So they should be able and willing to explain what is going on. But he is just shutting down the conversation every time you bring it up, which makes me think that there is a reason that he is hiding. There are numerous suggestions on the thread for what the reason might be and I don't think it actually matters which one is right, but there is a reason and it probably isn't going to go away if it hasn't already.

I would just cut my losses at this point, because I doubt you are ever going to have satisfying sexual relationship with him. But I wouldn't be tempted to shove my hand down his pants just to satisfy the curiosity of MN about the size of his penis

Whatever the issue, the guy is clearly masking some anxiety about intimacy and/or sex.

I don't think it will miraculously improve long term. If you are able to talk with him - or should that be - if he is able to talk with you, about this - I can't see it improving down the line.

I had a similar experience although exDP was able to tell me he'd had an abusive gf who'd affected his confidence. I was sympathetic and we did initially have some good times. Thing is, it made talking about sex all on his terms, and if I ever expressed a desire or suggestion he could and did play the 'you're undermining me' card.

On reflection, there were clearly other issues - which he was never going to (take responsibilty for and) talk with me about, and it ended up with him just excluding me emotionally (and thus eventually implying it was all my fault anyway!).

Be warned OP, if it starts like this, I doubt it will improve...

Youre both over 30?! He's a virginal mummy's boy. Id have gone off the boil already but if you like him OP, give him say another month. Dont meet the parents tho. Or the puppy.

Hi op. Sorry to hear this isn't progressing naturally as you say. I had this once with a guy and it was erectile dysfunction. You seem a reasonable person and would wait if he was open and honest with you. But he isn't. That's the main problem here, lack of communication. He's ducking and diving and frankly lying by omission and it's frustrating as fuck.

This doesn't bode well for the future does it? As someone said above, you could eventually persuade him to have sex (mm sexy....) but soon it will turn into "why are you always asking for sex?" or "why do you want it all the time?" or "I'm tired" and you'll be posting a sexless relationship thread. Sorry, but on to the next.

Doesn't sound too promising, I'd recommend friendzoning the guy at least until such time as he decides to try & take things further.

I do hate people suggesting trying to diagnose someone as a narc. It's very hard to do this even if someone is a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist. You can't do it by reading stuff online. And every one of us has some narc qualities x 100! It's ridiculous how many times it's trotted out on MN.

No, it's ridiculous how closed some MNers ears are to the possibility he has NPD (as opposed to some normal degree of narcissism).
Almost all people with NPD will NEVER EVER enter the consulting room of a psychologist or psychiatrist. Why would they since in their eyes they are flawless human beings and their lives are going perfectly, riding rough-shod over others' needs to guarantee their own are met, exploiting those people's kind, trusting, normal nature.
That is why it pays BIG TIME to be alert to the signs. The urgency with which some posters urge all to be aware is because their lives have been SO screwed over after finding themselves unwittingly dragged into psychological warfare with one. And because the NPD works so hard to ensure the entanglement NEVER ENDS, even after the end of the relationship. They are desperate not to lose control of someone so useful to them.
Dismiss us as over-enthusiastic armchair psychologists at your peril.

Oh do stop being so silly. NPD is actually quite rare. Far rarer than people think and the odds of it existing the number of times MN 'diagnose' it, is not possible. Unless every woman who is in a relationship with someone with a NPD is on MN forums.

NPD is part of a spectrum of behaviour. Lots of examples on MN of NPD are just oafs being selfish.

It's the same as people jump to a diagnosis of Aspergers and ASD. Unless you are a psychiatrist or a psych stop playing at being one.

I do think it's important for women to know about the love bombing charm offensive that NPD and sociopaths in general practice, the disconnect between word and deed, etc. These are classic signs and there are others that are harder to see. These people are so toxic and so good at appearing to be exactly who you want them to be that's it's really important to be aware Helen Bailey, an author of kids books and of a book on mourning was murdered by her NPD or sociopath fiancé last year. He sounds like a textbook case and she was clueless.

@bengalGal I totally understand. What happened to helen bailey was awful.

In all honesty I don't think he's a sociopath. I've known him a long time. Gut instinct tells me gay, ed issues, lack of experience, inability to connect.

The weird snogging in public thing does sound more like one of those OP I have to say.

Re: narcissistic behaviour. It doesn't matter whether someone would be diagnosed with such a thing. As others have said people with these disorders wouldn't seek help because they see nothing wrong with their behaviour. The fact is that if someone's words and actions don't match they are generally not going to be any good for you. And people like this cause a lot of stress and chaos in other people's lives.

I was treated like this once. The problem turned out to be ED (at least with me) and an S&M porn habit.

The difference in my case that the person was an older overweight smoker with gout and PTSD, but the lovey dovey kissing and cuddling in public was just the same, plus the random excuses and blanking the issues.

When will you next have the opportunity to jump him ? I'd try and take it further and see what he does

I think in this situation OP I would dial down talking about it, don't bring it up at all&if he does side step the subject.

He could very genuinely want to wait and is perfectly well equipped and motivated or it could be a whole host of other things.

If I was really into someone I would probably want to have sex within 6 weeks certainly. But that being said when I met DH he was so painfully shy he just wouldn't make a move even to kiss me, then we eventually DTD it did not go well and he ended up embarrassed because he was so nervous and didn't get hard enough for long enough to follow it through. But we have been married for over 12 years now&(stealth brag) I have no complaints AT ALL 😉 it was definitely worth the wait!

It might be the same for this guy. But I would take the pressure off both of you by constantly discussing it, because both of you are building it up to this huge event, which it's probably not going to live up to. And, you know, there is more than one way to reach the finishing post if you're frustrated