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Original poster

In our 30s, he hasn't made a move, sexually frustrated lol

525 replies

Dipsy86 · 14/06/2017 14:10

Been going out with my new boyfriend for over 6 weeks. We have seen each other basically every second day since we met! (we knew each other before, he isn't a stranger, known him since we were teens). We have been on about 3 "proper" dates per week, then coffees and lots of walks in between these dates. So we have seen each other A LOT!!

We definitely have that spark, he constantly tells me how attracted he is to me. He is always holding my hands, stares into my eyes and tells me how amazing I am etc. IT is really lovely. We have kissed a lot too. He is 33, I am 31. But I am now getting extreme sexual frustration lol to the point where it is starting to bug me. There has been ample opportunity for him to "try it on" and he hasn't. He has been at my house multiple times and i often think "this will be the night" lol and it doesn't happen. Instead he will just keep kissing me. He isn't a virgin, has had previous girlfriends, even one night stands (even I haven't had a one night stand lol).

I mentioned it last week and he said "oh we have plenty time to be doing that and get to know each others bodies etc, I don't want to ruin this and am enjoying taking this slow". I then said "you won't ruin it". I am past that stage now lol, I know we are both in this for a relationship. But I am literally at the stage where I can't take it anymore and it is actually awkward now as I am like just make a move on me after 15 minutes of solid kissing.

I mentioned it to some of my friends and each of them said they thought it was really odd, how much we have seen each other and no sexual moves have been made. I do not feel confident enough to make a move on him sexually as in my experience it is usually the guy that would initiate this first. I have laid plenty hints now and he knows how I feel.

He even told me he had even been to the gum clinic last week. He said "I want to start this relationship properly". Which is really sweet and I totally respect it. However, naturally I want to rip his clothes off lol.

What are your honest thoughts on this?

OP posts:
AguacateMaduro · 16/06/2017 18:32

Blimey. I haven't been in a relationship for ten years. I have tried but it's never felt right and sensibly I've walked away

AguacateMaduro · 16/06/2017 18:35

I can't believe we're still coming up with this attitude. I have liked people and they haven't liked me back, at least not enough to commit to me. I was told to lower my standards on another thread half an hour ago. I'm surprised tbh. I would have thought mumsnet was a 'safe place' where people understood that not having been in a relationship for a decade (or however long) might just mean that you haven't met the right person, aren't meeting enough people, find it hard to connect with somebody who values a relationship with you..........

ASDismynormality · 16/06/2017 18:43

I'm cynical and would assume he has an outbreak of herpes and is waiting for it to settle.

Hope all goes well tonight.

LottieandMia · 16/06/2017 18:43

'What a thoughtless and judgemental comment. Some people are single through sheer bad luck.

I've been dating for seven years, doing all sorts to meet someone and it just hasn't happened.'

Yes, of course people can be single through bad luck. I'm willing to bet you've had a relationship at some point though? Which this guy most likely hasn't since ten years ago he would have been about 20.

It's not just the lack of relationship alone. There is a bigger picture evident here.

Lanaorana2 · 16/06/2017 18:43

He hasn't has a relationship for TEN years.

What that tells you is that he's not prepared to live in an inertia relationship, or that he doesn't meet many people, or that he really likes you. All of which are really quite good things.

LottieandMia · 16/06/2017 18:51

I don't think anyone should lower their standards- that's the point isn't it. You know when you've met someone and it feels right. When they're doing something odd and shifty then that's not what you deserve and it's not what the OP deserves.

It's just disingenuous to say that his behaviour is in any way chivalrous.

Ohyesiam · 16/06/2017 19:07

He sound frightened to me. Lots of bravado to cover up who he is. He wants you to meet his Mum because she is probably desperate for him to go out with a "nice girl".
He could be gay, and very closeted. Or physical problems.
My question to him would be , do you fancy men. And of tell him his the Plenty of Time isn't working for me.

Flyinggeese · 16/06/2017 19:13

OP I'd be inclined to distance myself a bit from him, could you maybe see each other much less frequently, cool it off a bit? This would give you proper thinking time.

It might also prompt him to confide the issue to you.

Having said that me and my partner waited longer than 6 weeks before sex, but he wasn't making off comments like yours is right now.

If you had to go with your gut instinct, what would you say is the issue with him?

Original poster
Dipsy86 · 16/06/2017 19:21

@flyinggeese I have absolutely NO idea what the issue is.

We probably would be better off as friends.

OP posts:
DixieFlatline · 16/06/2017 19:22

His comments made me think of Madonna/Whore as well.

AdalindSchade · 16/06/2017 19:30

It makes me think of the guys you meet online dating who only want to sext and talk a good game about how hot the sex will be but they don't want to meet you in real life. I suspect men like that have performance issues of some kind and would rather live in a fantasy world where they are awesome studs than reality where sex doesn't go as they would want.

ddssdd · 16/06/2017 19:35

I once knew a guy like this, swept me off my feet..the love poems, love-bombing, how he couldn't wait to make love to me, constant text contact, pouring out his heart.. (bleugh). This went on for months. I remember one time we were kissing passionately and I asked him if we should dtd. There was always an excuse.

Months later, the night came when we would finally do it, he had condoms with him...Sounds promising?!

It wasn't. He had ed and a very small manhood. Now, before anyone jumps on me, I just don't like the way he behaved. I felt tricked. He'd had ED for years and didn't want to tell me? But bought condoms, knowing that they wouldn't be used? Confused

I'm not saying your bloke is like this. But in this case, things didn't add up and I eventually found out why.

ThanksMsMay · 16/06/2017 19:42

even if this is a micro penis/ ED situation don't you think it's interesting he has no interest whatsoever in any other options. HEs talking a big game but clearly he only sees penetration (and what he can get out of it) as sex worth doing.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 16/06/2017 19:43

Is he religious OP? Sorry someone may have asked this already, saying that if he was religious enough to want to wait until marriage, then I would expect him to have shared his faith with you. I do think that after kissing passionately for fifteen minutes it should be obvious how much he wants you. If his body is not reacting like that then I can't blame you for being concerned! Although it does sound like he is holding back for some reason, I think I would have to ask 'Do you find me sexually attractive'.....

LottieandMia · 16/06/2017 19:58

The issue here is NOT that's it's in any way strange or weird to want to wait however long for sex. I'm not saying that is weird in itself.

The issue is that this mans talk and actions are mismatched and suggest he is being dishonest and trying to hoodwink the OP. Normal people would be upfront about their reasons for wanting to not have sex yet because that's what a relationship is built on - honestly and transparency. Not, lies, manipulation and out of sync actions that don't add up.

I do think that the OP should read up on narc type behaviour. It's something you can never understand or know the extent of until you're forced to because most normal people wouldn't even think of these things. I am not saying this guy is a narc, but it's a possibility.

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 16/06/2017 20:14

I agree that the red flag here is the mismatch between not wanting sex, yet deliberately winding OP up by talking about it - and his dick, and his performance - all the time.

OP, I have dated (briefly) the sort of narcissist described here. In fact he once referred to himself as a "clit tease" and said he got as much of a kick out of knowing a woman was desperate to have sex with him and withholding sex as he did out of actually having sex. They are (mercifully) rare, but they do exist.

Not saying your partner is like this - it's one possibility out of many (which have been detailed upthread - virgin, erectile dysfunction, waiting for STD treatment, etc). But whatever the reason, you and he do not sound well matched - I'd say, born of long experience, move on now before your head gets totally screwed up by the situation.

arsenaltilidie · 16/06/2017 20:22

If a person has been single for 10yrs but they are not a single parent then there is probably something wrong with them."

OP your bloke either suffers from he ED or has a Small penis.

Bestseller2017 · 16/06/2017 20:28

When are you seeing him next op and what are your plans? This situation can't go on indefinitely can it.

LottieandMia · 16/06/2017 20:34

What concerned me is that the OP said initially that this guy has a very sparky connection with her but that obviously isn't sexual chemistry.

I was once completely swept off my feet by a narcissist- I thought he was wonderful. He used to ring me every single night and spend hours on the phone. In the end I learned his true nature sadly.

Original poster
Dipsy86 · 16/06/2017 20:49

I honestly have no idea what to do next. I think the best thing I could do is ask him outright if there is a problem? Then explain to him that this just isn't working.

There was definitely a spark at the start but to be honest it's been drowned out by frustration and confusion now.

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 16/06/2017 21:13

I do hate people suggesting trying to diagnose someone as a narc. It's very hard to do this even if someone is a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist. You can't do it by reading stuff online. And every one of us has some narc qualities.

OP I think you need to engineer a date where you can talk. Diner, drinks whatever.

Be totally honest. Say there is a mismatch between his words and his actions. Ask about his previous relationships- 10 years ago- and how long he waited then.

Tell him his behaviour is confusing and you feel you are not happy to carry on this way.

I'd not ask him if he's gay or a virgin because he will lie. Ask questions so he will open up, if you can.

Original poster
Dipsy86 · 16/06/2017 21:25

@pollyperky thank you. I will definitely speak to him about this. If I get the jokey closed answers again and subject changing then I'm just going to call it a day.

OP posts:
M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 16/06/2017 21:26

Polly's right - you need to ask him to talk. But before you do, have a think about what your line in the sand is. Because it is possible that he may refuse point blank to talk about it. So you need to be clear in your own mind what you want to do in that eventuality (resign yourself to no sex, or eventual sex, but possibly of low quality, or prepare yourself to walk away from the situation - the choice is yours, but but don't let yourself be wrong-footed if he refuses to talk).

Incidentally, just because a man hasn't had a relationship for 10 years, this doesn't make them damaged goods! I work in a very geeky environment, and I have a number of utterly lovely but very shy male friends who haven't dated in all the time I've known them (15 years or so) for a variety of reasons from shyness and social awkwardness, through simply not doing hobbies which bring them into contact with women, to one (lovely and quite attractive) guy who I suspect may have been subject to domestic abuse in the only longish-relationship he's ever had, way back in his twenties. I'm sure some of them, if they happened to meet the right woman, would make lovely partners.

My worry about this guy is I don't think he's either being honest with you in what he says, or behaving honestly. (Like I said, it's the mismatch between "oh no, no sex so soon" and "I've got a big dick and I'm brilliant." If he really means it when he says the former, he shouldn't be saying the latter).

ddssdd · 16/06/2017 22:03

It seems to me he's getting off on the fact that you are 'gagging' for it with no actual real intention of sleeping with you (imo).

29Palms · 16/06/2017 22:07

" 'He hasn't has a relationship for TEN years.' This tells you everything you need to know. People who don't or can't have relationships for this amount of time usually have something wrong with them. An inability to hold down a relationship is an indicator of a disordered person."

LottieandMia
Nasty, nasty thing to say.
Tells me quite a lot about you, however much you've tried to backtrack.