In our 30s, he hasn't made a move, sexually frustrated lol

[Dipsy86]

Been going out with my new boyfriend for over 6 weeks. We have seen each other basically every second day since we met! (we knew each other before, he isn't a stranger, known him since we were teens). We have been on about 3 "proper" dates per week, then coffees and lots of walks in between these dates. So we have seen each other A LOT!!

We definitely have that spark, he constantly tells me how attracted he is to me. He is always holding my hands, stares into my eyes and tells me how amazing I am etc. IT is really lovely. We have kissed a lot too. He is 33, I am 31. But I am now getting extreme sexual frustration lol to the point where it is starting to bug me. There has been ample opportunity for him to "try it on" and he hasn't. He has been at my house multiple times and i often think "this will be the night" lol and it doesn't happen. Instead he will just keep kissing me. He isn't a virgin, has had previous girlfriends, even one night stands (even I haven't had a one night stand lol).

I mentioned it last week and he said "oh we have plenty time to be doing that and get to know each others bodies etc, I don't want to ruin this and am enjoying taking this slow". I then said "you won't ruin it". I am past that stage now lol, I know we are both in this for a relationship. But I am literally at the stage where I can't take it anymore and it is actually awkward now as I am like just make a move on me after 15 minutes of solid kissing.

I mentioned it to some of my friends and each of them said they thought it was really odd, how much we have seen each other and no sexual moves have been made. I do not feel confident enough to make a move on him sexually as in my experience it is usually the guy that would initiate this first. I have laid plenty hints now and he knows how I feel.

He even told me he had even been to the gum clinic last week. He said "I want to start this relationship properly". Which is really sweet and I totally respect it. However, naturally I want to rip his clothes off lol.

What are your honest thoughts on this?

Sounds like he is small down below.

@pollyperky I agree with that theory! However, if this is the case? what on earth is he gaining from being sweet/nice/kind to me and having no sex? He isn't getting money off me, he isn't getting adoration as I am not giving him attention the way I did at the start as I feel it is getting awkward now. So what would be the purpose of this?

I wonder .... could the one night stands really have been, er, paid for?

I think you need to ask him. But my bet is he is inadequate in some way sexually (inexperienced or with ED or whatever) but he likes women and being close to someone. Or he is gay and hopes that the more he gets to know you the more chance there is of overcoming his gayness and perhaps having sex just now and then, to keep the relationship ticking over.

If all you have done is kiss, with no hands over clothes fondling (does he touch your breasts over clothes?) and he doesn't want to, then that is odd.

You may have heard of the Madonna Whore syndrome - he could have that.

Sorry it's from Wiki but it's a summary.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complex

No relationship for 10 years would be a warning sign for me.

Something about "plenty of time for getting to know each other's bodies" doesn't sit quite right either.

He might be gay.

You can't communicate with him because his communication is odd and makes you feel uneasy. Like with all the flattery and love bombing.

When this happened to me I think it was a lot about ego. There are some people who feel a lot safer inside a fantasy than a reality. Sex in real life is hot and heavy and has emotional strings attached to it (in this case), whereas just imagining it is safer and less hard work. And less chance of rejection. I think he really wants to know he has you hooked on him and to him, that is more important than a physical relationship. Whereas you want both physical and emotional intimacy he is only offering you one of them. All the flattery is at odds with his behaviour and is making you uncomfortable. I honestly do not think you are suited or compatible

I meant to add that really, he is prioritising his own needs over yours. When I am with someone I try to meet theirs and mine, and hope that means we have the same mutual feelings and goals. I'm not talking about just sex but listening to what the other person is saying and taking it on board - so if he came to me repeatedly with the same questions, I would take the time to reassure and explain. This guy wants only what he wants and doesn't seem to really grasp what you need/want. Hence saying a lot of things he thinks you want to hear instead of what is really important. And talking about himself in a strange way, almost like he is trying to convince himself he is someone he isn't

'He hasn't has a relationship for TEN years.'

This tells you everything you need to know. People who don't or can't have relationships for this amount of time usually have something wrong with them. An inability to hold down a relationship is an indicator of a disordered person. Unless they have a good reason like they're a carer and have huge demands on their time.

This person is not a catch imo. If there's one thing that indicates future behaviour accurately it's past behaviour. And the odds of you two living happily ever after don't appear to be that great do they?

It's one thing to be 'getting to know each other's bodies', taking things slowly, building up intimacy.

It's quite another to completely avoid getting to know your body or have you connect with his, and fob you off with weird sexual banter and innuendo.

@Pollyperky - wow that theory was an eye opener for me and something I have never heard about before! I am genuinely shocked by it. I have no idea if this is what he is displaying. If he is then wow this is effed up.

@Pookiedo - I really agree with this. This is some great advice and from a good all round perspective. It is all on his terms and he doesn't seem to be bothered about how I am feeling.

Sometimes he will be a bit inappropriate such as we are walking and he will stop and ask if he can kiss me. In a public place, then totally snog the face off me but not in a natural manner, like you are walking along and still walking but smooching. No, he stops and turns to me and snogs me. Then when I try to pull away out of embarassment at the non natural PDA, he will basically do it again. Then I have to stop for air, and then I just cringe. It is very un natural.

It reminds me of being 15 again when you are snogging random guys from school at the under 18 disco and you stop and just snog then walk away from each other afterwards, wiping your face LOL I am literally talking myself out of this whole relationship today. Just reading all of these responses is making me think why should I continue this, if it is this difficult it is not meant to be.

It doesn't sound right to me.

The odd snogging behaviour in public
No relationship for 10 years - thay would be a deal breaker for me
Poor communication skills
Inappropriate talk about his penis
Did you say he lives with his mum - odd st that age.

I think you are wasting too much energy on him. Are you sure he isn't married? I think you need to move on. You don't need a friend.

@hellothereitsme he is definitely not married. We live in the same area and it is a relatively small community.

He stays with his mum
He has a dog/pup who apparently shares his bed (no joke). That rang alarms for me as my immunity is so low that having a dog in bed etc is a big no no! I have a dog, cat and bird and they all have their own beds lol, I can share the couch with the dog because i can wipe it down etc! But no way will I have the dog in bed.

He hasn't even talked about potentially moving. He said he has been saving for a mortgage.

You said you have known him for ages but not as a boyfriend.
Does his odd behaviour affect all his other relationships? Does he have friends? Have you met them? Would they give you any insight into what they see? Do you have mutual friends you could confide in?

What kind of work does he do? Can he relate to people day to day professionally?

All this street snogging sounds as if he's playing a part but not actually feeling it or taking on board your emotions - as if he's doing what he thinks people should do, or are expected to do.

@pollyperky - we knew each other since school. He has friends, a lot of them are "macho" guys, some are married some are complete male sl**s and into drugs at the weekends (not my scene at all). However, he has clearly states he isn't into that.

He is a builder. So a lot of the work I suppose is with guys on the working sites.

I agree, it is like he doesn't have a clue!

Yes the snogging is what you do when you are teenagers before you have discovered sex.

Oh dear, it's not going well. Now he's making you cringe. Please don't meet his parents yet OP. Although on the other hand that might provide some answers.

I think you know in your heart that this is not going anywhere.

Whether you end it now with no more fuss or whether you confront him and ask whether he is gay, a virgin, has issues with his body, is your choice.

No doubt he would deny all of those.

I don't think he's going to change and even if you do eventually DTD I suspect it will be a case of 'duty' on his behalf.

I guess if he works in a very macho environment ( we all know the language of builders) he must find it hard to admit to himself and others if he's gay, asexual, bisexual, or has body issues. Feel sorry for him, really.

I know, whatever the reason may be it is a shame for him.

haven't you made a move? He then said, YET again (eye roll), "we have plenty time for doing those things and getting to know each others bodies". He then changed the subject back again to flattery and started talking about how much he loves my company, how I make him laugh etc!

The person who wants to go slower sets the pace BUT they can at least discuss the pace with you so you know if you want to wait! Is plenty of time 7 weeks or 7 months? Marriage?

At this point I'd be very direct and say I don't thibi this is working as even if he eventually fucks your di you want to be in a long term relationship with someone you have to beg for sex?

@ThanksMsMay I completely agree! I do not think it is working either.

He sounds creepy, tbh. Those texts made me shudder.

There is no reason why you can't carry a friendship on with him, if he's genuinely good company and nice. Maybe he's just meant to be in your life in a different way??

He hasn't has a relationship for TEN years. This tells you everything you need to know. People who don't or can't have relationships for this amount of time usually have something wrong with them.

What a thoughtless and judgemental comment. Some people are single through sheer bad luck.

I've been dating for seven years, doing all sorts to meet someone and it just hasn't happened.

There's nothing 'wrong' with me - I've had relationships in the past, have friends, a good job, etc. I just haven't met anyone I wanted to be in a relationship with, where they felt the same.

Good luck OP. Sorry this has been such a tortured experience for you.