In our 30s, he hasn't made a move, sexually frustrated lol

[Dipsy86]

Been going out with my new boyfriend for over 6 weeks. We have seen each other basically every second day since we met! (we knew each other before, he isn't a stranger, known him since we were teens). We have been on about 3 "proper" dates per week, then coffees and lots of walks in between these dates. So we have seen each other A LOT!!

We definitely have that spark, he constantly tells me how attracted he is to me. He is always holding my hands, stares into my eyes and tells me how amazing I am etc. IT is really lovely. We have kissed a lot too. He is 33, I am 31. But I am now getting extreme sexual frustration lol to the point where it is starting to bug me. There has been ample opportunity for him to "try it on" and he hasn't. He has been at my house multiple times and i often think "this will be the night" lol and it doesn't happen. Instead he will just keep kissing me. He isn't a virgin, has had previous girlfriends, even one night stands (even I haven't had a one night stand lol).

I mentioned it last week and he said "oh we have plenty time to be doing that and get to know each others bodies etc, I don't want to ruin this and am enjoying taking this slow". I then said "you won't ruin it". I am past that stage now lol, I know we are both in this for a relationship. But I am literally at the stage where I can't take it anymore and it is actually awkward now as I am like just make a move on me after 15 minutes of solid kissing.

I mentioned it to some of my friends and each of them said they thought it was really odd, how much we have seen each other and no sexual moves have been made. I do not feel confident enough to make a move on him sexually as in my experience it is usually the guy that would initiate this first. I have laid plenty hints now and he knows how I feel.

He even told me he had even been to the gum clinic last week. He said "I want to start this relationship properly". Which is really sweet and I totally respect it. However, naturally I want to rip his clothes off lol.

What are your honest thoughts on this?

This is exactly what I thought was going on, and having experienced it myself with a man, it is so confusing so I have sympathy for you.
It really makes you feel not quite good enough and confused.

When I don't feel ready to have sex with someone I don't tease them with sexual banter. It is ODD

When I don't feel ready to have sex with someone I don't tease them with sexual banter. It is ODD yes, exactly!

I think he is a total con artist.
I doubt he's been the the GUM clinic.
I don't think he is playing games or is anything 'bad'.

I do think he is terrified of sex, either because he's had some bad experience(s) where perhaps he was ridiculed, or he was unable to perform, or he is not straight.

The reason he wants you to meet his parents - and prolong the 'no sex' status is he thinks that the closer you become emotionally, the harder it will be for you to dump him when the sex goes wrong, or doesn't happen much. He's wanting you to become attached to him emotionally as a kind of insurance to the rubbish sex.

Poor guy- I feel sorry for him (and you.)

If you split which seems likely, do suggest he either goes for counselling /psychotherapy or whatever because I'm convinced he's got issues or physically something isn't right.

@Brahms3rdracket seriously why do you have to be so rude? I have asked the question because I clearly like the guy and have been falling for him. Then recently we encountered this problem.

I honestly can't get over how many nasty folk are on here. Literally waiting to drag others down at any given opportunity!!!!

Whereas you've been so kind to the guy you're supposed to be so keen on. You have said you'll dump him if he doesn't sleep with you and he's now boring you

Maybe some people (I think we know who) would have no sexual stirings, even after 20 dates and lots of snogging with a hot guy, who is full of inuendo about his big dick. I guess such people do exist. It wouldn't be for me. I'd actually be punching the wall with frustration by now.

At least by his bantz, we know he hasn't got a micro penis. That would be the biggest let down going, to keep telling you it was big, only to whip out a chipolata.

Of course she can dump him, if there is no sex. Only an a-sexual person would think that no sex is not a deal breaker

@huskylover1 that made me laugh!!!!

@Pollyperky - I completely agree. I have to admit I haven't had many sexual partners as I have had three long term relationships over the past 12 years. I have experienced the same, guys who are well endowed always play it down or don't even mention it. He has literally given me measurements and I initially was laughing at thinking it was funny. Then after a while I said I don't actually believe you as it seemed rather far fetched those measurements!
I totally agree, I actually feel as though he has a lot of these adolescent boy traits.

LAST NIGHT - I asked him out right when we were texting, I said , can I ask you a personal question and he said yes of course. I asked if he had a low sex drive. He said no, not at all. Then asked why? I said I just wondered as there has been no "intimacy" whatsoever. He said to me - oh are you waiting for me making a move? (cringe). He then asked me what my sex drive is like. I said - very high. He then said "you're a keeper". I was puzzled and then I said well why haven't you made a move? He then said, YET again (eye roll), "we have plenty time for doing those things and getting to know each others bodies". He then changed the subject back again to flattery and started talking about how much he loves my company, how I make him laugh etc!

He is like the true gent that most women want, being really sweet and really kind etc. But is avoiding intimacy like the plague!

@huskylover1 - can we be friends haha? you sound like my kind of girl to go out for a wine with haha

@brahms3rdracket I did not say I would dump him if he wouldn't sleep with me. Seriously I am not that unreasonable. I would just like an inclination as to why the relationship isn't progressing "naturally". Something isn't sitting right with me, a gut instinct maybe?

I am getting bored of sitting doing the same thing each time and him kissing me for 15 minutes etc which naturally makes me feel as though I want more, because I am human and kissing usually is the beginning of foreplay???

I also have a long term illness (rheumatoid arthritis and ulcerative colitis) I don't "look" sick but physically I am exhausted a lot of the time. So sometimes for me sitting all night in a coffee shop chatting is difficult. When I'd rather just go back to mine, sit on my couch with my feet up and have a chat with him.

That's not an answer though is it?
When he said 'we have plenty of time' you could have said 'I'm ready to get intimate now, are you?' And if he said no then ask him why!

Why are you sitting in a coffee shop all evening? Why are you not having a night in at yours?

Nothing wrong with my sexual stirrings thanks huskylover. I just think some of the comments here are ridiculous. It has nothing to do with my sex drive. Everyone is told on MN that they don't have to do anything they don't want, unless they're a man.

that conversation is weird too. You couldn't have made it clearer that you are ready and wondering why he isn't and he is giving you a stock answer.

@adalindSchade - I agree, it was not an answer. As he keeps changing the subject, I have gathered that me asking him such questions is possibly making him uncomfortable. I just think these things should flow naturally. In my last relationships it flowed very naturally.

Sometimes I don't think I am quite over my ex. The chemistry we had at the start, and throughout , was electric!!!!! We couldn't keep away from each other and were literally glued together for months. We couldn't get enough of each others bodies. That ended badly in the end as he had a problem with gambling and i ended up heartbroken. Which then led me into singledom again and meeting the new guy.

@Bestseller2017 initially it was a change of scenery and we both like this place, then recently when it has been coffee at mine he is sitting at the other end of the couch!

The point is, he is not interested in how taking all this time makes you feel. It's obviously making you feel rejected, confused, disengaged and bored.

Understandably.

Even if he's a lovely guy who just wants to wait, how he's dealing with it is controlling. He doesn't sound open to real communication. All these long nights of chatting sound entirely on HIS terms. He isn't listening to you.

I agree with Adalind, you are letting him get away with changing the conversation. In person it can be hard, but surely over text you can continue it even when he's trying to change it???

Is he aware of your health conditions? If he is maybe he's worried about hurting you. You need to be telling him straight that you're tired out and would like to be at home rather than in a naff coffee shop.

I'm always baffled at the people who want to have sex with someone, but aren't able to talk about it first. Same as with teens who are having sex but too embarrassed to buy condoms... Seems backwards to me. DP and I talked through things before we did them. Otherwise how do you discover what each other likes and wants to try?

I think you just need to make a move and see what happens. The longer you leave it, the more awkward it might become when you do eventually have sex because it will have been built up so much.

Him saying you are a keeper doesn't ring true at all. It's what a manly man is 'supposed' to say but if he had a high sex drive he would be all over you.

Wrt the comment up thread, of COURSE the op can dump him if he won't have sex with her

I'd have dropped him like a hot potato already,I'm an adult and I'm not interested in a relationship with no sex from the word go plus infantile comments about penis sizes. He sounds 12!!

Yep I agree with you all. Something isn't right. He knows about my illness, he knows it doesn't affect my sex drive and that he won't hurt me.

I am usually a very good communicator and I do feel communicating with him at times, especially about these things are quite difficult. Which does make me think we are possibly incompatible.

He's definitely hiding something. There can be no other explanation.

He is like the true gent that most women want, being really sweet and really kind etc. But is avoiding intimacy like the plague!

Yes, he's perfected it hasn't he?
Can you see that this behaviour has been developed to be a substitute for intimacy? To make you hang around? I don't mean he's been cynical about it but more he's developed that side of her personality as compensation.

Ok. I think this is doomed. Men don't go around telling women the measurements of their cocks. Not as this guy is.

BUT I think you could have one try at playing him at his game.
Ask him what it means to 'get to know you better'. Ask him how long he thinks it will be before he knows you well enough to have sex. I suspect he will say he doesn't know, and it's all about feelings. So give him some options: a week, a month, 6 months (not really, just to test him)

See what he says.

Then in your own mind give all of this a deadline. If I were you I'd say 2 more dates. One date to talk to him openly about it all and a 2nd date to see if anything has changed.

If it hasn't, end it.

"Yes we have plenty of time and I would like that time to start now"