Husband left me but still wants a sexual relationship but i still love him, help

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My husband left me around 6 weeks ago, I have added a screenshot of my post detailing the situation, we have been together 11 years (since we were 15 and 16) married for 8 and have a 5 and 7 year old together please read if you can it will make more sense to the rest of this .

Following the events in the previous post, we are now at a point where he is back living with us while he finds a place of his own to move out to, I and the kids have enjoyed having him around as it's felt like normal before he left and he has been sleeping with me consistanly since he's been home, I have tried everything to make him see how good it is with us at home and make him want to stay but he just doesn't. He reminds me all the time he's now single and makes jokes out of it which really hurt me.
He sends me very mixed signals as he knows how I desperately want him back despite what he's done and how he's acted but he tells me it's not what he wants and he wouldn't be happy coming back to a relationship but then 2 days ago he texted me and asked if I would go on a date with him, I said yes and then he txt saying don't label it, no boyfriend or girlfriend stuff it's just a date..
So we went on the date for dinner and had a nice time.. we came home and he was saying we'll always be friends yeah and I said no, you either want me or you don't and he replied I do want you, I want your body...
And that it's much better now were just friends (I don't feel this way I love and miss my husband and want him back as that again)
Once we got home he also said if we are going to carry on a sexual relationship I need to go on some contraception (we always used the pull out method) and I said why that's been good enough the last few years and he said yeah we were together then.. I got really upset and said this isn't sustainable, he said so you don't want to be my sex buddy then, ok I'll respect your wishes...
I'm in pieces because i love him I always have and he's treating me like he really doesn't care how I feel. I have sex with him because it's all I have left to cling onto but after a nice date and that talk I turned over and cried while he slept.. I know if I carry on he will just do it with me until he meets someone else then throw me to the kerb and he said to me he's happy to be my sex buddy until I meet someone else but I just want my life and husband back I don't want to meet someone else but I can't change his mind and I really thought when he asked me out it was going in a good direction but he has no intention of wanting to get back with me, I'm so so lost :( thanks for any help/advice x

He probably doesn't even know himself, OP (re. date night), so us second guessing is pointless.

Tell him no. Tell him that obviously you're very sad, but it is his choice and you need to find a way to get through it. It would be preferable if he found somewhere else to start living this single life of his, so you can build your strength and build a routine and life without him. If it's not possible in the short term, then while he is sorting somewhere else to live then so be it - but by Christ, don't be doing his washing, cook for him, and certainly don't sleep with him. If there is no choice but to share a bed, tell him to keep his hands (and anything else) to himself.

Tell him that YOU are going out next Saturday and he is looking after his children. Do yourself up and go out with friends. If that isn't possible, do yourself up and go out anywhere, and don't come home till later.

All I really see is he will find someone else who will literally have what was my life, he'll be the lovely guy he was again to her

But he's not such a nice guy right now, is he? So you'll know that this part of his personality will be lurking in the background, whoever he ends up with. I'd never trust him again - knowing that he could walk out on years of marriage and his family for the sake of a shag. That's the reality of what someone else would sign up to - I wouldn't envy them to be honest.

while still having the children half the time (which he loves) and he'll be soo happy ... and I'll be left sad lonely and broken and that's the reality I'm scared of

Firstly, you don't know that he'd be happy. Secondly there is nothing to say that you'll be sad, lonely and broken. It's perfectly normal to feel this way right now, but you'll get past this and it will get better. I know it seems completely unbelievable right now but one day you will be able to think about him and feel...nothing. In fact he won't cross your mind. You'll be happy and getting on with your life and it's perfectly possible that you'll meet someone else and be blissful with them - maybe even with another child or two?

The point is that you don't know what the future holds, but trust me when I say that this man is not the keeper of your eternal happiness. It sucks right now but in 3 months it will be easier, in 6 months it will be better still and in a year it's possible that you'll be happy in a way that feels completely unachievable right now.

Um lucky him!
You do it as soon as you can, and drop dead gorgeous remember - give him a run for his money for a change.
OP, I know this is absolutely devastating for you, and my heart goes out to you it really does, but there is a BUT, despite your whole world being shattered, you are so so young, and really the world is still your oyster.
Unfortunately there is no magical fast forward button, you have to go through all the upset and misery, but you will get there in time.
Big hugs xx

Op I am honestly shaking my head here, your wanker of a husband is being unbelievably disrespectful of you, if you don't get out of this situation you will never regain your self respect! It sounds like he has been controlling and emotionally abusive, you are so used to this that you need him there to control you, it's almost like you miss it. But all you are doing is writing your daughters future relationships. Your children will eventually lose respect for you too....

Pack his bags and tell him to leave, if he tries it on again tell him no, you don't get to use your wife as a sex toy. You are still his wife, you are the Mother of his children, the fact he is treating you this way, shows a narcissistic side to him that is cruel, manipulative and evil. He was cruel in taking your children out to play happy families with the ow, your poor children must be so confused. You are not helping here! If you wont respect yourself, please respect your children, don't let him mess up their little heads!

My guess is he was your first, but you know what, you are young, you have plenty time to meet someone. Please think of where he was sticking his cock before letting him near you! I am willing to bet that if the shoe was on the other foot he would hate your having sex with other men. Especially if he was your first!
Please stop thinking of him as the loving husband/ best friend. I wouldn't treat a dog with the disrespect he has shown you! The man/ boy you married is no more, if what he was saying is true then he may never have been that man! He has been living a lie, deceiving you and I would not be surprised if he has been cheating on you for years. He needs to leave, you need to stop any contact other than texts to arrange visitation for the children. If you can, ask a friend/ family member to be there to arrange contact. You need to see this man for what he is, a manipulative, cruel, cheating, using bas*d! He is not your friend, he is your enemy and you need to protect yourself from him! You and your children deserve better! The only good thing in this situation is that you are married, that means there is no his or yours, you will be entitled to a share of the house, the only reason he could work to pay the mortgage was because you were at home looking after both of your children. Please see a solicitor and listen to the lovely posters who have been where won are

PaulDacresFeministConscience thank you, I needed to read that x

Op

You want your husband to see what he is missing yet you let him return to a scent that he was not missing and wanted to escape from

There's talk about respect here but you don't respect yourself so why do you think your husband will respect you?

What you need to do with urgency is: tell your dh that you want him out ASAP as in tonight.

You want xxxxxx child maintenance per month

You want him to take the children overnight at the weekend.

Tell him the marital assets - you'll be seeking legal advice

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he must not contact you unless it is through your lawyer.

^^^^^

Do that and then you might stand a chance of him coming back but stop being a doormat.

Pull yourself together or continue to fall apart whilst this man runs rings around you and treats you absolutely appallingly.

And since you are married it does not matter who's name the house is in its at least half yours.

Get a babysitter tonight and go enjoy yourself

Scene not scent

Rescuepuppydaft2 i was 15 and he was 16 when we met and became an item, we weren't each other's first sexual partners but of course bring that young our first long real relationship x

Dear OP. PLEASE read *LyingWitch's post up thread.

You sound like such a nice woman. However you are people pleasing your way into an impossible situation here.

If you want your DH back, and it seems you do, then you need to do a 180 turn in how you're thinking and acting. Let him go. Tell him you want a divorce. Show no interest in him. Lead a completely separate life to him - go out with your friends, appear to be having the time of your life as a newly single woman. Get your hair done, send yourself some flowers...anything to make him wonder where the old you has gone ... and who is this exciting new woman?

My advice is probably old fashioned and not popular but currently you're giving him a cake, putting jam on top of it, adding icing and cream and then feeding it to him..there is no mystery about you, you just appear desperate to him and that's unattractive.

You need to cut the ties to him, do not engage with him and make him miss you. And wonder about you. And fall in love with you again.

QuiteLikely5
I understand what you're saying, we have been getting along well recently and I don't really want to rock the boat too much as saying those things to him, he will get volatile I don't know if you've read the original post gives an idea of what i mean, he has a short fuse, he's never ever been physically abusive or hit me at all but instances where ive disagreed with him about the divorce/house etc he becomes very angry and has told me to fuck off out of his house/ piss off and hung up on phone calls etc but again before this all happened he'd never speak to me like that x

Oh God op - he sounds worse and worse every time you post!

Oh Op I can't add much more to the wise words of others, except to reiterate that yes, he is using you and it must hurt you like hell.
Horrible man.
Anyone who can suggest being 'sex buddies' after that many years of marriage and kids is a c*nt.
Sounds like he is having a serious midlife crisis.
Please, please confide in somebody you trust and get him out of your home.

PowerPantsRule thank you for your comment.. when he left I did do s bit of a turn for that reason, started posting I was out with friends on Facebook that I didn't usually do and then telling him id been to see a solicitor and he did backtrack a bit and say he wasn't sure what he wanted, but then he said he did want the divorce split etc, but inevitable though it may be that takes me back to my main fear that if I pretend to be ok with and moving on with my life, he will happily move on with his and he's gone for good and I helped it along? x

Look you have 2 choices.

Divorce the cunt and find happiness

Or

Continue to let him use you as a doormat and sex doll and be miserable.

From the sound of it you would rather do the latter. Please have some self respect and stop sleepin with him and desperately waiting for him. File for divorce.

I imagine he sees you as utterly pathetic and he loves that e can make you do whatever he wants at the drop of a hat. He treats you worse than dirt.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you.

There's nothing you can do to change this in all likelihood.

He has just came in from work now, ran a bath ready to go out tonight and hasnt even said hello to me or aknowledged me just the children.. so now he seems to be in a mood with me because thismorning he text me saying how is my sex buddy thismorning and I text back I think you have the wrong number and he didn't message again and I've not seen him until now.. now I'm worried he'll do something while he's out tonight to spite me for that?

He will move on either way when he finds someone good enough for his ego . You holding into him is teaching your daughter that it's ok to let a man use her

You think someone who loves you and knows how much you are hurting would have sent that text? He is an utter cunt and is goading you.

The 'date' with you was about assuaging his guilt. Not about rekindling a relationship with you.

To be crude, he just wants to use you to empty his sack until a better offer comes along. Your marriage is dead. It must be horrible for you, but for you own sanity, you must accept and move on.

And stop sleeping with him immediately. And get an STI test. Whatever you thought you knew about him, forget it. Protect yourself. He is no longer on your team. I'm so sorry.

OP I feel so sad for you reading this. I have been through a similar thing with my ex when I was about your age, although we had no children.

Regarding the mixed messages I came to the conclusion with my ex that he felt like an asshole and didn't like it - he didn't want to think of himself as the kind of asshole that would cheat and lie and be emotionally abusive (he was!) so he would be nice for a day or ask me out or say 'oh I'll always love you' or 'you're my best friend' and other emotional fuckwittery andvthen turn around and be all 'well I didn't promise you anything' and 'You knew we were split up' etc etc blah blah bullshit. Don't listen to what he says, look at his actions. Is he acting like he loves you? No. No he isn't.

I let it drag on for over a year and really I wish I could go back and slap myself. One day you will turn round and you will have had enough. It will be over. And you'll wish you'd told him to get tae fuck earlier.

I've now been married for 5 years to my husband, who I met when I was older than you are, and I have 3 kids. Life will be good again for you. No one is worth punishing yourself like this with. Give it up!

Poor thing this is a rubbish situation. I was in it with my Ex too.

I think part of you feels if you 'can just show' him how lovely everything is, now he's at home, he'll do a U turn.

But if you want him to do a U turn - then as others have said - you need to put a very clear line down now. Follow these rules!

• Do not have sex with him. No matter how hard it is. Stop right now. That is your number one goal. It diminishes your marriage and damages any future. Even if you want him back, this is not the best way.
• Imagine in your head a clear dividing line between you and him.
• Go out at least two nights a week, even if all it is to sit in a cafe on your own reading a book.
• Get counselling/talk to friends.
• Don't watch TV or hang out with him in the evenings or the weekends. Insist that he gives you space by going out himself. Ask him to take the children every other weekend either by taking them out or you go out.
• See a solicitor and go through the motions. You don't have to do anything, just talk frankly.
• If you can, get him to move out. That would be best. If he doesn't, set yourself a time limit, the sooner the better, to resolve living arrangements. Do this even if you want him back.
• Go on some dates. Even if this is the last thing on your mind - just set these up and dress up. Just seeing another man, even just for a chat over dinner, will make you realise that you are worth more.

Good luck.

Let him go out, then lock the doors and leave the key in the other side. Tell him that he is not getting back in tonight so he better find somewhere else to sleep. Tell him its not his house alone, that when he married you he gave up the right to call it just 'his' house. He is a nasty, abusive man and you need to stand up to him. If he becomes abusive when he can't get in then call the police. He doesn't get to hurt you and then get angry because you are upset/ angry at his behaviour.

While he is out pack his bags, tell him he can collect them tomorrow and ask a friend/ family member to come be with you when its time for him to pick them up.

He is probably sleeping with other women already since he stated he is single.

He just want to keep you on the side in case he can't get laid. It's revolting. He is an utter pig.

Embolio that is so familiar it's uncanny, I have soo many texts from him and his favourite phrase is "I'm not an arsehole" or it makes me look like an arsehole but I'm not! x

you can't live like this trying to read his mind and give all your mental energy to trying to work out how to please him. you and your dc need all the energy you have right now.

everything you have described has been very cruel, he is not caring for you - you need to care for you

draw a line. file for divorce, make him leave your home, stop contact other than for child arrangements. explain you need time and space to recover and heal.

Sort out the financials, your accounts/ debts/ review inventory of all paperwork. You must protect yourself and your children.

If somewhere down the line your husband can manage to convince you that he is worth allowing back into your life then marriage counselling might be a good first step to understanding what went so badly wrong.

I Honestly think that once you give yourself time and space to recover from the shock you will think twice about letting someone in your life who can treat you so contemptuously