Husband left me but still wants a sexual relationship but i still love him, help

[user1495964242]

My husband left me around 6 weeks ago, I have added a screenshot of my post detailing the situation, we have been together 11 years (since we were 15 and 16) married for 8 and have a 5 and 7 year old together please read if you can it will make more sense to the rest of this .

Following the events in the previous post, we are now at a point where he is back living with us while he finds a place of his own to move out to, I and the kids have enjoyed having him around as it's felt like normal before he left and he has been sleeping with me consistanly since he's been home, I have tried everything to make him see how good it is with us at home and make him want to stay but he just doesn't. He reminds me all the time he's now single and makes jokes out of it which really hurt me.
He sends me very mixed signals as he knows how I desperately want him back despite what he's done and how he's acted but he tells me it's not what he wants and he wouldn't be happy coming back to a relationship but then 2 days ago he texted me and asked if I would go on a date with him, I said yes and then he txt saying don't label it, no boyfriend or girlfriend stuff it's just a date..
So we went on the date for dinner and had a nice time.. we came home and he was saying we'll always be friends yeah and I said no, you either want me or you don't and he replied I do want you, I want your body...
And that it's much better now were just friends (I don't feel this way I love and miss my husband and want him back as that again)
Once we got home he also said if we are going to carry on a sexual relationship I need to go on some contraception (we always used the pull out method) and I said why that's been good enough the last few years and he said yeah we were together then.. I got really upset and said this isn't sustainable, he said so you don't want to be my sex buddy then, ok I'll respect your wishes...
I'm in pieces because i love him I always have and he's treating me like he really doesn't care how I feel. I have sex with him because it's all I have left to cling onto but after a nice date and that talk I turned over and cried while he slept.. I know if I carry on he will just do it with me until he meets someone else then throw me to the kerb and he said to me he's happy to be my sex buddy until I meet someone else but I just want my life and husband back I don't want to meet someone else but I can't change his mind and I really thought when he asked me out it was going in a good direction but he has no intention of wanting to get back with me, I'm so so lost :( thanks for any help/advice x

This man is not as amazing as you think.

Once he goes out - just pack his bags and drop at his mothers - text him telling him not to return and if he does refuse to answer the door and call the police if he won't leave.

You are trying to be nice but you don't understand he is not a nice man so he is t going to respond nicely.

He's a bully and I'm afraid that you need to look back closely at your marriage to decipher whether he really was all that nice to you.

It is not his house!!!!!! It is both of yours and if you kick him out you can gets tax credits and child maintenance.

He has returned because he wants his laundry done and his food cooked, wants to see his children when he wants and a bit of sex thrown in for good measure.

Wake up please.

Come on, you can do it - you are worth ten of him!

Kick him out. He's a complete waster and does not deserve you or your children.

Find your strength

What I'm going to say isn't meant to be disrespectful or rude, so please don't take it so.
You aren't fully an adult yet. You have relied on him to 'guide' you and take a lot of the responsibilities of adult life so you didn't have to. You were literally children when you got together and you have never had the opportunity to develop into an autonomous adult fully. That's why you are so terrified of being on your own. In a way it's like you're still that 15 year old but with 11 years of conditioning to undo on top.
I understand that you're scared, of course you are. But you need to go through the process of growing up and maturing into an adult who can survive on her own.

If you want him to realise what he has lost then he actually has to feel the loss. That means no sex, no housework, no looking after him. Look after you and the kids only. If you carry on being his de facto wife while he goes out on the pull every week you are handing him what he wants on a plate.

Of course the fact that he can behave this way should mean that you don't want him anymore anyway but it's clear you aren't there yet.

Summeriscoming11 i have a male friend who has been talking to me through all of this and when (ex) hubby found out he constantly makes jokes about me and this guy, he brings it up every single day in a jokey way but that makes me think despite what he says about he wants me to move on that it bothers him? x

@Rescuepuppydaft2 you really can't advise women to do that. It's the marital home and she cannot lock him out or kick him out. That's irresponsible advice.

FFS, either listen to people's advice and get rid of the cretin, or stop begging for sympathy/attention. Find your dignity and self-respect. Stop giving your kids the message that this is how men treat women, they at least deserve better.

Ofcourse it bothers him. It must pain him greatly that the woman he treats so badly could be happy without you.

It doesn't mean he cares. He's doesn't want you he just doesn't want anyone else to have you either so that you remain waiting hanging for his every whim.

AdalindSchade not taken that rudely at all you're very right, that is exactly how I feel, a scared 15 year old..
And as u say in the end of your comment unfortunately I am definatly not there yet, he's just about to go off and he looks so good and I just want to jump up and hung him but I can't and won't, all those feelings are still as strong as they were in years before if not stronger now I know I've lost him as my own x

Without him*

I'm very sorry for the position your in op
Now for some home truths

1. the more desperation you show him the more he will see you as a desperate women with no dignity that he can use ... not a attractive look

2. you think your kids are happy what about when he goes away and crawls back 24/7 you will destroy your kids in the long term trust me and they will hate both of you for it .. put your kids first.

3. why post if you are going to listen to no ones advice. .. he doesnt love you he has stayed this numerous times seriously where is your dignity ?

Yes it will be hard but you know what pick your self up and move on with what's left of your dignity as it will be a kick in the balls to him to see you happy and moved on !!

I would cut contact with him altogether and arrange for him to pick kids up somewhere else for a while so you can move on sorry for being blunt but you need to hear it he doesnt want you anymore .

Yes she can refuse to let him inside. And if he acts in a threatening manner she can call the police who will tell this man to leave/offer to drop him elsewhere or arrest him

They will tell him it's a civil matter

OP please do not let him treat you like this! He seems like an utter cunt and you deserve better. Why does he also think it's acceptable for him to go out every weekend meaning that you can't? Even if you have to remain in the same house for the time being I would tell him that starting from next weekend he's responsible for the DCs every other weekend so that you can go out. If this is your first serious relationship then I suspect that when you have other relationships that you will look back and realise that it wasn't as prefect as you thought it was. You deserve a better future, start it today by telling the fucker where to go. You'll be upset for a while but your life will be much better without him. If he does realise he's made a mistake in the future and comes back to you he's only going to do this if he respects you and if you have made it clear that you won't be treated like a piece of shit. I suspect that if this does happen then you'll have moved on and will tell him where to go.

I've not said I'm not going to listen to anyone's advice I just want to hear as many people's sides as possible and reply with what I'm thinking or feeling, I do have a few good friends and my mum who have helped but I think they're growing abit tired of me going to them daily with it so it's nice to have a place like this to come x

Arghh op I've just read your last post. You're on the road to hell with this one and you don't mind one bit as long as he is with you.

Very sad and a poor example to set your daughter.

He has told you loud and clear what the score is. He's only in a huff because he didn't get sex.

'he text me saying how is my sex buddy thismorning and I text back I think you have the wrong number and he didn't message again and I've not seen him until now.. now I'm worried he'll do something while he's out tonight to spite me for that?'

Really hope you get angry tonight. I've lived a long time and he's right up there with one of the biggest cunts I've heard of.

What a horrible man - a user. Get him out of the house, change the locks and see a solicitor. The sooner he is out of your life the better. You need some respect in yourself.

' I do have a few good friends and my mum who have helped but I think they're growing abit tired of me going to them daily with it so it's nice to have a place like this to come ''

They're sick of listening to how he treats you like a wank sock and you thank him for that.

Oh OP I'm sure he probably does feel jealous of another man with you. There is part of him that sounds conflicted and the reality of you being with someone else is something he would not want either - hence the 'being back' with you. He's "on hold'.

But don't take this as a sign that he's coming back as your husband. I did this, and just ended up in a horrible 'half way' situation that gave my Ex all the satisfaction of family life plus sex but no commitment. It wore away my self esteem badly.

The point of seeing other men is nothing to do with your husband - it's just the 'faking it bit' to put a line between you. At the moment you must believe that even if you get back together with your husband - then you must separate properly first. Otherwise neither moving on or reconciling is possible. Your husband has to have the space to realise what the reality of leaving you is. It's not having sex with you.

What would you say to your DD if in 20 years she came to you and said that her DH was behaving in this way to her?

What would you say to your DS if in 20 years time you found out that he had been behaving in this way to his DW?

Because right now you are teaching them that this is A-OK...

QuiteLikely5 he has been by my side for all these years and the one I turned to for any problem in my life, and he fixed it for me, helped me out and made everything ok, I happily gave up friends or a social life when I was with him because he was all I wanted so now that that has been taken away I still feel no matter how bad a situation is that I need and want him with me x

I do have a few good friends and my mum who have helped but I think they're growing abit tired of me going to them daily with it so it's nice to have a place like this to come ''

That's probably because you are refusing to see the writing on the wall. Do you seriously seriously think there is a future for the two of you ?

OP the more you say the more it appears your relationship was deeply dysfunction at best and at worst abusive.

You want light shed on why he asked you for a date OP?

Well before I shine a bloody big light on your question, consider how bloody daft that in itself is: a husband doesn't 'date' his wife. They are husband and wife, they might have 'date nights' because they want a nice night out without the kids but married people don't date. They're married, they share a home, a family, their lives are intertwined.

He asked you for a date to keep you dangling, to play with your emotions, to give you hope. Why? Because right now he can't believe his luck, he can't believe any woman would behave as you are.

And I agree with him. Of course he will continue using you, because you're allowing him to.

You're his plan B. You're his 'go to' when all else fails.

You absolutely must open your eyes and forget about the man you married. Stop all this, 'he only cheated once' crap. He's a cheat. You need to split and stop excusing him.

If you really want a chance to salvage this, and you really shouldn't, then you must separate, not see him, force him to look after himself, no contact except practical DC stuff. He has to know that you can and will live without him.

He holds all the cards. Grab them back, kick him out, move on. And think about why your bar is set so low, and raise the bloody thing.

Summeriscoming11 he is so conflicted about alot of things not even us just his life in general, his business, he doesn't care about things he used to care about, is ok 1 minute super down in the dumps the next, all what help lead me to he is depressed or having a bit of a breakdown, he tells me all these things and feelings as we always have been like best friends too so I guess he still feels he can confide in me and talk to me and he wants me to help him like I always would x

You had a go at him for the example he was setting for his children but you are just as bad.

Stop whinging about what he is doing and do something to stop it.

You are not living in a romantic novel where if you hold out long enough the hero suddenly comes back to you.

You have more chance of him returning to you if you throw him out and start divorce proceedings than giving him everything whilst he goes and tries to find someone else.
Even if he doesn't you will be free of him and in time will realise how lucky you have been to dodge that bullet.

Oh and get an still check because who knows where he has been