Husband left me but still wants a sexual relationship but i still love him, help

[user1495964242]

My husband left me around 6 weeks ago, I have added a screenshot of my post detailing the situation, we have been together 11 years (since we were 15 and 16) married for 8 and have a 5 and 7 year old together please read if you can it will make more sense to the rest of this .

Following the events in the previous post, we are now at a point where he is back living with us while he finds a place of his own to move out to, I and the kids have enjoyed having him around as it's felt like normal before he left and he has been sleeping with me consistanly since he's been home, I have tried everything to make him see how good it is with us at home and make him want to stay but he just doesn't. He reminds me all the time he's now single and makes jokes out of it which really hurt me.
He sends me very mixed signals as he knows how I desperately want him back despite what he's done and how he's acted but he tells me it's not what he wants and he wouldn't be happy coming back to a relationship but then 2 days ago he texted me and asked if I would go on a date with him, I said yes and then he txt saying don't label it, no boyfriend or girlfriend stuff it's just a date..
So we went on the date for dinner and had a nice time.. we came home and he was saying we'll always be friends yeah and I said no, you either want me or you don't and he replied I do want you, I want your body...
And that it's much better now were just friends (I don't feel this way I love and miss my husband and want him back as that again)
Once we got home he also said if we are going to carry on a sexual relationship I need to go on some contraception (we always used the pull out method) and I said why that's been good enough the last few years and he said yeah we were together then.. I got really upset and said this isn't sustainable, he said so you don't want to be my sex buddy then, ok I'll respect your wishes...
I'm in pieces because i love him I always have and he's treating me like he really doesn't care how I feel. I have sex with him because it's all I have left to cling onto but after a nice date and that talk I turned over and cried while he slept.. I know if I carry on he will just do it with me until he meets someone else then throw me to the kerb and he said to me he's happy to be my sex buddy until I meet someone else but I just want my life and husband back I don't want to meet someone else but I can't change his mind and I really thought when he asked me out it was going in a good direction but he has no intention of wanting to get back with me, I'm so so lost :( thanks for any help/advice x

Please have some self respect, he's using you until someone else comes along or until his ow id free?, maybe?

You deserve better than this, but if you won't leave him for yourself, your children deserve better than this.
Please don't enable this poor role model to play at happy families, put your children first.

It must be hard if you love him, but your love is one sided, is this all you want from life, as it's all he is prepared to offer.

Thought it might be useful to post a link to your first thread OP:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2940596-Husband-left-after-11-years-and-2-kids-so-lost-and-broken

He sounds very selfish and cruel and you were both so young when you first met that really you have no experience of anything or anyone else.

have you been checked for STIs?

'I think I've looked at it as does 6 weeks of being a arsehole override 10 years of being perfect? And I know he's wrong but people do go through affairs and things like that and make a go of it? '

He's not perfect. He's a lying cockwomble who fucked someone else on you and his family, dumped you all like a hot brick and is now back because it suits him to use you.

Desmondo2016 he has never had to as I've always done everything for him in our relationship, and taken care of him and the kids, even his family members have told him this and that he has so much to lose and nothing to gain x

He's a manipulative, using, lying piece of shit, OP and you are searching for reasons to carry on but they're hollow even to you hence your thread(s) here.

Your children are getting sucked up in this, make no mistake. They're children, not stupid. If you don't take this in hand and start being their mum as a priority rather than your ex-husband's servant then you will sadly reap the results of their disgust and contempt for you later on. They deserve better than that.

I'm trying to shock you out of your reverie because you think they're happy. It's easy for children to accept the new 'normal' because they trust you. You and your ex are betraying them in the worst ways possible. You will be the one who suffers because you love them whilst your husband (by evidence) doesn't accept that he's harming them with his actions and doesn't want to even acknowledge it. Ergo, he doesn't care - you do.

It's up to you what you do but whilst I'm deeply sympathetic of your plight and truly sad for your feelings and what you are going through, I have no respect for your 'hands off', ex-husband-fussing-over stance just because of your feelings for him.

Woman up and take back control of your life.

He is using you. He knows exactly what he's doing. He knows you want everything back how it was but it won't. The man in your bed is not the man in your head.
You need to stop the sex now, no matter how good it is it's not worth the price you're paying. He needs out of your bedroom, if you don't have a spare room then he's on the sofa.
You need legal advice to separate and sort out your finances. Your kids are young enough that you'll get the house for at least a few years.

HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND, HE IS USING YOU UNTIL SOMEONE BETTER COMES ALONG. Get ahead of this and dump him on your terms. He may even respect you more if you don't allow him to treat you like this,
You deserve so much better.

For those who are unable to read the screenshot, as I was, here's a link to the original thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2940596-Husband-left-after-11-years-and-2-kids-so-lost-and-broken#69362396

25 years old and putting up with this shit.

xpost with kaitlin.

I think this is one of the saddest posts I've read on here OP

Please don't let him do this to you, he will fuck your soul. This is horrible, truly horrible.

Kaitlinktm thank you so much for posting the link, don't know why I didn't think of that head is all over the place lately :( I haven't but I do believe he hasn't done it since and used something.. he's known friends who've had nasty sti's and he wouslnt put himself in that position plus he 1000% doesn't want anymore children so wouldn't risk that with a random x

He's told you directly he doesn't love you any more and hasn't for a long time.

Your marriage is over. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but every day you let him treat you like this is basically you self-harming, ripping your self-respect and dignity to shreds on his contempt and lack of care for your feelings.

He's using you because he can. That's all there is to this. He won't come back, and certainly not because you kept sleeping with him. That's the road to humiliation and STDs.

You've really got to get your head around the fact that it's over between you, and both of you need to start acting like it. How about sorting out some counselling for yourself?

Oh and I don't think he's conflicted at all. I think he's just selfish and you're convenient. He's pretty clear about what he wants - to casually shag you while also pursuing other women for REAL relationships.

Get him out. You're doing the 'pick me dance' and it is getting you nowhere.

The only reason the kids are OK with him being home is because they are too young to know what is going on. I suspect that if there were a few years older they would have zero respect for their Father for being a monumental shit, and for you for putting up with it.

He doesn't love you and he's not even treating you nicely. Sling him out. Tell him actions have consequences and as he's decided that he doesn't want to be actively married anymore, then he can fuck off somewhere else.

Oh and my arse he didn't sleep with the OW until he moved out. You seriously think he's torpedo his marriage and leave his home and children for a woman he'd never shagged before? Chances are that she got fed up and gave him the boot, hence why he came back.

Wake up. He's a vile twat and you can't trust him. Stop talking to him, stop shagging him and stop being available.

How the fuck can people be suggesting it's a midlife crisis when he's only 26 or 27?
He's not having a breakdown, he's a cunt. He's fucked (at least one) other woman, decided the grass was greener, moved in with her, and then moved back in with OP. Who he is now treating like shit.

Look OP... I've been there. If you want to 'save' this marriage then you still need to go down the following route:

1. Live separately from him. If that means that you are in the same house for a bit then so be it but no more bed-sharing and no more household tasks for him. He cooks and does his own washing for himself.

1. You make plans to leave - or he does.

1. You see a solicitor and follow their instructions regarding getting your paperwork together.

1. You file for divorce.

None of the above is hitherto irrecoverable and permanent. You are respecting the fact that he is now single - and he's told you that he is.

So, now that the divorce papers are winging their way to him and he realises what he has to lose, he MAY have second thoughts. If you still feel the way you do (and I hope you don't), you can decide if you want to try again and YOU cancel the divorce.

Maybe happy ever after but NEVER AGAIN put yourself in the position of being beholden to your (ex) husband for ANYTHING. He is not to be trusted at the moment (if ever again) and you must not take what he says as truth because HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. He doesn't want to be your husband either so cut him loose and let him see if a legal split will change his mind.

Then YOU can decide whether you go on with your marriage or not.

If the divorce goes through then you were having to do that anyway so nothing lost. It's no good harking back to glory days because they are your past now. This is your future so take control of it.

Starting NOW. Please OP. No more mooning over this disrespectful arse.

he's known friends who've had nasty sti's and he wouslnt put himself in that position plus he 1000% doesn't want anymore children so wouldn't risk that with a random

Lovey - if you wound the clock back you'd have sworn blind that he was the perfect husband and that you were blissfully happy in a solid marriage. Now look at where you are. You cannot trust him and you cannot rely on what you think he would and wouldn't do - because he's already shown you that he can lie and cheat.

If you think you feel bad now, wait till he hooks up with some other woman and you realise you were complicit in being his in between shags shag. Worse still, being complicit in messing with your kids emotions by allowing him to play temporary happy families, knowing that they will be devastated again when he moves out again. Kids can handle change but the uncertainty of their parents revolving door relationship will have a negative impact on their emotional health.

You act like you have no power but your wrong it's just that you've chosen to surrender it at the expense of your self respect and your children's emotional wellbeing.

You have choices, this just isn't a smart one.

OP you are letting him have his cake and eat it. why would he change when he doesn't need to? As far as he's concerned he's got the perfect set up, he can do whatever he likes and you'll still be there cooking his dinners and having sex with him. Why should he treat you with respect when you clearly don't respect yourself? This is so depressing to read, I really do feel for you, it's a shit situation but the only person who can change that is you. Right now you are actively choosing to be unhappy.

Well this might be an unpopular view, but I think many relationships that started this young are going to hit a rocky patch where one or other partner realises that this is all they know, and wonders whether they should branch out. Doesn't make it right, but it is realistic.

OP - whether you believe it or not, you have far more chance of keeping your husband by telling him to leave, that he either wants this 100% or he is free to go and find the better life he thinks may be out there. Stay strong, hold your head high, tell him to leave. No 'date nights', no sexual relationship, you are not something he can pick up and put back down as he pleases.

If you are lucky, he may realise what he's throwing away - and if that happens then it is your time to re-evaluate, work out whether you trust him and whether you are prepared to work to re-build your marriage.

If he doesn't come back, you have your dignity intact, and you will survive. xx

The lovely man you were married to has gone. Maybe in a few years time he will return.

In the meantime, do not let him into your world. His behaviour is abusive. He is manipulating you. Forget what he has done before, forget when he left you for someone else. His behaviour right now, sleeping with you and saying he is single and that you are just friends- that right there is unforgivable.

Thank you those posting the link to the original I didnt know you couldn't read the screenshot ..
I appreciate all the replies, I know I'm trying to get into his head and know what he's thinking/feeling so I can work him out, i feel like the date was a test almost to see if he does like me or not? Otherwise what was the point? He's always been the one who wore the trousers and I'm naturally submissive and a people pleaser so I feel lost without my guider when I'm alone.. I don't want to sound pitiful or pathetic I know I do but it's been 6 weeks now and I'm so exhausted emotionally.. I know I shouldn't but I want him back and being constantly pushed away then pulled back in then out again is wearing me down.. I was thin before this but I've lost almost a stone which he hasn't commented on (if he's noticed) x

Does 6 weeks of being a arsehole override 10 years of being perfect? I think in this case it does. This is the new normal now for him and you seem to have accepted it - you can't go back to what you had. He doesn't want to/doesn't need to and actually even if it looked as if you might be it will never be the same again because you've given him permission to be unfaithful with no consequences. You've been together since you were children so you can't imagine life without him at the moment, but it is perfectly possible. Many people don't meet their life partner until they are older than you are now. You need to start today by drawing a line in the sand. Tell him it's over, don't let him sleep in your bed, go and see a solicitor and find out what you are entitled to and start making a new life for yourself. You deserve much better than this, but you will never find it if you don't start trying. Noone is saying it will be easy, but it is possible - it's up to you.

You need to stop listening to his lies words.

He has lied to you before about this OW, so get yourself checked for STI's.

I'm betting you are still doing the cooking,cleaning and washing for him as well aren't you.

You need to stop. He want's to separate then he needs to get the full picture. Make him cook,clean and washing for himself. Make him look after the children from Friday night to Sunday afternoon/evening every other week even if this means you go and stay with friend. If he wants to be single so that what he gets. You not doing anything for him or sleeping with you.

I think for you its not about him as much as you have never been on your own, you have gone into this and made your life about him and looking after him and now he has decided he doesnt want that, you dont know what to do.

The thing is a previous poster is correct as long as you let it stay the way it is nothing is going to change. He is not going to change it he has everything he wants. You need to find yourself, whether that brings him back to you who can say.

The first step is believing that it is your house as much as it is his. If he has made this decision then it is him who needs to leave.

Fucking hell OP you need to find some self respect. He had an affair and left you for someone else. He's come back because it didn't work out and is using you as a blow up doll until someone else comes along. He doesn't give a fuck about how much that hurts you. I bet he won't be in a rush to move out or start divorce proceedings because you're probably a good candidate for spousal maintenance. Plus why should he when you're doing everything for him, allowing him to use your body when it suits him and he gets to be single too. Why would you even want him back? No one who is "perfect" would treat you like this

OP, please stop looking for crumbs of comfort in the middle of this dreadful situation. There are none.
You want a marriage.
He wants a convenient shag, without having to move out immediately.
He has already abandoned the marriage.
Please get the proverbial ducks in a row while you can.
Please tell him to fuck right off.
The whole of mumsnet can't be wrong!