Husband left me but still wants a sexual relationship but i still love him, help

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My husband left me around 6 weeks ago, I have added a screenshot of my post detailing the situation, we have been together 11 years (since we were 15 and 16) married for 8 and have a 5 and 7 year old together please read if you can it will make more sense to the rest of this .

Following the events in the previous post, we are now at a point where he is back living with us while he finds a place of his own to move out to, I and the kids have enjoyed having him around as it's felt like normal before he left and he has been sleeping with me consistanly since he's been home, I have tried everything to make him see how good it is with us at home and make him want to stay but he just doesn't. He reminds me all the time he's now single and makes jokes out of it which really hurt me.
He sends me very mixed signals as he knows how I desperately want him back despite what he's done and how he's acted but he tells me it's not what he wants and he wouldn't be happy coming back to a relationship but then 2 days ago he texted me and asked if I would go on a date with him, I said yes and then he txt saying don't label it, no boyfriend or girlfriend stuff it's just a date..
So we went on the date for dinner and had a nice time.. we came home and he was saying we'll always be friends yeah and I said no, you either want me or you don't and he replied I do want you, I want your body...
And that it's much better now were just friends (I don't feel this way I love and miss my husband and want him back as that again)
Once we got home he also said if we are going to carry on a sexual relationship I need to go on some contraception (we always used the pull out method) and I said why that's been good enough the last few years and he said yeah we were together then.. I got really upset and said this isn't sustainable, he said so you don't want to be my sex buddy then, ok I'll respect your wishes...
I'm in pieces because i love him I always have and he's treating me like he really doesn't care how I feel. I have sex with him because it's all I have left to cling onto but after a nice date and that talk I turned over and cried while he slept.. I know if I carry on he will just do it with me until he meets someone else then throw me to the kerb and he said to me he's happy to be my sex buddy until I meet someone else but I just want my life and husband back I don't want to meet someone else but I can't change his mind and I really thought when he asked me out it was going in a good direction but he has no intention of wanting to get back with me, I'm so so lost :( thanks for any help/advice x

we never had any major issues, no break ups, cheating

But you did. He left you for someone else, slept with someone else ( probably for a lot longer than he has admitted to) and now that relationship has finished he still wants sex but can't be arsed to go off and make the effort to find someone new and build up a relationship so has decided you will do in the meantime.

He is treating you like his whore, buying yor body for the price of a night out and a bit of dinner. You sound like a really nice person, please don't let hi treat you like this, you deserve so much more.

He tells you all the time he is now single, I think you ought to start to believe him .

Whitney168 thank you that made me smile, I get what you're saying, I suppose I am scared that by letting him go I know is the only way to make him see what he's lost but I'm scared that he will go and actually be happy and move on and then I've lost him for good when in reality I would have jumped hoops and done anything to keep him x

Stop. Just STOP. He's TOLD you that you are 'just friends'. This means that he now considers himself a single man whilst you still consider yourself a married woman. Can you see how incompatible that is? You will be living heartache 24/7/365. Don't do it.

You really, really need to understand to the depths of your being that the only reason he came back was because OW took a long look at him and said 'Nope! Not worth my time'. She. Dumped. Him. and don't believe anything else.

You also really, really need to understand that it will happen again. The next time someone else comes along he will be off in a shot! Why? Because you have now taught him that not only will you take him back, you will abase (yes abase!) yourself in an effort to keep him. It's the same as if he had beat you and you had said "Thank you sir, may I have another?".

The past how-ever-many years of 'faithfulness' (IF he was, I think he just never got caught before) mean absolutely nothing, Nothing! Because he now knows that he doesn't have to be faithful after all, he just needs to be sneakier so he doesn't have to put up with any 'scenes'. He can do what he wants and you will be there with open arms.

You're a young woman. Is this how you want to live the next 20, 30, 40, 50 years?

Please just listen to yourself.
How can you let him treat you like this? Do you not think that you are better and deserve this somehow?
You post for help and that is good, but unless you listen to what people have to say it's pointless as you'll be back again in a few weeks.
Please end this now, you have nothing to lose, he has already checked out, your home is a shag stop for him, nothing more.

He needs to be worth keeping though, OP.

I've seen this scenario play out several times with childhood sweethearts. In some cases, accepting that people aren't perfect, the marriages have gone on and become far stronger. In my experience, these are the abandoned partners who demanded respect, and if they eventually decided to take the errant partner back (and not all did!) then they made them bloody well work to earn their trust again before any sort of relationship resumed.

I'm scared that he will go and actually be happy and move on and then I've lost him for good

If he is not fully committed to you, better that you lose him now than spend many more years feeling this way. xx

He may be confused and having a hard time letting go of all the comforts you provide, but he's not being very nice keeping you dangling and hoping. He's having his cake and eating it too at the moment which suits him fine. He's not going to change something that gives him everything he wants. All the advantages of marriage without any commitment and disadvantages.

A decent guy would sever the links completely to give you a chance to mourn and then eventually move on.
You can't move on while you have hope. He's being cruel keeping that hope alive. He needs to be cruel to be kind. The more you act desperately the more respect for you he will lose. If he won't sever it you have to be kind to yourself and kick him to the kerb. Only then can you begin the horrible journey to being ok again.

If there is any hope at all that he is suffering depression etc then the best bet would be to sever all links and then he can fight for you back, but TBH he's already mentally checked out of this marriage, he's just unwilling to let go of all the comforts and sex that you are willingly providing.

He's looking at his own best interests and is not concerned with what is best for you and by default, his kids. The kids are better off with a mum not in this state of limbo.

Op even if he changes his mind and comes back to the marriage you are now showing him you will put up with almost anything. He can sleep around, treat you mean and be cruel to you and not think of his kids welfare, and you will not say a word against it, and welcome him home with open arms. What sort of a future relationship would that lead to?
Don't think that your gentle nature means you are weak and need a guide. You can be a nice person who doesn't like hurting others and still be strong and do the right thing.

Whitney168 that is true and makes perfect sense I just really don't know how i would survive that happening if he left and stayed gone, i cried non stop when he was gone with the ow and that was only for say a 2 or 3 week period, at work on the way home from school runs, as bad as this feels, that felt worse :( i know im sad over the past and not necessarily what it is now as I know alot has changed and been damaged, but what we had was all id where wanted and was so content with, I don't want to have to let that go but I don't have a choice x

You have been given some really good advice, especially from the LyingWitch. I can sympathise, we were all young once, but the sooner you take positive action to get him out of your day to day life the better. If you can't do this for you, do it for your children who you are damaging by staying in this malfunctioning relationship. If he had been unfaithful and then apologised and you were working to save your relationship that is one thing, but messing with your head like this is just cruel.What stuck out in your original thread was when you saw the solicitor he started having a sexual relationship with you and moved back in - that was no coincidence, he is using sex to get you where he wants. Dry your tears, get dressed, put some make-up on and get out of the house alone while he looks after the children. See friends, go to the cinema, art gallery, go window shopping etc. but start living your new life.

Tinseleverywhere thank you, what your saying is 100% true, I would be more forceful and tell him this couldn't happen again if he wanted to come back but as it stands no point in me saying anything to him as he doesn't want to anyway.. He just has messed everything up and for no good reason? He's not gained any thing, made his life way more stressful, I really don't understand it x

Ladylapsang thanks for your comment, when you say what sticks out from the original thread part, I don't understand what his goal is/was then as he was the one pushing for divorce and separation so why when I agree would he want to move back in/start having a sexual relationship when I was agreeing with the split that he told me he wanted me to accept?x

He wanted a shag.
That's all.
He clearly has no respect for you at all.
As someone else said. Stop doing the pick me dance.
You need to stop looking to this man for affirmation and start building your own confidence and self worth.
After that STD test.

Don't you see that you are already jumping through hoops and it's not making a blind bit of difference?

You are hoping that if you're funny, welcoming, sexy, obliging and affectionate but not clingy, he'll magically wake up and realise that he has everything he needs right there, that he'll love you the way that you love him.

What you are overlooking is the fact that if he loved you, he wouldn't be treating you like a piece of shit. He wouldn't be shagging you but telling you that it means nothing and that you're just a fuck buddy. He wouldn't be watching you lose weight - yes he will have noticed - and watch the impact of his actions and how bloody unhappy it's making you.

Stop trying to cling on. I know the pain is horrendous. I know it feels like your world has caved in and that you can't survive this. I know it hurts to even breathe right now. BUT YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

MN is full of people, including me, who have gone through the breakdown of a relationship in really painful circumstances and come out of the other side. You can survive this. You can.

But trust me when I say you will not be able to start coming to terms with this until it's over. At the moment you are easing the plaster off and it's agonising and pulling on every tiny hair. You need to rip it off. You're scared to because you know it's gonna hurt like fuck, but it has to be done. You know this and you know that for things to move on you are going to have to face up to the fact that your marriage is over.

You can't keep him by sleeping with him . A man can only stay if he wants to . It's only a matter of time till he finds someone else and by then you will not have any pride left .It must be hard for you and your children .

You're all right, he has been an arsehole and changed everything I thought I knew about him but saying goodbye to that man and those years and also all our future plans together is the most utterly heart wrenching, sickening thing (second to of course losing a child) I could ever imagine, maybe I should think about councilling myself but I just can't see or accept this is how it ends x

I'm so sorry. You are grieving the relationship you thought you had. Maybe talking to someone could help. You do seem quite reliant on him.
If someone treated one of your kids like this how would you feel?!

Ditto everyone OP ;0(
Fuck him.

You spruce yourself up and look amazing and you go out tonight with friends. Don't come home - stay with friends. Give him a taste of his own nasty medicine, and then get that divorce started next week.
It might be that it wakes him up, Or it's dealing with the inevitable anyway.
Do Not Sleep With Him Again.
Get this arsehole worried for a change.

PaulDacresFeministConscience that comment makes alot of sense, thank you. I know I'm not the only one and I really hope you're right and I can get through this. All I really see is he will find someone else who will literally have what was my life, he'll be the lovely guy he was again to her while still having the children half the time (which he loves) and he'll be soo happy ... and I'll be left sad lonely and broken and that's the reality I'm scared of x

I think counselling would be useful. Remember the sunk cost fallacy, you are young, don't stay around to be mistreated.

OhDearMuriel no chance of me going out tonight, he is going out.. this is the 3rd Saturday in a row, before we split he went out once a month payday with 1 friend same thing same place, now he goes out with a different friend and alot more frequently.. he says having a drink once a week quietens his mind?x

You love him BUT he isn't treating you nicely and you must be brave enough to let go. He is using you and this simply isn't on.

I think that most of us would prefer a good sex life with someone who loves us back, not just because we were there.

Be brave. You are much better off on your own than allowing him to treat you like this. Things will get better but it takes time.

You're all right, he has been an arsehole and changed everything I thought I knew about him

Well done. Being able to say this is a real step forward for you. Now hold on to that thought and get angry. Anger can be positive - it can give you a temporary energy boost and if you channel it, it can help you get through some of the short term things you need to do - like seeing a solicitor and telling him you want a divorce.

but saying goodbye to that man and those years and also all our future plans together is the most utterly heart wrenching, sickening thing (second to of course losing a child) I could ever imagine, maybe I should think about councilling myself but I just can't see or accept this is how it ends

This is perfectly normal. As I said before I know that it hurts to even breathe right now. People who've never been through this don't realise that the 'heartbreak' is an actual physical pain. You can't switch off from it and you can't imagine being able to keep going because it hurts so much. You wouldn't believe that you could cry anymore yet you seem to have a bottomless supply of tears.

This is all temporary and it does get easier. The first few weeks are utterly, utterly shit - I won't lie. But this is where the support of friends and family is invaluable. And it's also why it's so important that he buggers off somewhere else, because if you keep seeing him then it's like continually ripping the scab off the wound.

Also can anyone shed any light on why he asked me out on a date?
He was already getting sex so he didn't need to sort of bribe me with a date, he told me on the night several reasons for it but I don't know if any of them are true or realistic? The first he said was it was something to do, then he said it was about not shutting me out completely then said it was to show me what dating world was all about then lastly said it was to see if there was anything there( without telling me if there was or not) x

He is playing with you. Keeping you at home to shag and look after the kids. He gets sex. Is out every weekend (sex with randoms?) and has you at home desperate for him to return.
Give yourself a shake and find your self respect. Separate properly and build a new and better life.