Husband left me but still wants a sexual relationship but i still love him, help

[user1495964242]

My husband left me around 6 weeks ago, I have added a screenshot of my post detailing the situation, we have been together 11 years (since we were 15 and 16) married for 8 and have a 5 and 7 year old together please read if you can it will make more sense to the rest of this .

Following the events in the previous post, we are now at a point where he is back living with us while he finds a place of his own to move out to, I and the kids have enjoyed having him around as it's felt like normal before he left and he has been sleeping with me consistanly since he's been home, I have tried everything to make him see how good it is with us at home and make him want to stay but he just doesn't. He reminds me all the time he's now single and makes jokes out of it which really hurt me.
He sends me very mixed signals as he knows how I desperately want him back despite what he's done and how he's acted but he tells me it's not what he wants and he wouldn't be happy coming back to a relationship but then 2 days ago he texted me and asked if I would go on a date with him, I said yes and then he txt saying don't label it, no boyfriend or girlfriend stuff it's just a date..
So we went on the date for dinner and had a nice time.. we came home and he was saying we'll always be friends yeah and I said no, you either want me or you don't and he replied I do want you, I want your body...
And that it's much better now were just friends (I don't feel this way I love and miss my husband and want him back as that again)
Once we got home he also said if we are going to carry on a sexual relationship I need to go on some contraception (we always used the pull out method) and I said why that's been good enough the last few years and he said yeah we were together then.. I got really upset and said this isn't sustainable, he said so you don't want to be my sex buddy then, ok I'll respect your wishes...
I'm in pieces because i love him I always have and he's treating me like he really doesn't care how I feel. I have sex with him because it's all I have left to cling onto but after a nice date and that talk I turned over and cried while he slept.. I know if I carry on he will just do it with me until he meets someone else then throw me to the kerb and he said to me he's happy to be my sex buddy until I meet someone else but I just want my life and husband back I don't want to meet someone else but I can't change his mind and I really thought when he asked me out it was going in a good direction but he has no intention of wanting to get back with me, I'm so so lost :( thanks for any help/advice x

OOOOOOoooh look what is that over there........--------->>>>

Oh it is your dignity, lying next to a grip.

Please pick both of them up and use them.

Find better things to do with your time. Arrange legal advice and get an STD check. He was shagging around and you weren't using a barrier method of contraception.
Re read your words. "We're not in a relationship". That's how he feels.

You need to wake up and stop clinging to the fantasy that your husband wants to be in a relationship with you and everything will go back to normal. Thats never going to happen, youre relationship is finished. Hes made it clear he only wants you for a sex. Sorry to be blunt.
You need to need to accept its over and never sleep with him again and discuss the practicalities of him moving out and getting divorced.

Iris65 thank you he is very conflicted, alot of the things he says and does don't add up he has openly told me alot of tomes he doesn't know what he wants, doesn't know what happiness is.. that his life is a mess. He recently started his own business self employed full time and says he's thinking of giving it up, he's not into it anymore. I really believe he is suffering from depression but he won't have it, he says it's his head and he'll figure it out himself but he's dealing with it by going out more, changing himself and in my opinion of knowing him for 11 years he's really ruining his life.

@AnyFucker I can't do pithy and direct, you can. Please come and do it here?

OP

'I just don't understand how he's changed as he was the perfect husband for 10 years literally up until the point 6 weeks ago he said he was leaving?'

No, he wasn't, he was a cheating fuckwit. To quote another MNer, he's a weapons grade cunt. He's using you.

Expat has it right

He will claim all kinds of things to keep you available for sex. I have depression. It doesn't make me fuck people I'm not married to!

I understand what everyone is saying, I'm sure id say the same to someone else but it's so difficult. My whole adult life he's been by my side, my best friend as well as my husband. We had a really good relationship and he was home to me. He always came to me when he wanted advice- counsel and to be honest still does since he left, this is the part I'm struggling with walking away from or rather letting him walk away with not the person he's been for the last 6 weeks who really isn't him x

User, he isn't brutally honest at all, he never told you WHY he wanted to leave, he just left. Cowardly man.

• He is not your friend
• He doesn't love you or even like you
• He doesn't care about you a jot
• He's using you for sex
• He will drop you the minute he has a replacement
• He's helping you mess up your children's lives - BOTH of you are culpable for that if you carry on letting them see this.

Wake up. This isn't just about you now. You have children and they need their mum not to be a doormat and to put them first. Since you can't do that for you, do it for them. Please. :(

To clarify when he left was the first and only time he slept with someone else and that was the woman he wanted to be with but it didn't work out or whatever so for all he's faults I can't call him a cheater because he had already left in his defence x

Please dont let him use you like this. Stop sleeping with him, he's got the best of both worlds. Going out being single and then coming back to you when he wants sex. I've been in your situation with my ex and its horrible. But you will get over him and be happy again, but you need to accept it's over. Would you really be able to trust him again anyway after what he's done? Look after yourself and your kids and try to move on from this horrible man x

No, No, No, No, No.

He is using you as a fuck buddy and as a domestic appliance. He's got all the benefits of someone to shag, who runs the house (I bet you're still cooking and cleaning for him aren't you?) and also someone to moan at about how he doesn't know what he wants from life.

Boot the fucker out. See a solicitor, divorce him and let him go and be someone else's problem.

You are no more than a wanksock for this man.

He's being brutally honest with you but, you ain't listening. Wake up!

User I'm so sorry you're going through this.

He is using you for a comfortable bed and a guaranteed shag, now that he doesn't have the OW. This is disgusting behaviour and he has proven what a shit he is.

Mid-life crisis, depression or not, PLEASE don't let him walk all over you. He's a grown man not some teen not able to see how his actions affect others.

1. Tell him the sex is stopping, he needs to sleep on the sofa (or spare room if you have one).
2. He needs to find somewhere else to live.
3. You need to move on, you're not interested in being his shag piece, he needs to own his actions and take responsibility.
4. See a solicitor. You can always halt divorce but so far he has nothing to actually make him act like an adult who has ever had feelings for you. Show him that no matter how painful, you will take care of business because you have children and need to protect them and you from his behaviour.

I really feel for you, but please stop making excuses and hoping he'll change. He won't. Because he truly doesn't give a shit and that is shown by his callous disregard for you in any of this.

So he went off to be with his GF and then came back when it didn't work. How's about telling him that he moved out, it's a one way ticket and he can't use the house like a hotel and you like a blow-up doll, when it suits him.

Seriously. Find your backbone, your self-respect and your anger and boot this awful idiot out.

'To clarify when he left was the first and only time he slept with someone else and that was the woman he wanted to be with but it didn't work out or whatever so for all he's faults I can't call him a cheater because he had already left in his defence x

Oh, bullshit! You can't call him a cheater? He fucked someone else. And my arse it was only once, that's right up there with his malarkey about how he's not slept with anyone else since her because he's so 'brutally honest'. If he were brutally honest he'd have told you he was considering shagging someone else. What's brutally honest is that he might have given you a STI.

He's not depressed, he's a cunt.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe he told me when he left it was because he didn't love me like that anymore and hadn't for around 4 years but wanted to keep put family together but I don't know if I believe that completely as we had alot of good happy times, holidays memories etc in those 4 years and he'd write little cute notes and things that I don't think you would if you felt that way?
I understand your comment regulating the children but then on the other hand they are happy he is in the house with them as opposed to when he first left and moved in with this woman they were definatly sadder and missed him being there so when he goes again they'll be back to that:(

FFS show some bloody backbone woman. He wants a place to stay and he wants to empty his ballbag. Honestly! what are you doing!

He's an utter twat, throw the fucker out on his arse and get yourself a solicitor asap

I really feel for you, but please stop making excuses and hoping he'll change. He won't. Because he truly doesn't give a shit and that is shown by his callous disregard for you in any of this.

Just that. Stop giving him free fucks and get rid of him.

OP, IF you are right in thinking that this is a breakdown or something and he will get through it, then you still need to set some boundaries. Otherwise he will lose all respect for
you, and you will make things worse. Be strong, tell him that he has to sort himself out, then get on with your life. Let him try the lonely single life rather than giving him the best of both worlds. Then he'll either come to his senses or you'll realise he's not worth it. Be strong!

I think I've looked at it as does 6 weeks of being a arsehole override 10 years of being perfect? And I know he's wrong but people do go through affairs and things like that and make a go of it? I guess that is my hope I just want my family back together, I would understand if I wasn't good to him but I was, and to answer an above comment since he's been back I actually haven't done any washing or cooking for him, he had takeaway 3 nights in a row and is pretty much just recycling wearing his dirty clothes x

Because he's also such a tosser he can't cook or do washing!!

Teapotter thank you for that reply, I really do think it is a breakdown but my fear is this, if it is and he does get through it and realise he wants to come home I could forgive the past 6 weeks..
But if I stop the sex I think he will feel he has to get it elsewhere then instead and if then he realises he wants to come home I don't think I'd ever get over knowing he's been with more and more people.. this is my only concern if he's not sleeping with me it'll be someone else :(

You are useful and available.

Nothing more.

As soon as something more interesting comes along you will have outlived your use.

If that one doesn't work out he will use you again until the next comes along.

You deserve better.