Need to cancel my wedding, can't be with my partner anymore :-( hand hold please

[user1497035637]

As the title says. I have no one to talk too so I'm on here. Supposed to be getting married in July. All booked and paid for by my family.

Tonight I have found out my partner has been gambling our money away - our savings. When I told him I knew he treated me like crap. He turned into the most vile person. He hasn't harmed me physically.

I can't be with him anymore, this isn't the person I was going to marry. I'm in so much shock by his outburst. It led me to have a panic attack to which he replied 'for fucks sale, get up off the floor'

We have no dcs together. House is rented but thankfully just in my name. No joint finances either apart from a loan.

I just need a hand hold. This morning I loved him so much. Tonight I am the opposite and pretty shocked.

As for his gambling habit. I have always known he has had a previous problem. He's always insisted it was under control. This is a first relapse - that I know of. I have no experience with gambling either.

When I found out, I was very understanding and calm. I showed him no anger. I felt sorry for him to be honest. And he's treated me like this.

I might fall asleep as I'm so drained but i have no one to talk too and this is going to be a long road ahead :-( I'm devastated x

Thing is, you can't go back to how it was because he's already destroyed it. If you crawl back into the illusion of how it was you will know that at any time it can, no, will come crashing down. It is very natural to mourn the great future you could have had with the man he appeared to be. Be very kind to yourself. (And ask yourself how many of those shocked people would be likely to chip in a few thousand towards the cost of buying you a new house when the lovely man has gambled the old one away. They don't have to live that nightmare.)

The script for explanation is good, although you could also tell the truth,
"I discovered he has an uncontrolled gambling problem". Of course he will deny this, and I doubt he will be telling people the truth. He is has lied to you for years, & lies to himself every day

You will get through this and be thankful that you had a lucky escape, but of course it will take time. Go easy on yourself.

Cancel things as soon as you can. I cancelled my wedding 6 weeks before and mostly only lost the deposits thankfully. My fiancé decided he 'couldn't go through with it' Helpful but again looking back so pleased I didn't marry him as it wouldn't have worked out long term. I was a lot younger then and a bit naive. The while thing toughened me up nicely!!

You are not draining at all. Post away as much as you like. Some of us here have been on the wrong end of a very serious gambling addiction and I can absolutely promise you I would not even consider getting involved with a man who gambled in any way shape or form even for 'fun', it's that awful.
Don't blame yourself for not helping him. The fact is he can't be helped until he wants to be and the way he reacted when you found him out shows he's not at that point yet. He may never be. A problem gambler prioritises gambling above everything and everyone. The behaviour has been likened to a secret affair only they're having the affair with a machine. Even leaving aside the sheer nastiness he's displayed which is a dealbreaker all on its own you will come a very poor second to his relationship with gambling all the time he won't stop.

If people want an explanation there's no need to minimise or hide his behaviour. If anything you could be doing them a favour as they are less likely to be played for cash somewhere down the line.

OP I think the comment above "If you do not feel able to tell them the specific reason, it might be helpful to come up with a line that you can repeat in the face of people asking you questions. For example, "Something serious came up and us marrying won't be possible" and repeat ad nauseam."

I think that may be helpful.

Althought I agree with mysticpizza "If people want an explanation there's no need to minimise or hide his behaviour. If anything you could be doing them a favour as they are less likely to be played for cash somewhere down the line." I also think that there is a danger people might put pressure on your to stand by him/help him/ may say he can change/ may say you can get through this... etc.

I've no experience of either being with a gambler or cancelling a wedding but I do feel that the least information you give to random people, outside your immediate family, may be better for you. It really is no one's business why you have chosen to cancel the wedding.

So please do not worry too much how much info you give, give what feels right to you.

XXXXX

I totally agree with 50ShadesOfEarlGrey "if you were my daughter I would be so proud of you for making this difficult decision now."

How are you feeling today? Of course you may still love him but your future together would not have been a loving one. My friend ended up with a gambler, lots of secret sneaking off to gamble on line from the loo. Eventually she broke with him and now has a lovely man.

He will more than likely remain an addict. You are doing the right thing. It wouldn't ever be worth it saying

I'm starting the get the nice side of him again now, I haven't checked my phone for a few hours and received a string of texts. We have spoken on the phone because to be honest I wanted to hear what he had to say. I deserve answers.

It turns out, partly I have got the wrong end of the stick. Our savings are fine. He sent a screen shot of the bank account and they haven't been touched - I cannot look at our savings because I locked myself out of the account a few weeks ago and haven't had chance to ring the bank to reset however still works on his phone.

It's a job he's being doing which he got paid early for.

This obviously makes no difference but it is a massive relief to know our savings - actually no - MY savings are safe.

To him, my reaction was over the top. Which is why apparently he never explained and to be fair, when I found out I assumed it was the savings.

The relationship is still done, I'm still devastated but I can rest easy that the money I had worked hard for is safe and transferred now into my bank. I asked him to transfer it and he has. We aren't going to speak now other than to cancel wedding plans

That's great news op. I feel very relieved on your behalf!

I suppose where I went wrong here is I should of heard him out instead of losing it the way I did. But anyway losing it should the real him so I should be grateful

I'm glad the savings are safe, but it does mean that money which could have added to those savings has gone down the drain.

Totally ceto, I know that too x

"losing it the way I did" you said " I was very understanding and calm. I showed him no anger. but he managed to be so vile that you ended up having a panic attack, please re read your original post.
If you hear his excuses, you will take him back. & right now all you are longing for is normality.
I am betting he hasn't spoken to his parents & cancelled anything at all.

My best advice to anyone be they male or female is NEVER NEVER get involved with a gambler, alcoholic or drug addict. They will totally and selfishly wreck your life for you. You had a lucky escape girl :)

His parents have passed away so obviously aren't involved in the wedding.

Yeah I stayed calm at first, but then when he got more and more angry that did lead me to get angry too but led into a panic attack. When I was struggling to get my words out and breathe properly but I know I was really shouting at him through it all. Eventually my legs just gave way and I ended up on the floor.

I think what I mean is I should of tried to remain calm because I remember he was saying 'let me explain' over and over and I wouldn't let him. That's the only thing I feel I've done wrong here.

Well he dealt with it appallingly, & continued to do so for days, you have seen a side of him that you don't like & that ultimately is what you need to remember. He also, lies & minimises, which he continues to do.

Totally Mix56. What he's done is awful - I'm not back tracking on my word on any of it here. All I'm saying is I wish I would of listened to what he had to say regarding the savings as that would of saved some of the torture I've been through at the weekend. Not much but some x

I cancelled a wedding 3 weeks before when I found out ex was cheating. I was 14 weeks pregnant and it was hard, I won't deny that, but people were supportive and I've never looked back.
You will get through this

Sorry to hear that gentlydoesit, I hope you are ok. There are some genuinely awful people in the world, I just don't know why I keep ending up with them. My ex constantly cheated. Now I feel like I'm going through the exact same with this one except it's gambling, not cheating. All I ask for is loyalty in a relationship and even that seems impossible xx

slidey, you reacted as you did, and nothing will change that, so don't beat yourself up about not staying calm, because even if you did, he still prioritised his gambling over your relationship.

If he hadn't gambled, you wouldn't have had to 'react' at all. The fault is his and his alone. I know you had a rough weekend, but you did the right thing, so cling on to that.

I hope today has been ok? Another one here, who has two adult daughters by the way, who is proud of you. I would want either of my girls to do as you have done.

You're over the worse, but of course you're grieving for the future you thought you had. That's normal, so go with it.

Take care x

Just thought I would update. I'm so tired at the moment and my nervous cough has returned. Whenever I get stressed or run down, I get a really annoying cough which usually last for months....great :-/

I have hardly spoken to him at all, if I have, it has only been about regular things like has he had any post etc.

Until this morning when he has been texting me and we have spoken on the phone. I feel like I'm crumbling but I still I'm sure I won't go back. The texts have been what you would expect. 'I love you' and 'I can't lose you' etc etc

The phone call however was so difficult. He has promised counselling, he has promised to exclude himself from all bookies so he can't go in again, he has suggested we go to relationship counselling. Pretty much whatever it takes. I'll be honest, this did take me by surprise considering his attitude in the recent days. He's done a complete U turn.

To top it all off, my bridal shoes arrived this morning, my sister bought her bridesmaid dress - she doesn't know anything yet, my fault but I just can't tell anyone that the wedding is off until I tell my mum first. She's in the USA until Thursday and i refuse to ruin her holiday by ringing her in tears saying what's happened. I know she would be on the first flight back to me and I don't want her to do that. She deserves a good holiday.

I am still not going back on my word, I'm being as strong as I can be but at the minute I'm having a little wobble. I do think he is being genuine as far as getting the help goes. It's taken a few days but he's finally realised what he's lost and he's gutted. I could hear it in his voice. I do still love him but....it's not even the gambling. It's the trust and the loyalty :-(

I have researched gambling now and I know there is no cure, I also know it's an illness. I rang one of the gambling helplines for myself and they were great. They didn't tell me what I should or shouldn't do but they listened and gave me some advice. They also have set me up with some counselling of my own which could take 3 weeks for my first appointment. Even though I don't plan on going back to him, I thought I might as well take the counselling as this is going to take some getting over x

slidey

re your comment:-
"The phone call however was so difficult. He has promised counselling, he has promised to exclude himself from all bookies so he can't go in again, he has suggested we go to relationship counselling. Pretty much whatever it takes. I'll be honest, this did take me by surprise considering his attitude in the recent days. He's done a complete U turn".

No he has not, he has not done anything really. He is simply telling you what he thinks you want to hear. And no to relationship counselling with him either, you have not caused these issues in your relationship. Self excluding from bookies won't work either. Words are cheap op; look at actions instead. You think you hear change in his voice but its really not there. He still does not want to address his gambling addiction let alone take any responsibility for same. Its more lies and minimising from him.

Good on you for arranging some counselling re gaming for your own self. This will indeed be beneficial to you in the long run.

Be kind to yourself and love your own self for a change.

If you are subconsciously choosing men who are not good relationship material that may well go back to your childhood and your own relationship with your dad. Do consider discussing that side of things with a counsellor.

I would not directly speak to him any longer. You should have nothing more to say to him and you do not actually need to speak to him now. Any post that arrives for him can be redirected.

I would be inclined to contact your bank and get access/password to your savings account changed and do that soon so you can be doubly sure the screenshot was all good. I think I'd also get savings transferred into a new account he can't access - just to be on the safe side.