Need to cancel my wedding, can't be with my partner anymore :-( hand hold please

[user1497035637]

As the title says. I have no one to talk too so I'm on here. Supposed to be getting married in July. All booked and paid for by my family.

Tonight I have found out my partner has been gambling our money away - our savings. When I told him I knew he treated me like crap. He turned into the most vile person. He hasn't harmed me physically.

I can't be with him anymore, this isn't the person I was going to marry. I'm in so much shock by his outburst. It led me to have a panic attack to which he replied 'for fucks sale, get up off the floor'

We have no dcs together. House is rented but thankfully just in my name. No joint finances either apart from a loan.

I just need a hand hold. This morning I loved him so much. Tonight I am the opposite and pretty shocked.

As for his gambling habit. I have always known he has had a previous problem. He's always insisted it was under control. This is a first relapse - that I know of. I have no experience with gambling either.

When I found out, I was very understanding and calm. I showed him no anger. I felt sorry for him to be honest. And he's treated me like this.

I might fall asleep as I'm so drained but i have no one to talk too and this is going to be a long road ahead :-( I'm devastated x

I agree, dad at house with you and change the locks as soon as you can. Even if he gives the key back. Make sure has has no access to anything of yours, bank accounts, house, car, nothing.

And well done on not braving it out hoping for the best. People like this never change and it really will only bring you down.

I completely understand your need to be out of the house. But please, like others have said, don't let him back in on his own. He will be panicking about his future and probably will be desperate to feed his gambling addiction, which could result in him taking more than his stuff.

Get your dad in there, or a friend, and you stay out if you really can't face him. You're taking a huge risk by letting him in there alone. You can't and you must not trust this man. His compulsion to gamble may drive him to be very unreasonable.

Is anyone else worrying that OP may already have left the house unattended ... ? After all, at 9.08 she said she was going "in a minute"

Please don't let him come back so that he's on his own in the flat, he's a compulsive gambler with a very nasty streak: at best he's likely to clean you out, at worst he will trash the place. I know you want to be out of there, but it's only for a few hours. Get your dad to come over, bag his stuff up, arrange for the locks to be changed, and just hand his stuff to him on the doorstep.

Good advice here for you, consider your own safety and have someone there when he returns for his stuff.
He is unlikely to behave beautifully.

You're in a strong position - not married, house in your name, not financially dependent on him.

@Paleninteresting that's terrible. You poor thing. It always seems like gambling is the secret addiction. It doesn't get nearly as much publicity as drug or alcohol addiction and yet it is just as destructive and insidious.

Hugs OP, I hope you can get through this.

Another one advising against leaving the house unattended- can your dad come back with you to your house?

He came back as I was leaving. He got a few bits then left again. I stayed in the car. I then put my front door key in the door - he only had a front door key - and I left through the back door. So he can't get back in because my key is in the front door if that makes sense.

I understand why everyone would think he might take all my stuff but I genuinely don't think he would sink that low.

I am now at my dads, he's been great. I am staying here tonight. Thank you to those who have worried but I am ok xx

I really do advise you to pack up the rest of his shit and send it to him. Then you never have to see him again........

I really am going to do that. I just need some time away. Tomorrow is my day for that. Today I just need to stay with my dad. He won't let me leave anyway, I'm under dads orders. He's going to make me a nice tea and make me a nice bed up. This is what I need right now

Your Dad sounds lovely

That's good, let your dad help you.
be ready for apologies, promises to go to Gamblers Anon, tears, sobbing, begging, grovelling, flowers. Showing up at your work....
You could block his number on your phone

So he can't get back in because my key is in the front door if that makes sense

Yes, it makes perfect sense and it was a very wise thing to do

Please don't assume anything about how he'll behave, though; it's likely that he'll try any number of things - best behaviour, tears, etc - when he thinks his backup is slipping away, but that doesn't mean it will continue if he has to realise you mean it

Your dad sounds great, just what you need right now. Take care.

Thank you, honestly I feel so up and down. I feel ok then I feel so so down. And scared. I can't explain the emotions.

He has text me to say it's over and he is texting his side to say the wedding is off. Which is obviously fine. He is still massively angry. I've done nothing wrong, I can't believe the way I am getting treated in all of this :-(

He says its off......well Wow, I guess that's because you don't accept him gambling, & that he is wrong, & that he let the volatile character out of the bag, you know he has been lying for, well, ever...
I hope his family give him a ripping

I am well and truly broken x

We were so happy, we never argued, he made me feel so loved. I can't believe this x

He had the gambling under control and I am over reacting apparently.

No he didn't and doesn't have the gambling under control, it is much easier for him to blame you for over reacting. You are not broken you are taking hard steps because you are STRONG.

Two things

Firstly, there is a very good chance that he isnt telling anyone that its all off. You are supposed to react by panicking and telling him not to call it all off, of course you didnt, but that was his plan.

Secondly be prepared for the fact that he wont be telling them the truth if/when he tells them that the wedding is off. You could have been cheating, lying, you could be the one with the gambling habit....anything to save face in front of his family. You saw how angrily he reacted to you finding out, he wont hesitate to throw you under the bus to save his standing with his family and friends.

So dont be shy about telling the truth if people ask you. It isnt a secret to keep and it certainly isnt your secret. He basically stole from you and gambled it away, you shouldnt hide that from anyone.

I know, I need to keep going. I just wish this feeling would go away. Sorry I must sound so draining. I just don't have my mum around, she's been taken on a surprise holiday by her partner and now won't be back until Thursday :-( she doesn't even know yet because I didnt want to tell her

How much money was it that he lost? Or rather how much that you know about has he lost?

It will go away in time - let your dad give you a big hug. How about going for a walk to take your mind of it for a little bit? You don't sound draining for one minute - you sound like you've had the courage to make a very difficult decision xxx

I don't know exactly how much, I know around £300. Apparently he won it back but I don't think so. I don't know. To be fair, it could be £3 or £3000, he went to a bookies and did it.