Need to cancel my wedding, can't be with my partner anymore :-( hand hold please

[user1497035637]

As the title says. I have no one to talk too so I'm on here. Supposed to be getting married in July. All booked and paid for by my family.

Tonight I have found out my partner has been gambling our money away - our savings. When I told him I knew he treated me like crap. He turned into the most vile person. He hasn't harmed me physically.

I can't be with him anymore, this isn't the person I was going to marry. I'm in so much shock by his outburst. It led me to have a panic attack to which he replied 'for fucks sale, get up off the floor'

We have no dcs together. House is rented but thankfully just in my name. No joint finances either apart from a loan.

I just need a hand hold. This morning I loved him so much. Tonight I am the opposite and pretty shocked.

As for his gambling habit. I have always known he has had a previous problem. He's always insisted it was under control. This is a first relapse - that I know of. I have no experience with gambling either.

When I found out, I was very understanding and calm. I showed him no anger. I felt sorry for him to be honest. And he's treated me like this.

I might fall asleep as I'm so drained but i have no one to talk too and this is going to be a long road ahead :-( I'm devastated x

Parents want their children to be happy in life. Being married to a verbally abusive gambling addict is not a recipe for happiness. They will understand.

The amount they may lose on the wedding is nothing compared to what they would have had to pay out over the years:
To stop your house being repossessed.
To stop your cars being repossessed
To replace things that the bailiffs have taken
To pay your children's school fees or school trip expenses
To pay the weekly food shop because there's no money in the bank.
The utility bills because otherwise you'll be cut off.

You have made the right decision. Nobody is going to blame you except someone who is supremely stupid. The ones who give you attitude over this won't be the best or the brightest.

Speak to your family and let them help you. If you were my daughter i would want you to turn to me for support. Some things will be retrievable and so on but you don't really want to be dealing with this you need some real life support

I think you have the right attitude as you know you deserve better..your parents have done a good job raising you.

Maybe write down what he said so you don't waver.His mask slipped and thankfully it was this side of the wedding.

Hi, I would just like to say I can understand what you are going through, it must make you feel totally devastated with what he's done.
My first husband frittered away my inheritance from my late father due to gambling on horses and machines. He also used to waste his wages on gambling. It ruined us as a couple and unfortunately the marriage only lasted 4 years. With a young son to support it was hard.
You can't go in to a marriage, regardless who pays for it, thinking he will stop this crippling habit. He has made some remarks to you that also belittle you - so get out fast.
I'm with you all the way.

This happened to my best mate, except, she married him.

When they were first together he had a few debts that "were his ex's fault". My friend had bought a house years before she met him, she remortgaged it to clear his (gambling) debts.

She got promotions, he gambled the extra money. He was "self-employed gambler". They then wanted to buy a nice new house, the remortgaged house was in negative equity, so they bought the second house, on her salary. He was going to furnish it from his 'earnings', but he had a cash flow problem, so she furnished it on credit cards.

You know where this is going...

Long story short, they married, had a DC, he continued gambling away all her money. He gambled away all their savings, and wedding present money. He then took out loans against their house (forging her signature) and gambled those too. When she found out she ended the relationship.

But by then she was in debt up to her eyeballs because of him. Second house was repossessed. He also emptied their child's bank account. As he's "self-employed" (doesn't work), he has never, in ten years, paid child maintenance. So she pays for EVERYTHING, still. Despite losing all that money to him.

That probably would have been your future. Be glad you got out now.

Oh, and when she found out about the extent of the gambling debts, he battered her.

Handhold here.
My exh gambled away £30,000. 10 years later I'm still paying off the debt because marriage means you have joint responsibility.
Run and run faster away.
Don't not allow any minimising or explaining away.
The risk to you and potential children is too high.

Good luck OP. Tell your parents as soon as you can. Let the venue know and see if you can broker a deal for the costs, they may have a waiting list.

Sorry to be practical. Untangling all this may even help you as you physically cancel and change things it will lighten you.

So sorry xx but he's an addict in denial and it's such a damaging addiction. You are better off out now.

Years ago I split with a toad of a guy who owed me/ my family money. Sister tells me she was raging, my parents just said 'if that's the price of having him out of our lives, we'll take it'. In the long run, this will save you both pain and financial suffering. I'm sorry it's so horrible for you right now though x

So sorry to hear you've had a massive shock and betrayal such as this

But thank God i wasn't after your wedding. You've had a very, very lucky escape. My cousin is a gambler and his wife looks to have aged 10 years in the couple of years theyve been married, worry makes her snappy and ill

It'll be hard going through this but think of the stress heartache and poverty you'll have saved yourself from going through in future years. Hope you can get away for a while, treat yourself even if its a short break..different surroundings for a time

Youve done nothing wrong. If he has the cheek to try to demonise you to others re wedding cancellation, dont keep quiet - let people know. You could find support that way

Good luck

it wasnt after your wedding

Sucks, but the best decision you've made is to get away.

You'll look back with your most over-riding feeling being utter relief in 3 years.

His anger was because you have made him face the truth. He knows he is in the wrong for doing what he did and you finding out has shone a light on that. He has probably spent the last however many months convincing himself it was ok....."Its half my money anyway.........we are getting married soon so all our money is shared.........I will soon win it back and more....." and then it was gone and your reaction highlighted his lies to himself.

You have done absolutely the right thing. Good for you

You have totally done the right thing, listen to those who have friends and family married to addicts.
so sorry you are going through this

Do you know that you are using 2 usernames?

I changed my username after I wrote my first post if that's what you are meaning. From user to slidey as I didn't know what to have as my username at first.

I managed to get some sleep and I'm feeling ok today. I do have to face him today but I know his mood will still be awful so I just need to be strong and try not let any tears come out - in front of him anyway.

Better now than after marriage and kids

The gambling is bad enough but to be unrepentant about it - what a pig!!

Cancel it asap and move on he can't be trusted

Many years ago I married because I felt guilty about all of the money spent by my parents. He turned out to have a very violent streak and I left after a few months. My parents were fantastic and really wished I hadn't worried about them but had cancelled the wedding. Your mum will understand and as a parent myself both DH and I would support our daughter 100%.

Why do you have to face him? Are you living together?

As he has been so awful to you, you owe him nothing. A phone call to say it's over will suffice.

slidey make sure you read amarok's ^ post as she says, this could've been you. Good luck today and sending positive vibes to you, definitely cancel the wedding and don't look back. Be positive, look forward.

I just need to be strong and try not let any tears come out - in front of him anyway.

I agree with pp - why do you have to face him? Also, what would happen if tears came out? Are you physically safe, for example?

You have had a very lucky escape here and you know some of the extent of his gambling problem now. The wedding certainly needs to be called off, you certainly will not be making a mistake in doing that. People cancel weddings; you are not the first and you will not be the last.

Forget about any feeling any potential embarrassment or shame here; that is all his really because he has caused this to happen. Your family will hopefully give you all the support you need going forward.

Learn from this in the long run; run fast in future from any man who declares a gambling problem and or has it under control. He has probably gambled all throughout your relationship too. Educate yourself re problem gamblers and addictive behaviours.

Your married life to him would have been a complete disaster and your ruin.

Re your comment:-
"Like I say, the gambling I could of possibly helped him through but I know it would of been very very hard."

It would have been the ruin of you because you also cannot help anyone who actually does not want to be helped. The fact too that you have no experience with gambling either made you think the above too, you would have simply ended up enabling him which would have only given you a false sense of control. You are and remain woefully underqualified to help him also because he does not want your help.

You do not have to see him any more either, let alone have a face to face conversation with him. You owe this man nothing.

Could you sell the wedding on? Probably for significantly less than you paid but at least you could recoup some of the money for your parents. Sorry about your situation. X

Our neighbours went through similar, except they were married. They were in the process of building a house. The wife had a gambling addiction and lost so much money that all
construction had to be stopped. The husband divorced the wife, got full custody of their twin dc but it took him years of hard work to get the house finished. They lived in a caravan on site. It was tragic: the twins (who were friends of my dd) became really "troubled" & their dad was never the same.

Don't marry this man.Compulsive gambling is an addiction, much like alcoholism & as such is an
illness. If he's in denial AND abusive, forget it. I'm so sorry, OP.

Better now than after you are married.