Need to cancel my wedding, can't be with my partner anymore :-( hand hold please

[user1497035637]

As the title says. I have no one to talk too so I'm on here. Supposed to be getting married in July. All booked and paid for by my family.

Tonight I have found out my partner has been gambling our money away - our savings. When I told him I knew he treated me like crap. He turned into the most vile person. He hasn't harmed me physically.

I can't be with him anymore, this isn't the person I was going to marry. I'm in so much shock by his outburst. It led me to have a panic attack to which he replied 'for fucks sale, get up off the floor'

We have no dcs together. House is rented but thankfully just in my name. No joint finances either apart from a loan.

I just need a hand hold. This morning I loved him so much. Tonight I am the opposite and pretty shocked.

As for his gambling habit. I have always known he has had a previous problem. He's always insisted it was under control. This is a first relapse - that I know of. I have no experience with gambling either.

When I found out, I was very understanding and calm. I showed him no anger. I felt sorry for him to be honest. And he's treated me like this.

I might fall asleep as I'm so drained but i have no one to talk too and this is going to be a long road ahead :-( I'm devastated x

I doubt it will just be through a bookies, OP, and it certainly won't be only £300 ... a true addict will have numerous streams through which he can gamble and may even be confused himself about exactly where he's placed money, though he'll certainly claim he has it all under control

I'm sure you probably realise this yourself, which is why you've been able to be brave enough to take the steps you have. The crucial thing now is to stick to it in the face of whatever he throws at you - and thank goodness for the support you have from lovely people like your dad

If he won it back then why didnt he replace the money he took?

He isnt controlling the gambling, the gambling is controlling him and until he understands that he will always be an addict.

"He had the gambling under control and I am over reacting apparently."

Even if true, it's fine to decide you don't want to be married to someone who gambles.

I don't want to be married to a gambler. More than that, I don't want to be treated like crap. Like I am being now. Because it's awful. And to be honest, the way he has treated me is worse than the gambling

I'm proud of you slidey. It takes a lot of guts to cancel a wedding. You are strong and will move on from this.

You really have dodged a bullet.

Do tell people the truth, do lean on them. You don't have to apologise or explain and justify. You've made the right decision, and I bet your dad is proud of you.

I think he'll try and crawl back. His text finishing things was him trying to shock you into crumbling and forgiving him. Well, that's another gamble he's lost on, isn't it?

You'll be fine, you have good family support. Take care x

He has shown the true him, one that would have come out eventually, sadly it would most likely have been when you were pregnant or just had your first child as that is the "favourite" time for abusive men to up their game.

In a way its good that he reacted like this because if he had been remorseful and sorry and promised to never do it again then there would be a chance that you would have had him back. At least this way you are free of him forever.

Yes there is absolutely no remorse from him. Nothing. It's laughable really. But also extremely sad. We could of had an amazing life together but he's thrown it all away.

Thank you so much for everyone's support xxx

I found out about debts 3 weeks after our wedding, so too late. The next two years were utterly miserable, I had lost all trust and respect for him. He ended up having an affair which finally gave me the excuse to give up and end it. Be thankful its not too late to walk away.

This is so hard because I still love him. I might sound like an idiot but I do. I'm not going back, 100%. I won't lie, it would be so easy to just forget this then go back and carry on as normal. Have the most wonderful wedding (I was supposed to have my dress fitting on Monday) and then let this happen again, like it has to so many it seems. Next time it happened, I would only have myself to blame.

This whole thing is absolutely shit though x

It's so hard, the rug has been pulled from under you. I promise in time you won't regret walking away.

This is so hard because I still love him. I might sound like an idiot but I do

You dont sound like an idiot at all. You cant just turn feelings off like a tap. If it helps though, the man you love isnt the man he turned out to be. That is the person you saw yesterday, the anger, the bitterness, lies....thats the real him. It takes a while to grieve the loss of the man he let you think he was, grieve for the life you thought you were going to have, but allow yourself to do that. Dont expect too much of yourself, getting over something like this takes time.

You have done exactly the right thing.

Life with an active gambling addict is hell and this one is an abusive nightmare on top. It's a progressive addiction and he's already desperate enough to steal from you. No telling where it can lead other than down.

Your dad sounds lovely Let him pamper you. You've had a horrible shock and it will take time to recover from it but in the long run you've dodged a bullet.

Well done, Slidey, and three cheers for SlideyDad!

You are so doing the right thing. My cousin's husband left her a couple of months ago and since then, she's discovered he'd been gambling. Still forensically trying to work out how much of their money he's lost - and it's looking like the TENS OF THOUSANDS. I am so glad you found out before you got married.

You're doing the right thing. A friend's husband had a decent job with the police, fully paid for house. He ended gambling the lot away, making them homeless and him jobless. He always used to tell us how generous casinos were, giving him free meals, even free nights. Obviously not twigging that the free stuff has to be paid for.

Thank you everyone. I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I will admit I feel I'm slipping abit. I want my old life back :-( I'm going to need a lot of support I think.

I know not to go back but omg this is so so hard xx

Stay strong. I know it's easy to feel like you just want to go back, but in time you will be glad you didn't go ahead with the wedding. There will be better things for you in the future. Respect yourself. I know it sucks, but it will pass.

Thank you so much. It's like one second I'm ok, I'm actually looking forward to the future and I feel so lucky to have found this out when I have. The next I'm like 'oh no, I can't live without him, I need to help him'

Everyone is right that I need to move on and I know that. I just need to stay strong but I feel like I'm failing right now. X

You're still in shock, your heart is trying to catch up with your head, it's natural to feel as you do.

One day at a time. I hope you manage some sleep. You really have done the right thing.

I'm sorry this has happened.

Take some time to write down the conversation you had tonight. What he said. How he looked. Really - this is so important. Any time you feel yourself getting weak, re-read it and remember what it was that made you know in that moment that you must not marry him.

Secondly, start telling people straight away. Make it real for yourself as soon as you can. Cancel the dress fitting, tell your parents, cancel the guests before they book travel. Seriously do it first thing in the morning. Once the wheels are rolling, you'll have way better motivation than just us to follow through with getting rid of this man.

Been awake since 3 :-( feel really sick like I could possibly throw up xx

slidey16 - these feelings will pass - you are grieving and probably in shock but in time you'll start to recover and feel stronger.
I often don't support the advice on MN telling women to leave their partners but in your case I absolutely do.
It wasn't the gambling that troubled me / it was his attitude - his lack of care and empathy for you when you were distressed.

I was once with a man like this - I ignored the warning signs and married him and I look back now and think how could I have been so foolish (apart from my two amazing children who also wonder at how I could have married him!) - it only got worse once we were married.

Thank you for your reply. That's exactly what I needed to hear.

The thing is, he is so loving. The way he would talk about me in front of his family and friends made me feel so special. The way he used to act with me when they were around. I've had people say to me how it's lovely to see him so happy and settled. He would ring me every day/ sometimes twice a day just to tell me he loved me. People are going to be so shocked.

I feel I should stop posting for a while on here because I can see myself becoming quite draining and I don't like it. I feel like I'm losing the plot x

Yes I do understand and that he can be so lovely makes it difficult but listen, what really matters is how he treats you when things are difficult, when the going gets tough, when you're vulnerable, when you're struggling - that's the true measure of him. And what you want in a partner is someone who is there for you through the tough times.

I hope you do keep posting slidey as you need support.

You are not becoming a drain on me! MN is a big place, there are a lot of MNetters here to give you support.

If you feel as if you are losing the plot, that does make a sort of sense, because a big part of your plan for the future has just been upended. People are likely to be shocked, yes. Do you think you are able to tell people the reason why you decided to call the wedding off? If you do not feel able to tell them the specific reason, it might be helpful to come up with a line that you can repeat in the face of people asking you questions. For example, "Something serious came up and us marrying won't be possible" and repeat ad nauseam.

It is possible for your ex-fiancé to behave in the way you describe and be a gambler too. It is tough right now. When I am feeling as if I am losing the plot it helps me to stay around people around whom I feel safe. For you this might be your dad. Are you able to stay with him for a bit, until you feel safe enough to be at home?