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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to cancel my wedding, can't be with my partner anymore :-( hand hold please

163 replies

user1497035637 · 09/06/2017 22:05

As the title says. I have no one to talk too so I'm on here. Supposed to be getting married in July. All booked and paid for by my family.

Tonight I have found out my partner has been gambling our money away - our savings. When I told him I knew he treated me like crap. He turned into the most vile person. He hasn't harmed me physically.

I can't be with him anymore, this isn't the person I was going to marry. I'm in so much shock by his outburst. It led me to have a panic attack to which he replied 'for fucks sale, get up off the floor'

We have no dcs together. House is rented but thankfully just in my name. No joint finances either apart from a loan.

I just need a hand hold. This morning I loved him so much. Tonight I am the opposite and pretty shocked.

As for his gambling habit. I have always known he has had a previous problem. He's always insisted it was under control. This is a first relapse - that I know of. I have no experience with gambling either.

When I found out, I was very understanding and calm. I showed him no anger. I felt sorry for him to be honest. And he's treated me like this.

I might fall asleep as I'm so drained but i have no one to talk too and this is going to be a long road ahead :-( I'm devastated x

OP posts:
Mix56 · 10/06/2017 08:05

Thank the LORD that you discovered this now.
You do not have to face him, listen to his anger, or squirming apologies.
Just say it's over . & mean it.
Call his parents & tell them, make it real both for you & for him,
Go to your Mum & then you can cry....

slidey16 · 10/06/2017 08:06

Yes we live together - unfortunately. He needs to come back today but I will go out. I'll go to my dads house I think. This is awful. I feel so sick. But thank you to everyone's replies.

I'm still feeling positive and lucky that this happened before the wedding. But equally as gutted and devastated xx

Screamifuwant2gofaster · 10/06/2017 08:16

Hi,

I know two people who something similar to this has happened to. Both are now very happy in their lives and so glad they left when they did.
One friend broke off her wedding a few weeks before-he verbally abused her out of the blue/said lots of awful stuff. She broke it off. The early months were very tough. The whole year was hard for her. Be kind to yourself. Fast forward a few years....she met someone else...absolutely lovely man, they've married. Last week I went to their baby boys christening. She has a brilliant life now.
My other friend got married knowing it was a bad decision. She just didn't know how to cancel/ was scared/ didn't want to upset everyone. He was a drug addict and physically abuse. They split up after 6 months. It took a long time for divorce to go through. Got very messy. Fast forward several years- she's met someone else, a great guy. They have a house together and two gorgeous kids. She's so happy but really wishes shed never married.
I think you are brave.
This will not be easy but you will get through it. If you saw my friends today you'd have no idea what they went through.
Take one day at a time.

Mix56 · 10/06/2017 08:17

he needs to come back Why ?? eventually he needs to come & collect his belongings, but it does not have to be today.
Well make sure all your valuables are locked up, your credit card PIN changed & that he has no access to your documents, computer & phone. he will be angry now, as he will be homeless (he probably doesn't believe this yet) he will be screwed financially.
Change the locks

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 10/06/2017 08:18

I know it would be awful, but I would be there when he gets back today. When my sister kicked her ex out when she found out about his gambling she did exactly that. When she got back the house had been ransacked and he'd taken loads of her valuables :(

Can you pack up most of his stuff to make it a bit quicker?

Mix56 · 10/06/2017 08:20

Can you ask your dad to come over to you ?

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 10/06/2017 08:21

Yes, definitely change the locks...

happypoobum · 10/06/2017 08:25

I don't understand - why does he have to come back? It's your home and you don't have to allow him in. Just bag up his shit and send it his mum/friend/work. Text him to tell him where it is. Job done.

YY to change the locks and definitely do not allow him access without you there he could clear you out!! Or he could refuse to leave. I wouldn't allow him over the threshold.

Mix56 · 10/06/2017 08:28

In fact ask your dad if he can stop at homebase on the way & buy new lock barrels & change the locks, its simple, there are tutorials on youtube

Footle · 10/06/2017 08:34

You need to be in the house when he comes back to fetch his things , and you need your Dad or someone else who makes you feel safe.

fruitlovingmonkey · 10/06/2017 08:35
Flowers At least you found out now. From a practical perspective: make a list of everything that has been booked and paid for for the wedding. Call each supplier in turn and (assuming they won't refund you) see if you can claw back something from the payment/ deposit. E.g. Using the venue for a family party, getting bouquets as gifts from the florist, changing the wedding cake to a birthday cake, etc.
saffronwblue · 10/06/2017 08:49

Well done for getting out now. The next few days and weeks may be a bit messy but then you will be free from a lifetime of misery and disappointment. If you were my daughter or sister I would support you to the hilt.

slidey16 · 10/06/2017 08:49

I have already thought about changing the locks - do I need landlords permisson for this?

He is coming back to get some stuff that's all. Which I don't mind.

I keep having a little wobble :-( thank you so much to everyone for helping me through this xx

diddl · 10/06/2017 08:55

Dodged a bullet by the sounds of things.

I'd get someone to be with you when he collects stuff.

Plus change locks so that he can't get back in & do damage.

Hopefully your parents will help cancel as they'll be wanting as much money back as possible.

Tell them that the decision is made & it's not up for discussion-don't let them try to change your mind.

LeninaCrowne · 10/06/2017 08:57

You need to tell people the truth if what is going on so they can help you now. Ask your family to come over. Bag up his stuff and put right by the door.

HanShootsFirst · 10/06/2017 09:02

coming back to get some stuff - he's not going to just walk in, meekly get his stuff and leave. In his mind he's done nothing wrong, in fact he thinks you are the one being unreasonable. He will either be angry and possibly dangerous, or else on his best, sweetest most apologetic behaviour. Which if you are already having a wobble is risky.

Please have your dad or a friend there when he comes to get his things, either to protect you or keep him from snowing you.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/06/2017 09:04

He is coming back to get some stuff that's all. Which I don't mind

Trouble is, will he really be prepared to simply pick up his stuff and go, or - given how he's already treated you - is he likely to turn nasty?

While you're absolutely right to end this, I really can't see him being happy about having his easy source of funds / a place to live being snatched away, and I'd be very worried about your safety

I doubt your landlord will have a problem over you changing locks - it's not as if you're doing it to be difficult - and anyway, as I've said, your safety comes first. Tell him what you're doing of course, but above all get those locks changed and keep him out

slidey16 · 10/06/2017 09:08

I am going to my dads in a minute, I just need to get out of the house so I won't be here. I need to change the locks like everyone is saying. But right at this moment I need to leave this house as I feel suffocated x

Falconhoof1 · 10/06/2017 09:09

How awful for you OP. All your dreams have been shattered but as you know, this is a lucky escape. How much harder it would be if you find out in a couple of months. Wish you the best of luck and hope you can get out of this without too much more heartache. X

Heirhelp · 10/06/2017 09:11

Can your Dad stay at your house will your ex collects his stuff and you go to your Dads house.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/06/2017 09:17

Good idea, Heirhelp

I absolutely get OP wanting to be out of there, but the practicalities matter too and there seems little point in allowing this individual to clean her out

KungFuEric · 10/06/2017 09:17

Really don't think you should leave a known angry gambling addict loose on your home. He's got nothing to lose now so will happily take any of your belongings, or even just trash the place. He might just take paperwork of yours that you wouldnt want him to have.

Pile his things up, and get your dad to be at home when he arrives.

AvoidingCallenetics · 10/06/2017 09:19

Take all valuables with you. Don't leave jewellery or anything he can sell.

AvoidingCallenetics · 10/06/2017 09:24

I'd stay put, bag up his stuff and put it by the door and call the locksmith now. Have your dad there when he comes.

If you have joint accounts get your money and close them down now. Tell the bank that overdraft facilities are to cease. Get back any joint credit cards. Don't leave your bank info lying around - change passwords. You would be surprised at the depths a gambler will stoop to when easy access to money is cut off.
You wouldn't have been able to help him with this. As awful as you feel, you really have dodged a bullet Flowers

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 10/06/2017 09:27

if you were my daughter I would be so proud of you for making this difficult decision now.

Regardless of how much I had spend on the wedding, I would rather waste it all than find you had married despite all this.
No parent wants to think of their child being in a difficult marriage, I would stand by you and think you had had a lucky escape.

Then I would take the decision not to cancel the drink order!

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