Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

400 replies

Henrythehoover · 06/06/2017 17:44

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 03/07/2017 11:47

Thanks at the moment I don't know how I feel. He keeps saying how he's going to change and make it work. I just don't know how to cope with it all. I'm feeling a bit more emotional today not in i want him back kind of feel bad for the kids. He thinks he's going to be back before out holiday (2 weeks away)

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 03/07/2017 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DistanceCall · 03/07/2017 12:29

He's an overgrown child. Probably the result of the way in which his mother brought him up, and then not choosing to do anything about it when he grew up, because he was comfortable. That's why he picked you - he wanted you to be a continuation of his mummy, and you allowed it.

I wouldn't worry about him, OP. He'll go back to his mummy who'll take care of him. Worry about yourself and your children (in the sense of, start getting things done).

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 03/07/2017 13:16

Yeah I think it's people's odd look when I try and say why. It sounds nice that someone wants you to be happy I can't seem to get across how wearing it is and it's got nothing to do with me being happy at all.

As for getting things sorted in was on the phone yesterday afternoon getting the ball rolling with tax credits.

I really never knew I'd get the strength to do this. Thank you everyone you have really helped.

OP posts:
rockabillyruby82 · 03/07/2017 17:41

Glad to hear your updates Henry, although not that it's causing you more emotional turmoil than necessary.
Take it one day at a time, look after yourself and your DC.
Follow the advice on here, be blunt, be decisive, stand firm on your decision.
Time is a healer for you and him.

StormTreader · 03/07/2017 17:49

Its exhausting having to constantly rescue a "victim", and even more annoying because telling anyone ends up sounding like youre just not being a nice supportive partner. Theres a huge difference though between giving someone a hand when they need it and giving them a full-time emotional piggyback through their entire bloody life!

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 03/07/2017 18:35

Tell me about it. I have his mum on my case at the moment about us getting back together.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/07/2017 18:51

Don't talk to his mum!

Send her a text. "MIL, I need you to stop asking me about my relationship with X. I'm glad you are supporting him through this and I know you are only trying to help. However, I am not going to engage in any further conversation with you about salvaging the relationship. It is not appropriate. I hope you understand. Henry x."

Then refuse point blank to talk to her about it. Talk over her then hang up if you have to "MIL, this is not an appropriate conversation, I am hanging up"

Also what on earth are you telling people about why you've split?! Surely you've split because he was selfish, lazy and got you into massive arrears on lunch fees meaning you had to borrow £400 from your mum! Say that to people.

Everyone knows he is obese, he smells, he wears dirty clothes, he doesn't work and they don't see him doing anything nice with the children. I don't think people would look at you like you are odd.

In fact I bet they are really looking at you oddly for the crazy reason of love bombing that you are giving them. They are thinking WTF, is she on glue? Does she not see what he is like?

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 03/07/2017 19:35

Just his friend telling me that all he does it care.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/07/2017 20:45

Um no, all he does is say he cares while behaving the opposite way. Which means it is bullshit.

StormTreader · 04/07/2017 10:09

"Just his friend telling me that all he does it care."

Ok, so say its true - he cares. Great. And what else? Does he support your needs, did he pay the lunch fees, does he look after himself and help out at home? "Caring" is not the beginning and the end of being an adult.

"There he is, slobbing on the whole sofa in a stinking dirty mess, caring".

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 04/07/2017 12:47

He does work but that's not the point. I know it's only early days but I've found something strange. I'm walking up in a good mood and everything at home seems call for the first time in ages. He's having the kids for a bit on Sat which will be odd. Just hope he doesn't play any funny business.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/07/2017 13:36

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

What funny business might he try alone with the children? What strategies could you give them cope? What preparation could you do? Stock phrases for them to parrot? Tell them that it is inappropriate to involve children in adult's arguments? Give them permission to say that to him and shut him down? Give them permission to call you to be picked up early if he upsets them?

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 04/07/2017 13:58

Good idea. I'm hoping as he seems to think there is a chance that he will behave. Just don't want him filling their heads full of crap. His back at his mum's now as his very house proud friend who was giving me earache only lasted one night with him round.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 04/07/2017 13:59

None of the children have a phone so calling me might be a problem

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 04/07/2017 14:31

Perhaps you could give your eldest child a cheap prepaid mobile phone so they can call you if they need anything.

In any case, they will need one when you separate.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 04/07/2017 17:05

Why will they need one?

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 04/07/2017 17:27

Well, given that your STBX is basically a slob and quite neglectful of his children, I wouldn't be happy leaving them with him without the means to call you if they want to leave or anything unexpected happens, to be honest.

Just imagine, e.g. they are meant to spend the weekend with their father and he hasn't bought any food, or done any washing, and the place is a dump. They should be able to call you rather than have to put up with it for two days.

DistanceCall · 04/07/2017 17:29

Also, as you were saying, your STBX might very well start dumping his emotional problems on your children, crying, moaning about how bad mummy has been, etc. You are the sane parent here. They need to be able to be in touch with you at all times.

tillyrosesmummy · 04/07/2017 18:36

Hi

I had the exact same problem but didn't have children with him. We were together 10 years and his personal hygiene was horrendous.
He was 42 and ten years younger than me.
Depression is horrendous but some people can also use this as an excuse.

You've done all the right things, you've talked to him, you've been brutally honest and it's not changed him.

It took me 18 months of soul searching but finally I left him and I've not looked back.

I know your circumstances are different because you have children, but they're solely looking at you now as the role model etc. You all should come first and if you dp can't understand that then it's time to move forward without him.

You deserve better .

He will go through all your emotions, blackmail, begging etc but keep strong.

I hope I've helped a little xx

tillyrosesmummy · 04/07/2017 18:42

typo he was 10 years older and used every emotional tactic going .

you will be fine as a single mum it's just the fear of the unknown but nothing can be worse than this.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 04/07/2017 20:04

Hi thanks everyone for your advice I have dug out my old brick phone for them just need to get a SIM.

I don't feel anger towards him at the moment I don't feel much really. I'm concentrating on the kids and I've actually been able to enjoy them without the dread of him getting back from work in the back of my head.

When the kids call he keeps asking to talk to me which seems pretty mean as they are really missing him.

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 05/07/2017 15:29

Don't let him wear you down... or anyone else! I think it's telling that his friend couldn't put up with the dirty slobbishness for more than a night, yet seems to think you should put up with it for a lifetime! Same with his mother I suspect.

I would remember that their opinions are not based on fairness at all, they have their own reasons for wanting you to take on this burden... when in fact, it's the grown man himself who has to take responsibility for himself. Just like every other adult does.

I remember how scared I was to split with my husband. And the peace and spaaaaaace I had when it finally happened. I feel uplifted and the world felt big and open again... not the grieving and misery and break down I was expecting!

As another poster has said, sometimes, you've spent all the tears already.

No shame in not feeling how you thought you would... and how HE told you you would! You might be disassociating a bit, as it's your strategy to protect yourself, and that's ok. Let your mind protect you for a bit, lord knows you deserve some protection from the emotional onslaught you usually have to deal with.

Just let yourself be, enjoy the calm and the space and the freedom from living in such an upsetting and oppressive way. But also arm yourself against the pressure to have him back. You may find that it doesn't seem so bad now you're out of it, so maybe you think you should give it another go as everyone is telling you to... but please don't! It WAS that bad, and no, he didn't 'just want you to be happy', he wanted you to pretend to be happy and accept his awfulness and selfishness. That is definitely not just wanting you to be happy!

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 05/07/2017 15:43

Thank you I know what you mean about not thinking it was that bad but it was. I dreaded waking up in the mornings I spent my evenings dreading him coming home. I just wanted to disappear. I didn't enjoy life or my children and that's no way to live. I've just got to remember that.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/07/2017 20:05

Someone on here once had a great suggestion that I have used many times since I read it.

Write down everything awful about living with him on one sheet of paper. Fold it up tightly. Keep it in your pocket when you are in a situation where you might start feeling guilty or likely to cave. When you feel yourself weakening, put your hand in your pocket and feel the folded paper. It gives you a physical boost of awareness and strength.

I've used it extensively in work situations, where it is a list of objectives to achieve with a difficult person along with reminders of what is difficult/slippery about them.