Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

400 replies

Henrythehoover · 06/06/2017 17:44

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
BIWI · 02/07/2017 08:20

He can go to his mother's surely?

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 02/07/2017 08:24

Apparently he can't stand the questioning

OP posts:
friedegs · 02/07/2017 08:29

Just think - once the dust settles you can make a new life for you and DC. It's exciting too. Don't waste more time. Life is short and it can be much sweeter. Good luck. Be strong.

dailymailarecunts · 02/07/2017 08:34

It isn't your problem where he goes though, if he doesn't like the questioning he can arrange to rent a flat or something near by. You are so used to looking after him, he's making this your problem and it really isn't.

If it helps with you making the break, can you ask him to go temporarily as a trial? That way you are making baby steps but it gets him out the house and gives you and your kids a chance to see how refreshing it will be not living under his cloud.

Financially, please check tax credits - and get him to set up a direct debit for maintenance.

I promise you are doing really well, but this half pulling off the Elastoplast approach is probably making things harder for you all at the moment as the uncertainty is hard.

Good luck, we are all cheering you onFlowers

YorkshireTree · 02/07/2017 08:39

Send him away. He needs to LEAVE so you have the space to sort your head out without him dripping his poison. Did he pay the breakfast club money?

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 02/07/2017 08:43

No he didn't I borrowed it from my mum

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 02/07/2017 08:51

He's giving me so much grief I've said I need a break but he's turning it all on me in a I'd never blame you kind of way.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 02/07/2017 08:54

You seem to have made the right decision for yourself.

He had been given a lifeline to save his marriage and he didn't take it. Involving the kids is very low and sneaky. Don't doubt that he knew exactly what he was doing.

Not paying the breakfast club money is your clearest indicator that things will never change.

He has done the things that make his life easier. Having a shower surely mostly benefits him.

I would stay strong and send him to his mothers. Nothing will change between today and tomorrow. A clean break is best. Less confusing for him too as he will know that you mean it.

Congratulations on having the strength to get rid. X

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 02/07/2017 08:55

Just read the whole thread for the first time and felt compelled to say that I know it's hard but please leave this relationship permanently. You are wasting valuable life.

He is exhausting with his emotional manipulation and totally unattractive not washing or brushing his teeth. He will never 'get it' because you explain how you feel, he then puts on a half arsed 'performance' of how he thinks he should behave and then asks if he's done enough and will you now love him forever. Though even if he genuinely 'changed' you would never really want him now. And I'm not sure anyone can change as much as he would need to anyway!

You can definitely cope on your own. In fact it'll be a whole lot easier without him! And I guarantee your children will be happier. Please stop allowing him to make you and your children miserable and reclaim your lives and happiness.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 02/07/2017 09:00

Oh and it's not surprising his piles on the emotional manipulation because it works every time. You say you're unhappy and it's over but then he goes on and on at you and you then give in. It's like a child who has blurred boundaries who understand that when mum says 'no you can't have a biscuit five minutes before dinner' she actually means 'well if you go on at me enough then maybe you can have it....oh actually stop your nagging and crying I've changed my mind yes you can have it after all!'

Decide what you want and how you see that working, tell him and STICK TO IT!

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 02/07/2017 10:48

So I've dropped him at work. He's already called loads so I've txt him that if he really loves me he will give me space.

OP posts:
dailymailarecunts · 02/07/2017 10:50

Can you drop his things at his mums house and text him to say that is where he needs to make his way after work? Then maybe switch your phone off and just breathe for the rest of the day. You have done so well- but you need to make this break, for your kids as well as yourself

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 02/07/2017 11:57

I've said I'll be out till later and back with my mum so go get stuff and go

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 02/07/2017 11:59

Just not sure what to say to the kids.

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 02/07/2017 12:00

Oh bless you. well done OP, i think you have done the right thing. Stay strong.

despicableshe · 02/07/2017 12:39

"The time I told him to leave he gathered all the children together and stood there crying saying mummy making him go. They all started crying and I ended up backing down."

My exH did similar shit. It's not on and unforgivable IMO. Better to be a single parent than have all that nonsense IME.

Kateallison16 · 02/07/2017 15:50

Well done op. Worst is over now so please do not cave.

Your future is already looking so much brighter.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 02/07/2017 18:14

Thanks everyone. The kids have all spoken to him on the phone this eve then I got told he is going to show me how he can change ect. How he can see what he's done wrong.

After 10yrs this is so hard. But strangely I don't feel upset which is odd

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/07/2017 18:22

I once had a conversation with a very old lady whose husband had just died. Their marriage had not been happy. He was a lazy so and so. She told me that it was hard but she that she was not upset. She followed this up with the explanation "I did all my crying a long time ago."

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 02/07/2017 19:38

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. His mum just called to see if I was ok and how she's worried about his mental state. I just agreed with her and left it at that. I must be such a horrible person I don't feel anything

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/07/2017 21:23

You've done nothing but worry about his mental state for years. It hasn't helped him, your support has actually made him worse. You are not horrible. Deep down you know that the only way to help him is to cut yourself off and make him look after himself.

How much has he worried about your mental state over the years? How many different ways has he found to ease the load on you? Not much, except when you are absolutely at the end of you tether. If you think it is horrible to not feel another's pain then my god, he is a 1000 times more horrible than you.

despicableshe · 02/07/2017 22:03

Henrythehoover - I can truly identify with you. I totally agree with RunRabbit YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON because you don't feel anything. It sounds like it was over for you from some time ago.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 03/07/2017 05:25

Hi everyone slept like a log last night curled up in the corner of the bed as I usually have to. I have a feeling this is all going to hit me soon isn't it? For now though I'm concentrating on the children who are understandably upset and confused.

I have work today and have to sort out how to afford living I've contacted tax credits already and so that's being processed. Just need to work out what else I need to sort.

His mum called me last night to see if I was ok and keeps on talking about giving him another chance as he's Ill. I feel like a real bitch on that side of things but at the moment I just feel relieved. As I said I know I may be hit by a huge feeling of what have I done.

OP posts:
Itsseweasy · 03/07/2017 07:36

I was one of the posters who said you should leave him (or rather that I would have done so a long time ago!)
I think you're fantastic for being brave and strong enough to do so.
You are doing both yourself, your children and him a favour in the long run as there's no way he will get better with you there enabling him (I don't mean that in a negative way towards you).
He proved that by making positive changes for 5 minutes and then throwing it back in your face with your eldest daughter! That's shocking.
We're here any time you need to chat/vent x

Kateallison16 · 03/07/2017 09:40

You are doing brilliant op.

Of course his mum wants you to take him back, because now she is lumbered with him. To be honest even if he is unwell - that doesnt make him be an arsehole, he did that by himself.

The hardest part is over now. The kids may be upset for a while but eventually they will love having a happy mummy.

He probably will keep begging to come back, try to woo you with affection. But you know its all an act. Eventually the "am i doing good- will u stay with me forever" will come out.

I think he needs help and a healthy dose of reality.

You need to now learn to be you again, without him hanging over you. I bet by christmas you are a whole new woman with a much happier life.

Swipe left for the next trending thread