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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

400 replies

Henrythehoover · 06/06/2017 17:44

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 06/07/2017 09:07

Great idea. He's good at talking me round.

Last night I scrubbed the house from top to bottom then sat down and cried my eyes out. I can't remember the last time I cried. I'm not even sure what I was crying about.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/07/2017 17:47

Emotional release. That's good. It means you now feel safe to have an emotional release.

Or maybe you just hate cleaning.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 06/07/2017 18:29

Haha maybe your right. His mum came to see the kids today and guess who came with her!

OP posts:
Crazeecurlee · 06/07/2017 19:27

Hi Henry, I've read this thread over this week and didn't have anything to add to what previous posters have said so have kept quiet, but just wanted to say it's so nice to see such a change in your mood since you found the strength to leave. You sound like you're handling things really well. He sounds massively abusive tbh and you need to prioritise your mental health needs and your children's over his. Ultimately though doing this will probably actually help him. How did it go when he came round today?

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 06/07/2017 20:01

It was ok to start the kids were over the moon then he turned his attention on me and it was like it used to be all over again! If i heat the words "is there a chance" one more time I'm gonna scream Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 06/07/2017 20:02

He bought a load of food round for us which I guess is nice. I feel so drained.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/07/2017 21:42

Was there a reason you stayed in while he was visiting? Might be better to go out for a coffee next time.

Did his mum really just bring him along unannounced? That is outrageously out of order! Did you tell her off? Is that the end of her having visits to you rather than children going to her?

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 06/07/2017 21:57

Yes she did. I don't want them here on there own and I was civil because of the kids.

My sister thinks in mad letting him have them for a few hours sat as he clearly isn't in a good mental state.

OP posts:
Crazeecurlee · 06/07/2017 22:18

I'm sorry Henry, that sounds stressful. Re the food: it doesn't seem nice at all it sounds v. manipulative. What do you think about him having them Saturday? Are you worried?

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 06/07/2017 22:23

I don't know my sis is worried about the fact they fast tracked concilling and he's been signed off.

I don't think he would hurt them

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 06/07/2017 22:27

If he's so depressed that he's been fast tracked for counselling and been signed off, I don't think him spending time on his own with the children is a good idea. Can his mother be with them too?

And remember to give the mobile phone to your eldest.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 06/07/2017 22:29

They are going round his mum's so she will be there.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 06/07/2017 22:51

Then I think they'll be OK. I don't think it will be much fun for your children, though.

Ask them afterwards if they enjoyed it and if they want to do it again. If he tries to manipulate them by bringing them into your relationship ("Can you tell mummy to let me come back home?" "I'm so sad since mummy told me to leave", etc.), nip it in the bud.

I understand he may be depressed, but your children should not suffer because of it. He's the adult. They are children.

YorkshireTree · 07/07/2017 09:34

I think you need to be blunt with him now. You are happier and calmer alone.

When he asks if there is a chance just say no. Keep saying no. If he asks why just say you are happier on your own. You do not need to justify yourself anymore than that. No you are not going to let him back and you are happier by yourself.

It will feel harsh and cruel at first but it will be better in the long run for you, him and the children. He needs to adjust himself to the new reality and prepare himself for life as a divorcee father.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 07/07/2017 09:52

We aren't married so I don't have all that to deal with thank goodness.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 07/07/2017 16:01

I'm feeling weird today I think it's dawned I've finally done it. Bit worried about money as everything takes weeks to go through and all of this month's wages went on bills. The little bit of tax credits I used to get has been stoped and it's all a bit scary.

OP posts:
Crazeecurlee · 07/07/2017 19:39

Henry, can you contact a local organisation like citizen's advice? They might be able to point you in the direction of any emergency funds/help you can get if you're worried. Please stop worrying about his mental health, you have your own to think about. If his mum will be there and you're not worried then I don't see the issue. It might do you some good to have some alone time and for him too to get used to seeing the kids without you. He's not likely to suddenly get better so it's something that will probably need getting used to. Agree with distance's advice though.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 07/07/2017 20:09

Feeling a bit better he's set up maintenance so that's a start and we are sorting it so we have the children every other weekend (depending on his work) I'm distancing myself and just taking it one day at a time. I'm also looking forward tomorrow as I'm going for lunch with my brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 08/07/2017 18:27

Hi everyone had a really good day until now. He just won't get what he's done he just talks and talks at me and I can't deal with it Sad

OP posts:
Onedayoneday · 08/07/2017 18:33

Where is he? I thought he had left.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 08/07/2017 19:52

He has he had the kids today and as I was civil and said hi he took it we had a chance. Keeps on and on like a fucking toddler who's not used to getting there own way. Then took it out on his mum. She dropped them back and I said I don't want to talk about it. She seemed shocked and just went I don't know how you've lived with that!

OP posts:
comedycentral · 08/07/2017 22:29

He sounds so difficult. You are doing well OP.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 08/07/2017 23:25

Could be helpful that his mum now sees how fucking annoying he is.

He obviously thinks you can be browbeaten and pestered into being his mummy-wife again just to shut him up. How deeply unattractive.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 08/07/2017 23:35

His mum is part of the cause I don't think he's been told no before. It's really making me realise I've done the right thing.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 09/07/2017 04:01

Yes, you've absolutely done the right thing. Keep strong and don't give in.

He just won't get what he's done he just talks and talks at me and I can't deal with it

You don't have to deal with it. Just keep repeating that no, you prefer to be alone. Ignore everything else. And you are allowed to end conversations. "I don't want to go over this again. There is nothing to talk about. Bye".