Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

[Henrythehoover]

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

Thought I'd come back to update as far as things with the house and kids go it's a lot better. He's doing up one of the rooms and spending more time chatting with the kids. He still can't seem to help himself asking if I'm ok every five minutes and is still pretty needy. I guess it's not easy to change a habit of a lifetime . The constant asking for sex is still there to but hey. They atmosphere at home is better so that's a good thing.

Myself I've not been to good lately I seem to have lost the will to do anything and just I'm not sure how to explain it feel sad. I guess that's the word for it. I'm not sure why as like he says he's doing what I want but i seem to have lost my lust for life I just feel like a shell of my former self and I don't know why. Maybe I'm just waiting for it all to go back to how it was. I don't know. Hope you are all ok and thanks for all your help

Hi OP.

It doesn't sound great re the neediness and pestering for sex. It's like he's doing just enough to keep you on side.

Could that be why you feel down? To be honest it sounds like it's too little late for you and maybe you are just grieving? It's natural.

So, can you see yourself ever wanting to have sex with him? Enjoying his company?
If not, you might as well end it and put both of you out of your misery.

I wonder if you'd got used to the idea that you were going to split up, but as he's now trying, you feel you can't let him down, but you're now feeling that the new life you had envisaged without him, is not going to happen. That could be why you're feeling the way you are.

We have had sex. Maybe your onto something though I had planned everything and now it's not happening. I don't dislike do that's the thing I think it's just the years of being not completely happy have caught up. As for so he's over the moon about it all.

Dp not do

Hey Henry, I've just read this entire thread and I couldn't read and run, especially after your last update.
Your DPs behaviour has run you down and now you feel stuck. I think I can answer why you feel sad. Earlier you were assertive in your choice, you'd made your mind up. I bet you had visions of what your life could be like, being happy again, your kids being happy but your fear overcame you and now you're mourning that loss.
I think you need to go to your GP, discuss how you're feeling.
And you need to ignore the fear.
I'm a single mum with 2 DC and a mortgage, yep it was scary to start but it worked out and it will for you.
Here for advice or hand holding

Is he keeping himself clean op?

Yes for now.

Hi OP - it doesn't really sound like he's undergoing a big change, just that some changes are being made and of course you don't even know if they'll stick. Doesn't sound like you have confidence in that happening long term?

See if he has changed enough - and you're happy - in a month or two. The thing is, he might change completely and you still might not be happy. Why? Because he's shown such a degrading part of his character for so long. Like trying to love a prince but knowing he's been a troll inside and out for years.

I really don't love that he's still being needy to be honest. Of course couples don't always need to be massively in lust but this sounds pretty horrific. There's no need for you to be keen on sex. He should be focusing on changing his fundamentals before pawing over you. It's demeaning and not respectful when he has things to prove to you.

I understand you want to encourage him and be understanding, but please don't do so at the loss of your happiness

OP, have you sat and worked out finances?
If you're working 16-30 hours per week you're eligible for working tax credits then add child tax credits and child maintenance.
If he's just paying rent you'll probably find, with the above and your wage, you'll be fine. Plus less to pay for food!

Yeah I have I think id be better off. I work 25 hours at the moment. Especially as we are in a housing association property the rents not that high.

What do you want to do? I think someone suggested to write stuff down, I've found that helped and still does now.
Keep posting here no matter what, you'll get support either way

You had decided to leave. Him reducing his shitness from level 10 to level 7 has made you think you have to stay with him. Probably because you've been conditioned to put his needs above everyone else's.

It's OK to say I appreciate the effort but it is too little too late. The love and respect has gone. It's over.

His change of behaviour shows that he would be perfectly capable of managing on his own if you made him leave. Sadly it is too little too late to save your feelings for him.

It is soul destroying to live with someone who repulses you. Did you enjoy the sex? Or did you tolerate it to keep him quiet?

This is a very distressing thread to read. I recognise the cycle of you desperately wanting him to realise what he is about to lose and do a U-turn, becoming all the things you thought he could be.
He isn't a fantastic partner. He saw you with one foot out the door and is doing just enough to keep you at home.

This may sound harsh but you need to open your eyes. Even take yourself out of the equation - he is not a nice person to have around your children. He doesn't want them around, and whether you believe this or not, they will know this. And they will always grow up wondering why they weren't important enough for you to protect them.

You owe them more than this. You were almost out. 2 more steps and he would have been gone. Be brave OP, he needs to leave.

Oh op, you sound like your inner self is cowering, as you allow him to walk right over you each time you try to break up! You are letting him hurt you! You are panicking inside because you know that he makes it impossible to end things!

Your heart has already checked out of this relationship, not only is there no love left, there is no respect. Every time you give him another chance you are telling him that what you want doesn't matter and that you will always let him off the hook! He couldn't even be bothered to clean up after himself at a time he was meant to be 'proving that he can change'!

He has zero respect for you! Are you a naturally timid person op? Is he a manipulator, who takes everything you say and twists it, until you believe that giving him another chance, was your idea? If this is the case I would be considering having a friend watch the children, whilst you pack him a bag. Have a friend/family member come over, tell them what you want from your conversation with your dh. 1. Your Marriage is over, tell him he knows why but that is too little, too late. 2. Give him the bag 3. Ask him to leave (tell him you will email regarding contact with the children) 4. Tell him he can arrange a time to collect his things (when you and children are out of the house and a friend/ relative will be there to oversee)

When he starts trying to manipulate you (ask friend/ relative to intervene if this happens, repeating steps 1-4) which he will, be firm and ask him to leave again! If needed have friend/ relative take over and go into another room.

Once things settle, I would look into counselling, especially the freedom programme! I hope I am wrong but I very much suspect that you were coerced into having sex! If this is the case, it is rape and you will need counselling to process this. It may also be a major contribution to your self esteem and poor mental health recently! You deserve better op!

I am meek I'm known by most people for being quiet. I keep feeling like I'm making a fuss about nothing and maybe it's just me that has the problem. Also I'm scared how I'll cope with the kids on my own. Maybe all the "how can I work when you can't cope" thing is getting to me. I don't know. I'm feeling really fragile today

How does he make life with the kids easier? How does he make life with kids harder?

How does he make the rest of your life easier? And harder?

Make lists.

Hi all thought I'd check in. Yesterday was tough. I told him again how he's smothering me and how just because he's doing stuff round the house for a week doesn't mean I will suddenly snap back to how I used to be. He said he understood and he would back off.

So last night we took oldest out for a treat. She mentioned how the room looks good ect and he starts this whole conversation with her about does she think he's changed much ect. She awkwardly says he's more chatty. Then he said do u love me more now I'm trying. She looks puzzled and says I've always loved you your my dad. Then he starts all this do u think mum loves me crap.

Grrr I wish I could lose it I wish I could be more angry. Wtf is wrong with me? He just wears me down so much. I told him what he did was wrong and she's only fucking 12 he said all the usual I'm sorry stuff but I'm not sure he cares.

I know most of you probably think I'm so weak. If be pissed off with me reading this I'm so bloody pathetic.

Sorry it's really helping to were all this down he's using the kids against me again isn't he.

Thought I'd give a bit of a back story up until this year I've been suffering with depression I didn't realise it as I was just cut off like I was watching ny life through a tv. I didn't feel happy sad anything really. I started to realise something was up as I wasn't reacting to things normally. So I went to the Dr's who have put me on antidepressants. Apparently it's a coping thing I do that when I'm unhappy or stressed I dissconect but I got stuck like it. So now I've been taking them for a while i think I'm realising why I got so bad.

Write not were

What did he say about the non payment of breakfast club money?

Just read the whole post op.
Its awful to see you going around in circles.

In truth, unless you bite the bullet and get out of this relationship you are going to be very unhappy for the rest of your life.

That is the reality.

Your poor children having to be questioned and put up with his freakshow questioning.

If you stay with him then you cannot keep moaning. Saying "i know im meek/pathetic/week doesnt excuse your enabling. Sorry op - tough love.

I've just told him it's over. I think last night was the last straw.

I can't believe I've done it. He's asking to stay tonight as he has no where to go. And if I can cope by myself ect