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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

400 replies

Henrythehoover · 06/06/2017 17:44

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 21/06/2017 13:17

I've told him that so many times over the years. I've always been very much I don't need anyone type and I don't plan for forever as no one can do that.

He on the other hand is very needy and wants to plan everything. So that's always been a clashing point!

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 21/06/2017 13:18

Oh ffs just typed that and the school phone to inform me that I ow them just £400 in breakfast club fees!! He was supposed to be fucking paying that. It's the fucking one thing he was meant to do and he hasn't. Shit where am I going to get that from??

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 21/06/2017 13:22

It just feels like I'm loosing control and I need to get it back

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 21/06/2017 13:34

Does he have his own bank account, or do you have a joint account?

Don't forget that when you split he will have to contribute financially (assume he works?) so there's no need to think you have to manage everything on your own.

It would be worth seeking advice (from CAB) about benefits etc in case he decides he won't pay maintenance for the DC.

But honestly - aren't you living like a single parent now anyway? And a single parent to 4, rather than 3, DC.

And why should you assume that you must be the one to pay the school the money owing? He's as much the parent as you are. If he's supposed to have paid it, and hasn't, hand the problem back over to him.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 21/06/2017 13:38

That's true I just hate being in debt

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 21/06/2017 13:40

As for bank accounts we have separate. He's always wanted joint but I have trust issues since being left up to my eyeballs in debt by my ex.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 21/06/2017 13:47

"The school have just phoned me to say you are £400 in lunch fees, you need to pay that this week."

If he was meant to be paying it, and you have separate bank accounts, then theres no need for you to find the money surely?

StormTreader · 21/06/2017 13:47

*£400 overdue

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 21/06/2017 15:48

I know but I worry as it's mounting up. Anyway that's really the least of my problems isn't it I need to sort out the bigger problems

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 21/06/2017 20:53

So things are coming to a head I think once the kids are in bed this is it. I know I have no money but I can't do this anymore. Hand hold someone please

OP posts:
Reow · 21/06/2017 20:54

Good luck OP.

Think how relieved and free you will be once it's done. You only get one life and you deserve to be happy.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 21/06/2017 21:08

Thanks it's just so hard to do he knows all the things to say to make me feel awful.

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MsWanaBanana · 21/06/2017 21:10

Aw OP I'm thinking of you. Sending you hugs and best wishes. Let us know how it goes x

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 21/06/2017 21:11

There are so many things going through my head like how I'm going to sort full time this week and next (his mum's helping). I guess that's not really important. How I'm going to live for the next couple of day. Ect ect

OP posts:
MsWanaBanana · 21/06/2017 21:11

Agree with Reow you get one life. You deserve to be truely happy and so does he

MsWanaBanana · 21/06/2017 21:13

Not gonna lie, it will be hard and you are in for a rough few weeks. There is light at the end of the tunnel though and you will feel relieved once everything calms down

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 21/06/2017 21:13

That's true I just know the crap he's going to throw at me I've just got to be strong haven't I.

OP posts:
MsWanaBanana · 21/06/2017 21:19

You have to be strong if that is what you really want. From the sound of your previous threads it does seem like you have made the decision to leave and you don't think things will get better. BUT, there's no rush and if you need more time to think about things then that's ok too. Just go with your gut and do what's best for your family best you can

jacquejacque · 21/06/2017 22:08

OP I've just read this thread and my heart breaks for you. I just wanted to offer another hand hold and say you CAN do this. No matter how hard, you can. FlowersWine

WellThisIsShit · 21/06/2017 22:12

Do it in your own time, not because he's manipulating you round to a confrontation.

He sounds vile, so childish and pathetic. He's twisted even this last chance into a ga ga goo goo me baby you mama type of dynamic... which is enough to make anyone feel sick! I'd want to shout at him ... 'Buck up and be an adult ffs! Wash yourself, clean yourself, sort out your own issues and above all, stop with the pathetic presence of doing stuff as a one off and asking if everything's better now!'

Ffs!!! Why would him having a shower suddenly make everything right?!?! Then the badgering to know if his pathetic half arsed gestures can stop yet!

He's not taking responsibility at all. Yuck.

Do get him to pay what he owes for school lunches so you don't end up struggling with that on top of everything else.

Take care.

Pouncival · 22/06/2017 09:02

I recently had to speak to an employee about their bone idleness - it wasn't easy and it's been going on for many years. It got to the point where I said to my DH, the thought of going on in the same way is now worse than having the actual conversation.

The hardest part is how to start the conversation. For a few days before I worked out all the things I wanted to get into the conversation and how to start it. I then took a deep breath and went for it.

You have to decide is the thought of going on in the same way now worse than having that final conversation?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/06/2017 19:28

You have several big advantages over him. One of them is I just know the crap he's going to throw at me

Go on, tell us, what crap is he going to throw at you? Predict the future and maybe we can suggest some tactics to help you get through it.

WellThisIsShit · 23/06/2017 22:38

How are you this evening OP?

Did it all blow up or did you manage to keep a lid on it for now?

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 24/06/2017 20:53

Hi I'm ok. We are trying and so far it's ok. Just going to take one day at a time

OP posts:
jacquejacque · 24/06/2017 22:58

Good to hear you're ok OP. Don't disappear though - we are all here if you need to talk through anything Flowers