Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

[Henrythehoover]

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

Never thought of it that way. Yes I guess be is.

He not be

How soul destroying for your children to have father / step father who is crap, picks fights with them, doesn't even see them as human beings, not worthy of a seat on the sofa, just as creatures who get in the way of his relationship with you.

And a mother who doesn't think them worth a place on the sofa either. Your job is to make him move for them but you haven't, night after night after night. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, I'm saying that to point out how ridiculous it is to say you let him stay because he cries in front of the children and it upsets them.

Who put the garden equipment away?

I did as it would get either stolen or ruined. As our garden is open to the shared path for the other houses.

I know I'm to blame for all of this and I've let them down massively.

Why didn't you say "you left the stuff out?" He is best behaviour so that would go fine, right?

I did and got "I'll do it in the morning
"

What stopped you from saying "It will get stolen or ruined. Get it now"

Does he even know he fucked up?

Oh Henry. He's sounding very much like my dad. None of us kids see him now and I wish, wish, wish that my mum had divorced him much earlier. He did the 'lettuce leaf' thing too - only it was 'Ski yoghurt' instead.

He used my brothers as shields just like your husband did. I'll never forget my brother's scream when he told him, "Your mother is divorcing me". What a abhorrent thing for a parent to say to one of their children.

If you can find the network that you need to give you the strength to get out of this your life will change and you'll never look back. Your husband sounds horribly manipulative and this month that he's asking for... how many has he had already? If it was important to him to show you, he would have done it several times over by now.

You could afford to wait if you didn't have kids but you do and they are being imprinted with your husband's behaviour - and with yours. It's not good for them to see you flip-flopping (albeit it's completely understandable that you feel like a rabbit in the headlights) - and your husband's behaviour will probably manifest in your children's behaviour as they grow up. They will probably need some dedicated time with you to get rid of that because it will be there.

You don't have the time that you think you do, your children are too involved, have seen - and are continuing to see - far too much. It's so damaging.

The suggestion to give him the month but AWAY from home is a good one. He isn't going to change but you and your children will not have to witness it, his mother will and perhaps she won't mind. If she abandons you and your children now then that's her loss not yours or theirs and you'll manage fine without her.

Please start making your plans and follow through this time. Promise anything - but plan for your future with your children and yourself, WITHOUT him.

Wishing you bucket-loads of strength - and a backbone of steel.

Thank you! I'm starting to think saying a month was a bad idea he's going to go overkill isn't he. I know I have done a lot wrong too. My mum always says I do things for an easy life as I hate do confrontation.

He didn't go overkill. He went underkill by failing to put the garden equipment away. He doesn't even know what overkill is.

How many strikes is that now? What do you say when he asks if this is enough now and do you pledge your undying love?

If my DH mowed the lawn, left out the garden equipment for me to clear up and tried to frame it as if I should be grateful for the mowing. I wouldn't be thinking wow, he's desperate to please me, what a glorious man he is, this is just total overkill niceness.

When you tell him to leave there will be confrontation. No doubt he will be furious that his pathetic crumbs of being slightly less of a toss pot didn't work. Do you know how you will handle it if he starts threatening suicide in front of the children?

You are still picking up after him- you should have said, no you need to get it now.

Not that any of it makes a hot of difference- he's already showing you he's not going to change.

I'm sorry OP. I think you need to use this month to quietly make plans. But do pull him up on his crap- every time.

Please stop dancing to his tune. He's pathetic, the whole situation is pathetic. Your children really don't deserve this: being ignored, being belittled, not being able to even sit on a sofa. For fuck's sake, most dogs are treated better and more affectionately than that.

Wow. Your husband is exactly like my friend's husband!

• poor hygiene & obese
• can't deal with the kids by himself
• obsessed with her to the detriment of kids
• no genuine interest in the kids
• selfish (like the sofa-hogging thing)
• emotionally manipulative
• childishly dependent on her
• lazy

Etc etc.

My DF left her husband last year, and took the 3 kids aged 6, 5 and 2. Sold the house, split the assets, got herself a cheap rental property. He has predictably tried to manipulate her and been an arsehole every step of the way. Despite that, the kids are absolutely thriving and it's as if a weight has been lifted off her.

You can do it. Life can be better than this.

Ok I've decided I'm waiting 2 weeks till payday then thats it. (Cant live on £10 for 2 weeks) it's my name only on the tenancy and I pay most of the bills except the rent hence my lack of cash so hopefully I can sort that. I feel like im slowley starting to see the truth plus I feel like I'm at a point even if he changed completely I couldn't go back.

You might want to consider how you intend to interact with him over the next two weeks, especially if you can't afford to end it sooner.

If he realises the scales have fallen from your eyes it could escalate quickly. You might find it incredibly hard to tolerate his shit for even two weeks as you see the truth.

He's being very over the top with the "are you ok" "why aren't you happy stuff at the moment" also walking in when I'm watching tv turning it off and saying "you look sad talk to me!" It's driving me nuts. To the point if I yawn I get "are you tired!" Or I stretched this morning and he goes "nice stretch" maybe I'm being over the top but it's like having everything you do analysed. I feel like I'm on a nature documentary!

walking in when I'm watching tv turning it off and saying "you look sad talk to me!"

WTF? I hope you turned the TV on again and told him to bugger off!!!

God, it must be exhausting and incredibly irritating, living like that.

Yeah I did. It's like living under a microscope. I'm happy to go to work for some peace.

He's going to ramp up the volume these weeks, Henry. Be ready for tantrums, sulks, crying, and threats of suicide. And yes, in front of the children.

And keep calm but firm at all times. Don't be dragged into his game or give in. That's what he wants.

I'm trying. He's doing a lot to the house at the moment and had already started the "if I carry i like this will we be together forever?" Stuff to which I said it's been 4 days and it's not fair to keep asking that. I just feel so smothered.

"If I say we'll be together forever then you'll just stop trying again, wont you? So, no."

"if I carry i like this will we be together forever?"

Oh, FFS, what is he, five?

Just keep repeating: "Please stop repeating that. It's extremely smothering". Or something to that purpose. Over and over and over. Broken record tactics.

Oh, and also, tell him to please stop behaving like a child and start behaving like a grownup. And that you're not his Mummy so stop it.