Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

[Henrythehoover]

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

no need to be sorry to us, but you have got closer this time. Better luck next time, and it will come.

Thank you I just have this fear that I will never get the strength to do it and I will waste my life being unhappy.

Summon the strength. Easier said than done but like you said you risk wasting your life and being unhappy. Do it for you and the children. He's not going to change. And you know the reasons why and they're all perfectly understandable. He knows as well and isn't changing he just wants to guilt you into staying with him as that would suit him just fine.

I know I will find the strength but when he starts crying I just want to shut him up so back down. It makes me feel sad as sometimes things are ok mainly when we are out and not doing normal stuff. I just feel like I go round and round in circles.

Could you find some way of avoiding the part where he starts crying? Write a heartfelt letter then give him a certain amount of time to think about it before you see him, for instance?

To be honest, though it might hurt in the short term, this could be a positive turning point in his life if he wakes up to the fact that he can't just let things trundle along and has to actually do something. My husband left after really shitting around with me, making me out to be a crap person, and though at first it was awful, it brought me into therapy. I learned to face some of my fears and got help with my depression and anxiety, and have developed as a person as a result. In some ways I could thank my ex for his shittiness, as otherwise I'd still be sitting at home in a state of mild depression. Maybe your partner will benefit too in the long term.

What do you feel guilty about re your children? You could just as easily feel guilty for making them live in an unpleasant atmosphere, hearing their dad vilify their mum, couldn't you?

I was thinking that it may help him. I also sometimes feel like I'm making a fuss about nothing and that maybe it's me that has the problem. Then things like he told our 9yo he could light a candle by himself and when I found out and questioned him denied it even though our 9yo and 12yo were saying he did. Also if anyone comes to visit he goes and sits upstairs which I don't think sets a good example to the kids.

Argh why am I so useless at this stuff.

Your kids will probably be glad he's gone once the initial drama settles down. Don't be scared of him crying, he's allowed to get upset but it shouldn't change anything. Life is way too short to carry on like this. You don't need to wait til you feel ready coz you probably never will. Just pick a day and do it, no matter how you feel.

You're not having a pity party, you're not weak and you're not useless. You're in an untenable situation!

I've told him he needs to step up and be a better role model and I get all the I will change don't want to lose you stuff but it doesnt.

If he changed, would you feel differently? If so don't tell him again, insist he changes or you'll be out that door and mean it. He doesn't think you mean it.

If it's over for you, however, you need to start planning your new life.

I think it would help you to turn the guilt around - the consequences for you are, crucially, your kids at not doing anything will be far worse in the long run.

I was brought up in an unhappy home and it was excruciating.

Find that anger OP, you can do this. You need to do this.

OP, he knows you can't deal with the crying which is why he does it. Hard to ignore but try and think of it as a tactic and it's unlikely to be genuine.

Hm, I'd assume it was genuine to be honest, as it is upsetting when someone effectively says you are so unpleasant they don't want to be with you. The truth hurts.

There are ways to say it differently, obviously - "We are not compatible" etc. - but people do want "reasons", even if they hurt, and will think some up in their head if you don't provide any. He knows he's not a great partner. Perhaps he thinks that's just how he is, so hearing about it won't help.

My ex dragged it out for ages, unable to be the bad guy who said he didn't want to be with me - while all the while treating me like crap - until it was me who said it was over, simply because I couldn't stand the torture any more. Now I'm more than OK with the fact that we are apart, but what I do hold against him is his inability to just make that decision, and the ten months I had to endure of him turning his back on me (while very obviously having an affair).

I think you have to get him out of the house and then tell him. If this was me, I would do it when the dc are at school or with a trusted friend. I wouldn't have his mum do the childcare while you tell him or have the kids be at her house when you drop him off - there is a lot of scope for that to go wrong. You want the dc to be as far away as possible because he has shown you that he will use and manipulate your children to get his own way. Telling them that mummy is making him leave and using them like a human shield is abusive. Your children deserve better and it has to be you who ensures they get better.

I don't doubt that he is ill, but he is also obsessive, manipulative and controlling and you have every right to get your family out from under this. You cannot help someone who will not help himself. Perhaps you leaving him needs to happen before he gets off his arse and does something to get better.

Just a bit of an update last night I saw mum mum and everything came spilling out.

I then went home and had the usual "what's wrong? Why aren't you happy?" Stuff again and I don't know what changed but I just blankly sat there and told him everything I've been feeling and that I've lost all respect for him and how he's a bad influence on the children with his awful diet and lack of self care. Also the fact he sits on the sofa all day and winds the kids up for no reason.

He just sat there in shock and has said he's going to go. Then said all the but I can change stuff but why would you give me a chance. Ect ect

Don't give him a chance-he's had loads and he won't change-he doesn't want to and currently thinks he doesn't need to either.

Gather your courage and see this through. Be a good role model to your DC-would you want your daughter stuck like this?

Sorry got cut off. So last night I slept on the sofa and this morning he has said he will prove to me things will be different and If I give him a month he will prove it. I'm not sure what to feel urgh why are things so complicated.

That's what I've been thinking I never want to have a conversation again about being with someone who doesn't wash or do anything and how he doesn't talk to the kids about anything. What the fuck happened to my life??

Good for you ! Just keep talking to your mum and don't put up with his bullshit anymore. He may well be depressed but you and the children can't help him. You need to look after the kids and he needs to sort himself out

Tell him to move out and then prove he can change. If you let him stay, you'll probably just get more of the same.

One month might be doable. Give him a month. No reminders, just say right, on this date we split unless you are practicing good hygiene, seeing a therapist, and being more supportive with the kids. That also gives you a lot of time to get ready to have him gone. There are always holiday clubs for the kids, but get all the finances etc ready for the very likely split.

Good for you. That's a huge!! step in the right direction and a massive fear you've faced. One day at a time...

Make a list of all the stuff that must happen and must not happen. This list is for you not for him.

Things like washing every day. Clean clothes. Go to the dentist. No more over eating. No picking fights with the children. You go out and he doesn't call. Housework.

You won't have to wait a week never mind a month for him to get three strikes.

When his big turnaround fails in a couple of days time you have to be ready.

I would have prepared a speech and sound bites for his mother and your children. Something about how he has become very unwell, as everyone can see, that you've tried to help but it has become clear that living with you makes him worse not better, he needs to live on his own for a few months to get himself sorted out. It would be incredibly cruel to let him stay. He's scared of having to tackle his demons and that is why he is crying and saying he can't live. We are not helping him by continuing to enable the self-harm. It is damaging the children and me, he has just proven that he can't stop properly while he lives here, so he has to go.

So far he's doing the usual over the top getting everything done and living on a lettuce leaf which never lasts. I've got a mental list and as you say 3 strikes he's out. He's had showers the last couple of days and I think what really hit home was when one of the children said "wow dad I've never seen you sitting up on the sofa before we have room to sit down" our sofa is a massive corner one and usually they all have to squash up with me or sit on the floor.

It's so sad as I no this won't last as he's already started asking so are you happy now? Will you stay with me forever ect ect

You need to make it clear that not only is it his personal hygiene but the neediness and being a crap father too.
Your posts are so sad but it does sound as though the scales are falling from your eyes.
Can you continue to sleep separately? I wouldn't want to share a bed with someone so unclean, have your date and use this 4 weeks to strengthen your resolve plus work out your exit plan.
It will be better for the kids even if there are tears in the short term and probably better for him too to split so do not feel guilt

That's what I'm starting to think too. Even now things a a bit half added like mowing the lawn but not putting anything away after. I feel partly responsible for letting it go on so long but maybe that's because I felt sorry for him. As for the crap dad thing i don't know if that will ever get better it's like he doesn't we them as people if that makes any sense. Right better get on with my work will catch up on here later.

So hes still acting like a child then, leaving his toys for you to put away when hes done.