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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He has ruined our perfect life....

155 replies

Alwaysconfusedmum · 03/06/2017 17:53

Yesterday I found out that my husband of 20 years had cheated on me while on a cruise holiday with his brother. We have been together since I was 18, have two children together 15 and 9. I am an independent, intelligent and attractive woman. I spend most of my non-working hours to household duties, cooking, cleaning, he helps with cleaning and grocery shopping. We live in the nicest house and go on holiday 3 times a year.....in short, we had everything!
I love him and trusted him to go on holidays with his brother, he returned around 2 weeks ago, since his return we had sex several times, he acted completely normal.
Yesterday I accidentally opened his FB that's where I saw this flirty msg popping in so I started talking to her as him...that's when I came to know they've kissed several times and slept once. She is in her mid-fifties and XXL in size. When confronted, he apologized but I went out of control screaming and slapping him and self-harming myself, I had a nervous breakdown. Unfortunately, our daughter witnessed it all and now know what her dad had done.
I want to kick him out of our house as the house is in my name but he is begging for a forgiveness when asked the reason he said it was a poor judgment .....My knees are shaking, I am not sure what I want but then when I look at my kids, they love their father and he loves them and he says he loves me too.......it feels he has slit my throat, the pain is unbearable, I haven't slept for more than 24 hours .....what should I do?

OP posts:
wotabastard · 03/06/2017 17:54

Destroy him.

mynotsoperfectlife · 03/06/2017 17:56

It much be very raw now so take some time to think. Xx

Trollspoopglitter · 03/06/2017 17:56

Nothing. Do nothing. You don't have to do anything. Hug your child. Allow yourself to grieve any way you need to in private. Give yourself time. You're in shock.

LiveLongAndProspero · 03/06/2017 17:57

I think you need professional help. That is not a normal reaction and you disturbed your daughter immensely by allowing her to see you act like that.

expatinscotland · 03/06/2017 17:58

I'd throw him out.

ShinyGirl · 03/06/2017 18:00

Who goes on a cruise with their brother?

I'd kick him out.

jacketej · 03/06/2017 18:03

Before you make any decisions I'd go see your GP re your MH. Self harming is not okay, and not eating for 24hours is not okay. Your child, whatever her age is, should not have witnessed that. It's your relationship and not an arena for your children to be brought in to.

How are you feeling now?
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/crht-crisis-teams/#.WTLrcIXTXYU

Is a good place to seek help and speak about how you are feeling, (self Harming).

You need some head space to think it all through.

Alwaysconfusedmum · 03/06/2017 18:04

I really don't understand his mentality, why would anyone risk his family for a fling, that too with a woman not even a bit attractive. He has stabbed in my heart....

OP posts:
EverythingEverywhere1234 · 03/06/2017 18:04

Before anything else, you need to look into getting professional help. While I understand that this must have truly broken your heart, your reaction was (in your own words) out of control and I think you will need ongoing support if that's how you respond to traumatising events.
Not only that, but your DD should be seeing a professional as well. Seeing what she has will have affected her terribly and she may well need support and help to understand and come to terms with her feelings.

Squ1ggle · 03/06/2017 18:04

Very sorry you're going through this, he's done a terrible thing and only you can decide whether you can (or want to) forgive him.
I have to ask though, why does the ow being xxl in size relevant?

Squ1ggle · 03/06/2017 18:04

*is

inlectorecumbit · 03/06/2017 18:05

Get rid pronto. Show your DD that you are a strong woman who will not be treated so appallingly by her supposed life partner. You will need to be her future role model now as your H's cheating has put paid to him being any role model at all.
He said poor judgement!!! Poor judgement to slip his cock into her and kiss her several times.
No l think entitlement is a better word-he thought you wouldn't find out. The fact that they have kept in contact suggests a repeat performance was on the cards.
Tell him to sling his hook.

pieceofpurplesky · 03/06/2017 18:05

Was he with his brother on the cruise or was it pre arranged with this woman?
You need time for you and dc. He needs to move out for now to give you space.
When you have processed a bit more you need to make that decision. There is no hurry. If he wants it to work he has to prove it to you. You also need to look deeper as things were (sorry to be harsh) clearly not perfect - I thought my life was and my exh did the same. Looking back I wanted it to be perfect and did everything so he had an easy life and had no stress. I have a similar breakdown - now I realise it was because I bottled it in and hid it from myself for a long time.
Good luck OP

iamavodkadrinker · 03/06/2017 18:06

Because XXL women cant possibly be attractive obviously Confused

NettJarrp · 03/06/2017 18:06

So it's not just a one-off? He's still conversing with her?

Kick him out.

Alwaysconfusedmum · 03/06/2017 18:06

No XXL is not relevant, it's his character!

OP posts:
riceuten · 03/06/2017 18:07

I would calmly ask him to leave.

And would then see how things played out thereafter. The fact he was in contact post the event means that, to me, this wasn't a one-off indiscretion, and given the opportunity, he'd do it again.

pieceofpurplesky · 03/06/2017 18:07

Also don't be obsessed with her. That she is older and xxl does not matter one bit. She could be beautiful and kind and not perfect ...

Waltermittythesequel · 03/06/2017 18:07

You need help. No matter the shock, self-harming is serious and you need help with it.

You also need to make sure your dd is ok.

The other woman's weight and appearance has nothing to do with this, don't focus on that.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 03/06/2017 18:07

Physical attractiveness means little to fuck all in situations such as these (her being xxl doesn't mean she's automatically unattractive either, although I can appreciate if you are surprised if it seems that wasn't his type). The issue doesn't lie with the OW or with you, it lies with the fuck knuckle who was incapable of keeping his dick in his pants. I am sorry 💐

sourgrapes28 · 03/06/2017 18:07

Poor judgement! What a load of shite, it wasn't a mistake or he would have told you. I'm truly sorry but he's only acting this way as he's been caught.

Get him to stay with family ( not his bloody brother obvs ) or friends and take a week to get your head together and figure out what your options are. Do you have some rl support?

iffikitty · 03/06/2017 18:08

Fuck sake, leave the OP alone. I'm XXL and I know what she means.

She's devastated.

inlectorecumbit · 03/06/2017 18:09

Are you sure this is the first time he has cheated. If he has been on holiday with his DB before he has had plenty of opportunity...

Sorry l don't mean to kick you when your down but the fact he acted all normal with not a shred of guilt makes me suspicious of previous cheating

expatinscotland · 03/06/2017 18:09

'Who goes on a cruise with their brother?'

I'd happily go with my sister. We love cruising.

DJBaggySmalls · 03/06/2017 18:09

Of course its a fucking normal reaction to have your life completely destroyed.

Alwaysconfusedmum, take some time out. Decide what you want to do from here Flowers

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